Bitchin like a woman

HOLY SHIT IT’S ANOTHER RANT! And this one, people, is in the same week as the last one! That’s never been fucking done before, so brace yourself, cause hopefully you’ll get at least one good laugh out of this one.

American Idol Losers airs this Monday, and guess who makes an appearance? That’s right, your favorite, and my favorite, little Asian dude, William Hung! Now if you did not see this guy perform on the auditions, than you missed out, cause this was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. He sang Ricky Martin’s “She Bangs” in front of Simon “I’m an asshole” Cowell, Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul. Needless to say, he didn’t fair well, but he faired well enough to get celebrity status to the point where he’s performing at college volleyball games and on national television, he gets millions of websites dedicated to him, he had a petition with a trillion signatures to bring him back on to American Idol to compete, and lastly, he was offered a fucking multi-million dollar contract for a record deal! What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck!!!!! This guy sucks and we love him! WHY WHY WHY! And here’s the thing that I honestly find the most funny about this entire situation, William Hung is more popular for singing “She Bangs” now, than Ricky Martin was when he sang “She Bangs” when it first came out, think about that one! Hey Ricky, someone sings “She Bangs” better than you do, and is getting more attention for it, you think maybe you wanna stop releasing shitty songs and allowing other less talented people to make a bigger impact with it than you do? Just a thought ,chica.

Here’s something I’ve been meaning to say but keep forgetting. Who watches the Road Rules and Real World on MTV? All of you? Fantastic. Now how many of you watch the Road Rules-Real World Challenge? All of you? Hey, fuck you all. Do you realize what you’re doing? You’re employing these nobodies for the rest of their lives! The minute someone makes it onto the damn show, they’re set for life, because they know no matter what, even if their life is a complete mess and they fucked up royally, they can always gets another paycheck appearing on some MTV special regarding the Real World, or the Road Rules, or both combined when they air some ridiculous reunion or competition. THESE ASSHOLES DON”T HAVE TO WORK ANYMORE, didn’t anybody think about this? EVER? Motherfucker, if life goes down the drain for me, I’m finding a way to get on that show because that way, I don’t have to lift a finger. All I have to do is guarantee I start a fight with someone, or develop a drinking problem on the show, which might be there before the show, and allow them to tape it.

And by the way, if you really consider any of the former Real World or Road Rules casts celebrities and genuinely care what the fuck they’re doing nowadays, kill yourself, because you’re already corrupted and are no longer a vital use to this society. Stupid!

So I’ve been developing my own comedy act, don’t worry, the material I have on this site isn’t incorporated at all, in fact, the person I appear to be while writing this is somewhat different from the type of person I’d appear if I were doing standup. So rest assure, I won’t attempt to be a second coming of Lewis Black, because we all know I couldn’t do what he does. But yeah, I’m writing my own material, hopefully it’s good and the goal now is to one day, make an appearance at Caroline’s or some other big city comedy club.

Now someone indulge me for a second, I thought the whole Paris Hilton sex tape thing was settled, as in they made a settlement and the tape was handed back to the Hilton family before it could be released, thus making this a dead issue. But what’s this? The tape is out again? Oh no! Paris Hilton fucking, oh no, because we haven’t seen enough to get a hard on in the first place right? I say cut a deal with Paris Hilton, and give her some of the royalties from the sales of the tape. It’s coming out one way or another, might as well add to your immense fortune, right bitch? Here’s what I don’t get, the tape being released would embarrass Paris Hilton, absolutely humiliate her, or as they say right? I thought the Simple Life already did that, am I wrong? Honestly, she’s just another piece of ass to look at, why not use that to her advantage? We know she’s not smart, but we all learned through a 2 minute, night vision filmed sample that she sure can ride a horse, ain’t that right sweety?

There’s a lot of shit going on lately about President Bush not fulfilling his coast guard duties during the Vietnam War. Apparently this is a big issue and part of the mudslinging campaign the democrats have started en route to the Presidential election this November (everyone be sure to vote). OK, I’m a democrat, but even I say the same damn thing: Who the fuck cares? I don’t give a shit if Bush fulfilled his requirements or not, I want to know why he lied and why he put the US further in debt? That’s my fucking question, not why he only showed up for his coast guard physicals. Let’s start getting down to the real issues here, not the ones that are going to waste my time. If I really cared about Bush skipping out on his duties, than I’d have to criticize my boy Bill Clinton for going to Canada during the draft.

On a more serious note, I want to make a comment regarding Bush’s proposal for an amendment banning gay marriages: Shame on you George, shame on you. How dare you deny another human being their natural right of a recognized marriage? Not only are you morally wrong, but economically as well because you know how much of a difference being married is to someone’s taxes and benefits, and that’s total bullshit you’d deny these people even that. I don’t know how the rest of you people are responding to this proposed amendment, but I hope that everyone recognizes the legitimate claim homosexuals have to the right of marriage, and by denying them, you’re denying the spirit of a country that was founded on freedom, equality, and most of all, the pursuit of happiness (it was actually life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, but you get my point).

John Kerry is still the front runner, and he further proved that by winning 3 more states this week. On a side note, Dennis Kucinich came in second in Hawaii…why? Hawaii, if you’re going to be more of a state and not so much a tourist attraction (though that appears to be your main source of income I think) than you better stop fucking around. Kucinich got second place? It doesn’t even make sense! Do you know what you just did Hawaii? You just inflated his fucking ego! Prior to this he already thought he had a fair shot, now I bet you he thinks he’s closing in! That means he’s not gonna drop out like he should have several months ago. Now your allowing this man to waste more of my time. The only, ONLY, good that can come of this is that Kucinich will become a pop star in Hawaii and host his own one man show around the chain of islands in what will be titled “The Little Kahuna That Could”. I’d watch that.

Lastly, the movie “Passion of Christ” came out Wednesday, much to the chagrin of people around the country, as well as the world. According to biblical scholars, as well as the Pope, this account is rather accurate to what the last 12 hours of Christ’s life really was like. I personally view this as educational, and interesting, but the big criticism is that it’s anti-Semitic….OK, if any of you think that Jewish people today are the same Jewish people of 33AD, you need to be kicked in the balls. It was a much different time, I think the Jews have changed their ways, I think I can assure you that. Honestly, I think you’re allowed to have some beef with the Jews back in 33AD, but not the Jews of today, because they weren’t even fucking alive in 33 AD! If anything, this movie, as Mel Gibson said, is supposed to inspire tolerance, and perhaps love for your fellow man. How about we stop finding reasons to hate and discriminate each other and just find time to share a bowl of popcorn.

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