Sunday Jan 5, 1986
4:15 PM
Washing the newness out of the wranglers I got yesterday, cant stand to wear new jeans. "Second Wind" is playing on the radio, it's that song the kind in Binghamton sang at the Inn Lounge. I think it's by Billy Joel. I think it's about life and how hard it is and how you just have to get your second wind and keep on trucking.
I need that philosophy today too, .... It's always us innocents who get burnt by other people's mistakes. .... {{Why are they chasing that little kid?}} .... It's so hard to be a Christain with people like running loose, going unpunished for all the people hurt. Especially why God lets these things happen to me? Is it really true that I'm being punished, punished for what? Or is it the evil one trying to turn me against God? It's all so bloody confusing.
{{Those kids are hanging around the pay phones. Are they acting out acting in by pretending to have some action going -- like Peanuts Marcie's mall thing?}}
Monday Jan 6, 1986
6:50 PM
Towers Four parking. On the way over here I thought aobut the boy and two girls I picked up one time. Somewhere between VaB and Richmond. They were the ones who wanted me to go onto a party with them. But that's not really why I'm writing. The other thought was taht Ishould start the collection of memories. Just short paragraphs of random experiences. I know they wont be anything like Higgins' experiences but they are mine and i should start writing them down before they get lost in a senile old mind.
I'm going to see "That was Then This is Now'. Remember seeing the "Hobbit" movie here and what others? Should have got my ticket early it's getting crowded now.
Tuesday Jan 7, 1986
6:30 PM
That was a really good movies last night. The trials and tribulations of adolescent friendship. Brian the good looking ladies mand and Mark the self-orphaned loner, M & M the preteen rebel. The wildtimes, the sad times, the parting of ways, theloner left alone again. Loved the story. the actors a good par I guess, filming etal good too. {{The lady at the ticket booth told two boys that Remo was better. I guess it must be true, they think violence makes a moivie. Sad so very, very sad.}}
Wednesday Jan 8, 1986
8:15 PM
Something happended that hasnt happened in a long time, someone said I reminded them of John Lennon, it was up at Billos, a Donna G said it. I had my army coat and Indy Jones hat on. Donna, a check out lady and set told me that when I checked out. It was the same lady who almost bumped into me just a few minutes abefore. Still dont know what to make of people who I make think of John Lennon. It makes me feel good at least to be spoken too but they are really thinking of someone else.
Had a major personal crisis last night. Got over to mom's and realized I didnt have my denium cap with me. Had been wearing my Inday hat and carrying the cap along. Left mom's and got home but my cap wan't here so sent back out at fifteen after ten to go back up town to Randy's I ws there early. Sure enough there it laid on the ground. Thanked God for looking after my and my cap; he kept any animals or people from taking it. One little troubling thought though, you know how you kinda say "I'll do anything to ... blah blah balh," and the thought flashes through, 'my soul included.' Well it did and it bothers me that I dont think of how God going to take care of me first. Oh yes, I slep with my cap last night and I did thank God for looking after it.
Thursday Jan 9, 1986
6:45 PM
What are the kids really learning i school these days? ARe they learning about ancient Greece and Rome? Geography? Science and math? Not just addig or punching a calculator, I mean Algegra, Geometrey, analytical etal. Who's Plato, Homer, Frost? What's Great Expectations, Canturbury Tales, Pardise Lost?
9:30 PM
The state is goin to kill a young man in the morning at 5:00 am. He was 17 when 'they' say he killed three people. There was an older man, 26, who influenced him, the Sahw man the state killed last year. He says his lawyers plea bargined for him for a life sentence. Mother Tereasa even called from Rome to encourage the governor to intervene. But he refused -- deep down I know it's all politicially driven. I guess if there is anything to learn from this case, it's dont ever bargin away the truth -- dont ever admit to anything that you didnt do. {{You know what is really scary -- this attitude about lock 'em up and throw away the key, law and order, kill 'em so they dont get uot to do it again, etc, etal. Justice has follow its course, all the legal steps were taken, it's a court matter etc & etal. It's state sanctioned billigent lynching.}}
God have mercy on his soul and all those who put him in his situation.
Saturday Jan 11, 1986
5:15 PM
Well, today I saw ice at Whitewater Falls. That's where I'm at now. There wasnt a whole lot of ice, just enought to know that it's only there where mist falls. It was pretty and made it feel more like winter in the wildernss. Did a couple of hits but still dont have no buzz going yet. The sun is low so that only the peak of the Ridge in the light now. I guess you might ever say it's late up here. The air is clear enought so that the vista toward Pickens is brownish instead of blueish like it is during the summer. Oh yea, wore Roberts army coat and Indy hat up here I think that really made the day. Should be moving along now, thought I should write something while I was here.
