Journal the Last, 1.6

Journal the Last ©
Book 1 Part 6

Journal Contents

Robbie's Folly, continued
on the return
my vehicle apparently ran out of gas sooner than i had expected so i coast off the interstate and make it to a gravel parking lot i use the can of gas and have trouble keeping the car running double trouble i pull out after inspecting it briefly and start looking for a service station i can barely keepmoving and i wonder if i am tearing it up worst i swing around several blocks still looking and getting pissed at not finding i finally pull up at a light and it quits i am out looking it over again--the light changes once, twice and is red again a car pulls up and ask if they can help they park in a lot near by two boys and a girl try rolling it in reverse it cranks and he says it is cuting out bad he sees a loose wire--stop and try again it wont push it into a side road check again--loose spark plug cap that fixes it i thank them and reach into my pocket out comes a clip of twentys he says no i say yes--go buy yourself a coke they walk up the side walk one of the boys ahead--the other two with arms around each other i am thinking again now i should have had a better idea--go to the local hang out and get to know each other better i should have said it is rare to see kids such as you--help a fellow strager--and you should be rewarded

you can tell by the way the eyes move and meet
you can tell by the way the eyes move and meet

friday night
november moon-cold-no breeze-clear--at the plaze; village pizza; after a football game; live band--collect money for steve in trouble; in the bak--clear sky-moon; kid taking a piss; at the mall; art show--individual; interesting people; found bread; and enterance to the mall canyons

he wrecked his car

{somewhere i made a note but cant find it now. while riding around the same night he wrecked his car on way to Folly Beach, i blew my van horn for no reason. weird huh?}

understand; opus 17; working my back; it don't matter with me; love the one you're with; playing both sides of the fence

i can make people see a different side of life i rather do that than make them feel shitty; i don't care anymore; fencing with words; i discovered that i can make people happy

friday night
arrived dale city exit one am; lost; found ocoquan and drinking town; made it to dale city one-thirty drive around looking till two-twenty pulled in after brother; has son now; called home. moved benny saturday all day ate sandwiches worked wit les. benny argues with truck rental; go buy skates; shower; eat supper at bennys; help joel put crib together. get gas; ask for directions to local hangout dance at woodbridge; pick up john and eddie; go to georges place; party delayed; fear of strangers. leave; break fence; go to another dance; cost money; they talked; drove to eddies and left; push car; sneak in to home

coffee at geneo's; long hair freaky looking people

if he wants me along he will ask me to do so. if he wants to come he will ask to do so

i ask--ken stays--pissed off chuck walks out the door--neither of us go--how about the car, mom can drive it back--slow down you're going to fast--i can go to dc i am going to dc planning to leave from work the drive down talk, pick up car, sleep, lead and follow. saturday night-sunday morning drinking--naturally sit at booth wit mrs r, jay, eddie and chuck i one beer and two wines. you don't like jay--if he has been with the family this long he is an ok guy. linda and michael i sit a while then leave.

walked up the street i sit on the bench walked back down to riptide--they are still talking--i am seen, i went. i walk down to the corner head home jay and mrs r are ahead i wait then follow meanwhile eddie and chuck leave riptide and make it home before me. i arrive they said just about to go looking for me. jay and mrs r leave chuck eddie and i go for a ride to circle across bridge and up to end of island. he talks alot.

saturday afternoon -- ride, ride, ride

sunday afternoon eddie leaves for a walk i decide to go out also we meet lets get chuck to take us for a ride

a collection of personalities
at the village inn persons living sharing experience; easily influenced assuming person's personallity; wearing shorts in the winter; they dont understand; talking over my head; uncordinated kid cant make out with his cick and keep his foot on the brake; flash back; he burned his dairy

sharing experiences is living

to touch, to hold, to be together, to love

the needle in the stationary
then the night chuck came on nights--he was listenig to bob who was talking aobut us; some night after chuck quoted, 'i am happy and without any needle marks or pills.' then last night ken made a hint, 'any you been going across town for your.' i pursued the subject to rasie more doubt. why did hint? whats that suppose to mean? you got a guilt complex or something?

