May 10, 1989
5:30
Pizza Inn. Pickens. Another long day at work and nothing really accomplished. More young dudes sitting in the coner booth. Friends, no doubt, sharing a pizza, and compang. Youth is wasted on the young -- mostly. Those who know how to live while yound dont waste thier precious youth. I have though. In case you dont notice I'm down again. The weeks just slip by - I make no effort to accomplis any thig. What's the use? No one to share my days with. Marli must be mad at me by now, for not writing. --- Me thinks I deeply, truly, want to make my life miserable. ---- It has been so far, why not the remainder! God, I hate to have no one to talk with!
Why go anywhere either? Plans to go to England flopped. Plnas to go to LA flopped. I dont want to spend another lonely trip anywhere. So why go anywhere? Just stay here and waste my life away.
I dont even write anymore. Read ThoughtSmithing again -- I just dont feel like writing. No -- I do feel like writing -- I like the thought of writing but I dont. The words just dont go together like they use to.
Saturday May 13, 1989
1:35
The Bench, Clemson. There's a hundred and six more credits to do, it I do a 'B' in all of them, I'll get a 'C' for GPR. If I do a 'C' in all, I'll get a 'D'. That means I'll not finish if I get less that a 'B' in half the credits. It's hopeless, isnt it? It's because of all the 'F's and incompletes from twenty year ago. The first 'D' I get, I'll quit. What will I do?
Two days off from work and I end up not going anywhere or doing anything. Went out to eat breakfast then go back home and doze mre. What a waste. There's just no enthausism to do anything or go anywhere. "I wish I were dead so it wouldnt hurt any more."
Young and healthy, they run and chase "the frezbie".
Saturday May 13, 1989
3:30
Where I sat when 'the WALL' was here, Drove Woodlawn Way, where one of the "old rich" peoples' houses are. College education and wealth, that's what greenville is. Houses beside the city park, that's what they are too.
I wonder, every time I think of my writigs, will anyone even know I wrote them. Like this 'the WALL' and memorial day. What if it makes the national news, would someone else, or me, get credit for those words?
Saturday May 13, 1989
4:50
Pizza Inn, Easley. This place is deserted, I'm here too early too. Kind of hoping their would be a crowd here, But for the two mothers and their brood, there would be no one else here but me and the workers. Looked at the "Greed Factor" G P but just cant think of what to write. The main point ws easily made it's the expanding out of the details that's not going to happen.
Monday May 15, 1989
12:20
WhiteSide. There's this phone number on the rail 1-407-273-.... FL, I've seen other numbers. I was wondering if I should call? I'll leave TS #29 here today.
Monday May 15, 1989
7:15
McDs Pickens. Left TS #30 at Whitewater. That make five on the loose. Will there ever be any feedback from them? Should I really care?
Four wasted days. Havent accomplished a thing.
Friday May 19, 1989
6:25
Pizza Inn Pickens. Thought about Shoney's, but this will have to do. I'll eat lazana instead.
It's been building up for two or three weks, this student happening in Beijng. One of the Champions, an elder statesman withing teh communist party had died. His wake has turned into "youth's rebellion". The Peoples' Square, a hundred acares, full of people every day, for a week. A million people. The workers, academia, professonals, peasant, etal have joined the movement. It's a really big event.
Some of the students are on hunger strike. It's .... Well, it's all quite remarkable. But where will it end? How will it end? The "modern chairman", he was making progress, slowly, but that was to be expected, after Chairman Mao. These kids, though, like all kids, got impatient, demanded more, now! I fear it will be their undoing. The status quo power will return, it must, I guess. Chia is huge, really huge. So much momentum {inertia} can not change direction as rapidly as the kids want. Really dont understand why they dont understand that.
Friday May 26, 1989
5:00
No work today, class this morning though. Oh yes, that's right, havent wrot since summer session started. It's physic this time. Got a messed up professor maybe. The first few days were terrible, vectors and he's offered no explaination of them. Maybe he dont know vectors either. Yesterday, the young student in front of me asked a question, the instructor started his rambbling and the kid got so frustrated he "actuall did" like he wanted to strangle the man. Such desire to learn in a student and the professor doesnt teach. I've been really upset too. I've thought of changing sections, courses, anything to get away form him. I've thought of sueing the university, registering an offical complaint. But in the end --- what's the use, he's been there twenty plus year.
But today was better, least it appears to be beter. I also thoght about offering the other kids my help, sucha s it would be. Really wanted to annouce to the class my offer. But I chickend out. Even after class I was going to because I heard some of the boys talking about getting together at the library, even hung around a moment. But I cowarded away. It's just not in me to make contact with others.
In front of the library, the local Chinese students were protesting. WSPA drove upwith their satellite truck. I didnt watch anyway. Drove home and spent the afternoon doing physics problems.
The hot weather has arrived to stay.
Read 'Talk to me Wall' again, for this Memorial Day weekend. It still kindles a warm flame within my writing spirit. It's be best I ever wrote! I'm even proud of it.
Time to go now.
