Journal the Last ©
Book 4 Part 2


Journal Contents

Sunday Nov 27, 1988

7:45
     IN the AIR OVER, WHAT? I'm flying again. I'm on my way to the Carribean, a cruise you know. We are just getting above the clouds, flashes of sunlight back over the left shoulder. How long has it been, sicne I've seen the top of clouds? The Binghampton NY trip. But this is for pleasure, so this is different. In the air between GSP and ATL. Still there's little emotion.
     I woke up at three this morning, laid on the couch and dozed til five. Dreamed bits and pieces - not that I really remember them. But what I've learnt these past several months is that I dont dream and know it, till after I get up in the middle of the night to piss. Then I can relax and rest and doze and dream.
     Anyway, I washed my hair, shaved, and packed up and left. (Smoked a cig first). It was raining of course, loaded my bags and pack. Drove to Randy's. Wait for him to get up. Move stuff around. Ride to Greenville.
     The trip is on. What else is there to write. Except we're on the way down to ATL. Back through the clouds below. That's what this flight has always been. Up and Down.

Sunday Nov 27, 1988

9:00
     Atlanta Airport C-15. What a relief, pissing that is. Want to get something to eat but the snack bar is crowded and the "carry around" is too cumbersome.
     So what else to pass the time [ put in the time ] except smoke another cig. There's maybe ten or so people headed my way. One old lady has a cruise packet too. Why couldnt it be a young lade? Can I get one of the people to watch my stuff while I go eat. The smell of cooking is drifting this way. I'm going to be hungry I guess.
     Felt a bit quisie on the descent. Not sure what broght it on. A stray thougth about the college kids with their homework or Marli or just my miserable life, or was it needing to piss really bad? I'm better now. Still hungry though.

Sunday Nov 27, 1988

12:10
     In the Air Again. Just left ATL, an hour late. This is a big plane. The biggest I've flow in. Back above the clouds, more so than before. There were thunkder heads - like mountains rising above a white plain. Clouds Over Clouds that's what it is.
     Back at the waiting area, started the talking with the lady cruiser. An Power Engineering consultant from Spartanburg joined in. And then the young blond man attendent joined too. He's from Greenville. He's a talker, but why shouldnt he be; he works with the traveling public. After getting in the air, he came back to sit with the dude behind me. To smoke a cig. My mind made it more than that though, is he gay or not? Of course it's my mind what makes me think such thoughts.
     Flying high, in the sun, on the way to San Juan. There's others on board who are on the cruise, thirtynine in one group too. [[ Thought I saw Roberts the Clemson player actor/director. Wonder if it's really him. ]] {{{ "A Touch of Insanity" there are these faint senses of schizoid paranoid, left over from the Mid Summer Eve attack. There's always that thought, is it all an act, a put on, just for my benefit, the connection is Robert's presence and the other hints and signs. }}}
     Company's here so I'll find something else to do now.
Late evening
     On the Water. It's a trite expression but applicable. I cant believe it's happening!. It is too dark to write but I will try. Had a late supper with two retired couples, whatelse is new. One was from Canada, the other from Flordia. The small talk started ok, but dried up before dessert.
     Anyway, wandered up to top and front causeway. We left port while eating and I wanted to se the San Jaun light, the ships and the moonrise. Yes there was a moonrise and I saw it. Not a Full Moon, but the point is I watched the Fall Moon rise from the Top of Whiteside, on my birthday. I thought it apporpriate that I think of my Friends while here. How else I'm I to have my friend with me. So here I sit, behind the plexiglass wind screen, watching the moons reflection on the water, the lights of PR, the stars, another ship.

Monday Nov 28, 1988

mid morning
     St Thomas. Main City. Just a quick entry to make note of where and when I am. Sitting beside the road and the harbor, the traffic is like any other city. Yet it is the knowing of being here that's the main thing.
     It was not good at breakfast this morning, only one at the table and three young ladies at the next one. They got all the waiter's attention so why should I feel bad, it's all in the head you know. I did get to experience the view of approaching this island, about six thirty. Anyway, finally decided what to do - walk into town and so here I sit. Maybe I shoudl just spend the day here, not go back for lunch.
     Oh yes - I still see what I want to see - young people - rich, independent, free, sailing the Carribean, living on the islands.

