Once upon a time I decided I'd try to explain my ideas about insanity, both generally, and as pertained to myself. That didn't work out as well as I'd hoped, and in any event, I would have had to change it eventually anyway, as some of my ideas have changed just a tad, particularly pertaining to myself.

I shall now attempt anew to write something up that might be slightly clear and come close to capturing my true feelings.

Insanity as it Pertains to Me

Now, as you may have read, insanity can be a good thing, and it can be a bad thing. I think I always had a shiny, happy kind of insanity. The kind where you can just be extraordinarily silly. The kind one of my many personalities, toastboy represents. A nice, clean, friendly sort of chaos. But then, I had the darker sorts, too. The kind where you can be somewhat destructive of self and... not self. And I allowed this side to grow for too long. I said I kept it in check- and so I did. If any tiny fraction of what I sometimes wanted to do would have actually been done... {shudder}... it doesn't bear thinking about. And it always amazed me I was able to keep such intense desires under control.

However. I also thought it was good to have dark insanity. Somehow I could never channel it into my writing, as I imagine I would have liked to do.... My writing has always been perhaps too much of the shiny, happy variety, without conflict, without real problems (in direct contrast to real life).... Anyway, I wanted to be insane. And so I would tell myself I believed things that deep down I knew I didn't believe. And yet on some levels, I managed to convince myself I did believe. And that helped the dark insanity to grow, without my even seeing it. I've done a few relatively minorly destructive things, most of which probably nobody knows about. But one thing I did was January 31, 1997, I pushed a computer monitor onto the floor at school (the University of Maine at Presque Isle). It broke. That was a Friday (went to see Star Wars: Special Edition that night). Monday, I found myself banned from computer labs. That week I hung about not doing anything, and dropped out of school.

And so I spent a computer generation (as I like to call it; 18 months, in case you didn't know- Moore's Law) away from the Internet. Yeah, that was the biggest thing. Never had a computer at home. Finally got one in August of 1998, and the same week got the Internet. But that all is getting ahead of things.

I have always had some degree of depression, probably more than is normal. I remember when I was quite young, I used to like to just cry sometimes, for no reason at all. I'm pretty sure I wasn't even depressed or sad about anything. I just wanted to cry. Looking back, I wonder if that was some foreshadowing of future depression, or if it's just part of me being different. Any rate, I've sometimes been depressed (clinically, I suppose you'd call it), though I don't know if a doctor would think so. And in '97, I started gettind depressed more often and more intensely. And I started to worry about it. Finally, I don't remember when exactly, I started seeing a shrink named Wyckoff. (Follow that link for info on that; seriously, read the first entry there before continuing here. Come back when you're so instructed. Please & thank you.)

Anyway, as for this Asperger's, I'm sure my case is milder than many, but it's prob'ly there to some degree. Um, that's all I can think to say for now, so you might as well continue with the old stuff (albeit, some of it may be edited from time to time, somewhat....)

Any yet, the shiny, happy insanity remains! Isn't that remarkable? Well, but life still troubles me. I think that in life people can be fundamentally happy, fundamentally depressed, or fundamentally in between/neutral/bored/indifferent/whatever. And each person has their own specific set of things they need to be fundamentally happy in life. I need my girlfriend (Update, Dec. 22, 1999: she hasn't been my girlfriend for months, and I suppose never will be again. I'll always love her as a friend, and always be in love with her. I'll always regret more than anything that our relationship hasn't worked out. I can't blame anyone for that, not her and not myself. I still say we're meant to be together, but we're not together, and that's that. This will cause me a great deal of pain and depression, but I'll live. I just don't know how fundamental my happiness will be. I will, however, have some happiness.) I need a writing career, my own home, and the Internet; those being the top four. I need also to be able to read, to watch TV, to go to the movies once in a while, to listen to music, and obviously to have friends both in real life and online. There isn't much more than that. At the moment I don't have all of those, but I believe I will have them all, know I will have some, do have some already. So I'm generally fairly happy.

Allow me to start with what I call "Willy Lomania." Have you ever seen Death of a Salesman? There is a character, the protagonist, Willy Loman. In the movie, they sometimes toss about the phrase "...liked, but not well-liked." They don't say this about Willy, but while I'm empathizing with him, I feel like that is how he's seen. And it is certainly how I tend to see myself. Liked, but not well-liked. I have (perhaps always) thought that I am tolerated by groups I'm in. I can call people friends, and they can call me a friend. And we are. But I often have a hard time believing anyone really likes me, really wants me around. I think I don't fit in, even sometimes with people who are much like me, in some ways. I think I'm always outside the loop, that I'm just someone who's there and no one cares enough to tell me to go away. And perhaps sometimes I amuse people, a bit. I like to play the fool. I especially did this in high school. Not a class clown, but a fool, you understand. And I do love attention. It can be hard for me to go a little while without it.