Monday May 29, 1989
4:55
Caolina Creme. Not msut to report. Wnet to school this morning, spent the early afternoon at the library working Physics. Did stop and talk witht ehheated teacher. Then I went home.
Decided to drive to Easley to find Scott a pocket watch. Got a really nice gold "Calibri' and chain. Dad and Mom got me one so thought I would get him one too.
Friday Jun 2, 1989
5:40
Mazzios Pizza. It's been a long time since I ate here. But I let it be know that I would be at the library to help any who show up. So that's why I'm here. Since then (that was Thursday or Wednesday) me thinks that I have under estimated the other kids. On the test Wednesday got the results today, four A,B, and Cs, two Fs, mostly Ds I guess. So maybe, like I always do, I make an ass of myself. I had to many thoughts (visions of grandeaur) of being a help to someone else. So anyway, come seven oclock tonight and Saturday afternoon and Sunday afternoon, I'll learn if anyone show. TAKE NOTE! I'm trying to help will it turn into nothing again?! "I try to help but it only hurts."
Things still happen, to make me feel like my life is being controlled. Like the other evening I gave Scott his graduation watch --- oh dear, I havent written about that yet. ---
Showed Mom the watch Tuesday evening, my regular day to see her, so late Wednesday afternoon, I call to Scotts to see if he's home, no - he just left to go to Mom's. So instead of giving it to Scott at his house, it's mom's house. Said she had to call him over, cause she messed up her knitting. So anyway, give Scott his "DONT PANIC" book and watch "Bogusly Awesome". Talk a bit about the book, then I go home. ----
So, there's this scorpian in the tub, like what else. Every time something happens nice to make me happy, there's this bad thing waiting.
Monday Jun 5, 1989
6:10
BurgerKing, Wade Hampton Grn'vle. There ws this storm about five oclock. torrential rain, powerfull winds, dark and all. Like I wanted to go to see Indiana Jones tonight, but it becomes stormy. So what am I to do? Decided to go ahead, get wet, go home, change, then go to the movies in Grn'vle. Outside of Liberty, on the hill near the airport, there's this tree down. So I go back to Liberty will he plan to go toward Easly and turn at the Quarry, I thought that road went by the landfill and on to Pickens. No. It takes me back to where the tree is across the road. So I go back out Quarry road and turn left onto the first little road there is, to get around the downed tree. Dead end. So now I decide to go on to Ealsy, go on to Greenville. On the way, I watch for signs of power outages. I knew with my luck, the two places I wanted to go, Camelot and Pete's Kitchen, would be without poere. Yes, I was right. So now I drive up Heywood, Pehlem (there's a tree on the lines) 291 and so here I sit, waiting for seventhirty for the movie to start at Bijou. The Final Question tonight is: Will there be power outage while watching the movie (it's still dark in the West) or is the movie behind schedule? You know my luck!
Friday Jun 9, 1989
8:10
McDs. Pickens. This afternoon about 5:00EDT, a Dave from Dept of Criminal Justice called me, I was still at work. he ended up getting my letter I wrote about the Smith case. We talked for twenty minutes or so. That was really nice, a really intellignet conversation, not a phony, political, legal policy talk. But maybe that's because he agrees with what I said, mostly in principle, but he had his "but"s too.
Saturday Jun 10, 1989
2:40
WhiteWater. There's this nice looking college couple up here. He's studing one of his books. Youth makes all couples nice looking. On the walk up here, I saw young men with their kids, I thought the thought of never having that experience, being yuong with younger ones of my own. [pause] It's hollywood images and madison avenue too, these handsome youth people, and we below average good looking oldsters. Like if it were not for them there, us oldsters would not feel so bad. And then there's the hope of a Winter Romance with Marli. But can that possible be? [pause]
Now there's tow more, plue a loner being part of the crowd. They are friendly with the first couple -- like youth attracts youth -- are they in school too? Do they come here ofter, they talk like they have been here before. Retrospective, like how old and where were they, when I frist started to come here in '83 or '84 or so? Maybe there were teen then, or younger teens if they are still teens now.
Isnt it great to think in space - time - continium.
What's it like to be twenty or seventeen and play with a girls body and have her play with yours?
Saturday Jun 10, 1989
7:00
Shoney's. Before I left WhiteWater, I watched seven airliners fly by, probably from GSP on the way to ATL. I talked with a dude from USC, wanted to know where Whiteside was. he does rock climbing with a group from USC, only been at it for ten months, done lots of hiking and packing though. He was a talker too, no one ever talk to me like that, (Oh yes, the couple who were there when I got there, he asked if the right side was easier) Walked up to the rapids and then go down into the over growth. Three boys followed me down but they left. I jacked off while there. Dont know why. So what. It had been a long time since I did anything like that, two Winters ago on Whiteside. So what.
Backto the planes, seeing the seven planes, one right after the other, started me thinking, like at any given time, how many planes and how many people are in the air at that instant? Tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands.
The state court man called yesterday, went to Clemson, went to Whitewater, ate out, go see the Star Trek movie, all in thirty hours. Like it usually takes me three weeks to have this kind of activity.