Monday Nov 28, 1988

11:15
     Jct 40 - 35 Overlook.Man what a vista! It was worth every step up this hill to get here. They're other islands! Lagoons and bays. More sailboats. I'm so glad I made this trip. It's much better than the tourist route. I worked hard to get here (long term and physical climb) so I deserve to be happy! Thank you God!
12:35
     What else would it be - Another "Yesterday"s Place. Such co-inc. Will this one close up before I get back. I missread the sign when I walked by went on across the main drag, sat on a flower bed wall, listen to the native talk, my schizoid paranoid sat in too, the native hate the 'white man' too. that's what i sensed just a while ago and that's what I heard on top of the hill, "we taught them to plant vegetables." That's what the man said. Anyway I'm on my way back now. Missed lunch, not that eating alow or with strangers (no diff) was worth looking forward to. So I eat here in a resturant, where I'm suppose to be alonww.
     Some dude, pale face, walked up tihs way and turn ont a side street. Two canvas bags and a shoulder bag too, like he just got here. By plance, boat, taxi. Is he leaving an old life behind, seeking adventure now, I dont know, it's only what I wish I had and could have done.
3:20
     Back on the Boat. On the way back around the harbor, where the sidewalk is next to the water, there's a few rocks you can get on. So I did. Just sat there looking at the big sailing boat (yachets) wondering what kind of life that could be. Must have looked the lonely, backpacking, middle age, non-hunk who could never turn a ladies ey type, cause some black hooker checked me out and stopped to read any signs. I ignored her and she went on her way. Makes no diff though, I still enjoyed just sitting there imagining how I wish it could have been.
     By the way, I'm still sitting looking out the windows on the island side. Checking out where I've ben (long pause) and what I've seen. Like a seaplane landing and taking off, right in the harber, it rolled right up onto a ramp. Thought a bit about going for a ride. But didnt. {another pause lost in thought) Just look at all the sailing yachets. How do they manage to do such things? What bout the people who moved here, how do they manage? Such an adventour life!
7:15
     Cruising again. At supper {or is it dinner} met with the other talkbmates. Good news and bad news. Bad news. Like there could have been seven young ladies with me tonight. Like out of all the singles table up front, and all the identifiable singles, they'e four men and thirteen plus ladies. But you know what happened dont you, sure you do, there's this talkative bastard from Lousiana who's trying to hit up on the ladies. Pushy he is. But then that's my view, if not for him there would be painful silence. He had his set reassigned to be with three of them who he had meet the previous night. That was probably arranged too. Bah-humbug, not writing any more about that. The three are from Canada and two more are from Long Island. It shouldnt bother me about that anyway. They're all in their early twenties. The travel agaent for the three (sisters) sent a bottle of champagne for them. They shared it with the rest of us.
     Earlier, after the emer-digress excerise and before dinner, I sat and watched St Thomas lights on the near horizon. That was nice, there is St Crux I guess just over there, probably about time we're to pass it. There's something else out there but I dont know what it is -- {unreadable} on sail boat?
     There's only one more thing to make note of - saw the single dud in the cabin across from mine. He's a longhair loner, late twenties maybe thirty. Me thinks he is a loner for sure though. {{Post Script Dec 12: No he wasnt, not for long, had girls hanging around in no time, pictures of him kissing and all outside his party cabin.}}
     Me think's I'll just sit and ponder - Zen Out - on the climbing St Peter Mtn and St Thomas and etal.. Oh yes - stopped and visited with two churches and a Synogue, not inside, only outside {unreadable}.

