| Worst Dates |
| So, You think you've had some horrible dates? They didn't open the door for you? Made you pay the bill? Well I think mine have been far worse than that! Here are some stories of the worst dates, or times I've been in. |
| Jose, The Attack of The Five Fingers! |
| Well I met this guy through a friend, and from what I understood is that he was supposed to be really built, but it just turned out to be shaped fat. He seemed very nice on the phone, little did i know how horrible he would be in person. When he first walked up to my house, he only got worse as he got closer. He looked like he was high and retarted, but that's how he always looks. He had the BIGGEST ego, he thought so highly of himself. He shouln't have . He used to take laxatives to help him lose weight, and he had the nerve to call himself healthy. One time , he was talking to me on the phone, when all of a sudden, "OH MY GOD!!!" He Zoooomed to the restroom, I smelled the shit all the way through the phone. Later that night he told me he had to stick toilet paper up his ass to stop it from coming out. A big turn on to SOME people, but not me. When I first met him, he had this stinch to him, he smelled like Frito's, it was his under-arms. Then he thought he would mention that he could stick five fingers up his ass, Well sarcastically I told him, " You have something to be proud of, I'm sure it will come in handy some day. " And that was the horrible attack of the five fingers! |
| Charlie, "The Lost Eye" |
| Well this one is just as bad, only without the smells. This guy was nice on the phone, just like Jose. He was sweet and stupid. He told me he loved me the second day we talked on the phone. Well, maybe he's really intouch with his feelings or he's just crazy. Personally, I think he's crazy, but you draw your own conclusion. Well I met him and I found out I could never get him to look at me directly. Well he had a lazy eye, no problem, I'm not cruel. Even though I didn't let that get in the way, the rest of Charlie did. He was just not my type at all, and I let him know. Later I found out he cried all the way home. |
| Pedro, The Story of Meryll Streep and her mummble mummble mummble...... |
| Jack, Crem A la.... ASS???? |
| Well I had met Pedro at the Gay and Lesbian Center of the Inland Empire, and for some reason I actually thought he was really cute at the time. Thankfully my thoughts have now changed and I've come to realize that I fucked Meryll Streep, a MEXICAN Meryll Streep. Well that is exactly what this guy looks like in case you want to know. Well this guy was not really known for being so innocent. He had been around , and I would later find out that he was only looking for money. Well I knew he had been so slutty in his past, but I was hoping he would somehow change. Well we were talking on the phone which was a challenge in itself. He had a mumbling problem. It took 3 sentences to make out one of his. For example, I would ask, "what are you doing?" He would respond," OH I'm just here.. mumble. mumble.... " And I would ask.. "just here WHAT?" And he would respond, "Here watching tv on channel Mumble... mumble.. mumble... WEll you get the picture, anyway we started discussing where we should have our first date, and he excitedly screamed, "How about at my house?!". Knowing what I was going for, I said "OK", Well I went to his house, which, by the way, was in Muscoy. If you don't know what that is, just imagine Tijuana with a pinch of San Bernardino and blacks. It was in the dead of summer and they had no air condition. It makes me wonder if I really lost all my weight over ther e.While things were getting even more heated up he decided to tell me about his trouble with his jaw. It was nice of him to tell me while giving me head that his jaw could shut tight at any moment. Well anyway, We were in the heat of passion in the middle of the day when I decided to stop. I feared that it was so hot we would die of dehydration and his family would find two dead corpse' humped over the other. I can imagine , the news, "MERYLL STREEP RAPED AND MURDERED!". Well, we watched tv. He watched the clock anxiously until the sun went down just so we can heat things back up again. Well when things got all.. sexual again. I was trying to get in when He screamed, "OW, What,,, Do you think I'm a slut or something?" Right then I put on the biggest smile ever, It's all I could do to keep me from responding "YES" or even bust out laughing histarically. He was terrible, He ended up going out with some 20 year old guy who looks like an ape, and dresses in drag on occasion. And I was left with Scratches from the mumbling Meryll Streep. |
