Saturday, July 1, 2000

7:25p
     I've wrote about Stanley once, I think, in one of the Random Ressurrected Rememberances sections of the Journal. He's a cousin of some description, half 1st cousin once removed, more commonly known as a 2nd cousin, his grandfather and my mother are half brother and sister. He's one of the cousins I played with when we were kids, went to elementary school in the same class along with Linda and the others. Their Town Creek school closed after the first grad and they moved to Pickens Mill where I had been. So that's how we all ended up in the same class. Graduated high school in the same class too. But in junior high and senior high we were in different classes.
     I think the thing I wrote about in RRR was about being in the woods down behind the Caters house and it started to snow, really big cluster flakes. There was another time I went over to his house, it was at the bottom of Trotter Hill where Linda lived. We must have played around the creek that time and got all dirty. He went to bath but I stood at the kitchen sink and washed up. I got the floor all messed up and when his dad got home he got blamed for it. I just stood around and let it happen.
     After a few years his family moved up to the other end of Trotter Hill road, onto Fox Squirrel Ridge Road. We had moved up there too but it was about a mile west closer to the highway. I use to walk through the woods over to his house. That would have been the early sixties I guess.
     One Christmas a bunch of us got together and we went carolling out the Ridge Road. They were Chilma, Linda, Clovie and others I don't rememeber now.
     Other that that we would just meet in the halls up at the high school. We may have had some classes together.
     After I got out of the navy and came back to Pickens we meet up a few times. He told some about traveling out west selling stuff, garage tools I think. That would have been while I was in the navy. He was working at the oil place where his dad had worked for a long time. Then he moved down to Edisto Beach and had been there since the early eighties.
     Last Thursday night, early Friday morning he died in a car accident, ran off the road into a tree. Linda had learned about it from Teddy and of course she called DM and he called mom. She told me at lunch time Friday. The funeral is tomorrow and I'll be going too. Leandar came up this afternoon and is staying at mom's house, she and Micky and I will go together.

Thursday, July 6, 2000

4:35a
     The water was off since 5 yesterday afternoon. It went off at Mom's house about 7. Woke up this morning and it was still off. It's back on now. I guess there was the usual amount of air in the pipes. I had thought there would be a lot this time. The other morning, a couple of mornings ago, I saw where the big tank on the ridge was overflowing and running off down Edens road. Then yesterday afternoon, on my way over to Mom's house I saw a hydrand open down next to the bridge. So I guess there's been something to fix in the water system somewhere.
     It hasn't been the usual morning. Mostly because I was wondering if I could get my coffee made and hair washed like I normally do. It's interesting how some simple thing can get one's day off to a bad start.

Tuesday July 11, 20000

4:10a
     Excuse me. Has the end of the world started and no one's told me? Like Europe is hot and dry and they've got their wildfires going too. Maybe I'm just still hung up on domestic news sources and keep forgetting BBC and other news types are out there talking about the rest of the world.
     I think last week went downhill starting on the Fourth. It's just been a bad feeling week with my mind stuck in one its dwell on bad thoughts mode. I think I've lived through most all the things that could go wrong even though it's not as bad as I imagined. It's what if this, what if that, what if the other happens. And then it ends up being something else not nearly as bad or nothing at all. Getting through the weekends is still the hard times.
     To hot to get out and do anything, tired of sitting around in this room like when it's to cold to get out. Last night I even let the door curtain back down so I'd have only this room to cool off and let the kitchen stay hot. That's what I do, or use to do, during the cold days.
     But anyway, I've been up since 3:15 or so. I've really got to do something about waking up early, it's been going on like that for years and now I can't hang around the house to catch up on my rest during the day like I use to. I've got to take Mom over to see her lung doctor today too. It's going to be the hottest day so far this season, probably up near 100. I told the manager yesterday that I'll just take the whole day off so I won't have to run around from one place to another and back again. I've got to get some other things done too, like deposit the last two paychecks. Then I'll have to see if I can remember some of the other stuff I'd been meaning to do. But that to do list is about 3 months old.
     I did get the oil changed in the truck one day last week. I knew it had been needing that for months, even knew it probably needed oil added too. It was down 2 quarts instead of the usual one quart. It had been 10,000 miles since the last change and that was July 1999. I had just been adding oil when it needed it and kept telling myself I'd change it next time.
     It seems like just everything fell apart this year. It's never going to be the same again either.