Saturday Jun 10, 1989
7:45
Caolina Creme. Like the four old chevys are here again, like the donut girl says every Saturday night they are here with their lawn chairs. Like she says they are reall cool people, "the older generaton" "they sit aout there and dont bother me" like our generation. Like there are some real gems of words out tonight.
Wednesday Jun 14, 1989
6:05
Carolina Creme Drive Inn. A second time, I'm here. Nov 23, '88 was when lst time. So why again, just here I guess. Went to Heywood Mall Walden books to get "Conceptual Blockbusting" which they ordered for me. Will give one to Shelly and the other to Scott, for their high school graduation. So why not stop here. [[Pause for supper]] I could look, but I wont, did I write about the big picture on the wall last time? Anyway, looks tobe early sixties, after '61 for sure cause there's a '61 chevy in it, '62-64 maybe. -- Oh yes, last time was the week before the cruise -- Anyway, I was here agian, will there be a third?
Friday Jun 15, 1989
5:35
Pizza Inn Pickens. Thought about going back to Clemson library, to see if any of the kid show up for help, espciall after the last test, and the current chapter. But they havent before, excpet Brain. So why would they now. Anyway there's tomorrow and Sunday and Brain said he would be there Sunday. We will see..
Today at work, the last thing at work, was to get compaq procomm and hpunix talking. Took some wire changes (probably unneccesary) but procomm captured the file hpunix sent.
Also at class today, the isntructor really embarrassed Brain. His teaching stinks, unprofessional, nonproductive. One of the other students, a girl, aske a question too. The instructor promised not to humilate her, her reply "I dont care if you embarrase and humilate me, I want to learn this physics stuff." Again, such enthusiaism to learn adn such a bad teacher.
The governors office replied, pass on to a Stan, typical politcal response, governor cant do pardons nor influence those who do. The board cant "reward" escapes, it's members do commendable work, etc, etc. No mention of a 'reformed life.'
Saturday Jun 17, 1989
5:45
Carolina Creme. Just a note. Went to Clemson to do Physics, no one else showed and that's all. Going to see "DreamTeam" tonight, and I noticed that "RoadHouse" starts at 9:20, maybe I'll watch it too. When was the last time I wateched a double feature?
Fresh meat, studs, between high school and college. What is that particular Summer like these years?
Showtime.
Friday Jun 23, 1989
6:10
Pizza Inn. Well I thought it was two weks since I was here, but only one. Physics is almost over, this last week has been a desister, the isntructor has broke me with bad grads. One of the courses I should have done dood in, and I get stuck with a bad professor. But such is my luck, of course. Anyway, I've quit studying. Like what's the use, I've always been a poor testing skills, my memorization skills are poor too, so why try?
Tonight, "BatMan" movies starts 9:45 too, but I'll drive on down to Easley, CC and watch it. Then tomorrow I'll go to Whitewater and Whiteside, leave "ThoughtSmithing" books and relax and ponder life.
Started a letter to Marli, time to go some where else now.
8:50
Moved from Pizza Inn Pickens to Carolina Creme Easley. It's Friday night, the old cars and 50's teens are here again, like every Friday. You want to know why they are here, at this place? I'm going to tell you anyway, it cause the late '80s tens are here. Why else? They still act and feel like teens, the 80s kids are all talkinga bout "BatMan". Sounds like it will be crowded, or sold out.
"HIS FUTURE'S SO BRIGHT, HE'S GOTTA WEAR SHADES."
Saturday Jun 24, 1989
12:00
I'm here now. Why did that lady sneak my picture just as I walked by the top? There's the two cuddly people, who were all intertwined at the lower, cliff hanger, overlook. Not so young, are they either. The picture taking lady and her companios are on top, so I'll have to wait my turn, till they leave, so I can leave my book.
---- Sitting under an umbrella, in a drizzly rain, on top of a mountain, a quasi state of camping. ----
Who are these people who sit so near, still sneaking pictures of the dude under the umbrella. Why dont they just move on down the mountain, leave me alone, I dont care if there's a lady (daughter) my age with them. Besides I'm suppose to be writing Marli. Write just a little. Guess if they wont leave, I will. I dont like the paranoid mood they are creating for me.
3:10
WhiteWater Falls, top. Been here about forty minutes. Here is lots of people over at the overlook, least cars parked is full. But hter is no one here at topside. Maybe they are up at the slide. This is the week before the fourth, so next weekend will be full too, maybe the week after too. Should be writting to Marli, There is no one here to talk with, never is.
Friday Jun 30, 1989
8:05
Carolina Creme. Here it is a week later, again, Trying, again, to see "BatMan" for the first time.
"DeadPoets Society" I saw that movie Wednesday night. It had Robin Williams in it. He played a "cool" teacher at a stuffy collar school. This movie is the best one I've seen in years, it didnt have any "effects' or chase story gimicks.
A movie with real acting, real story, it was great. Of course it was my kind of story about kids too, except the ending.
"Oh Captain, My Captain, our fearfull trip is done // The Ship has weathered every rack, the Prize we sought is Won."