6:35 PM
Mazzio's Pizza, Clemson. Coming off the mountain I look westward, hills and setting sun, and an old familiar felling returned. I think taht it wa a look "westward young man" back in David crocket, Daniel Boone's day type of feeling. Maybe a '60's mountain trip type of eremembering 'Look westward..' Anyway it was a nice warming kind of felling. Drove to clemson via Salem, K-T-C, Seneca, came in from the West by the YMCA place. The stargazers had their scopes out, looking at Halley's comet. The kids are back in town. I knew that, it's just that I was wondering what kind of 'celebration of life' they would be doing tonight. I know there were other thoughts but they seem ellusive now. Oh, one of the obvious ones is the Whitewater Falls -- Clemson connection, studetnns going up there and returnig to the dorms in the evening. And the thougth of sitting in the Quad with coat & hat weriting but I dont know if I can do that now. I know I really should that's why I drove down here tonight. {{Remember that "Gathering Place" you thought of, the latest is that it should be a starving artist / writer outlet, a place where bands etal could perform.}}
Something for the 'I remember' book, picking up that songwriter student on his way back from signing with an agent. Since I'm on a target now, the St Elmos fire thing, I asked Tony & Debbie if they had seen the movie, they did not, but they still thought the love theme song meant something to them. So I guess you really didnt have to see the movie for the song to move you.
What were all those great feling on the way here?
8:10 PM
Went over to the crowd watchng Halley's. Figured Joe would be there. Ran into Tony, Natilie and Dave, what a let down I could have done without seeing them, especially after last January. No, I am not at the Quad -- I'm over at the Clemson House Bench. Couldnt stand to have any one watching me after the run-in noted above. It's much better if I can hide in the darkness, so I cant be seen. Before I went over to the omet place, I was wandering around the Civil Engr place looking for a place to piss -- At the bullentin board a man asked directions to the comet place -- well I told him and then later he saw me there and it was a big crowd there too.
What if I could just sit here and mental step back through the years, one at a time, and see what it was like during the years. (pause) What if I could jsut time travel back to those times. Really be there? Maybe the only thing I should do is take a mental tour of the current campus. Wont never be a part of it so I jsut as well pretend I can be. --Oh Wow -- the candles are gone. --
A little later.
I just had to walk around some so I did. Down here beside the Amp theater. The place wher Elisha played. It's lighted here, but still no prying eyes. This place is almost the center of the campus and no one is around. Not the social center but the geo center. Where are the loners tonight, in their lonely hiding places, doing their lonely things. I've got clothes to wsh so I'd better move along.
9:40 PM
Washing clothes now. I've never started so late before. I wonder if JB will be the one to close tonight. Wont make no difference -- yes it will - I cant stand the man, he refuses to do anything to improve engineering, He just flatout dont wnat anyhone to have their own computer. I dont want to think about it.
Lost one of my gloves. It's not in the jeep or clothes, probably on the ground down in Clemson some where. Lost the good feeling with it tonight too. I dont like to loose things like that, it's like loosing a friend.
Wednesday Jan 15, 1986
9:20 PM
He wasnt lost. Found him between passenger seat and door. More worry wasted on imiginary troubles.
You know what a lot of my loneliness is? It not every having experienced that commrodizre of the youth - their celebration of life. Maybe it si not loneliness, it's this constant infactuation with the young people. Yes that's it.
That publishing company was only after my money, $7500 for a $2500 job. What a ripoff.
Thursday Jan 16, 1986
9:15 PM
Courthouse steps, long time no sit. Still havent got a handle on this commradorie thing. Those people who exercise in these body shops is taht one of the reason they go there. For the fellowship? {{{Oh yes, I learnt two new terms today. Road babys and boheminia hippie punk parasitic communist.}}}
commrodarie, fellowship, love of life, celebration of life, getting down, meanning of llife universe & everything, party, in the groove, friendship.
What other name does it go by? What does it really mean? What is it really like? You know taht group of street kids gathered around a trash can fire, in a New York alley, or Greenville back street, they've got commradiarie, it's not jsut the '80 winter olympic thing. {{{Goffer, just walked by - remember the "I've done it all" quote in '81 and circa '61?}}} Winter's not ever a month old and already the scent of Spring is i the air. Something about holidays are past and a new year has begun. What ever it is the days are longer. I wonder if where ever tow or three gather commrodarie is there too? They werent many (the place was deserted) here last night, but the traffic is rolling tonight. I wonder if they sense the Spring scent too?
God, what's it going to take for me to have friends like 'they' have friends? Ones who call me up to invite me out? Ones with whom we understand each other's deepest feelings and thoughts? Like Kenny and his buddy shopping at Bilos? Or a live in girlfriend? Or a place to hang out to meet people?
Seems like there was something I came up here ot writed down, but it is ellusive tonight. Guess I might as well go on home. Something about my book?
Saturday Jan 18, 1986
5:30 PM
This time it felt like the teeage fifty comming down off the mountain. Came back by Shady Grove road, that ws the way to go up into that part of the country back then. By the way, for a cloudy, drizzle Saturday afternoon, there were a lot of people up there. {{Thought about entering the high school one night -- you know - through the girls window.}}
Sunday Jan 19, 1986
10:00 PM
Turned into one of those lonely feeling kind of Saturday nights last night. Part of it was brought on by 'Boo-Boo' and his girl. {Remember him, he was the tanned body builder who sat across the street from me that afternoon in '81, the one who hung out at Packman's.} They came in to the laundry mat while I was there, brought those '81 memories back plus seeing couples make it. Poionantly painful of my own loneliness.