Sunday July 16, 20000

4:10p
     Yesterday I went over to Mom's house to do the grass cutting thing. Did that earlier than normal since it was cool. While riding the mower around, I got something in my left eye. It had been a long time since that happened, the dust and grass flying around in the lite breeze. But I kept on cutting grass and thought it would eventually wash out. I did stop once to rub it some. Anyway the rest of the day there my eye kept watering and I kept blowing my nose.
     I had taken my ladder, saw and pruners over that morning too. I was going to trim some on the tree that's dying. I did that after cutting grass. But I didn't get any of the bigger limbs down. I would climb up the ladder and prune some, saw some. But in the end I decided if I tried cutting the big limbs they would fall wrong and knock me down or fall into the house. So I gave up.
     I even got up on the house to get to the some of the limbs. Then I thought of those holly bush-trees at the front corners. So I trimmed on them while I was on the roof. I suppose shrubbing is really to big when one has to get on the roof to trimm them. I had finished that and got the trimmings into the back of the truck when DM came driving up to visit with Mom. I stood around for a short while listening to what he had to tell. Then I hauled the trimmings over here to my house.
     After I cleaned up I laid down to rest my eye. It did clear up some while I had it closed. But later that evening after I had gone back to Mom's house for supper, it started to both me again. I left there earlier than normal to go up to the drug store to get some eyewash and eyedrops. I used them before going to bed and this morning all is well with the eye again.
     I also hauled my recycleables and trash, and Mom's too, over to the recycle place.
     So that's how I spent yesterday.
     This afternoon I kind-of loaded up the pickup truck and hauled off a pile of thoughts to the Random Thought File, it's a junk pile there too you know.
     Sometimes I get to wondering why I write anything. It's like what diff is it making. All these thoughts in my head that I've not written down because I feel there's no point to do that. Everything I've ever written out here just hanging in cyberspace. I've even wonder again recently what has become of all those ThoughtSmithing booklets I have left laying around at different places. They're about 75 or 100 of them out in the world somewhere. But only one person, one of the earliest copies, has ever contacted me, that was back in 1988 or 1989. They found one I left on the beach at Hilton Head.
     So why do I sit here and write anything? What few posts I've made on discussion boards or chatrooms basically get ignored into oblivion. Seems like there was mention of one of the well know poets, Emily Dickerson maybe, most of her work wasn't accepeted till a long time after she had died. It's that way with lots of famous people who weren't really famous during their lifetimes. Ha, not that any of my work is like theirs.
     Then again, I'm just tired of sitting here in front of this computer in this room. It's been 3 1/2 years now since I got connected to the internet. And that's where most of my time has been too. I'm really getting tired of sitting in this same chair in this same room having the same thoughts like I've done for 22 years.

Friday July 21, 20000

5:20a
     Well, I've pretty much wasted away another early morning. I didn't sleep much, or soundly, just drifting in and out of sleep most of the night. I had been getting tired as the week progressed, that's like normal, so I took a sleeping pill Wednesday night and slept soundly then. I guess I got too much rest and just didn't need to sleep much last night and this morning.
     So anyway, I've been up since 3:45 and haven't done much except look at a few websites. Then the Netscape hung up with the mouse clicks not registering, so I turned the computer off and did my usuall morning get ready for the day routine.
     Yesterday morning I got an email from a person at the place where Robert works, or either it was Robert using someone else's computer. It was a link to an AP news item about that Flag thing. I wrote a note back to them and just emailed it. It's their beer Friday so have a good one yous guys.
     Today is my last day at Ryobi for a while. One of the men I work with asked about when my current extension ended. Turned out it was this week. They could and would give me another extension, but I really need to get caught back up on some other things. Mom's house needs a few things done, the kitchen sink drain traps need replacing, two of the toliet tank values need work, that tree that's falling apart needs to be cut down. So I guess I'll spend a couple of weeks doing that sort of thing. Then, if they really end up hiring me, it'll be back to work, forever this time.
     I guess I'll post this and then lay back down till I absolutely have to get up and go to work. Later.