Tuesday Nov 29, 1988

9:05
     St Maarten. Between Sentry Hill and CaleBay Hill. Unless there is an easier way, I will not be able to top Sentry Hill. And it would have been such a great triumpet, Rock Cliff and all.
     I forgot to pack some drink so now I am dehydrating, but what is there to do? Maybe I should have done a tour thing.
10:15
     Marigatt. Walked down the other side of the hill. A mile along the rode, then I stopped and got a bus ride. Stood beside the roade, pack on the ground, and waited. Just like the real packers to. I'm getting hot (burned) should I do any more walking or ride the busses? There's a Pridace Peak 1500 feet I really dont think I can climb St. Nat and it in the noon day sun. {{ Margin note: Was that my table companions who rode by in a jeep? }}
11:10
     Grand Case. Anothe bus ride. This is one of those END of the LINE PLACES. Small with airport though. The French men are out and sailing. There's a "Big Rock" small island in the bay. Maybe I'll eat the local ribs and rice dish. It's a small personal resort area. There's also another island off to northwest I think. What the deal in there's little shad and I'm down on the steps off the pier.
1:43
     Cruise Ship. At Phillipsburg, outside the BurgerKing, There were these two big backpacks. Guess who belong to them, two Swedish ladies, traveling ladies. They have been out for two months with no end to the trip in sight. Been to St Thomas, going back to find work, low on the money. Of course they've traveld Europe, even so, it's more than I've done. Take note! It's like I've always said too, it takes two to travel. They Fly! Well my mind just isnt clicking.
     On the way back from Grand Case, by the way I didnt eat there, is that why I ate at BK? I had the typical small buss experience. Three or four lady, native shoppers with twice as many bags and packages, food and stuff. There's more too. Some senior lady cruisers got on the bus at the next stop, or did they catch up while others were loading? Full house right? Wrong, two more for the front sete. So, over the mountain, the poor little bus rode.
     There's one more thing for todays adventure. While over in Grand Case, while sitting at the pier, this native dude wheeled up on his bicycle and sat on the steps behind me. Asked if I worked on the air baase, I think. He didnt stay long and he mumbled more than i. Of course, I guess, it is my schizoid paranoid, but anyway, my sense of the encounter was that he was looking for a drug connection, or was it I who looked like the pusher. == Still dont know if I'm the sender or the receiver. == After that is when I went in search of food, but one cook said, "not open yet sir" and the others were crowded. So I left. The magic had gone from that place.
     Never did make it to the top of the hill (Sentry Hill) and didnt go to the top of Paridice Peak either. Waht does that mean? Go with the Flow! Not with the plan. Change the plan according to the feel of the Flow.
     Now what do you think of that!
     Oh yes, the hearing of other languages is Great!
8:00
     Up Front. The cabin steward, the young kid, he made my bed diff and he took my black U shirt and folded it up on the bed. Is my doing to me again or what?
8:40
     OutBack. The lighe is better here, the wind is not blocked (windy) and the island lights are clearer (not looking through glass). Few people are out now, some are eating but where are the early dinners at the show of course. It will be after nine before they come out.
     What about the cabin steward, do they assign gay boys to the single men. Why would I be reading stuff into him moving and folding my clothes. so what, ignore it and it will go away, just like the black hooker.
     Meanwhile, at the other dinning tables, the middle group is still all young ladies. The far group, though, is looked more like my age. There is another man there now, and a couple of the ladies are older now. Could be the evening dress. Anyway, the obnoxiou one still talks - making talk about wine and women. Wonder how the ladies feel?
     What an interesting event, wrote the last line and it starts to rain (crying) but the island lights still shine bright. And what's this? Moved onto the pool deck, under the overhang, at a table. Now this is more like writing. The deck is clear and I'm alone, where "they" crowd together.
     Back out on the porch, wind really blowing, no longer any rain drops. The island lights called be back out. It's a long island too, or is it two, street lights (on an island) with a beacon light too. This is really grand. Just look at the sight, bluish mercury vapor lamps, the orangish yellow, what gas are they, and the white lights. Oh WOW! A super thought - firelight from long ago, campfires, village fires, [ but what of fireplace fires, cant see them ] candle power beacon lights - YES, YES, look back in time - see with the mind's eye how it use to be. The view is a thin string of light, stretched straight and turned up a bit at the ends, the other is dots and dashes of lights, - through the country side no doubt.
     The island is passing by - let it fade into the night.
9:10
     Back on the pool deck. The Italian officers are doing their talkig over there. the new couples are strolling the decks. There's not as much magic happening now. Does it only happen when I'm alone? Is that the catalyst potion to make the magic work. [[ bits of americnism in their Italian talk ]] Yes the yuong new coupes, still dressed up from dinner. There's even a few with real tuxedos and gowns. Such a wanderous [[ bit of cussing, is their no clean talk left in the world. ]] It's time to go now.

Wednesday Nov 30, 1988

7:30
     Between Guadulupe and Dominica. There will not be any mountain to climb today, at sea all day. The ship does go slow - the milage on the chart indicates so, overnight to do an eighty mile trip. leisure cruise indeed.
     It was great to watch the island lights, How's the view this mornig, just great for the early morning dawn. Had early - the other table, the one with the three guys, is def my age group. Breakfast alone again. -- coffee and crstean before the main breakfast. Out on the patio and the porch. One of the crew came out too, talk a bit - stillhave trouble understanding and being understood. Listen to my radio too, French station from some where. Now, here I sit, inside looking outside, with my canvas pack, books and toys. Hoping to attract some ladies attention, one my age and with my interests.
1:10
     Off the Island of Martinque. There's this mountain wih its peak in the clouds - more correctly there's this cloud around the mountain head. That's where my head is, in the clouds. Wishing I was over there, on the island, on top of that mountain. So close to be where I would want to be, But still not quite there. To be able to stay in one place, long enough to commune with it's nature. Here I am soundlike a broken record. Maybe I should bo back to the free verse prose.
     Why does taht cloud just hang there, at the mountain's peak? Shouldnt it blow away? Does the mountain make the cloud? Wind pushing moisture up its face, till it condenses out as cloud?
8:45
     Rounding southeast St Lucia. Sitting (hidding) not on a hilltop or a mountain peak, instead in one of the lounges. Basically all I've done this evening is watch the last of island lights. Maybe there'll be more on the way back, it's doubtful though. Just to be on the cautionous side (you know me) I watched anyway. This lounge scene doesnt feel rigth, the magic of the oustide cant make it through to the inside.
     "Dont think about it! Do a little of this, do a little of that, move it all around, just do it!"

