Try masterbating with
the heel of a stilletto shoe,
it's much more polite
and it's free

Small tea stains may be
removed from pristine white carpets
by rubbing in a mixture of
rust, tar, soot, mud, horse piss
and a drop of vinegar, leave it to
dry overnight and tomorrow you won't
believe your eyes, degenerate inbred

Try to disguise your cockney accent
by not saying 'Nah wotta meeen'
after every bloody sentence

Don't be nasty to fat people
it hurts more than you know
 and anyway, it's a disease

If you run out of Spam, try filling
your sandwiches with a compote
of boiled ants, they taste just as
good and won't rot your brain like
the television does