changing personalities

and the caters have their fiftyth; jamie--he'll be there, may try to see him; sittig at the city cafe--all night place; thinking wondering; the fabulous pin-ball machine; forever the same at the lotta burger; a boot camper returns; cousin trotter; what's happening elsewhere?

everyone to your respective corners; seperation too much of; living together seperately; where is the division between privacy and togetherness; sharing experiences is living; too much of being together; being nice and being mean - double meaning; to be treated as a loner - to be mean; everyone lives their own life; do not force your living habits on me; who started this?

the village inn
meet chuck here tonight; been here a while; told him about what i have seen; it was a meeting; ohio; why---he is an interesting person with an interesting influence on me; this is a frinedly place - a local hangout; do you hear something like an airplane; there it is again; did you hear; yeah we heard it; did you really or are you two just drunk?

the full moon of december
i am gaining control of myself; i can assume an outsiders view point with true feeling; i have changed personalities - for a while; to choose who you will let influence your personality; the village inn, before, i ride robbie to catch his flight; this song for janice and her friends; randy she called as he left; a lively group of fakes; the group of three seems to have brought teir friends; the fakers are coming on too strong; two by two always in pairs; Ohio - love the one you're with

you can tell by the way the eyes move and meet

to be able to buy plane tickets, to buy gifts for nephews and neices, to always have money available

issac hayes, number one, memphis lover
then there are two maybe three bars
she wears her hair the same at the anchor
sharing a flat
a kid in formal, alone, looking blue
and our eyes meet for a brief mometn even thoughshe is with another
an interesting thing - a kid playing bells and chanting, dresed to get attention

from the last
with young people he rides; sign of times to come; a dark right - she knows, she understands; the robinson brothers and their power organization; wager of three to become four; the second richest cutting grass for the first; one of the better nights at the village inn; a neat place

the power of a whisper

love is what we came here for; no one could offer you more; bubble gummers apssing notes to the others; boyish and girlish; who rides with who; muscle control at faster and faster speeds; couples doubles and triples

the old always understand but the middle don't

she smiles the smile of meories; now a path free to walk; she understands but does she know she understands

the diff in height is too much noticable but why care

colouful persons--the kind charles dickens would

hair--long and beautiful hair; did yuo right the book of love; do you have faith in god above; in love with him; pink carnation and a pick up truck; drove my chevy to the levie but the levie was dry; i met a girl who sang the blues and i asked her for some happy news but she just smiled and turned away; three men i admire most; last train to the coast

ken left--outside, neat thoughts of traveling

yuma

friends are important; mind probing

listen to the rythemn of the f
                              a
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the camero, the mavrick, the volkswagen ---
the first was only minding its business when the other showed up. it was only a glimpse, but that ws all it took; a little bit of self confidence from a low rumble into a mild roar; just to be sure of his self. the other had already gone and finally the blasted thing changed -- why do they have them? ah, an entrance -- to catch up. not much, just a rumble that catches the ear if you happen to be listening. there it is, unaware for the moment. ha, a glimpse in the mirror of something orange with black strip. we'll see about this -- a slight kick forward, then a change of mind. no, i'll wait for him at the light. hey, this is going to be interesting, together they make a rough sounding rumble. the other is in front of me and the first is on its right. they share the same makrings and are of the same nation, just different breeds, like the simmese and tom cat of the cat family. neither looks at the other but they know he is there. just a hint of a roar from the right -- answered immediately. now they both understand. it changes but what is expected does not happen -- a pace at the head of the others, no loud roar or screams, just a double low rumble. hey, they really understand each other. at the next one, the other gives a slight kick and moves to the left, the first drops and lets it drag, i get between them. this time their is a hint from the left and an answer from the right. but wait, what is that making the corner there on the right -- it is an orange kitten with a black strip and, and wide tracks, wow. there it goes puttering down the straight way. and what's that i hear, a rough roar of jealiousness from the right and left and wow, what a screetch. and when the light changed, they turned and looked at each other like they both had lost. then they parted away from each other, quietly.