| Have you seen someone really desperate? I have, and it's not a pretty site. Well once again this one came into my life by the gay and lesbian center. When I saw this guy, I admit he was "OK" looking, but he was fun to talk to . He was black, and I'm not attracted to black guys, Not that I'm racist, Go look at my friends page and you'll see. Well anyway he asked me if I wanted to go to the mall with him. So I did. He told me he would be happy to give me a ride home. So I went with his mom and him to where I thought would be "home". Well they ended up taking me to Hollywood Video. Well I was wondering what the fuck I was doing there. When I asked him, he said, "OH we're just going to go to my house and watch movies first, THEN We'll take you home." So, thinking nothing of it, I went. We got to his house and after watching the most boring movie ever , on the smallest T.V EVER!, he told me that they couldn't take me home that night. I would have to stay the night. So I was kind of dissapointed, but I went along with it. While TRYING to lay sexy on his bed, he confessed that he liked me and wanted me to be with him. Well , I kindly declined this... Pleasant offer, and acted as if it never happened. Well it was also in the middle of summer, and he decided to sneak out and turn on his heater, just to try to make me take off my clothes. Well I found out when I went to go to the restroom and realized it was hotter than the temperature between Anna Nicole's fat ass thighs after running a mile marathon. So I looked at the thermostat and saw the heater was on. Doing anything for relief, I exhaled and exhaled hot breath on it till it turned off, for the time being. When I went back into the room Jack was lying on the bed and said, "Let's go to sleep". It was like the call of death, but I thought, "hey, I dont have to do SHIT". So I layed down. He asked me and begged me to sleep with him, and after trying and trying he said, "OK, well just sleep in your boxers and hold me?", I kindly rejected the offers by stating, "FUCK NO!". So I patiently waited till he fell asleep and I reluctantly took off my pants and rolled myself up in one of the blankets making sure AIR couldn't even get through there. Well In the middle of the night, I woke up to someone trying to take off my blanket and rubbing on my leg. Well I had enough. So I said, "You want this Jack?", he replied excitedly, "YES!" so I turned him over and took off his pants. Yes, I had to see his ass, but that's the only way I would be able to teach him any lesson. So I put the whole bottle of Suave Lotion between his cheeks and said, "NAW, I DONT WANT TO!" and rolled over and fell asleep. He embarrassely screamed, "Oh shit' .. and ran to the restroom to try to wash it off, and that was the only 10 minutes of sleep I got all night. |
| HehehehehHEY BART!!!!!! |
| I don't even know where to start with this one. He currently is going out with the five finger story, and well as far as I'm concerned, they deserve each other. I met this guy while on a date with this other guy named Raul. A little on Raul, He looked like a 10 year old who got in a crayola box of markers and wrote all over his face. Now back to George, At first I thought he was kind of cute, but after a while, I realized that he was trash. He looked like Milhouse from "The Simpsons", and he really didn't know how to throw pick up lines. When we went on a date, he asked, with a gaze in his eye, "CAN I KISS YOU?", What the fuck kind of shit is that? Well it was like our 2nd date, and if somebody asks me like that , I will say No. Everytime I think of Milhouse (George) I hear him say, HeheheheHEY Mike,, uhhhhh... cacacaCAN I KISS YOU?" |
| A tongue, A sandpaper,..... A Sandpaper-tongue? |
| This guy made himself out to be the cutest guy ever. Well that was on the phone. As soon as I met him, I knew there was no connection. Well we walked down to the movies and watched "Scary Movie 2". It was terrible. He kept grabbing my leg through the whole movie. After the movie, we went to the back of the movie theater building to "wait for his dad". Well he just jumped on me there and started kissing me. I went along with it, WHY? I don't know. He had the Worst tongue EVER! It felt all rough. It felt as though I was kissing a tongue rapped in sandpaper. That was the worst kiss i've ever had. |
| "More Colorful Than A Mexican Drag Queen....." |
| So I go meet this guy, his name is Raul. It was at the same time I met George (Milhouse). (SEE ABOVE). Well Raul was a total joke. He was ugly and full of paint. It looked as though he was a 2 year old who got into a box of Crayola washable markers. He had all this paint drawn on his face, little figurines, and little symbols. It was very disturbing. I thought he only did that to himself to meet me, I was wrong. No wonder I thought that Milhouse was better than this thing, boy was I wrong about both of them. |