Thursday Dec 1, 1988

12:00
     Barbados Beach, somewhere. It's been a long hard walk, there's no sidewalks on the roads between towns, There's little room to walk at all. Try getting on a bus, but she wouldnt take the american dollar. I got confused about what ws happenign so I got off. Walk a little further to a supermarket, looking for something to drink, but chickened out at the door for fear of something else going wrong there. There's a park across the road so I go there to sit and feel bad about the situation. After a few minutes rest, it is decided to press on a little further. Smart move too - found the shackof a brevage shop, get a bottle pepsi and tell the lady about the bus. Must have been the bus lady could not give change for US dollar. The shop lady said hang on to the change and I got some more too.
     Also on the walk out, there's this one place where the road cuts through a hill. I was wallking along the grass at the top and I knew the road was getting deeper. What a break to find a break in the wall, I climb down through it, perched myself at the edge and wait for traffic to clear. It's jump and run time folks.
     The two old fashion Pirate Ships headed this way must be the "KonTiki Party". {{MarginNote: PostScriptum, Remember the narrow path between the buildings to get tothe beach.}}
     Where I'm at now is in front of a hotel resturant. There's another one next door. It's difficult to know abut private property, everything is so crowded here.
3:10
     Somewhere near HoleTown. I hop, My feet a giving out, especially my left tendon, the shoe is rubbing against it.
     Another roadside snack shack, just past the country club area, the one with all the rich houses beside the road. By the way it is widening up and there're streches of sidewalk even. Walked across the golfcart bridge, it was over an interesting ravien. Small, but interesting. The vines hanging from the trees ws the thing. === Some of the young men are walking by on the way to the beach, their trunks, pulled up tight === Not sure whichway to go noe, it's 3:20 local time and the ship leaves at 11:00, how much more walking do I do, when can I start riding the bus, to where?
     There's white people dining here now, are they on holiday too -- from where? other parts of the island, other islands and England maybe. Where do Barbadians go for holidays. I ask the snack and drink lady, how many kilometers to HoleTown-- they dont us kilometers, it's miles here.
4:20
     Kentucky Fried Chicken, Bridgetown Barbados. American Business Everywhere. Had five dollar, Barbados, so I got a large coke. Just enough to get me past suppertime. I'll eat something at the Bar and Grill I hop - maybe I'll eat nothing tonight. It hasnt been such a good day. The bus ride just isnt the same. The British have left their "order" on theings, it was all black too, now I know how it feels to be the one of a kind in a crowd, away from home, not knowing how to get around. There's always that incomprehensable talk - native English - are they talkinga bout the white boy american tourist? I never know.
     where do the white tourist come from, England of course, a British couple on FortNight holiday joined me at the table - back at the snack shack.
     The young black native boys wear ear rings too. Youth is universal isnt it? Oh wow, flash back to Pickens -- will their be any response fromthe universites?
Later
     After SunSet, on the rocks by the bay. The sun rays stills streaming, radial from the horizon. It's a park type area between the port and the city. I stopped here on the way in -- no just walked through. The best endign to Barbados will be there - just sit for a while then go on back to the boat. Never made it to the other side, but such is exploring on your own. Whoa! did you see the size of that rat and the mosquitoes are here too.

Friday Dec 2, 1988

9:50
     Martinque, Fort de Franc. Harbor. This is the last island - it's france, should have study the French more. I'm in the city and there is no forseeable futher in the countryside. After yesterday I am burnt out with the walking and the bus rides. Just prefer to sit in the park and write. So whatelse is there to do except stay in one place. I'll never be able to travel alone - remember the kid at Myrtle Beach, the one who pissed over the boardwalk and laid out on the no sleeping benches. If I didnt know ther was a ship to go back to, I'll feel really bad. I'm confused over buying things too. There's this pouch I want to buy but how. Time out for a light shower, run for the nearest tree. I wonder, is that beach, ouver there next to the Port wall, for the poor and the homeless -- including the young street people - not necessarily the kids. Like there's this one due who went over there just as the shower start, stripped to his short and swam some, theres seems to be an open air changing area with a shower spicket. And there's a tent set up too with clothes hanging out. What is that place. Where did the car come from too. The suns out go now, it is time to go.
     All the benches have been chained, so Im out in the sun again. Decisions, I hate them. Do I buy the pouch or not - do I buy anything or just one thing? Me thinks the two black dudes by the Fort were making a drug deal. And there was the tall older lady, a native with a single flower. Could she have been a voodoo withc - she looked at me with the flower in hand - after I pass she seem to pray with the flower. Now tell me people, what does that mean?
     Now there's company to tend with, a white dude with a shopping bag - is he local, tourist, or vacation from France, like the English at Barbados. If the sun will stay behind the clouds it'll be all right here, but no, here comes the sun again. Now he's writting too, I've seen others sit on the bench and write on tablets. Letter to his woman back home or what? This is getting boring.
2:15
     On the Road Again. By car though. At the Botanical Gardens, looking at the mountains such Beautiful Tropical Mountains. Wish I could pack supplies and get loast on the mountain tops. They are steep, majestic in the tropical sense, just as majestic as the Alps or Himalayas. The main thing is to be out in the country.