Sunday Jul 16, 1989
2:05
WhiteWater Falls. "They've" been talking about it the last few days. It's been in the paper and life too. Like, twenty year ago, Apollo 11 left for the Moon; and come Thursday, it will have been twenty year since men walked the Moon. So that's what "they" are talking about thes days.
I've had the flu since I was here last -- over the July 4 days. It's been three year since I left "the Poem" in the crack of the ledge. And I think it's been only five years since I started coming here -- '84 Jan yes. Seems like an eternity. The forest people have been here too -- like they cut the fallent rees out of the river and they even picked up the cans from under the overhang. IT's been a long time since I picked up trash from here. Been a long time since I've been to the bottom too.
The last thing to note is that I have not sent Marli the letter. I still dont know what is best for her, me or us. I only know what I wish it would be like.
Been thinking, or I've been reminded, about how I should have been screwing women for the past twenty three years, since I was seventeen.
I dont know what it is, but there dont seem to be as many people come over here asthey use too. Only one couple so far today. There were lots of cars over at the car park, but few people over here. Maybe, no, the same is true for Saturday too.
Friday Jul 21, 1989
6:35
Pizza Inn. Pickens. Like it was another test college level test day. Every Friday. The teacher wasnt there, had his grad student give the test. I know I messed up the problem, again. I think I have dylexia, else my doubt about doing things right is causing me more problems. [Pause to eat] One of thses days, I'll learn that I cant eat as much as I use to. Just a token sandwich is all I need anymore.
Anyway, my writing is the same ole, same ole. Should go write Marli - about marriage - but I'm a broken man. My life, a life of my own, has never been part of my destiny. So there!
Saturday Jul 29, 1989
11:30
WhiteWater. I'm here again. Thought this week about going to Athens this weekend,but as usual, what's the use in going alone, I've done that trip before. So here I am, wasting away another weekend. I cant write Marli anymore either. No will to live.
Back to China, if I had wrote that the students demostration would succeed and the politiboro would yield to cry for freedom, then that would have been the results. But, instead, I wrote about return of repression and that's what happened. Use to be that thought I would always cause the bad thing to happen, guess it's still true, I wanted the students to win reform, instead my interest caused their failure. Thousands have died and dozen excuted and it all because I was happen that the yuoth of China were at "their '60s" stage. I would have thought that the elders of China, with their thousands year history would have welcomed the progress. But it is true that as long as there is a power structure the "bad" people will controll it.
The atolla of Iran has died too, get rid of one bad evil ruler and another (the China thing) immediately replaces it. --- oopss, there went my writing pen over the edge. Tried clipping the pages with it but it didnt stay, the wind did it, and by the time I realize it, it was halfway there, stood and thought about trying for it,but not it's too late. Bye Pen. ---
So it seems there's to be no progress toward a peace - coexistance evil free world. Take note of the way Russia is openig up and the US is closing down. There's more harm done by a corrupt free sciety than a repressive totaliterian one. Like the illusion of being free makes for being more blind to the wrongs and corruption. But what of the oppression and / or corruption? They know the same end results, but donot make themselves blind to the wrong.
[[ Instead of a twentyfive year old, handsome, gay stud / it's a gray hair old business man / boo hiss boo / Now the hiker stud shows up, / and he talks with the man, / not me / cry, cry, cry / I've been robbed again of a bit of companion ship / God, the world (life) hates me! ]]
Now I'm sad and distracted. All I've every wanted was someone to talk tot, but look what happens. Why dont I just go have myself shot [ HitchHiker's Guide ]? Now the hiker stud's gone and I'm left with people I dont want to be with. I had rather they just leve and let me alone, I hate that too, but it's not as frustrating.
Two boys and a girl - a couple and an extra friend - they just left too, so now their youthfull energy is gone too. Friends, any friends with whom to talk and laugh. But not me - no one I know wants to do what I do, but it's alright to do what they want. Anyway - the old man's gone too and now I'm alone again and the gay young stud I wished for has come and wnet too with no contact with me and so "reality" has returned to its norm.
Saturday Jul 29, 1989
2:30
Whitewater again. Well I went and did it. I walked up the trail for fifty minutes, past three fern patches and the old fireplace pile of rocks. Made it back down here in twentyfive. Mostly did it to chase the biker stud, know I wouldnt catch up - even if he went that way - I think he did though, there were signs. Anyway, I didnt. Walked the trail where the other hikers have walked. Not as far or as long, but I walked where they walked. Oh yes, there's a campsite by the river, below the bridge on the north side.
When I get back here, there's a couple again, the boy in his boxer underwear, before they leave, another couple friend comes down. It must be nice to be young and have a girl and friends. Now they are up on the overhang -- looking down on me.
Now what do I do, go home, go to Easley Huddle, go to movies, What am I suppose to do now? Stay late here. I havent hiked any great distance, havent done anything to make this day worth anything. And I dont want to go back to the usual Saturday night ritual either.
