Xmas Quiz

...and all over the house not a creature was stirring not even a mouse, and then the iron started making nasty crackling noises because Mrs Malaprop had left it on while she went down to The Merry Boatman to get completely slaughtered on scrumpy in honour of the little baby christ Jesus the lord son of God amen.

Welcome to the festive bit of the sanitorium. I'm a big fan of christmas because I reckon it does things to people and they all become just a little bit nicer for a month or so. And you say good morning to that sick looking blackman who's always cleaning his pathway, and he says good morning back and smiles rather than throwing apples at you and screaming about whores and tax men and stuff like you always imagined might happen.

Please do take time to think about the fat drunk beggars on the street, because it's everso cold, and while all us are lying in bed saying 'five minutes more' to our wives every morning, they are jumping out of bed going 'Oh, up and at 'em, early start' etc etc because it's so bloody cold in their beds, also cardboard is all scratchy when you've got chill blains. So put a penny in the old mans hat or buy a copy of the big issue. Be careful of that skinny beggar bloke though, he's scary. He says...

Scary beggar: Excuse me son could you spare some coppers for a cuppatea,
Me: Here you are sir, take care (I gave him a pound he could get pure assam with that)
Scary beggar: You wouldn't have a smoke there wudya?
Me: (Hmm I just give you a quid which I can't afford) Yeah here ya go
Scary beggar: Is it alreet ifa take two?
Me: Yeah go on. (am I being took for a ride)
Scary beggar: Have you got a light?
Me: Uhuh.
Scary beggar: God bless you, you're a good sort, now I tell you what, I came here.....
(Beggar now goes into this long story which you can only pick out the occassional word, you smile and nod but are starting to wish you kicked him and ran away like all the other people do, and after a while come the strange questioning. You can't tell what he's saying but he keeps giving these sort of 'Huh?' grunts and looking at you like he wan'ts an answer)
Scary beggar: Guess a wet a manaya simorno . . . hah?
Me: Hiume. (I try an unintelligable mix of yes, no and indifferent . . . it doesn't work)
Scary beggar: takgeru mory do morno . . . huh?
Me: Yeah-still, there you go. (you plumb for yes, but just in case try and drown it by quickly saying one of those 'please may we end our conversations' type phrase)
Scary : Yeah ya fukenidjabiscitoriundaboo inde morna befora toppa!
(Wrong answer, he suddenly seems quite offended and starts this brewing muttering which you are sure is laced with swear words, you make off quick and hope he doesn't chase you down the street.

Variety shows seem to have disappeared a bit recently but you can bet your sweet behind they'll be back for christmas. The queen will be near comatose, sat in the box watching that stupid Gary watsisname patronise the life out of us all. While people you used to like come on and sing famous show tunes like 'Consider yourself my mate etc etc', and the big thing of the minute (eg spice girls) will come and do a shifty medly of xmas songs including aggaddoo somewhere in there. Oh good god I feel sick already.
But forget the woes, It's xmas and everyone loves it, even Jehovas Witnesses who don't get any presents. Now everyone sit around a pray that it'll snow a blizzard like you've never seen on christmas eve, enjoy your pudding and if you eat meat, enjoy your turkey too, be sweet.

Here is a nasty quiz for you to lark around with during your office party, and if you are married a word of warning - that girl in the red blouse and the little black skirt does look as hot as an exploding banger and yes she probably does go like a steam hammer and yes you'd probably have a whale of a time but when you get home you'd be left with a feeling of regret and disgust and that's no way to be at christmas, if you really can't help yourself, drink until you pass out and be adamant that nothing happened. Merry Xmas.

Question 1 : Chrismassy
What christmas fare is illegal in good ol' England?
Tell me the answer guv

Question 2 : Real characters
Father Christmas, alias Santa Claus, alias Jack Nickleson etcetera, uses the humourous catch phrase 'Ho Ho Ho'. Which duff comedian copies this for his own uncharitable acts?
Tell me the answer guv

Question 3 : Spooky stuff
We all know Arthur C. Clarke for his Mysterious World, Mysterious Universe, and World of strange powers. But what fictional story did he write, what did he invent, where does he live and what does he ponder?
Tell me the answer guv

Question 4 : History
Who, or more importantly, who was the eleventh president of the United States of America, I'll give you a clue, it was 1844?
Tell me the answer guv

Question 5 : Fish and films
What fish does John Squire of Stone Roses fame bet he'll meet and what will it do with him?
Tell me the answer guv

Question 6 : Chrismassy
What time do good little boys and girls get their presents on christmas day and what do they dd next?
Tell me the answer guv

Question 7 : Real characters
If you like liver and bacon you might enjoy it as a little something on christmas eve while you're watching 'The old man and the sea'. Who is it that likes a bit of liver and reckons that the jewes are the men that will not be blamed for nothing?
Tell me the answer guv

Question 8 : Spooky stuff
Where was the first(?) recovered alien craft and being found and what do we do to it?
 Tell me the answer guv

Question 9 : History
Decimalisation was the governments way of reminding us that we are just the little people and we do as we're told or we'll start turning up dead, but what year did they force this upon us?
Tell me the answer guv

Question 10 : Fish and films
What is the film where Gary Oldman plays a psycho smack head bad guy, Christian Slater plays a cool kid who can't seem to integrate, and Dennis Hopper plays his usual character?
Tell me the answer guv

I am de-scrouged take me to my stockings