Saturday Dec 3, 1988

2:05
     Crusing away. Away from the nice islands, away, away out to sea, fading fading away. This morning it's all I did - watch the islands fadiing away into the past. Soon - no already! There's only the memories left. Really only one bad experience - the taxi driver didnt completely go around the route I wanted, still cost me fifty too. Maybe - for sure - I must become more forceful. It's what I thought of when I woke up in the middle of the night. Must put the bad experience away - dont let it spoil the rest. == What else is there to expect from the local theives?
     After dinner last night I wandered around the ship jsut once. Went back to the cabin, and went to bed. I'm out of place when most everyone else is dressed up and drinking. That's the one thing about this cruising, if you dont drink, gamble, or play games, there's not much else to do. It's difficult to be the only one, sitting in a crowded lounge, not drinking or talking with anyone eles. {{ Margin note: Especially when the party is orginized, a formal cocktail or other such stuff. }} writing in a journal. Who else on a cruise like this would want to talk astrophysics, philosophy, politics, ethics, or any other heavy topic -- intense talk like intense prose.
     Where's the reflections upon this trip? Why dont the words flow? Like they use to, so long ago.
3:45
     Back of the Ship. It is not chance that the course has been such as it has, staying close to the islands, passing them at the right time of day. Like now, there's this last island, straight aft, the voyage's "setting sun" in the East, the lst moments of the visions. Yes it's not chance - it's been planned this way. It seems there's one other loner who has noted the view - does he commune withthe Zen of being? What personal adventures has he had, with whom? Why should I think I'm the only one, cause he has the looks and physique to use, if he so chooses. It's not by chance, least not all things are.
     Soon there will be [nothing] only water all around. I cant remember a time that there was not land in sight, even at night the island lights lite the sky over the horizon. But soon, the last island will fade over the edge of the world.
     "For all that's left are memories in each other's minds."

Sunday Dec 4, 1988

5:10
     Part Deck (Lide Bar and Grill). There's no need to be so damn romantic, it's just a cruise. That last deal about the last island ws too much. We are off San Juan now - and it looks like the same island as last night. I just cant help but think, we've been taken for a ride. {{ We're in the harbor already. }}
     Piss and nightmare, nightmare and piss all last night that's what I did. Alex ws in it, he ws lots of trouble, other Asians were there too.
     Well, we're here again, hour and half ahead of schedule, so what did I tell you, we've been riding in circles.
     Bye.
7:00
     B and G. Out of the cabin now, so it's sit and wait. Mostly wondering how the Customs thing will go down. In Barbados, I saw the Customs Department, no crowd there so I decided it's not required unless you had luggage. Walked out to the geat, the guard asks for customs pass. "Was I to go through custom back there?" "What is the contents of the pack?" "Just clothes, and things, would you like to check it?" Searched at the gate. "Do you nee to see my passport?" No answer.
     So how's it going to go down here? Sit and wait, wait and sit. Just like all traveler's do at times. "Putting in the time" as Huck Finn would say.
     What's next? Fly to Brazil, do a road trip, waste the Last week of vacationdoing nothing? Another majore decision and I'm no better than three months ago at making them.
     Hindsight of the trip --- there's little emotion left, was there ever any? I've noted before how I feel emotionall dead --- nothing excites me anymore. The mind doctor would say thought is emotion, so that emplies my thoughts are dead too. Right?
12:15
     In the Air Again. Flying Back North.
     Finding one of the bags was more of a problem than the custom thing. Like one of the tags got torn off and I found the no-tag section after looking through all the other sections, I was sure I had lost my first piece of luggage. What a relief to finally find it. So I got my stuff together, found a custom man, gave him the card. He looked it over, said, "$17.50, correct" I replied yes and that was it. Almost too easy. Maybe they had already used the dog thing, maybe not.
     The plane is full --- really full --- sitting next to the attendant station in the rear, only three rows from the back -- next to the motors too. So it's going to be a long noisy Flight. Several months ago, maybe the last flying I did, I took my ear plugs. But this time, withthe rush to get going, I forgot. Now I really need them. Such is my fortune. Not to get everything just right.
     So what -- another four hours and it will be as if I never left, back in the bad news family. I'll bet the farm, something really terrible will (has) happen (ed). It's been too good this past week, like being alive and living a life of my own. Why couldnt it be like that all the time? What would happen if I made, real, real, real effort to not let anything spoil my life ever again? for even a split second? Start pushing back, like I should have with the taxi driver.
     Still dont know what's goin on with the sleeping and dreaming. Remember the time at M. B. laying on the bed, frozen (paralized), yet barly a sleep / wake, aware of where I'm at, yet cant move. It happen again, Wednesday night. I knwo the paralysis is from part of the dream state, but what is causig it? The sleeping, dreaming, waking and pissing last night ws strange too. Also was in some kind of trouble, and they were other Asians in it too. So it really strange to be awake yet cant move. no matter how hard you try. So why should I try to fiure it out. -- Because Im scared the evilone is out ot control my life, make me crazy. Because I dont know who is on what side. There is something else too, this sense of being special cause I've never screwed a woman before. I dont like old women either.
     Would you look at what I'm doing -- writing the same old song. I should be writing about the Cruise. Reflect on it, let it make me happy again. Exercise the memories make them strong and powerful so that they can defeat the bad beasties of the mind.