Saturday Jul 29, 1989
6:30
Huddle, Easley. Well I made it here, but I stopped at mom's and had a sandwich and the hot humid weather has got to her again and no one was there to visit with here and I left anyway.
So anyway, I'm going to forget all that, it ws to be expected, I'm going to remember walking the trail today and the hiker stud too. What now, go to CC for donut and coffee? Sit and watch the traffic go by, thinking about where I ws today.
Contrast. VCRs - movies at home, almost as bad as tv at home / But if it is with friends - that makes it fun and happy / Just look at them come and go / Beer keg party tonight after work / That's the talk here.
Saturday Jul 20, 1989
7:10
Carolina Creme. The daffy girl waitress has here boyfrined doing chores, cause she thinks it cute I guess. But why does he do it? Cause he gets sex out of it? What about the boy, from months ago, last November, what about the boy with the big dick, havent seen him recently. I should think the daffy waitress would sit with her boy, but maybe that is her on the phone, giggling business away.
Well supper over. --- Timothy, where are you tonight? White shorts -- there's lots of white shorts.
Wednesday Aug 2, 1989
6:20
Pizza Inn, Pickens. {{ Margin note: LOOK!! IT'S AUGUST ALREADY. }} I was here for supper tonight, the first time after leavig the T.S. book, the other manager is on tonight of course, and there's no sign of acknowledgement.
I study and worked school problems too.
Saturday Aug 5, 1989
5:45
WhiteWater Falls. --- There's these two young dudes, across the way, looking at me, as me looking at them.
There's the group across the vastness, shouting and hollering, celebrating friendship and life.
Saturday Aug 5, 1989
6:05
WhiteWater Falls. Three beers, later. There's still (always) something special about being here, looking at the running water, hearing the falling water, seeing the gorges, trees, sky and all, AND looking up into the sky to see an airplane Flying silently by. Such a contrast between nature's way and technology's way.
The youth across the waters are hollering again. I thought for a long time they had abandoned this place, seems like they've only come later.
Saturday Aug 5, 1989
8:20
Huddle House. Stopped by the house, even though I thought of not doing that. Anyway, I'me here, all bathed and washed and all. Left the yuong studs to do their smoking, drinkig and hollering. Nothing else happened, so here I sit wishing I had the memories, but thinking of the contrast between where I was and where I am. Young adults with there babies, mine should have been twenty by now. [Long Pause]
Been looking through the Brown Brief cover, it's got the old stuff in it. -- some of which I had forgotten.
Crying little baby in the corner, / What is troubling yuo so? / May I carry your troubles, / So you wont hurt anymore?
Wednesday Aug 9, 1989
5:20
Shoney's. It's over, for a week at least, another college course I'll never have to take again. "I'll have my book sold by 2:15" the kid said. I dont remember such discussion and talking and walking around. Such a relaxed - professinal student teacher atmosphere. But it starts again, too soon, I'm tired of ging to Clemson every day. Off studying (or feeling guilt, if I dont) every night. But what am I to do? Even if it takes me ten years.
Friday Aug 11, 1989
6:25
Pizza Inn, Pickens. Meter shower tonight, after midnight, will I stay up to watch? Would I see any if I did? --- Made some more copies of "ThoughtSmithing", Gave Doc G one today {We had talk about Nam, school, Woodstock, et all yesterday morning} So he could read "Talk to me Wall", His was #34 I think, so I made some more, Plane on making twentyfive - a pack of brief size.
Went to see a "007" movie, "License to Kill" with Daughty, Wednesday night, twentyfive years of 007. School exams and James Bond, the thought heree is Doc Who of BBC ETV, the one who changes character ever so often, Bond does the same you know Connely, Moore, ?, Daughty. --- I saw how the opening door trick works now, a close up of the model door, with the real background, in matching position. The man standing in a hand photo trick.
The place is empty tonight, so I dont have to feel guilty about taking up space. Guess I'll wash clothes tonight too. What else is there for a forty year old loner to do? It's been, except for a couple of week ago, a long time since Friday night was regular wash night. So there, no change in habits, the some ole routine, no friends to make it different.
Thursday Aug 17, 1989
7:40
Pizza Inn. Well, I saw the little bulge in the tire that was fixed, but I'm not going to let it bother me, least I will try. I'm really going to try and go somewhere this weekend, least not going to work. So there.
It's offical now, academic suspension. My case is before the appeals committee. Maybe they'lll say no and I want have to think about school any more. That would make me happy, so it wont happen will it, They say continue and I will and I'll hate studing. Dont you know.
Where will I go, Athens? Kentucky? DC? Makes no diff, I'll be alone, I'll be unhappy, I'll not have any fun, only worry.
Watched the Lunar Eclispe last night. {saw Joe on tv too, Clemson, tv7 weather Jack Roper etc} Watched Smothers Brothers last night too, dozed through half of it, so I missed the stuff that would have interested me. then I bathed and left home and stopped at the new store by Ingles {Pisps and cigs} and drove to Glassy. There were six cars up there at one time. One of them played their music, so I watched the Eclispe and listen to modern day music,, === Thought about all the other people and places doing the same. === The last care to get there was full of kids, with a deputy care behind, He checked them out, trunk too.