master guidelines--your own personallity--fantasy background

he drives -- he parks -- he rides

shopping in short sleeve; december and christmas

where ken lives, where chuck lives

told of girl watching with ralph

drunken uncle

it is becoming more of a neccesity to talk and talk to have companionship; i can no longer stand to be alone

point -- didn't mean to distrub your concentration -- i don't like to talk while you are thinking

pay attention next time -- you idiot

he has changed but why -- because he said he was going to -- has he matured a rapid segmant -- does he suspect or know what i have been doing; does he understand more than i credit him to understand; more since he has brought a truck; finical maturity ever time

i observe and take note of the emotional over zealous suspection of the first notes; in retro spect i see which is better than being blind in retro spect; this explain many things, as love usually does; have i influence him -- has he yielded to let himself be influenced; why then

not of any real importance -- but which is worth noting -- drugs, bad news; he has been approached by others and offered the experience; i can see a little more clearly but yet do not understand; i imagine that there are three sets; i have snesed control for a while but that seems to be fading

under self-analysis, i need companionship -- everyone does

projects to keep the mind occupied; that i will do; if my mind snaps; speaking of which -- i detect more of lately. however a better understandinn is near at hand -- i don't care to loose the opportunity; max hate and discontent -- a major reason to start these projects i have planned; control and attitude, a change in personality; because he has interesting things to say and do; temper, temper -- control or uncontrol outside ihop; hours left must finish; my only problem ws the lies and fantises

a confidence builder -- what you wear and with whom will turn a girls eyes; doing something to be different; dressing to be differetn; dressing to look sharp

so its true -- always on the move -- always doing something -- no slack time -- no time to think

he was one of the ------- thinking with the whole body, ask chuck it is one of his tricks, he was one of the ------

the laugh at twelve midnight
laugh laugh laughter
a cynical knid of laughter
standing out back of janaf -- windy, high full moon, cans on the pavement being blown by the wind, pleasant temp, levi coat, bells, loofers, shirt

feeling a hoodlum kind of groovel all i need now is a friend -- a fellow hood

a full moon for the new year; a different beginning; it happened at the plaza with all of its moods and impressions plus its new year feeling of old and past new years; to end the old -- an incident with a stranger, she and mike had a folling out -- she walked down the store front -- i followed; 'your name's nancy' with the new year comes a change -- things will work out, we parted; at the corner i watched the kids in front of village inn; i walked from one year to the next to stand out back leaning up against the wall; listen to the sounds -- just listen -- firecrackers, car horns, party horns, shouting, -- just listen to those sounds -- and feel the cold wind; listen and laugh --- laugh at the thoughts, thoughts of the last and the ones before, here -- there -- folly beach, ohio, chicago, dc, new york, boston -- thought of the past months laugh and be happy its over -- its over

a cold breeze for the new year

a slice of american pie weekend; look what they done to my song; they know they understand; friends -- i am always in trouble -- i am thinking of making a profession of it; bringing yourself to the same level of ignorance and confusion that i enjoy

r e a l l y n e a t w e e k e n d

he was one of those person with that unique personality which catches your eye the first time you meet him, yuo know then that he will be interesting. he will be the one things happen to, he will not let it show whether or not he is just as he is or if he is as he wants to be. whether or not he thinks, out thinks, double or triple thinks. whether or not he jsut is or is conscious of how he is. just enough to make you wonder if he understands. a unique personality that shows a unique background one which is built out of preporation by an active imigination which sees little and suspects a lot

all it takes is some one to talk to --- a few words with the right person at the right time. up and down no control over

one about which you want to learn more and more without being noisy. if you are not careful you let him influence too much, or else the excitmetn of exploration gets to be too much and you lose control of your thoughts -- the background builds the personality -- an incident with broken love. the important objective of the entire situation is that you learn not to analyze friends, friendships -- you learn to accept them as friends, close friends, acquitances or just persons. you know that it is none of your business but the desire to know is so strong. it is as he said, ' friends are the most important, without them there is nothing.' nothing to share, experience only your friends will remember you after you are gone. you may be envious of some of his past experiences -- because they are diff from yours, but remember that your experiences are diff from his. it is because you are familar with your own. when he enjoys talking about them what then -- then -- the end result is that you decide moods are tempermental. be unconcerned about what he will think. assume that he will tell you when you have gone to far.

snicker -- snicker -- snicker
they will never know
no one will never know
snicker -- snicker -- snicker