Tuesday July 25, 20000

10:00a
     Yesterday evening it started to rain, that was before I left Mom's house to come back here. It started to rain harder, some rolling thunder, before I got to bed. For some reason, I had been thinking of it anyway, I decided to leave the doors and bathroom window open all night. I had thought of that on the hot days and evenings, but it was still in the 80s some evenings before I went to bed and in the low 70s in the mornings so I never did. So last night I heard the rain and felt the some of the breeze, half woke up sometimes for the cooliness, got up about 3 or so and got a blanket out of the back room. It's been a really long time since I slept with the night air in the house.
     Yesterday when I drove over to Mom's and got to the eastside of the house I saw one of the bigger limbs on the pecan tree had fallen. My heart just kind-of sank too. It's been eat up insect holes or bird pecking holes for years, the weather's been dry and I guess that's weaking the limbs too. The leaves still look like it's a healthy tree but I don't know what to make of the falling limbs. It might not make it through another ice storm come winter time. So now I'll have to decide if it's best to just go ahead and have it cut down along with the small apple type tree. The man who did the tree cutting last time is suppose to come over tonight.
     DM and Bob came up to see Mom yesterday afternoon. They sat out on the porch and talked for about an hour. Bob had been in Colorado till a week or two ago. I guess everything is much the same with them and their families. Mom didn't mention anything out of the ordinary.
     I fixed the drains under the kitchen sinks yesterday too. Cleaned out a lot of gook from main drain pipe. I had thought the traps were clogging up but I replaced them anyway since they were metal and about to start to break open, one did while I was taking it off. I did that after I got the fallen limb cut up.
     I'm still all the time doubting what to do, cut the trees down or not, try fixing the drains or not, buy another air conditioner or not, buy an electrical generator or not. It's always which will be the right thing to do and when have I ever made a right decision? I think when I saw that pecan limb down on the ground I sort of decided it doesn't make any difference anymore. I'll just do what needs to be done when it needs doing and let it be the wrong decision.

Thursday July 27, 2000

9:30a
     "If you want to fly, you gotta think your happy thought." So says Peter Pan. I've forgotten my happy thought, can't even remember where or when I lost it ... or did I ever have one to begin with?
     It's sometimes that simple, the seperation between happiness and depression, a moment or two or three of activity, happy thoughts, and the blues go away. If there was only a way to capture them, bottle them, make a latern of them, so the glow would keep the darkness at bay.
     Oh well, 18,000 years kind-a slipped by too, but I tinkered with reality a bit and got it back right now.

Tuesday August 1, 2000

5:50a
     It was at the end of June that I looked at the calendar in Mom's den and started thinking about the hot weeks of Summer, air conditioning, oxygen concentrator, electric generator. July and August the hot months, storming months. Well, at least July is over now, even though August has 5 weeks of more hot days this year.
     The man I talked too about doing the tree trimming around Mom's house and my house, he was over at her house yesterday. The last we talked he mentioned it would be today but he started yesterday. He cut down the old orienmental apple tree and some of the low hang limbs on the pecan tree. So now there's only the pecan tree left at Mom's house. I thought it might have to be cut down too since a couple of limbs had broken off. But the tree man said that was about normal for those kinds of trees. It looks bad, full of holes where insects and birds have been. The joints at the the trunks and limbs look like they just collect water and seep in. That's what broke one of the limbs.
     So anyway he was coming over to my place and cut some trees down along side the road bank. But it's been raining some most of the night I think and looks like it will continue today. So I don't know if he will get around to doing the work at my house, or grind the apple tree stump at Mom's house.
     Yesterday afternoon I started digging around in that dirt pile left over from the septic tank work a couple of years ago. I've gotten tire of looking at it and thought I could at least make it look smaller if I spread out the dirt some. So I worked in the hot humid air, the sun came out and I got hotter. After an hour or so I rested some at the edge of the carport, then went back and did a little bit more. Now it all looks like a fresh dug dirt pile and bigger and more noticable. Maybe later on I can spread more of it out around on the old, maple tree places and make it smaller.
     Last Tuesday I went down to Lowes to look for electric generators. I really never did feel good that day, not knowing if I should get one, how to set it up or use it, moving it around, would Mom really want it at her house. So I just felt sick that day. I was standing around looking at the different models and wattage and prices, making notes on a scrap of paper. I had got myself upset with wondering what to do or not do. So I just left and drove back home. I think something I ate probably didn't agree with me that day too.
     I had planned to get more stuff done since I didn't have to work anywhere else for a while. But it's not going that way. I seem to spend my days laying around and thinking too much about not getting what I want done. It just like those past months and years when I wasn't working or hadn't worked. I can't seem to focus on getting started, ha, that sounds familar. So anyway, in a week or two more I guess the people at the Singer-Ryobi-TTI place will be calling me and I'll go back down there. Maybe I'll get my mindset into just doing that, working there and seeing about Mom and that'll be it for a long time, and not thinking about trying to do anything else.
     That's all now.