Friday Aug 18, 1989
6:50
the Grill "New Place" Athens GA. Here again -- I've left the country town behind. I've actually gone somewhere. Wouldnt you know they've moved, it's not the old place anymore. What meaning is there in this? I've walked down to the Free Speech Place on campus, and by the Stadium, over the bridge. Other than that, it's been the motel tv. What else.
I've not tried much to relate to the "old University Knowledge of Learning" thing. Even with me being back in school. But just being around the youth - smart youth - will have to be enough. === ALL GIRL STAFF ==
Longest rat's tail I've seen, and over twenty years old, holding onto his childhood. {{ Margin note: Post scriptum, Saturday morning, left "ThoghtSmithing" #35 at the Grill. }}
What was it really like one hundred fifty and two hundred years ago, to be a student here? Somthing other than a movie writers imagination.
Anyway, suppers over,and I've nothing else planned to do. Walk around, drive around, sit around, waiting for time to go around. {{ Margin note: a side walk cafe crowd, / outside Rocky's Pizzaera / Friends talking loudly / laughing together / are the night people out now, / Studs with stud ear pins and rings / long hair youth --- / forever there'll be long hair youth. / Rebel's Flying the Flag.
--:--
Late on a street corner bench and College Ave and Clayton. It's noce out tonight, cool, dry, watching life happen {to other people}. But there's always "the thought" "the knowing" of being someplace different. What else is there for me?
== Many walking by, shouting at the world? "I'm going crazy, cant remember where I parked my car, {left something in the car, he just walked back by carrying a bag}." Overstressed student maybe?
So, a hundred and fifty years ago, in 1839, what was happenig on this street corner? Another truck with rap heat music, what did a horse drawn wagon have, real life vocal songs // it was only a kid waiting on his parents. //
== Is this diff between sitting on a bench on campus and sitting one a bench on street corner, an outside versus inside feeling, student versus farmer boy.
== What of 2139, yes what of the futur? will it be moble laser shows on antigrav transports?
== Did alumi of yesterday year ever return? or did they leave their past behind, never look back some yes, some no.
== Were they skinny white kids with reversed caps, with they be?
Anyway, my mind has started to wander, with the activity on the streets.
Saturday Aug 19, 1989
7:35
Old Campus, on Old College Steps. "they've" torn up the bench area where I sat two years ago, I guess. I'm not sure when I was here last. === Did the usual Shoney's breakfast thing. == Anyway, it's an almost foggy morning - a Saturday morning - on a college campus. [pause] It's always the same, just sitting, thinking, pretending, to have graduated college and being an alumni. [pause] It's almost 8:00 guess I ought to start moving out of this place.
Saturday Aug 19, 1989
5:35
Hilton Head, Public Access Monument. Of course I would come here rather than go someplace unkown. There's lots of people here, cause I'm here early this year. Think it was late October early November last year. Anyway, there's marines here too, saw tow on the road out of hre, thumbing back to P.I.. Their latest cove is to cover their short hair with bandanas.
The Chinese, Philipines, Japanese are all here too. Like half the cars are not SC either. an international place, this turn around. A Chinese elder with grand son, wife and daughter -- Only from Greenville Chinese community. not from China. So what do the young marines talk about, what do they do, are they still hotel guards? Mostly just waiting for pizza time to get here. There's not much else to do, till half past dark, till walk the beach time. Sit on the mast and think Carribean thoughts Waiting for somethig to happen. === where do they (marines) wander off to, to see if they turn the girls head. == [The grandson ran up the beach to meet his father and uncle / friend. ]] Still there's no one to share this with.
6:45
Sharky Pizza On the Road. I thought this place was in the Plazza, but no, it's on the road out. Amstel beer, imported, 250 instead of 150 draft, 700 pizza too. But it's only money and I dont do this oftern. A bit of reggie on the musci box, If I had been, ten minutes later, this place would have been crowded and I would not have stopped. Intersting music, So what does it feel like to have been to the Carribean and to sit here. -- well, I started to write - what diff I still alone -- but then what's wrong with haveing been somewhere, better than to have not gone and still be alone [Sep 17, '88 that's when I was here.] Still I'v enot written any writings,none of GP, Letters, or anyother. There's people wanting in, I'm wasting space. Bye.
Sunday Aug 20, 1989
6:00
Beach Access again. Two guys on beach chares, a young happy couple (slept in car I think), one loner walked up the beach toward MH. - All their possessions on the beach.
Sunday Aug 21, 1989
10:50
Earle of Colegne. Walked down to the SeaPines, by the back road, and back up the bike path. It's hot and humid, still alone, but here I sit on Earle's Patio, watching the ducks and people and things, thinkign about street life in Europe, a homeless hungry kind of feeling. The ducks here are so tamed, standing around, waiting for me to feed them and I have nothig to give them, even the yong ones dont fear humans, their meal ticket, their rice bowl.