Dont like the vibs upon Main Street this past fe Sundays and other evenings. It feelings like they dont want me hanging around any more. I guess there's the rumor thing going around again.
Thursday jan 23, 1986
6:30PM
Cant seem to write as much as I use too. partly due to 'signing' with Randy. We practiced Monday Tuesday and Wednesday nights. And then there's this thing with the manuscript, got two copies together to send off to contests. I'll be glad when some pro tells me the stuff stinks and is worthless. then it'll be all over with.
It's super bowl time again and South Carolina has tow natives, one on each team, playing. The 'fridge' Perry and some other name from Easley. Got in on a bowl pool this time -- first time I've ever played one, a $6 to $200 shot. Must try to concentrate on the Zen of all the other pools during game time. Maybe Sunday wont be too bad.
Why must it be so difficult justifing a computer?
Wednesday Jan 29, 1986
6:30 PM
The Flu really sucks, man. Started in on me last Friday morning about four and didnt let up till this morning. Still have the after effects - sore throat & stuffy head. Thougth I had alread had my quote of sickness this season. But the last time was a stomach virus so I guess it didnt count. Didnt get to help Harold Saturday either. Only got to go up Friday night with Wayne, Ralph, ? and Harold to set up tables. Only thing I manged to do is go over to moms on Sunday. Randy had it too, practically on the same schedule too. And what's really bas is the cold weather that set in. Another one of those artic express highs. Got below freezing Sunday night and finally thawed out this mornig. Randy had his heater going full blast and so did I. The best we could maintan was 65 in the rooms. Feeling bad and too cold to get out (even for healthy people) really does give a person a helpless despairig feeling. And there more, yesterday the shuttle blew up during lauch and mom called to make sure I knew about it and then told me Eddie left home to go live with his mother. And then last night she talked about needed somone to stay with her agian. So I guess it going to be another depressing year. No relief for the weary and kick 'em when they're down.
Shouldnt write like that. Had two more cryng spells one Monday and one Tuesday. Started out giving thanks for my meager meal, Tuesday and broke down, feeling sorry for myself and ask God why all the heartache. So I cried it out and thanked God for helping me as He does.
Friday Jan 31, 1986
9:45 PM
Just got in from visiting Randy. he's still feeling bad but as least he's sitting up more. Watched 'Twilight Zone' with him. He just hasnt been getting out of bed enough. Dont think he's left the apt since Saturday. The owner's havent fixed his bathroom yet either, still letting it dry out. he talked about Shelia talking about me being quiet and never talking. I know it's too late now but why didnt Shelia and all the others hit me over the head with a two-by-four to get my attention and then say "Hey you, let's be friends." I might could have realized someone cared then.
Saturday Feb 1, 1986
1:35 PM
Washing clothes again. Cant put my finger on it, but I feel about halfway deciet fro a change. (Not depresed as much as usual.) PRobably something to do with beign over the flu (hopefully) and the crying spells noted above. Maybe a few seconds communion with God goes a long way. I do hope it, the felings, does come from good sources and will last a long time. Ther's also that thought of Cabin Fever Release and Rits of Spring Fever I had the other day. Wonder what the colege kids will be doing this year. And then there's the really hard core celebrations of life like surviving another hard cold winter. I wonder what those "wishing I was part of college life" felelings really mean. I think I'm beginning to wish I had a degree, jsut to shwo that I was once part of the college life. And then they are those who did finish out of my days and still are aparet of college life by being teachers.
Something I think that bothers me too. But midlife depression has takend it's toll and those things (opportunities) are gone for ever. "Youth is truely wasted on the young." Too immature to know what great potential they have.
Those are interesting song words, "Dreaming will see me through." If reality is too heavy, why not dream of the happiness that could have been? Is it, does it do anybody any harm?
2:40 PM
What is with this thing of having to plan my days around going to see mom? She said Thursday that they changed her schedule to stay at hospital on Sunday, now. So instead of going on about my business on Saturday I have to start thinking about staying with her since she wont be there on Sunday night. I've sit with her four out of seven days for years. Why should I feel guilty avout cutting back to three of seen? God knows i've done more than my share of taking care of her. And she stil lhints about wanting someone to stay with her.
Sunday Feb 2, 1986
6:00 PM
Almost didnt come down here, Clemson that is. Went to spend the afternoon at moms, just like always and ended up with one of them old time 'take Robert back to Clemson Sunday evening' type of feelings. Still traces of it left, but it is eighty-six and that's what I should think about. Told Randy about wanting to get that college degree, to be part of the coleg life again, the commraderis. He said they could call me Pops. {{I thought so, that clock in Tillman is run - racing fast, it ws showing eight when I got here now it's shows nine-forty. And I've only been here ten minutes. Nind-fity. wonder who's in the tower setting the time? Or how they do that?}}
This is a nice Feeling now, nothing from the old times left, only 'now' times. I wonder, should I try again, twenty years later? in eighty-seven? It's an early Spring like day in February, on a college campus. One, surely more, in short sleeves, and short pants most everyone else with no coats. And lots are out walking and jogging. yes it's really a nice feeling now. Pre-emblim to the rits of spring - a warming up to the warming up. Cabin fever has broken it's all down hill from here ==three in the attic, I wonder if there is such as that around here, now?== Excuse me for not writing, Im caught up in the Zen of being here. And dreaming of how life is for others and could have been for me.