Sunday August 6, 2000

9:00a
     I guess I really don't know what to make of it. I've got 220 webpages, 3.22 megabytes of htm files, figuring 50 characters per line, 54 lines per typed page, that's 900 plus pages. Of course some percent of the webpages is html coding but I don't know how much. I still can't quite see how I've written 900, single spaced, with 1.0 inch margins, pages.
     This morning, I went out to get the Sunday paper and biscuits like I normally do. It was about 6:00 went I left Hardee's and noticed it was just getting daylight, actually I've noticed it is already still dark about 5:30 or so, instead of daylight, Summer is passing by.
     Anyway I happen to think about riding up to Glassy and eat the biscuits like I use to do regularly, so that's what I did. Drove out Railroad street and turned onto that short road to the Old Blue Flame place to get onto the highway. When I got up to the top there was already a car parked over next to the trail. I drove on around and parked at my usual spot, and sat there and ate my biscuits. It wasn't long before I heard them talking as they came up the trail and got into their car. They drove on by and left.
     I got out and walked around the loop and the very knoll. Then I left.
     Yesterday I spent doing yardwork over at Mom's house. Took most of my tools over there, shovels, rakes, saw, pruners. I loaded up the pile limbs into the truck and then started working on the dirt pile and chip pile where the man grinded the stump. I got more of the dirt moved and scatter about on the places where the other trees were. And I spread the wood chips over them and under the whisterier bushes. I got the old seashells that Mom had put out a long time ago and put the on top of the wood chips. At least I got all that looking better and it had been one of those things I had been wanting to get done for a long time.
     The afternoon I spent cutting grass like I usually do, except it was all green and moist now instead of dry and crunch. There was a lot less dust flying around this time.
     Mom had pulled out the dishwasher to clear some things out of it, it's just a storage place now and has been for decades. Anyway it got stuck open and I couldn't get it closed. She mentioned just go ahead and take it out. That was before I started cutting grass but when I had finished she had figured out how to get it closed again. Maybe I'll still go ahead and take it out and put some shelves in that place.
     I've started washing the walls in my kitchen, it's just a little bit at a time, and it doesn't really do a lot of good. Painting my rooms again was one of those 'to do list' items from four or 5 years ago. Maybe I'll get that done this year. I'm going to use exterior paint this time, it lasts longer on inside walls. They'll be white again too.
     The tree cutter came over to my house Friday and cut down the 7 trees that looked too tall and had been a concern about fallen come the next ice storm. Two were oaks and they were the ones on the bank beside the road. The others were pines and next to the driveway and road. It was interesting watching him and his helper do the work. He used his lift to get up to the tops of a couple, he tied off a rope and that's what the helper pulled on when he cut them down. The others he did the old traditional way, climbed them with climbing gear and cutting limbs off as he went up and then cut off sections of the trunk as he climbed back down. I was up at the top of my driveway one time watching, he was higher on one tree next to the road than I was. I didn't watch that much, just wandered down every now and then. But anyway, those trees I want have to think about this Winter. I just hope I picked out the right ones, but knowing my luck, it'll be one of the others that fall on the power lines and road.
     I've become infactuated with Youth World again. It's always been some form of vicarious existence I think. Studing there faces, wondering what kind of life they live and will live, how they will fare in the coming decades, how they might be faring in their present years, why they do what they do. Empathy. Voyerism. Amazement. Surrogate teen and twen life. Envoy. Jealous.
     I suppose that's basically it, imagining their life is and will be more adventerous, exciting and satisfing than what Adult World remembers their own to have been.
     Bye.