Anyway, I have always been in some groups, and people seem to accept me, like me, whatever. But I never really feel I'm as important as other members of the group. It's an inferiority complex, or somesuch. I may know, in my mind, that others don't feel this way about me, but the heart has other ideas. And yet...

...I also have sometimes felt something of a superiority complex. Let me tell you, having both at the same time creates something very hard to describe, though I like to sometimes call it a "maelstrom of the soul (and/or of the psyche)." *sigh* But, not so much anymore, and I don't feel like going into it. It's not important. And reading what I did say here before about it, it didn't seem... accurate much... didn't at the time I wrote it, but i felt I needed to say something. Now not so much, I guess. Moving on...

Decision-making. Oh, I cannot begin to tell you how bad I can oft times be at having to make decisions about such simple things. I don't know why, exactly. Sometimes it's like, I just don't care one way or another. What do I want to eat? Pretty much any of my options are equally appealing. Where to eat? Anyplace is fine. Do I want to see a movie? Which one? ...And so forth. I suppose the problem is that I'm not hard to please. I like so many things. I'm not generally in the mood for one thing specifically, more than anything else. So there'll be all these options, whatever it is I'm choosing, and there's literally nothing to grasp onto, to attach to any of my choices... They are all equal, no distinctions whatever... All I could possibly do is pick one at random, for absolutely no reason.

Another thing is, I care what other people want, who will be affected by my decision. If two or three or however many people are going to go eat together, or go to a movie, or whatever, I must be sure that what I choose is something they'll enjoy. But often they'll say they don't care, either- anymore than I do, that is. What I don't understand is why I should have to choose for the group. I'd really prefer the group make a decision, or someone in it besides me, anyway. Of course there's always the possibility I wouldn't like the choice, and if so, I'd say so. *shrug* I dunno. *sigh* It really is difficult to explain my psychological problems when I'm not actually experiencing them. My memory is so bad.

Um... But really, I should just tell myself that in an infinite number of universes, alternate versions of me will make every possible choice, so it really doesn't matter so much which one I-me choose. Anyway, it's not like it's going to be the wrong choice, if any of them are right. And even if it did turn out to be the wrong choice, most decisions are such trivial ones. How many meals am I going to eat? I'll eat something else another time. Life is short, but not so short I can't try a great many things in the course of it.

Depression. Oh, I've mentioned this. Well, if I've said I get this less often and less intensely- that's probably still true. But perhaps to a lesser degree. I'm not sure what to say. Sometimes I can go a good while getting fairly depressed fairly often, though not nearly as intensely as when seeing Wyckoff (let us call this FDP, or Frequent Depression Phase). Sometimes I can go a fair stretch without getting depressed (GHP, General Happiness Phase). Depending on which state I'm in the middle of at any given time, that's more or less what I'll believe in. If I'm in the GHP, I'll take a look at my life and think that, by and large, it's good. Nothing too major to be unhappy about, and much to be very happy about. I'll remember that not that long ago I was in the FDP, and Mind was telling me things I don't really believe, but it still hurts to even think of them. And others, particularly my luv, might tell me that as well, or might at least have commented upon it during the last FDP. And I should be taking something, like St. John's Wort or Scullcap or something. And I might just think so too, during the FDP. But during the GHP, it just seems like a waste. I'll believe that I've got depression mostly under control, and the FDP won't come back, really. So why waste the money? And you know what- any one of these times, it just might be true. It might be right now, for all I know. Not to say I'll ever reach a point where I'll never be depressed again, or anything. That's just ridiculous. But it could be that I reach a point where the GHP is essentially continuous, with minor bouts of depression- not an extended phase of multiple, frequent bouts; but individual bouts- few and far between, and of such limited intensity, easily managable.

What can depress me? So many little things. For example, I'm different, as I've said. There's so much I don't know or don't truly understand, simple things that everybody understands from fairly early on. Some ways I like to be different, and some things I think people are just wrong about. But sometimes I rather want to be normal, in some ways. Sometimes I can feel inferior (again, I think I've said this) in so many ways. And sometimes I learn that I was wrong about something I thought I knew or understood. It can take me a while to really accept that, believe it. And it hurts, because if there were already so few things I understand, now there's one less.