Before I left this morning. I got in front of the "big window on rich living", no tv, just sitting in the cool of the room, dreaming of how life could (should have) be. {{Margin note: Just how many college students are there here the last weekend before school starts?}}
Pictures hanging on an open air (breeze way) wall, pictures of sea scenes, idealist images of artist's minds - romanti outside life, like any tourist spot on earth. SeaGrass braclet, like SweetGrass of Cherokeees lore. If only this could be Montinque, Barbados, or anywhere else but here. I've stood on top of Whitside, I've sat with my friend Whitewater, I look at things, where I'm not, and think of places where I'm not.
There's nothing left except heat and humidity, no thought, no words, no images to paint.
Later in the Afternoon
Fed the ducks this time. Inspired a couple to do the same. So now what, my $3.50 Dr Pepper is gon, and I left my cigs at the room. Do what you normaly do - sit and think of the way it should have been; -- no think of all that you've missed.
Half Past Dark Time
Isnt it wonderful how the boys and the girl meet on the "beach patrol". First two boys and two girls, the pickup artist goes it a lone to hook up with girls, then they stand and talk for a while, then a disappearing act into the darkness. And then there's this loner passing up and down (trolling), then trailing a loner girl, then making the final chase. [He made uphis mid about the time I said, "Go for it" "do it"] He did, even though he stumbled. But such is the prize for success, a not so graceful intro. still it's wonderful to be young == isnt that the way it's always to be == young love on the beach by the ocean. The forsume has paired off, they strolling back down the beach. Will I learn the fate of the loner kid? == Anyway, such is what these places are for. Kid couples, young couples, young families, forever young love. Even the studs, still trollng count in thise place.
Before I started writing, I was meditating for the Earth to be purged of hatred and greed. Think I close my eyes and do some more.
Monday Aug 22, 1989
5:20
WhiteWater. I did it last (year), so I did it this year too. Ocean scene and mountain waterfall scene in the same day -- seven hours apart. I really felt like not going home, I hate having to go home.
Friday Sept 1, 1989
7:10
Pizza Inn. Not since my trip to Hilton Head, a week and half, mostly cause schools started again. Lost my parking place to all the new freshmen, it wasnt like this last January, decided most of them drop out after one semister. Now I'm parkingout below the cemetary, maybe that's wher I belong anyway. Doing two courses this time, last of the calculus and statics.
Scott's there too, meet him the first day and yesterday. He was outside the new chemistry building, waiting to go in. Talked a fewminutes, about surviving the first week, getting ahead and staying ahead. Wonder what he really thinks of having his uncle in college too.
Helped a kid on campus too, he wanted to know if I had jumpercables, of course I didnt. Drove him over to the traffic office and then to Johnstone. == [while at Athens the other weekend, a street person begged for a dollar, then five, gave him one I think. Then on the way back from Hilton Head, gave a kid a ride up to I95, he was on his way to NY already had his atlas turned to NY state. About Columbia, after I let him out at I26 and I95, thought how much better it would have been to have bought him a bus ticket, a meal (oh yes, I thought again of how I should have bought the Athens man a meal, remember Myrtle Beach?) But all that's too late now, maybe next time.] Anyway, what's the deal with being helpful all at once? Use to be I'd never get to help anyone and when opportunity knocked, I'd botch it.
The news from work is that "they" have prosponde my request for more money. The yearly four percent lie. "They're" got the money to hire back all those who have left, but not enough to give one who has stayed all these years. I know I wouldnt be worth anything to them anyway.
Monday Sept 4, 1989
4:50
WhiteWater Falls. I've already been up the trail this afternoon. Up at the old cabin site, left a "ThoughtSmithing" there along with a silver bullet and cigs. Walkled past there too, made it through the pas and across two ridges, fairly sure I ws headed down hill to the road crossing before turning back. It's only about an hour's steady walk, but with all the loafering it took me three hours. Anyway, "that task" is done, so now I can more on to other things.
Thursday Sept 21, 1989
5:35 AM
Huddle Rest. It's early morning and I've been awake since 1:30. * Sat here and wrote Marli a letter. * I've been sick with the flu again this weekend. Stayed away from work and school Monday and Tuesday. * Went up to Glassy Monday, picked up trash, a kid who knew Scott stopped by there, looking for squirrels to hunt. * Went up to Whitewater Falls Tuesday, to feel the feeling of being sick and out on top of the Falls. * Went to school Wednesday and took first mechanics test. * Sometime tis past two weeks, I typed up and sent Marli "the letter."
Wednesday Sept 27, 1989
4:50
Carolina Creme. Well I thought this would be a quiet time, but there's been a secondary crash on the road and all the talk in here is about what's outside. - So now I'm [my mind] confused. - Sort of felt like 'street kids feelings' on the way oer. But not anymore - almost - I want to feel that but cant. - Marli has nto responded to the long letter yet. Wonder what she's thinking? - Textbook phobia is back! - There's been a hurricane 'Hugo' through South Carolina. That's been interesting.