March 1972

friends, friendships, loneliness and The Man
study period -- july 1971 thru february 1972 -- observations and conclusions march 1972

no man is an island unto himself. physically or emotionally? beign a hermit is seperartion from others with survival dependant only fro the imediate surroundings and occassionally dependancy on manufactrued products. a hermit is satisfied with his scene and is at peace with his mind and with his God. he has no need (questionable) of friends or friendship either because he does not understand friendship or he understands but has decided that friends do not satisfy his needs. in the first case it is a question of whether or not to develop an undestanding -- part one, he has not had so has loast nothing; part two, an understanding would develop a sense of something missed. the second case is a question of wise choice -- part one, with no debate it is his decision for his satisfaction; part two, in another's mind he was wrong.

loneliness is an understanding of friendship and being friendless, an existance of casual greetings among a mob without knowing who is greeting who

Odds and Ends from Book 1

what is the difference between --- idlize; envious; admiration; rationalization

what is mine in mine and what is your is your; what is mine is mine and what is your is negotiable; what is your is yours and what is min is yours whenever you need it

is he just being polite and only humouring me? he knows now, if he read, what will please me. is he showing interest jsut to be nice? just to make people happy. did he figure the situation out for himself?

was anything really missed during high school?
yes yes yes yes yes; rationalization is blame on imagination of experiences beyond what is really possible and what is as it would have been; if the feeling of dissatisfaction is present then experiences are missing which should have been experienced

envious is then knowing that someone has experienced the experiences which you have felt you have missed; idealization is for the same reason

both are being selfess when compared with admiration which is an attitude of it is nice that it happened to him and i am happy for him.

however, admiration, envious, and idealization does not remove the fact that there are experiences which have been missed in the past which will never be recovered

there will not be any satisfaction untill i know that i have helped him; influenced him; others who are interested in me as i am interested in them; the last is neccessary to build my confidence.

i shall call you a liar till you can tell me why i have called you a liar

reason obeys itself, ignorance submits to whatever is dictated to it.

education --- a higher level of confusion and ignorance

Mamas and Papas

once was a time when i thought; that love could be sold or bought; and everything fell in place for me; the fashsion of passion that; ration with caution because of the notion; the potion of passion had never been passed to me. but since it was sunday and sunny; i went for a stroll; but peanuts and pigeons and people; put me in a hole; a blessing, refreshing in you did unfold; despelling, depressing distress and salt from my soul. but now if you're by my side; i find i feel so satisfied; somebody must have lied to me.

Midnight Beach Walk

There was nothing better to do so i go down to the beach, which is something that i have never done before, that is, go down to the beach after i got off work at eleven. anyway it was about twelve by the time i made it to the beach. the first thing i do is to pick up an army type and take him out to fort story. he had been sitting at the western union waitiing, for six hours. an exchange of who is who and does what, and what to do. depends on the type of group you want to run with. that is, drinking, teenagers, mall, church. point is to meet people; i like to meet people. we are stopped at the gate, a check for id; the chow hall was robbed. thanks a million, i really appreciate you going out of your way. make it back down to the beach. stop at the purtian and have a couple cups of chocolate; and do some writing and some thinking. wondering about robbie and how nice it must be. developing techniques. bringing back some past experiences which must survice. putting records together for a tape of lost love. find another parking place and go onto the boardwalk to look for that chick i saw wandering around on the streets at this hour of the morning. walk out onto and look down then up and there she is standing looking out. hop over tht rail and walk up the beach. collar turned up and looking a lonely kind of hoodlum. lookig around at the sand and water and sky; think that six hundred mile down the shore is folly beach, with lakewood, myrtle, hatteras between. wondering who is where and doing what at the moment. go leans against the wall in the shadows. walk behind her and on up to the porch of a motel; sit in the grass and lean back against the brick wall a hedge to the side. wonder what the impression is. should i apprach; waith till she shows some interest. hey Lord like man give me some action to read by; can i help her, how. this is getting now where and slowly. make a move down to the rail; like wow, she turns and heads for the street. cut through the ally between carolina and some other. watch her cross the street and go down twenty-third. like hey Man, thanks for telling me, but is this specific or general?