===About the clock, it takes an hour to do six. ===
Wednesday Feb 5, 1986
6:10 PM
Cindy's. I dont think I've ever wrote here before. On the way to see a movie tonight. Couldnt hardly decide what to do tonight. Usually go to movies on Wednesday night, but thought I should practice singing too - getting behind in building my vocabulary. Still not any good mvies to see, I guess that's why it's had to decide what to do these days. But since I've not beenout, so to speak, since I'v got over the flu, I thought I shoule, maybe, start back with the movie thing. ===About Cindy's, it started with Sid, then Brain and no it's Roger, working on my third generation help here. ===
Friday Feb 7, 1986
9:00 PM
Not that I have anything to say. It's just that Im sitting at the ampitheater at Easley, waiting for the movie to start. Thought I should write something just so that I will have written a little at this place. I'm scared of the crowds now. Didnt realy want to come down here because I thought the theater would be crowded, but when I drove by and saw there was not many people there, the anxiety left. It's cooler than it was last night. Really should go back home and practice my signing. I know I wont tomorrow or Sunday. And Monday Randy will want to move on to the next lesson. Maybe tomorrow night will be a better movie night. It wont be nothing but a stupid car chase anyway.
Saturday Feb 8, 1986
3:00 PM
Whitewater Falls again. It was too cold at the top today so I'm already headed back out. Sitting on the fence by the parking lot now. There is some one sitting way up yonder on toop of the new cut all by himself too, just like me, wonder who he is? There's a group of college type kids sitting on the grass next to the walks too. I think part of them were the ones who were at the bottom of the Falls. By the way, the top of the falls has gotten too crowded and windy, me thinks this year I will have to find a new hidding place about half way down. I guess I really do have the phobia or else I want too much to be part of a crowd but know it'll never happen. Oh yes, I saw another falls on the side of one of these hills, on the left looking toward the lakes. The college types just left and the loner on the high ground too. Just for the note of it, they change the fence at the main overlook, it's like all the new fences now. I wonder what that was all about, I saw him ride his motorbike in when I walked down to the fence, didnt know he - well maybe he did walk up to the overlook. Anyway after a while he rides around the loop and by some women and one of them ends up behind him. They ride up to the highway and back. The women get in their car and he rides off alone. What was that all about?
5:15 PM
This is a very first. First, washing clothes at Tigerette Laundrette in Clemson. you know the one by the university square - the old laundrette - the one I remember Lynn, Tome and them talk about using. I know the machines are different now But the building and colaties is the some. What was it like back then - to be living in the Tin Cans like them - to be free from home ties? And what's it like to be nineteen in the mid-eighties? I think I really messed up by not leaving home then. Do you realize that if I had been fooling around with the coeds back in '68 and knocked one up, he would be fooling around with the coeds this year. Nineteen makes nineteen. If I keep this line of thoughts up, I'll get depressed again. I can already feel it coming on by coming down. ===You cant change the past - you can not change the past. What cant you get hat through your thick skull and let it go. You can work on the here and now. You can work on the here and now. So whay dont you do that?=== It's so hopeless - I should be some where where there are women my age. But at this time in life, most of them are other men's leftovers. {{She's married I saw the rign on her finger then.}}
6:10 PM
Mazzio's Pizza. Back in with the old pictures and faces. I had a thought on the way over -- when I'm i with people who are lond dead -- youth from long long ago -- I feel better. I know I cant -- couldnt ever be part of their times so I know there was nothing I doucld do about it. 1896 intercollegiate football, hair parted in the middle. Wonder what they did for fun - did they smoke any weed back then or ws it moonshine they chased? There's a faint sense of me being part of the past now,. TGhta's interesting too. Some of them may have dropped out too. That's what part of my problem is - I think that everybody Isee on campus will finish and have a degree. So what if some of my contemparary flunkies made it and I didnt. They are dropouts every year and some o fthem are doing good for themselves so I'm in good companyl Except for those who dropped for haveing to muchof a fun time with the coeds.
May end up going on home. It's the loneliness setting in. There's this group of four bathing in commaraderie and I cant stand it.
Tuesday Feb 11, 1986
6:50 PM
Greenville is back hassling the cruisers again. Perminant blocks and writing up every little violation. The News people talked about it Friday nith. Then Sunday afternoon saw part of "Chitty Bang Bang', it was the movie where the Germany Village banned the childre. They had to hide under the Barron's Castle. Unwanted kids what will become of them?
Kinda looked back through the Journal and noticed that Ihavent been writing as many T-H-C. Dont think they have been happenings as often as they used to -- else I just havent paid any attention to them.
Monday Feb 17, 1986
6:30 PM
It's so easy to let a week slip by without writing. I thought about doing it when it snow Friday or last night before teh cruiser came out. But didnt. A week's nothing anyway. I've let a year go by without following throught on Terry ---. I'm ashamed to try now. And come late Spring it'll be a year since I wrote Robbie and Rose.
