New Years Rant

Alright so the last time did anything with this site was over the summer, when I was bored to death. Needless to say, I'm still bored, which is why I'm even writing in the first place. But at least I've got some observations, funny stories, and some new material to share this time!

I spent New Years Eve in Montreal, which was fun. I was up there with a few of my friends, doing a lot of drinking, a lot of walking, a lot of freezing my ass off...you know, the popular stuff to do in Montreal during the winter. And so the plan for New Years Eve was to go to the best club in Montreal and meet some Canadian girls, which I've heard from many people are incredibly forward and HOT! So I'm like "Alright, in another country, looking for some action, got a good shot here, let's go." Now, the plan would have worked, except for one tiny problem...the streets were covered with American tourists everywhere, and I do mean everywhere. Look to the left, fucking tourist, look to the right, fucking tourist, look in the mirror, son of a bitch another tourist. Now, there's a reason I'm angry here, I'm not just going off on a rant because there were tourists everywhere. No, there's a better reason than that. As we all know, girls travel in packs when they go out, and as I've learned through experience, there's always one girl in the group who has the following goal: to ruin everyone else's time. Stay with me here on this one, I know I'm right. There's always the ugly member of the group, the member who only got in there because her mom made playdates with all the other damn kids when they were little. So in retrospect, I was fucked from the start. This ugly member of the group, whose official title is the "We gotta go" girl...she has a rule when she hangs out, and that rule is "we came together, we leave together." That means when they go to a club, they're only allowed to dance and talk to one another, no outsiders, because that would upset Ogre because no one wants to talk to her. Well, knowing that now, you can imagine how well I did at the club that night. Go to one girl, do a little dancing, and as quick as a gust of wind she's snatched back into the group, that's dancing among themselves with the "We gotta go girl" in the middle, pretending to have a fun time when you know they're all thinking the same thing: "why the hell did she have to come along?" This my friends is the ultimate cockblock. Thanks again "We gotta go" girl, you ruined any potential with the various girls I danced with, fuck you!

I was thinking something else over, and I've devised my own "How to make you a better person" guide. In this guide, I would advise standard Joe's like...well people named Joe I guess but it would inform them on how to be better that what they are, cause afterall, I have the know how to make people better seeing how I'm fucking college student that got cockblocked by something named Ogre. Anyways, let me share some of my advice here with you now.

#1 - Train to be a pop star. If Hillary Duff and Paris Hilton can do it, so can your dumb ass. I'll give you a prime example of why you should give up everything in your life and pursue this goal: Clay Aiken. If that geek can get girls to scream at his very presence and you can't, than life is telling you something. It's just shame though that he prefers dick.

#2 - Be Ryan Seacrest...Because if that tool can get his own show for being unfunny and bleeching his damn teeth every 5 minutes, than your lazy ass can do the same. Or be the other tool Carson Daly and eat a pile of Doritos and wear clothes from Express for men, and you'll be ready for success. Oh yeah, and listen to pop music non stop because that'll be the new purpose to your life, knowing what some slutty 15 year old likes...you tool.

#3 - Watch Queer Eye For The Straight Guy and take careful notes on everything they say. If it doesn't get you more attention with the ladies, at least you'll get some dude in the village to notice your ass, and I mean that literally.

#4 - Work for FHM, Maxim, Blender, or Stuff magazine because you too can be unfunny and still have a job interviewing hot women...who all somehow hail from fucking Cananda, I had a shot!

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