     Picture the harbor of St Thomas, your first walk on Virgin Islands, your first talk with a native, the walk on city streets - nareow, hilly city streets, the climb up steps and steep roads, the first view fromthe pass in the ridge. The vista of Islands, trees, and beaches, the open aire cafe (how long had it been since I ate in one of them), the sitting on rocks, watching the sailing boats, the first hinits of struggling artist, native insults for the white tourists, the churches and the synagues (hundreds of years old). IS'NT THE FIRST TIME GRAND!
     St Marten is next, there's a taxis ride to town, more walking of city streets, indecisions about which path to chose, a view of a cliff top so that's the goal, stop at a drive in for a map, it's off up the dirt road I go, there is no path up this ridge, the thicket is thick and thorny, partial defeat, rest and choose a new goal, that country road there, it gets boring this road walking, take the next bus, stand besdie the road with back at my feet wait for the next bus, to Mariget it goes, another tourist harbor town, resturants and

     Break in the story for important message: First American radio station coming in now!

     shoppes, open air market, more sailing boats, even here there is street repair and more street walking, a purchase of a coke than on the bus again, Grand Case a one street town, sitting on the pier, visit from a native (drug dealer?), road side kitchens and resturant shack by the beach, not much but it's the feel of the place what's worth the trip, there's two bus rides back, back through Mariget, the other ride is romantically expected, full of native shoppers with their baggage and tourist shoppers too, over hill and dell back to the starting point. The main shop district with piers (pickup cans), get a burger, sit with Swedish Ladies on a two month holiday headed back to St Thomas for work and money -- the only way to travel-- another cruise ship, ferry, it sprinkles a little back on the bus to the boat.
     A day at sea, wandering the ship, talking with another or two, mostly sitting, watching, writing about the mountain islands which we pass, such wonderful sites to see mountains and seas so intertwined, clouds hanging on mountain tops, rain forest slopes, such grand vista.
     Barbados is almost a bust, first there was walking through custom gates, pack check, and street walking, by an old church and out of town by the first beach before the long road, bad choice of path to walk, a long eight mile road walk with no sidewalks, dodging cars around blind curves, through walled passes, an attempt at a bus ride but it's different confusion over change and currency, stop at snack shack, talk with the lady, get a pepsi and change (Barbados change), walk more to get by the water, watch private party boats go by, a native trinket dealer, take note of the beaches here, trees and rocks and sands, sit at another snack shack, watch the Brit Holidayers, then it's a crowded stand up bus ride, followed by a sitdown crowded bus ride on to Seght'town, back through HoleTown to Bridgetown, back in the city it's a bus wreck traffic block, walk the city streets, stop at KFC, a counting of change and what will it buy, a drink, a night walk back through the streets to the harbor, to sit on rocks, and watch twilight pass, then back to the boat.
     Martinque, a shared cab to town, to sit along the harbor walk, in the park, and walking around in circles throught he park, noting the black natives hanging out, the man who using an open air changing, swimming in the rain, the odd elder lady with a flower praying (eyeing my moves, near the poor persons camp, next to the fort walls), looking through the spy glas at the topless lady on the sailboat, one of two couples; thinking how free the French fancy themselves, watching an arrest, (is it a drug bust; remember the two duds next to the fort), sitting on the grass doing the meditating and praying thing. Back to the water then back to the boat. Smoking on the waterfront and in the park, smoking on the boat, go eat a burger and hotdog at the Lido Bar and Grill, decide to risk a taxi ride in the country, pack back up, taxis driver hassle, ride through the residential area, to St Joesph church, watch a 747 landing approach, step insdie the church pray for peace, note the nun's house, ride more into the country to the Botanical Gardens, great view of two of the moutnains, commune with them, visit the garden house, get change for the drink machine, note the old pictures hangin on the wall, pictures of the garden visitors from long ago, ride back downt to town knowing it is not what I wanted, he didnt take me around the road I wanted, hassle at the boat but let him be that way, it his soul he rips off with his cheating ways.
     Another day at sea, wandering and watching the islands and other new things.
4:35
     On the Last Hop Home. Made an entry a week ago on the beginning so might as well make one on the ending. Took a walk between flights just to get from one place to another. Had to change concourses C to B, by the time I got to where I should be - it was time to board. The computer gave 23A out twice again, so I moved to the back to wait till a seat opened up. Anyway, when this pland lands, the holiday will be over. It will become obvious soon enogh how soon the old work routine sets in.
     I'm right proud of all the writing I did on the flight from San Juan to Atlanta, named most of the important events, sure there are others but I cant write as fast as I think.
     We've done the up, so now we're on the down.