Wednesday Feb 19, 1986
6:45 PM
McD's in Pickens. Spent most of the day reworking a program. First time in a long time I've really got with programming again. Rework the drawgear program into one for planetary systems. It snowed last Friday and was gone by afternoon Saturaday. Didnt really feel like getting out in it. But went uptown to eat supper anyway. The Feedroom was closed but some others were in there anyway. I went in too. They jeep doesnt get around in snow iwth those big tires. That's what I worried about while out. Still practicing signing with Randy, he's not as interested in it as he use to o. On the news tonight, they said some engineers advised against launching the shuttle. They were from the booster rocket manufacturer. They are all ready tring to cover their butts since pressured to launch that's what it is. You know this is almost fun, a new Zen. It's sitting in an all american McD watching the news. What is it - thirty-two years now, was it in '54 when he did the first one? Anyway it's twentyone or two for me. The McD on west Ceder Rock in '64 or '65.
Saturday Feb 22, 1986
9:00 PM
Washing clothes. Just finished practicing signing with Rand. We're on lesson 14 now and maybe he has gone back and practiced some. he seems to do better tongith. Wisht I could find the numbers to justifize a computer on each dsk, but they seem to be elusive. All I need is 180 hrs/yr/eng'r in time savings (43.2 min/day) {{Stupid! you dont have to make payback the 1st year.}}
Sunday Feb 23, 1986
5:30 PM
[[Pleasant Valley Sunday afternoon]] MTV said it's been twenty years since the Monkee's show. One of those long lost friends you meet up with years later type feelings. Why did I now keep in touch with those kinds of feelings? they were good for me then.
The "Chi Rhi" Christmas song and that proto type fast rap song, "Get Down"? I'll have to get their records. Their TV show was like it should have been, not like all the hypo with the Beatles and Stones. MTV's having twenty-two hours of Monkee Mania todaya nd then they'll be on every day in March. Must be sure to get the records before the price goes up with the demad. {{Oh, by the way, I'm up on the Courthouse steps. Thought I should do something different for the Monkee thing.}}
Jeeps 7 cars & trucks & vans / Sunday afternoon traffic / Early evening cruisers / Black sport car / Curyly blond hair / And still no one sees me / It's broad daylight / And still no ones knows / And motorcycles, too, of course.
Twenty years was Feb sixty-sex. What was I doing way back then? Junior Senior Prom preperation, I guess. What's done is done. Cant do anything about the past. But you can about the present! Best go on home and do some more work on the compute thing for Singer. The youth today will want the streets for themselves in an hour or two. Dont really dont, wat to intrude on their turf. Besides - it's geting chilly, sitting on brick steps in the shade.
Saturday Mar 8, 1986
1:45 PM
Man, this is ridiculous. It's been two weeks since I wrote anythng. It's all that stupid computer justification report. Now that I've proved on paper that micros are useful in engineering Ihave to convince the managers to buy them.
Went to McD's to eat but it was so backed up I came here to Hardee's Rememeber those kids, I help at the bridge on Gravely Road - '80 '81. Pulled their car out. One of them, the blond hair kid, is here too with some of his buddys. I think he ws the one who talked to me at Jack's one night. He looks to be 26 or so now. It's goo to see that they are chasing the young women. They takled with a couple as the young ladies left. Tried to arrange a future meeting. Now that I've started writing may be I can get something done today.
8:30 PM
Washing clothes. Now what's happend to all thsoe thought I was to write down? It was a memory but of what? SOmething that happened during high school - a TV show was about a prom. How aobut th things that happened at Jacks. I think that is it. The beer can on the edge of the trash can and I thought what if I could make it fall in and it did. Or one of the --- boys' saying "You're like me, you dont talk much till you're feeling good?" I remember those times now because of the blond hair kid at Hardee's {{And what about shooting pool with Ralph in '66 '67}}
Sunday Mar 9, 1986
6:00 PM
Sunset over Tillman Hall, Clemson, SC. So I didnt write much yesterday. So that's the way it goes these days. Spring fever is gettig in good these last eleven days till the real thing gets here. It's the last few days of Winter, the young know. But that makes little diff in these parts. I'ts a cool Spring time afternoon. That's what it is. Drove my old faithful friend down today, sort of like it was those nineteen year ago. {{The sun is right at the eve of Tillman Hall now and sinking fast. Now it's made in the shade time.}} Had a thought about the anti-culture classes on the way down. Pickin' up with the hippies; beatniks, motorcycle gangs, hobos -- they were the thought -- and coming the other way, it's hard rocker, punkers, valley kids, new wave, etal, It certainly would be interesting to take it farther back past the hobos, hitchhikers, route 66. ? who were the WWII dropouts? And then the Depression kids. I'd love to go sit on the Quad, but they'll be too many prying eyes to start at me. Too much thought of feeling out of place and "who's that weird relic from the sixties hippies?" It's best I jsut sit here where I'm at, out of and off of their turf. Theste times belong to them now.
Have we truly made it past Orwell's 84? Just what is the future for theste young adults? Future eng'rs and lawyers and doctors and teachers and etal. Leaders in gov't and business? Or by some sinister force hidden cogs in existing machinery? Wht future do they see for themseleves? {{{Play time must be over now. Thye've taken thier balls and frisbies and gone back to the dorms.}}} By the way, are the studious ones at the library and in the rooms doing their studious things? The thinking gone again, and writing too, so I think I'll write that I jsut sit and groove on the feeling for a while. Post Scriptum: They've gone back to the Bell in the clock tower.