Like the best and the worst of people are showing their selfs. Ripoff the misfortunate or Give them help in time of need. The governmetn showing signs of absolute control - not letting residents back in to see the damage to their home. Some people have rode out the storm too, on boats and in houses! That would be experiencing the Zen of the storm.
Wednesday Oct 4, 1989
4:30 AM
Huddly House. Yeah. It's another wake up at two thirty morning. I gues this is going to be the routine for a long time to come. You know why too --- it's the latest way to make Jerry crazy by keeping his mind awake and thinkig of all the bad things that have happened, about his miserable life you know. Dont let hime escape into sleep, peaceful, restful sleep but let him sleep when his dream are bad. Make Jerry crazy.
Got a math test too, statics is confirming I hat school.
Well, breakfast is finsihed. It's five til six. So now what. The young, long blond hair dude is here. The one who'e young and in love with life and a woman. -- Later, I stand corrected, the lives with two teenage girls. --- Such luck to be young in these times. But then he has the looks to attract them.
Friday Oct 6, 1989
6:30
Pizza Inn Pickens. It's a Friday night and I'm going to go out. OFF to some usual routine, like Carolina Creme.
Guess what I found out at work, a printout with clock numbers and labor charges. I know what other people make, and I'm pissed. It's like I thought it to be - low middle of the middle group. Cheap labor that's all I've ever been. But -- you want to know what's really suprising, Earle's the highest, even beat out Paul, twice what I make. Now I'm upset again and cant think. But I'm thinking about leaving again. Maybe this time I'll do it. === The waitress guit. T-H-C ===
7:40
Carolina Creme. So there. The girl going to school is back, Spartan, and there was a truck load of kids greeting one as I walked up, 'a church group outting' No old cars, so what's the deal?
It's October, getting cold, the 'street people' feeling is faintly lurking about.
Saturday Oct 7, 1989
2:55
Carolina Creme. Back again. Tired of Statics, going quit it all, work and school, etal. Gotta get Jason a backbag and card. Should have gone to Whitewater Falls and WhiteSide. Maybe next weekend. Marli wrote me a letter the same day I wrote her -- last Sept 21, the wake up early morning. So do I or dont I?
Friday Oct 13, 1989
7:00
Carolina Creme. My whole life has been a Friday the thirteenth, dont you know. It's close to a Full Moon too, but it's cloudy. It wasnt last night though. But that's what I mean, nothing ever goes my way.
Hugo was a class four hurricane there weeks ago, now there's one called Jerry in the Gulf. So what is that to think of? Bad weather with my name on it.
I havent been to WhiteWater in two weeks! - pause to write a thought for Greed Factor - Like what's happening in Copenhagan? Where's Timothy tonight? That's mostly what I do, think - not write. - pause to look back - like I use to fill up one of these books in a year, this is going to be a year and half at least.
Thursday Oct 19, 1989
4:00 AM
Huddle House. I'm sick again. These things in my throat are bad again too. "WaterPicked" the biggest ever out the other night, after a miserable day. -- Really bombed the static test yesterday. overwhelmed by the details of the problems, paniced, usual poor test taking skills. Me thinks, I've sabatoged myself - I'm tired of it all and I just want to quit. I've thought that if I get a single bad grade added to my record, I'll never have a chance to get a degree so I'll never be tempted to try again. That's what it really is.
[[[ Isnt it interesting how a person's future depends upon a single simple event. ]]]
Oh yes, last night while waiting to go to sleep, I heard (thought I heard?) the train whistle off in the distance. That's twice recently.
Oh yes, I've not slept well these last weeks (have I ever?) bad dreams again. Sometimes my body is asleep but my mind is awake thinking of trying to sleep. Major Bummer.
Think I'll go for a long ride back.
Friday Oct 27, 1989
4:45 PM
Huddly house. Two weeks since I wrote last, five entrys this month. Use to be five a week. Marli sent her leter again - really should call and talk with her. "surprised with all the things I wrote" "Didnt expect to receive such a letter" she wrote, wants me to come down, dont you know. Why cant I just go. I'm quiting work anyway. I really think I'll do it this time. Quit work that is.
But, you know, I'm only infactuated with the thought of doing nothing next year - no work, no school; no worries, doing what I want to do, work odd jobs, sit ontop of WhiteWater / WhiteSide, loafer, play guitar, ets ad infinitum. [write] maybe go to Brazil.
Young, handsome rick that's what I wish. Then I could have anything, donchano! Dreaming again.
Saturday Oct 28, 1989
2:10
Glassy EastSide. Worked this morning and afternoon. Copied my programs on to IBM DOS DISK. Checked time cards to see who's making what, I'm leaving that place. They've laughed at me for years!
Sunday Oct 29, 1989
5:00 {real EST again}
Sliding Rock #11. I havent been here in a long long time. So what should I think? Like could I get use to loafering around this place, no work thing? Maybe I should think about that now. Just sit and Zen out on being here.
Water over rocks / Falling Autumn colors / Coolness in the air / Watery, humid coolness / Who's been here / Since I was here last / Anyone I know / Just sit and Zen Out on being here / Go for a WalkAbout, NOW!