Wednesday August 9, 2000

9:15a
     It's the do nothing much blues. I have started and finished washing the kitchen walls, but there's little satisfaction in doing that, there's just some vague notion of painting them again, sometime.
     I did get my bicycle out of the middle bedroom, that's used as a storage room, and move it into the kitchen. Even pumped up the tires and rode in around the kitchen a couple of times. Now it's just sitting in the kitchen like it had been sitting in the bedroom/storage room for a year or more. Maybe when the weather is a bit cooler, I'll actually get it outside.
     I've thought of building something to shade the outside walls at Mom's house. That's something I thought of doing when the big trees were cut down in 1996 but never did. It would be some kind of extended eve or travase or whatever you call those things. And then I've thought of some kind of extra big umbrella or tent roof or something. But my mind always gets back to doubting if anything I design and build would really work and stay up during the first windy day. And then there's wonder if Mom would really want anything like that at her house. It's always don't bother or let it go with her.
     Besides those couple of things it's mostly been sitting here looking at other people's websites, writings and pictures. It's back to what I've done for the last 3 years after getting on the internet.

Wednesday August 16, 2000

6:45a
     Monday I got my pruning shears, bow saw and rake, went down to where the trees were cut down next to the drive and road, spent the morning cutting, sawing, pulling, tugging, tossing the tree trimmings up on to the bank. At least it doen't look as noticable now that the trees were cut down. I started doing that some on Saturday after cutting the grass at Mom's house. It'll probably be all I do to clear up that mess.
     I really need to get out and do more of that kind of exercise. It's becomming more and more obvious that I get physically bad off from all the time I spend sitting and laying around. Of course quitting smoking would help in that area too. I know part of it is the way my mind dwells on the same things all the time too. I went for ride through Eastatoe Valley and back down the mountain highway. It was like it's always been, driving and going some where to be in a different place for a while. But my mind was still thinking about the same things it would have thought about if I was sitting or laying around the house. I just can't get my mind turned off or turned on to something different.
     The transfer of power tool business place was officially done last Tuesday. It's known as One World Technologies now, doesn't even have the Ryobi name in it anymore. I guess we'll just have to add another hyphen name, Deihl - Singer - Ryobi - OWT work place. I'll call down there today and see what the status is now about being hired full time. Let them know I'm still interested and all.
     I really didn't get all I wanted done with these last couple of weeks off. But that's not all that unusual, never get what I really plan on doing done. Anyway, I've fallen back into the ole habits of not doing much of nothing, so I might as well go back to work and get paid for doing something for a while.

Sunday August 20, 2000

3:20p
     Thursday night was a bad night. I stayed up pass my normal going to bed time, following a discussion board on the internet, got involved in that a few weeks ago, it's absorbed me like the Columbine event did, didn't do my normal routine at all about going to bed. So I laid there till after midnight, got up a couple of times, smoked, took a sleeping pill, laid back down. Woke up at 4:30, probably got 4 hours sleep.
     Spent more time on the internet, it was after 8:30 or 9:00 before I got around to doing the morning grooming rituals. My mouth got dry when I tried eating the waffles, so I just ate the cereal with juice. I had already drank the pot of coffee. The rest of the day went by, dont know that I did much of anything, except just wonder what was going on, just worn out from the last few months, just the lack of sleep. That evening at Mom's I got that dry mouth again when I started to eat. But after I got relaxed some I finished most of supper. I came on back home and went on to bed about the usual time and slept till 4 or 5.
     Saturday morning I still got dry when I took a bite of the waffle. I didn't eat them and just had cereal again. Then I went on out to do the clothes washing thing and got some biscuits at McDonalds. I nibble at them till I got most of them eaten. Went back home and got the clothes hung out to finish drying and then laid back down. I went into one of the almost drift off to sleep but wake up. Anyway I got some more rest and felt some better.