7:30 PM
Mazzio's and someone choose Purple Rain on the nickelodeon.
Monday Mar 15, 1986
9:40 PM
Went to see "Best of Times" it turned out to be a good movie. It was about how, in some ways, Past bluners can be replayed and replaced with better feelings. "Give me one reason why the past cant be changed? Just one."
Saturday Mar 15, 1986
5:30 PM
I've been thinking about getting some film and making pictures of myself. Mostly because of the long hair. I think this may be the last time with long hair. It's gettig old and so am I. Maybe try to capture this John Lennon look that everyone sees in me.
Right at the moment I'm waiting on pizza at the Pizza Inn. Also looking across the new parking lot at the Winchester building, old Highway Department etal. I sent off the Jubiliations poem to WLFJ this week. I wonder what they will do with it? WOnder if I will every get recognized for my writing? wWonder if I really will go "Home" next Spring? I dont think I will be able to survive much longer alone.
Debbie's breaking up with the old man. Why did she talk with Jack Terry. It was a cumbersome conversation. Did know if he really still wasnt to get together. I hope he gets paroled and gets to go home to Ohio. He should be where he is now. I'm glad hes says he's doing alright. He has a gently voice. I hope God's on his side.
8:20 PM
Washing clothes. A young mother and kids have come in from the country side. One with country - streetwise kids. They seem happy faces but playfully wild. Saturday night washing use to be no one but me. These past few weekends there's been a crowd here. Might be because I'm here at eight rather than nine. {{These kids grew up taking care of their siblings. That's whats made the different. Wow I've just realize they are five of them and she cant be twenty-eigth yet! O, she must be the oldst sister and the smallest is a neice or nephew The other young family, he looks like Ester's boy. Seems like he did have a full beard last I saw him. Saw some musician on TV tonight and Crossroads with the karate kid is playing too.
9:05 PM
Courthouse steps. Five days till Spring '86 and only three months ago I was freezing my butt on these steps waiting for Winter. Seems like there is a lot more traffic on the streets these warm nights. Wonder if I could ever get to cruise and feel part of the crowd? I hate that "I've never felt old feeling" The best of times, Is really away to be thirty-eight and live like nineteen? Who is this man, this lonely man sitting on courthouse steps? Why isnt there a lady by his side? All he does is sit and watch. Watch all beautiful people curise by. Is he the replacemtn for the man in the jeep? Is he a future welfare stuert? It's cool and lonely I am, but dif not cool to be lonely.
Sunday Mar 16, 1986
6:00 PM
Six bells. They must have fixed the clock tower. I'm back on the Clemson bench again. And it's Spring break time too. The place is almost deserted again, sort of like christmas but for different rasons. It might ever be safet o got sit on the Quad tonight. Not so many pring eyes. All I ever do is torture myself with thoughts about missed opportunityes, imaginary situations, dreams of jhow I would do it different. Wish I knew why it happend the ws it did. At least I know how it's going to end. I can feel the weak vessels with I shake my head. It's going to be a disabling stroke. Just enough so that the rest of my mind cand be tortured. You know it wouldnt be so bad if I had a kid going to college. At least I could feel more a part of life there and then and now. The dogwoods are blossoming now - I noticed them some where else too, was it at the courthouse. Well I haven't wrote anything for fifteen minutes. Too muchin to the mood of the evening. Especially watching the squirrel close by. Maybe I jsut ought to go sit in the Quad a bit then move on home.
6:50 PM
Well I'm here and thave the whole place for myself. Except for a couple of roomlights, they have flashing signs in the windows now. "Play Pen' advertizing. Oh oh here come a couple, I think they are the same as I saw on Tillman hall side. The brick wall is nice and warm, it being in the sun all afternoon and all. Just close your eyes and let your mind take you wherever and whenever you want. Listen to the pysical plant moan away, year after year after year, after year. Seven bells now. Door and feet climbing steps, loose brick tread upon, another door. Faint music getting louder, voices and more voices, doors and more doors, stairway inclosed in glass walls, two or three more lighted windows - do they feel the solitude? do they feel me here? do they live in their own little worlds of thoughts and moods? How many footsteps are ther now? There and loud voices and fragrence of perfum. Not a knod or glance. I'm invisible to them. Who is that wird man in the Indy hat, a relic left from the sixties. It was two girls and a boy, {unreadable}. Do you think they'll be more, can I sit this close and be free from prying eyes? jsut curl up and fade away. No one'll ever know or care.
Wednesday Mar 19, 1986
6:30 PM
McDs Last Day of Winter '85-86. Tomorrows Spring Day. One of these nights I was plannning to have a campfire, either Spring Eve or Spring Night. Judy started reading the manuscript again, she reallyliked some parts - the socialogiest hunt. Then again she didnt like (understand?) other parts. -- They jedi hunt. I'm jsut glad that she's reading again. Hope she finishes it so I can start editing it. Maybe I should sit on courthouse steps -- if it's not raining.