And, there are things I don't like about myself, things I can't help, things that are just... how I am... and they annoy me. And they annoy my luv, sometimes, too. And the last thing in the world I ever want to do is to annoy her, upset her, hurt her... And I can start to feel like she really doesn't love me, even if she thinks she does. That's the sort of thing Mind tries to tell me, these days. And I don't know what I'd do without her. I love her so much, you know... Without her, if I didn't kill myself, I think at least I'd abandon my grip on sanity, go out and have whatever fun I could make until I was killed or committed. I don't want this. And I know if she left me, she'd feel so terrible anyway, and I don't want that. ...I think so many things, like I'm just not worthy, and I hate myself so much... So many things can make me hate myself, and get depressed... My indecision certainly can when it's really bad...

Mindset. Have i mentioned, I am a natural optimist. Well, an idealist, anyway, with a touch of realism thrown in. But life often seems in many ways to have beaten me into a pessimist. Maybe not quite as bad as my father, but pretty bad sometimes. I will get an idea fixed in my head of how something is, and refuse to believe otherwise. I can be so damned obstinate, arguing with people, even my luv- and I'll hate myself for feeling as I do, for being so inflexible and pessimistic and all. And... well, I don't know what all to say, but sometimes I just feel like a dog who's been kicked a great deal in life... I cannot tell you how much I hate being other than I am, naturally and at my innermost heart. Still, sometimes I'm not like that, sometimes I'm more myself, and there is hope I think for the future.

Update Nov. 2, 1999: More about mindset, I think... about my getting depressed or annoyed or angry or confused or any of these sorts of negative emotions and all... Well, it's just not so much natural for me. Many people, it seems (and to a great degree this is true of the girl I believe and very much hope i will forever love, as a friend and more [whatever she may feel for me at any given time]), get annoyed or what have you fairly often, at all sorts of little, common things which generally fail to affect me much if at all, things I may even take no notice of. Some things will upset me that upset others, and then sometimes to the same, or less, or greater degree than most others. Some things that upset others, as I say, I fail to notice or be affected by. Some things upset me that don't seem to upset others, or upset them to a lesser degree, much. Some things maybe once didn't or wouldn't have affected me so much as they now do, perhaps because of years of accumulated effect from said problems and other things in life generally. Perhaps because of new circumstances in life. Perhaps because of new perspectives and mindsets and intentions and hopes and all. Anyway, so many factors. Well, but I still maintain that my moods come less often and often less intensely than others'. And their frequencies and intensities vary from time to time, patch to patch in my life, but right now I think I'm in another upswing, hopefully and as I can believe possibly permanently, though of course quite possibly not (GHP, yes?). I'm better off than a month ago or more. Basically happy, calm, cool, albeit with a few problems I shan't go into just now. Problems aside from which I don't find myself getting depressed. I must say though, it's annoying when someone employs something of a double standard: it's somehow okay for others to be annoyed or depressed by things that don't affect me, while not okay for me to be so affected by things that don't affect others so much. Of course, I digress. What was I saying before? So much writing for what I was meaning to say, whatever it was! ...Um. The general point, I think, was that inherently and fundamentally, I'm an easy-going, mellow, too-low blood-pressure, type-B kinda human being. Things just don't tend naturally to affect me so much, except the rare major subject in my mind and heart, like money, say. And then, I like to say I'm annoyed or depressed by annoying or depressing things. But anyway, little things or big things can come up that affect my mood, arguments, disagreements or whatever. Things that might put a normal, frequently passingly annoyed person into a passingly annoyed mood. But as I'm normally not so easily upset, it's rather a bigger deal for me, and to get into such a mood takes some doing, emotionally and biologically. Chemicals and all start swishing around in my brain and my heart, and the mood is affected in me physically, so that it can take me longer to get over whatever little thing caused it. A mood stays for a while in me, and cannot, because of my nature, evaporate quickly. Intellectually I can understand it being otherwise for other people, and especially as I have I believe ascertained and here described the reason for the difference in recovery times between myself and others. However, in practice, I don't truly understand it, as one who is blind from birth cannot truly understand what it is to see, and one who has always seen cannot truly understand what it is to be blind (it is not, I am given to understand, like closing your eyes or being in pitch-blackness; black is practically if not technically a color, and such must be seen). Likewise, I don't know if others could truly understand what it's like for me, why it is inherently impossible for me to generally cool down or get over moods and such as quickly as they do; I only hope they as I can come perhaps to intellectually understand and accept this difference between us. Long paragraph, no? Perhaps should have been more than the one, but I wanted to keep today's update all together, you see. Any rate, that's all I can think of to say right now (I do hope I'm not forgetting anything I meant to say).