Tuesday August 22, 2000

5:35a
     .... So anyway, I spent Friday fretting and worrying about my own health, what's going to happen if I get really bad sick, if I'll get employed with insurance before that happens, and most everything else I could think of that could go wrong now.
     As Saturday went by things started to feel better, I did Mom's grass later that morning, ate lunch and then came back and rested a bit more. Then went back over there to get groceries. Lucille was spending the day there too so Mom had company and she fixed up Mom's hair, cut and one of the home perms. That evening I got hotdog plates and we ate supper.
     So everything started to feel normal again, the same on Sunday too. It's just that a lack of sleep had such an effect on me that it scared me I guess. I did go up to the pharmacy Saturday morning and walked right over to that box of nicotine gum I had looked at before. Got it and so I'm chewing gum again. I still smoke a cig once in while but at least it's less than what I was doing.
     I called my doctor's office Monday morning to make an appointment and got one for that afternoon. I was expecting it to be more like Wednesday or Thursday. It all went much like I thought it would. I told him everything that had been going on recently, kinda like the last couple of times I went to see him. He listened to my lungs and heart. The nurse said my blood pressure was exactly normal, but I think that my be a little higher than normal for me since I've always understood normal for me was a little below average. He gave me a prescription for the same drug I've used before to calm my anxiety and nervessness. This time I'll not scrooge on them and use them all.
     So now it's Tuesday morning and I'm mostly waiting to go back to the doctor's office so they can get blood for testing. The usual no eating breakfast till late routine. Not that I ever ate much for breakfast recently anyway, but when you're not suppose to eat it sure makes you feel a lot more hungry for it.

Sunday August 27, 2000

8:25a
     I guess the week's gone by as expected. The doctor's office called Thursday morning, the blood work results were ok. Cholestrol 134, tri-cholestrols 234, I think she said 200 was normal, then there were a whole list of things she named, sugar, sodium, and so on, all normal. So all my ill feelings were in my head, but I guess I knew that to start with.
     I spent the days upto Friday counting out cigs, 5 a day where I would have smoked 20 or so. Then yesterday afternoon I smoked 4 out of another pack, got all upset at myself and tore up the rest and threw them out back. So this morning after I got all my Sunday morning routine done, I went out there and scrounged around on the ground among the coffee grounds, looking for a couple of short pieces I could get a puff or two off of. I really think I had reached toxic levels over the last several months with the nicotine. Cheap cigs, anxiety and tenseness, all just a bad mix.
     I spent Saturday doing the weed trimming around my house. I got a new length of trimmer string that was suppose to last three times as long as the economy stuff. It didn't. It kept breaking off ever few minutes and I went through 50 ft of it before finishing my yard. Then I went up town to get some at Bivens Hardware, it was larger diameter so I thought it would last longer, it was too big to fit through the holes in the trimmer. I picked up some more at Ace again, just the economy stuff and went on over to Mom's to do her yard. It would break off too. After lunch I came back and finished my yard and used up the rest of that roll. It's all a plot to nickel and dime people into buy stuff that doesn't really work.
     I cleaned up and went back to Mom's to get the grocery list and went down to the store by the creek to get those. DM was at her house when I got back, he's still hurting with all his aches and pains but he's getting out now. He left after we got the groceries put away. Then later Lucille had stopped by for a few minutes.
     The tranxene (clorazepate) is helping me to relax, I don't get as tense as I use too. It's probably helping to sleep better at night too. I'm able to be aware of my dreaming states, I still wake up about 4 or so and go pee but I then lay back down and sleep a couple more hours.
     Thursday I call the power tool place again, the man called back later and said everything should be set up to start again. He said I could have started Friday but I decided to just wait till Monday and start the week out that way. Let them get more of the paperwork done by then too. It's be throught the temp agency again for 6 weeks or so and then it's suppose to change to be employed by the power tool place.
     Well, I've associated sitting in front of the computer and doing programming with smokeing over the years. So now I've got to go deal with that feeling again. Later.

Friday September 1, 2000

5:20a
     I think this is just a Journal entry 'cause it's the first day of September. I remember thinking about the end of June how it would be hot during July and August and was already counting days and weeks till today. So today is here now.
     The first week back at the power tool place was about like always. Did some testing on fuse designs and then it was back to doing saw cuts using the moving platform thing. Mostly working through all the tec problems getting everything set up and working right.
     Brothers' trip starts next week and it's not getting off to a good start. Nothing seems to work out as planned, it's always something changing. Anyway I hope they eventually get started and everything goes well without any troubles.
     Mom's been doing well it seems, or at least more like normal when I'm around. People have been coming by more often it seems too during the past weeks.
     Then again maybe it's my own anti-anxiety medicine what makes things appear better. I've been using only half a tab a day now and toward then late afternoon I can tell it's wearing off. Some of the tenseness starts then. But that depends on how the day went at work too, it's frustrating when things get bogged down in tec problems. I've been smoking cigs butt out of the ash trays out back at work too. Maybe 3 or 4 tokes a day. It's just the principle of still wanting to smoke and doing that I guess. It's still not like I smoked 20 plus cigs a day anymore. So anyway, it's been about 25 cigs in the last 2 weeks, it would have been 280 before.