=== Wonder if that really was Eddie I saw Saturday night. ===
Friday Mar 21, 1986
9:30 PM
home. I jsut remembered this evening afterwork, that this year is the thirtyth year since first grade. And last fall was the first of school and first of first grade. Remember Mrs Baker, remember crying because I couldnt catch on to reading and remember Sandra taking me out. Remember Pickens Mill. Remember, Remember, Remember.
Just got in from Mike's dropin. They'll be leaving for new adventures in Lousianan. Go be with them and keep them safe and healthy and happy. Saw Kevin standing with two of his buddies, sharing some parting past secret.
May the sun always shine warm upon your face, / My the winds always blow upon your back. / May your path be free from stumbling stones. / May you find happiness with Friends whereever you go.
Sunday Mar 23, 1986
6:00 PM
On the Bench again. Spring breaks over, first Spring weekend. Spring fever's breaking, young love is in the air. Dogwood blossom's still linger throught the freezing nights. It's too crowded now, to go sit in the Quad. Prying eyes are back again. {{Do they really think the manuscritp is sellable? Are they just trying to seperate me from my money with my ego? That's what they're in the business of doing?}}
The winds are blowing, the sun's gone down, it's getting cold, and I only sit, ot writing. Lost in random thoughts of college campus life. They're moving back in that's what I see, kids unloading cars, their Spring adventures over for this year. At least it's jsut the Springfest adventure.
Wednesday Mar 26, 1986
6:30 PM
McDs in route to movie. It must be really bad news year again. She wrote mom a letter to tell how he lies and it's all everybody else's fault. It's been eight yearse since she had any thing to do with the kids and she hasnt changed any. I guess mom will have to suffer her abuses til the day mom dies. Then it'll be my turn to be th object of her hatred. I asked God to make her leave mom alone and realize the results of his early childhood. So what does God do, cause him to run to her and cause her to continue to her calls and abuses. Is ther no jsutice, even from God anymore? Why, why dear God, must people like her hurt people like mom? Will her hatred grow and grow till she causes mom and dan's death?
It seems like every things I pray to God about gets twisted around and turns out bad. Is the eveil one continuing to wear my spirit and faith away?
Friday Mar 28, 1986
1:40 PM
I wonder why it is I cant write while sitting here at the top of Whitewater Falls? My thoughts are too much concerned with who might show up when and what will they think of me and why the women never takl to me nor I to them.
2:30 PM
Back at the parking lot now. They were something I was thinking about on the way back out, one of them was taht I saw a hawk attach buzzard while driving into town. Remember the last time I saw birds attacking each other in the sky? Must have been the year Joel died or shortly there after. WEonder what it might mean this year.
Another thing I mus write before I forget. The movie "CROSSROADS", Randy wanted the boy and girl to bet back together. I think it's becacuse they had sex when they were seveteena dn we did not. That's what bugs him and me, all the kids who have done what we wish we had when that age. But more importantly, something about Mr Scratch's deals and Blind Boy Willie Brown and Lightening Boy, cant quite put my finger on it but I know it was something important. And what is the significence of Fuller's Poitn, and the 'cutting heads' and not being able to make the same moves on the guitar. Oh yes, of course === IT's the mileage that makes the Blues === the best blues players are thost who play about the women they've loved. That was it. That is the important thing -- the mileage of life. What is that makes the nomad life so attractive, simply because it is nomadic of course. Hoboing with your guitar slung over the sholder, or may bit it's two wheeling motorzie or pedal powered, or the hippy van crazies or simply hiking. But there should be a woman by your side. Is it possible to pick up at thirty-seven those experiences missed twenty year ago. You know the eleders say that once you make twenty or so, it's jsut cruising along with maturing youthful feelings =="CROSSROADS" of life.
4:35 PM
Clemson Bench, it must be a school day and here I'm right at the end of it. Dogs chasing fresbies, High Schoolers skateboarding (and calling their elders faggots), most everone ? == Well would you listen to the bells - they have them operating again == those not running are pedaling their bikes. I wonder, will colege campus life ever really change? They're doing things from decades past, a sampling of the past from each and not just fads but things from other colleges too === Three ladies in back of pickup truck truned to look at me. === And the air rotc still lowers the lags. Oh wow, would you look at that - a calf length dress goes walking down the sidewalk. How long has it been since they wore those. And here's another comparsion too, these college kids and the 'crossroads' kids.
5:30 PM almost
Mazzios's Pizza early time too. I dont know if things are moving too fast today or not. What will i do tonight? Why do I come to these places? No one ever invits themselves to sit with me. And they're my kids too. What is it they takl about -spring break happenings? It's not having memories of good times with friends, that bothers me == missing memories. Maybe it'll be a stupid, lonely movie tonight. Then again I could do guitar starting all over again. If it's not too windy how about the watch like things. I havent done that yet. They're athelics talking. == I want to do somethig I dont have to go to college for, you dont have to go to college to be a Deacon, a church conusler too == that's what the other table said.