Monday Dec 5, 1988

7:55
     Pizza Inn Pickens. I've been looking at the island maps, and the post card pictures, trying hard to stretch out the afterglow. All I want to do is remember. Is that another way of saying, "Dont want to come back"?

Wednesday Dec 7, 1988

7:30
     Carolina Creme. Best if I hit all the usual places after the cruise. That's what I'm suppose to do, you know, sit at my best friends place and think about the places I've been. This is the city light, street kids place - so think of the streets of Barbados, St Thomas, Martinque.
     Think about writing Marli too - you said you would while on the cruise - and this week is half gone nwo - still no letter to Marli. She has written three or four to you. She's goe me confused again too - thought she wanted to stay with her family in Brazil, now she writes about coming here and me being her special friend.

Saturday Dec 17, 1988

4:05
     Just here is all. ....

Saturday Dec 17, 1988

7:25
     Pizza Inn. Still working hard to keep the AFTERGLOW burning, but it's practically hopeless now. From Tuesday through Monday after ther trip - my vacation was all worn out. Jack at work dumped on me, mom dumped on me, it was just like always, Jerry's been out on a good time so everybody make it bad for him when he gets back. One of these days, and soon, they are going to push too harda nd far, and Jerry's going really die.
     This afternoon, I drove around south of Easley, up 135 and back 186 to 8. Then I went home, after getting gas, typed more on the cruise entries, watched news, bathed and came here. So this is my Saturday night out, just like all the other Saturday nights, over all the past years. I'm so far gone, I can not socialize with anyone. Still no one ever invites me out either. You're such a looser.

Monday Dec 19, 1988

1:45
     Whiteside Mtn, on TOP AGAIN. This is my visit with my other Best Friend, just to share "the Cruise" with him. It is not as cold as I thought it woudl be, almost warm while the sunshines. Anyway, I've got the whole mountain for myself. There was this blond hair backpacker just outside Cashiers. Wonder what it is taht make them get out on the road this time of year? Maybe he's headed South to Flordia and the Keys for the Winter. Like they use to do a long time ago. Even thogh it is warm now, bet it gets below freezing at night - I know it does - so where does he stay then?
     Cruise - Cruise -Cruise, West Indies, Caribbean, just sit and think about where I've (you've) been. Maybe it will help you feel better. Island Lights

Monday Dec 19, 1988

3:00
     Whiteside Mtn, still here. Been laying around bundled up in my blanket and american arabian turban, trying to dream of being bak in the West Indies, thinkig of where I've been, wondering about the blond hair kid. The wind is picking up, it's cooling (chilling) down. But mostly, I just wanted to note that the moon is up now, it roas way to the left instead of to the front.
     It's time to go now. No One will se me here, No One will stop to talk with me.

Monday Dec 19, 1988

8:40
     Laurens Rd, Pete's "McDs". Been to Circuit City, Book Warehouse and rode up Heywood to the mall and to McGruffys and back here. What use to be a Pete's type drive in name is more like a McDs now.
     Mostly just wanted to sit and look at Heywood Road light. (Pause) and relate it to where I ws earlier and where I've been three weeks ago.
     It's getting late and it's time to go and I dont know about the tree or no.

Wednesday Dec 21, 1988

12:15
     Whitewater Falls. It's change of season time. The shortest day of the year. The sun starts it's nortward journey again. The rebirth of another year. Where else would I spend such a day, except here, alone with my Best Friend.
     Still trying to remember my cruise and share it with my friend. == Marli called me at home before I left, what will become of us? ==

Sunday Dec 25, 1988

3:50
     Whiteside, Top. Cause there's no where else to be that's why. Cause I had rather be here alone, than with anyone else and still be alone. It's Christmas Day and it's been ten, no eleven lonely sad Christmases since Dad died. I had rather sit up here and dream of how it (my life), could have been than be reminded of how miserable it has been. I want to be alone - ....
     So here I'll sit for a while longer, Zen Out on just being, remember a bit about the cruise, think a lot about Marli.