Tuesday September 5, 2000

4:25a
     Labor Day weekend is over. Or rather it's just another holiday behind me that I don't have to think about getting through. I only made a couple of rides around the same old roads, up to Table Rock along the old back roads and down Pumkintown Highway. I stayed away from the lakes like I normally do on holidays, but I doubt if they were crowded like they use to be.
     Saturday morning while washing clothes I fished a couple of cig butts out of that plastic can and smoked them.
     Some of my anxiety came back the other day too, Sunday I guess. I took a whole pill yesterday instead of half, I guess it was the lack of activity to keep my mind off things that caused it. Too much dwell time on things I don't need to dwell on.
     Looking at the instrutment panel in the old Mercury capsule, the lights are green excecpt for 3 or 4. There's no joy.

Friday September 8, 2000

5:30a
     This is one of those journal entries just to make an entry 'cause I can't think of anything worth saying but felt like writing something anyway.

Sunday September 10, 2000

4:00p
     Rode down to Ingles to get a couple of grandparents day cards, went through town and up to Glassy, walked around the road there, drove back along Boggs road and the road in front of Glassy, went over to Griffin Church and walked through the cemetery, drove back toward Pickens on the Pumpkintown highway and up Edens Road. So that was my outting for today.
     Two Saturday's ago I was at Ingles getting groceries, there stood Allen and Mac Lindsey in one of the other checkout ailes. They came over and talked a bit before leaving. I just told them about Daniel and Robert since that's who they know. Don't know how many decades it's been since I seen Mac, or Allen too I guess.
     Didn't do any yard work yesterday and now the grass looks like it needs cutting. It was last Monday when I cut it. Haven't done anything around my house either.
     I got an email from one of the distant cousins out in Colorado yesterday too. He saw the website site and wanted to talk genealogy. Said they plan to come out in a couple of months.
     Other than that it's still just putting in the time.

Monday September 11, 2000

4:50a
     What is the purpose of knowledge? Does it really make a diff if I know the number of electrons in the universe? (Somewhere around 10^80.) Or how about the approaching maelstrom in western civilization? (Peak load capacity circa 2050.) I know a bit of calculus but never did solve the snow fall problem, or the clock hand alignment problem, ... as if anyone remembers clocks with hands anymore. Does it make a diff that I see how the news media and politicans manipulate the public's puppet strings? Toast lands on the buttered and jellied side, why? 'cause the universe is designed that way. The stars and civilizations are spaced so far apart they'll never be travel between them, why? 'cause God designed it that way, why? 'cause we can't get along among ourselves much less other world aliens. There's more life, animal, plant, thinking creatures in the universe than they are stars. But what diff does it make to know that? Platonics means solid ground is just floating around on a pool of molten rock, what purpose is there in knowing that?
     What is the purpose of knowledge? There is none. In another 10,000 years all that we know of as human civilaztion will be a myth, ledgend, tales and stories told around some nomadic tribe's campfire.

Wednesday September 13, 2000

2:40a
     This is to be one of the long days. Woke up 1 and 3/4 hours ago. Already did my hair washing, shaving, coffee, waffles. Sat out on the back porch and smoked a cig, I'm down to 1 or 2 a day now and I've already had my one for today, had just one yesterday. A deputy sheriff car drove by while I was outside too. But anyway, some nights it just doesn't do any good to try and get back to sleep, so it's go ahead and get up and get doing.
     Brothers have been on their trip since early last week. They called Mom on Wednesday last week and then again on Monday evening. They're still in Colorado, taking in all the side roads I guess. Still hope everything goes well for them. Mom mentioned again after they called about how she wished I would have gone along or done something. It still bothers her that I've stayed around Pickens and ended up taking care of her. I told her that's just the way life worked out for us.
     She had gotten some winter coats out the other day and they were hanging on the back porch to air out. Some moths had gotten into them. She also had Dad's old ties out at lunch time Monday and was sorting through them. She was coughing a lot too and I thought it might be the musky and dust from them. She ended up putting them in a plastic bag and sitting them in the laundry room. I got them that evening and brought them home, they're laying up on a shelve behind me now, next to the old camera tripod.
     That evening she got to sorting through the bed covers and afgans in her closet, I had noticed she had been out of the den for a while and went to see what she was doing. I helped her put things away. She has gotten back to breathing hard too with most any activity again.
     Sunday was Grandparents day, so I stopped by the grocery store down by the creek and bought a couple of cards. One was for a Grandma and the other a Great Grandma. I gave them to her that evening at supper time.
     I guess this waking up earlier than the normal early has something to do with the Full Moon, the last one of Summer this year. Bye.