Saturday Mar 29, 1986
9:30 PM
Courthouse steps. Easter Eve. Thank you God for the encourgaing compelemtn, she said she "could see I know the Lord in my eyes." That's what she said, she could see it in my eyes. Now maybe I wont worry so much. She saw me practicing sign language. That's why she came over to talk to me. She had taken it two or three years ago but now --- Could she possibly be an answer to a question. Remember that black Indian looking man, not long after my out of body experience. Thsi past week, the last five days, I was thinking of stopping at that spot on Gravely road and asking "If you are good and work for God come back and let me knwo what it is about, if not, jsut forget about the whole thing." This lady takls with me. No one ever talks with me, I suppose to be 'invisible". and what she said really helped my spirits. Was she an answer or maybe another new sign all together?
=========== The 'ledgend' says, that about one thousand nine hundred and fifty three years ago, the man they called Joshua the Fisherman', Jesus the Christ, the Messiah, lay in someone elses tomb. And that about dawn, on the first day of the Jewish week, about eight hours from now, no two or three hours their local time, there came angels of God to roll away the sotne. The man they called 'Joshua' rose and lived again. Then when His friends came to anoint His body with oils and spices. there stood an angel in the garden who said, "Why do you seek the living among the dead?"
Now for nineteen hundred and fifty three years, men have celebrated, therozied, and philosopized aobut the meaning of what really happened that night, indeed over whether it really happend at all. Maybe it's this, what diff does it make how bad it was Friday and Saturday, Sunday's coming! ==============
There certainly are lots of curisers out for a Saturday night. Is it because it's Easter weekend or the kids are still on Spring break? Maybe the extra days haoldiay has thrown them off their biorythems. Could be they are jsut simple midned these days and one easily confused. That was a nice sight -- silent smooth motion of bycycler rolling across main street. Havent seen or heard a chopper on main street in years either but one jsut thundered down the east.
==It's maybe four thirty in Jerusalme now. ==
Sunday Mar 30, 1986
6:20 PM
Easter Sunday afternoon, at Clemson bench. Well the good feelings last night have been allused up now. They're turned itno that old time abused homesick feelings. ....
So this is Easter eightysix. I knew it ws goint ot turn out bad when I did stay for sunrise service. That lonesome feelings of being in a crowd with people eying the freak. And before that I went up to Glassy to se if Halleys was any better from there. These was a group watching a start in the East, thinking it was Halleys comet. I told them they were mistaken but they wouldnt listen to me. So sure of themselves. And then this elder man drives up and asks can you see it. Like a stupid slow thinking, dont make waves person, Is ya 'they say it is over there.' What right did I havet o mislead the man, jsut so I wouldnt cause a scene? the real puzzle is does it mean may christain life is off themark and misleding people? yes i should have know it was going to be a bad Easter when I got up at four thirty this morning.
At least now i'm beginning to feel better taht i've written it down. COuld be tha's because the sun jsut set and the day is offically over. === There's another skirt, a full length skirt walking down the sidewalk. Wonder if it's the same as I saw last time? ===
Come April 19 it will be six month old, this log that is.
Friday Apr 4, 1986
8:00 PM
Courthouse steps. Well suppose to have had a good time weekend, but 'she' has to go to Jr's wedding tomorrow. And Randy's going dirt bike riding with his friends. So I guess I'll take my four, three dollar tickets and go to the Chinia tomorrow night alone, naturally. What can God possibly have in mind to keep me in such tomrmetn? OR is ti really my own mind doing the tormeting? Could blame it on the darkside of the force too. Maybe I should be like taht guy in the wheel chair thost years ago, jsut dig me out a cave and crawl in it.
I guess that's all I wanted to stop to write, been sitting and watching traffic for past thirty minutes.
Saturday Apr 5, 1986
Whitewater Falls by the Face. What is it about classical music, the outdoors, and a little beer that blends together so well? It is so peaceful, the sould so soothed and yet a bit of seasoning with the comings and goings of life.
a little later
Maybe I should start prepring my trips ove to the top. It feels better since it is not the primary focus of the trip. I was expecting the college prepies to be here but I guess they went elsewheere. Maybe it's still the early for the the kids to be here Or maybe they have grown tired of the place too and have moved on to some other place. Or it's just because I dont come here as much as I use to. Talked with a man from Simpsonville, his firt trip and he grew up in Hickory NC. They must be pro-photos people. Where is everyone?
later still
They're still lots of cars here at the parking lot. They must be down at the bridge == This thing about Randy getting me a date. the second 'she' has swallen eyes adn the third 'she' droing something arother and Shellia doesnt wont to be a threesome and Randy says no body will tell him what they want to do. I told him I'll give hime the tickets and they can go. I can still take care of myself.
10:20 PM
Courthouse steps. Well it end up this way, Shellia, Randy and I went to Clemson, ate pizza at Mazzio's went to Tillman Hall and watched the Chinese song and dance show. The Chinese students put on an excellent performance, not profesional but excellent amateurs. It is so refreshing to experience differetn cultures. What I cant figure out is why Randy has to laught at everything. Always finding the last little thing to make a cut, putdown, or simpleton joke about. Somtimes I wonder if he is crying inside - sorta like the jolly fat people. Anyway I think, all in all, it turned out to be a good, really good day; get to feel Whitewater Fall in the new perspective, the same is true for Fall Creek, and then the mini trip to Chin, Yes today was one of the beter days -- at least for me.