Wednesday Dec 28, 1988

7:20
     Pizza Inn, Pickens. Before I left Whiteside, Sunday, I talked and walked with a young dude. He pulled into the parking lot while I was getting ready to walk. Exchanged greetings about how was your Christmas and such. He asked me to check his truck door to make sure it was locked. It was. he went on up to take pictures. He's from up above Cashiers toward Western Carolina, he has his degree in Zoology, he lives in Raliegh, he works in Marketing. I wondered if we would meet again up on top. I walked up the steep side, paused at the westside campsite to think about checking out that end of the front cliff, I didnt. Should have though cause he was down there - "taking pictures and stuff." Went on to the top to sit and wait, maybe he came up the long way, maybe he's already gone on. So I sit and wait. Finally he does show up, we greet again and talk a bit more, then he moves on "pull up a rock and sit a while" "Maybe later". So I pack up and leave too, follow the kid, catch up wtih him, walk and talk with him, tell about the fire plane, the moonrise, etal. Across the top of the mountain we walked and talked. At the east end, pause for a picture from the platform, then across the open area. Just to make conversatin I ask, "does the trail go down to Devils Courthouse?" He doesnt know, but off down the trail he goes. I'm at the top, thinking, does he want me to follow or not? "Take it easy." He looks back up and waves and says some farewell. I walk back down the old road, slowly, stopping, wondering, will he catch up with me? No he didnt. At the parking lot I check out his truck, he ahs a red ribbon tied on the grill, (I see more lit it in Cashiers, did he get it from the fence?). I touch his truck and look inside. His and mine are the only ones there, {{Strange: hear voices back up on the mountain, who are they and where's their car?}} Anyway, was he gay? Should have I made any advances? Was he like me, not sure how to read the signs? I had thought, on the ride up, about "loners" getting together. Is there a connection with that, no one ever talks with me like he did. Monday night I could not get to sleep, too much coffee and other things. So I start thinking about him, taking his clothes off, touching his body, jerking him off, sucking his dick, fucking his chest, and other such "stuff".
     Monday I go back to Whiteside, sit on top, Write "my gift" to Marli. I leave to walk back across the top to where he went down the trail. But there's this lady. She has two little kids with her. She asks about another group and how far and all. I tell her about the ice. I want to help, I want to go across the top. I do. I hurry across the topa nd down the trail apiece. I piss. Then hurry back up and across to catch up with them just after they enter the woods. So I walk with her and carry one of the kids. An elder couple joins us at the ice. I help them down over the ice and carry the kid for a while longer. Then the elder gentleman carried him. We all walked down the steep side back to the parking lot.
     So that's all. Once a year someone will stop to talk with me, while I visit with my best friends.
     Tonight on the news, they reported that they have decided it was a bomb waht caused the plane to fall out of the sky. Terrorist acts. Mindless, souless people who kill for the pleasure of killing. Will the nations unit this time, make a solid stand together, to declare "No matter what effort it takes, no matter how long it takes, no matter the reason for the act, no matter the remostest connection of you support or contribution, we will find you, you will suffer oru wrath, your terrorist acts have no sanction under any law or national soverginty, and while we search for you we will find your friends and others who think like you and they will suffer our wrath for they have become potential threat which can no longer be tolerated. There's no place on this world for you to hide, there is not santuary for evil such as yuo, you will be found, you will suffer our wrath, for our justice will be swift, sure and final."
     Nice thought, but there's not a nation in the world (maybe one) with the courage to make such a stand.

Friday Dec 30, 1988

7:45
     SubWay Easley. Today I stayed home and I studied Calculus. I understand the principles and logie (not necessarly the books explaination) but I still cand do the problems. I still cant make the connection between words and what "they" want done. It is like it has always been, I understand the explainations but cant remember the equations or whent ot apply them. How am I to think and write while the pen messes up?
     Anyway, tonight, tomorrow, and tomorrow night is all that is left in this year. It's been another bad year so good ridance. These 'twixt and 'tween days have not been like they use to be. "No belonging to either year" feeling is not. What has happened to me this year. Nothing seems the same anymore.
     Guess I'll get a donut and coffee then go back home. What else is there to do alone?

Friday Dec 30, 1988

8:20
     Carolina Creme. I'm here, like I said I would be. Wonder what the street kids are doing this New Years?

Saturday Dec 31, 1988

2:40
     Huddle Resturant. It's been a bummer of a day so far. Breakfast, wash clothes, haircut and trim, and solo sex. Should have been studing all day. Instead I mess up my mood for the next few hours. If I had gone to Athens, it hasnt rained, everything would have been much better. It's just that I want to go somewhere elese tonight, like last year, even if it is just to Easley. Yeah, since it did not rain, I should have gone to Athens. I read some of the earlier journal entries - only three years ago, seems like a hundred - courthouse steps and Whitewatere and Days Inn. The other thing is that those earlier entries could be yesterday's - same topic, same phases, lonely, woeful me.
     Think, Maybe, I should write about world events instead. Give that a try for a while, To see what happens. Go with a New Plan, to see how Far it Goes.

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© jwhughes 1997