Wednesday September 20, 2000

4:30a
     It's going to be Autumn on Friday.
     It's been the usual week, lawn work at Mom's on Saturday, Sunday lunch and afternoon, and then the regular work days at the power tool place.
     There's never the time to write much anymore, I've become too accustom to having all day to do stuff, now most of the day is spent at work, and the rest of the day is spent doing the normal routine stuff.
     Yesterday morning I slept well, till 2, then it was the thinking till I dozed off and wake up thinking again, till 6 and that felt so late, didn't have time to get my usual slow rituals done.
     Over the weekend I smoked half a pack I guess, mostly 'cause I felt like buying a pack Friday noontime and it was just laying around here. Actually I put the ash can, empty cig packs in a shoebox and stuck them in a drawer of the old metal desk. I go in there and write down when I get one and then go sit out on the back porch and smoke. It's the only place I smoke now. I would chew more nicotine gum but that's just putting the stuff back in my system too.
     Oh well, time to get on with it.

Thursday September 21, 2000

3:45a
     Been awake about 2 hours, a storm passed through about then. There was a time when a night storm would be easy to deal with, just lay still and listen to the thunder roll over. But now my thoughts just pop to wondering how bad it's going to be and will the power get knocked off.
     There's not much else going on. I've already done the hair washing and face shaving, did the news and olympic websites earlier, boring.
     I did get a small smile out of reading the american basketball team getting booed, serves them right for allowing professionals into the olympics. There was something else about americans getting what they deserve, lack of live coverage or more of it. Actually they're going to get less of it because not as many people are watching as nbc planned so they're going to do more ads to make up for it, which will lead to less olympics, which will lead to fewer viewers. Typical capitalistic media logic.
     Haven't heard from the brothers since we called them last Saturday. Their postcards are slow getting here too, the last one was dated the 12th and it got here Monday or Tuesday. I guess the postcards just don't go through the automated postal machines as fast as letters. They haven't called either but the deal was at least once a week so it'll be Saturday before that time gets here. The weather up north isn't looking all that good anymore either.
     I guess I should just upload this and go on back to bed now.

Sunday September 24, 2000

3:25p
     It had been raining Friday, the ground was wet Saturday and the grass hadn't grown much so I didn't do the yardwork. The Fall Heritage Festival was suppose to have been Saturday too, but they cancelled that, the grounds were to wet for a big crowd. It was mostly sunny that day too and they were some people to show up there anyway.
     Tried calling the brothers last night but didn't get any answer. I tried a couple of times this morning too and got them about 10:00. They had just gotten on the road again. Mom had called them earlier that morning too so she had tried again anyway. They were just finishing getting ready to leave then. They were near a place called Manttawa, west of Ottawa, so they had already moved east through Canada. The postcards are slow in .... oh, I've already wrote about that.
     Mom fixed baked chicken today, we had gotten it a couple of weeks ago I guess. So I went over early to see if she'd let me help some with that. Stayed over there till 2:00, watched some of the Olympics and a church service out of Columbia. I came back here and did my laying on the couch and de-tense relax. Then I went for a ride through town and out by the City Cemetery road and back through town. Got gas and came back home. Sat out on the back porch and smoked a cig, then bathed, then here I sit.
     While I was up town I went over to the Hardee's parking lot to sit for a while. I thought I would just sit and watch people but it got hot in the truck. I noticed a Datsun Z car, least that's what it reminded me of, it had Louisanna plates on it. That made me think of Winnie. I should write her an email I guess I'm a week behind again.
     There's still no change at work, I'm still a temp person and it's be another 3 or so weeks before anything changes, I guess.
     That's all for now. Bye.