I once knew this queen, she lived in a deserted palace. She was dying when I met her, she was young and pale, with feverish skin that transcends into a strange pinkish color to her cheeks. She said that she was in love with a brave knight, who shined her live briefly yet extraordinarily. She said that he was the first brave soul that came into her palace and rescued her from one hundred years of solitude. I looked her in disbelief - she was so young then, even when she was dying, she had a strange aura that made her looked as if she was still in her teens. She wore silk white gowns, she had barely wore any makeup, her eyes were dreaming, her forehead felt like a burning coal. She grabbed onto me and told me this story.
The knight rode the horse across continent to meet her in Italy, where she was spending her youthful days singing and cultivating her domestic skills. She loved Italy for it’s genuine, down to earth atmosphere so she decided to build her palace there. The brave knight showed up one day after thousands of miles of lonely journey, and the young queen's beauty and courageous moves took him by surprise. She invited him into her palace and asked him to join her adventure of building her palace. They traveled long and hard to various places to explore the potential of the land but the knight insisted on returning home to America. “That’s the land of dreams, my lady.” She looked into his dark green eyes and his shining blonde hair, at that moment she knew her journey couldn’t possibly continue without his existence.
They traveled for months over the sea, and arrived to the strange new land called San Francisco. The queen had brought all her belongings and her treasuries, she bought a piece of land and build her little palace. The knight had decided to cater her to no extent, for he learnt what the true meaning of romances through his beloved queen. He did everything he could to make her happy, the long spoiled queen gave up her aristocratic self-image and learnt to live like a normal human being. But her one hundred years of solitude prevent her from sharing her most inner self, for she was afraid of getting hurt. For as long as she knew, men were born to be liars and bastards, they only take from the women and never give back. The knight had extraordinary patience when it comes to his queen. He said “my lady, the world is such a fresh place, open your heart and allow yourself to be loved back.” Nights and nights the knight held the queen tight, he touched her hair and rubbed her back as she felt asleep, he murmured lovely compliments to the queen when she was just about to drift to sleep. The queen finally opened up herself and one day she woke up in the morning, the sun was shining through their garden, and she looked into her knight’s beautiful eyes, and she said, “I love you.” The knight was quite surprised yet completed pleased by her emotions, he took her hands and said, “my lady, I hope one day you will allow me to say the same words back. You made me so happy, my lady.” The queen was satisfied and content, she lived her life like a young child who was showered by loving and caring, she rendered her heart, little by little she opened herself completely, her true self, not the pretentious one, not the perfect one but the true one. She learnt that the knight had tempers, and he changed his mind quite frequently. She learnt in order to make the knight to love her, she needed to change to become who he wanted her to be.
One evening, after a long day journey, the knight came in, his face dark and his voice low, he said, “my lady, is it too much for me to ask to cook for me once in a while? I expected my loved one to cook when she’s with me. Or perhaps I’m asking too much?” The queen had never been with anyone who claimed his love for her before, for she had long lived alone in her palace, she was almost pleasantly surprised by her knight’s demand. She said anxiously, “Oh darling, but of course. I would love to cook for you.” The knight was satisfied, he hugged her tight and made love to her beautifully. The queen took a few cooking lessons and made her knight first meal a week later. Though she knew she could have hired servants or took her knight out for dinner with her treasuries, she knew it was important that her knight would eat a home meal when he got back.
The queen loved to write when she was alone and she wrote many love stories about her imaginary lovers in the past. She shared her writing anxiously with her knight, yet she was afraid that he would criticize her for her burning passion and untamed heart. She said to her knight, “oh darling, please forgive me for what I’ve written, please trust my heart, for my love for you is so unconditional. Please forgive me for have written stories about those other men, and please let the past be the past. I love you now and I will love you forever.” The knight took her into his broad arms, and he kissed her face over and over again, “Don’t worry, my lady. I adore you for who you are. You are such a fresh breath of air, I love what I’m reading. And I’m falling for you because of what you’ve written. You truly understand love and romance and you spoil me so.” The queen continued her journal writing. She wrote about her inner conflicts, she wrote about her knight, and she wrote about her hesitation in giving up her freedom as a queen, for she was becoming slowly absorbed by the knight’s world, and she forgot sometimes she still was the queen in her own palace.
One day she received a letter from the knight, as he traveled across the unknown land, he said that he missed her very much, and he wondered why he had not received a romantic love letter dedicated to him and him only. He said that he was disappointed by the queen, considering how many times he had told her that he loved her writing. How could she be so ignorant about his feelings? “My lady, I’m deeply hurt. You know I felt for you because of your beautiful romantic writings, how could you not write anything personal for my eyes only?” The queen was terrified. The last thing she would want to do was to hurt her knight. She took his criticism to her heart and wished that she could have seen his dissatisfaction coming long before. The queen was so happy then, she couldn’t help but enjoying her growing love towards the knight, and she wanted so hard to please him that she had temporally given up writing romantic stories. She was so absorbed by her notion of loving her knight that she had no spare time to write. For writing used to be the way to resolve her loneliness before the knight came into her life, and now with the knight, she no longer needed writing to survive. She was positive that her love for the knight was the only way to achieve her happiness. She was busy planning a future, a white picked fence, two dogs and two kids just like her neighbors did. She forgot that she was a queen, she wanted to be just like a normal human being, and live a normal life. But her knight wanted more from her. She hated herself for having failed her knight and blamed herself for having not seen what made her knight truly happy. She wrote and wrote long poems for her knight, and this time she sent it along with her pictures. She said “I love you so dearly, please return home soon.” The knight showed up the next day, and hugged her with his teary eyes. He said “I love you too, my lady, you made me so happy.”
The queen was a charismatic young creature and she enjoyed being surrounded by people and meeting new people. People liked her for who she was despite her lack of conformity to the world. For she had long lived like a queen, she questioned the social norms and raised her eyebrows when things didn’t make sense to her. She enjoyed shocking people a little for it was fun to see the human brains challenged in a non-traditional way. She adored people so and gave all she could have given to make others comfortable around her, that was once people got to know her. She was at once young and old, she possessed one hundred years of wisdom yet knew so little about the contemporary lifestyle. The knight was first astonished, and even a little proud of his queen. The knight had grown up in a very normal family and went on to obtain the highest education, he was a leader in many areas of his peers and he was all the time reserved and experimental. His reserved side was challenged by the queen’s openness, and his experimental side was happy by the queen’s non-conformity. The knight knew deep inside that the queen needed to change a lot to become his version of ideal woman, yet he was drawn to her by her romanticism and sensuality. But little by little the knight was getting irritated by the attention paid to the queen. As the queen attended social functions, people would be surrounding the queen and asking her opinions on controversial issues. The queen spoke openly about her views and challenged the social norms by giving out her opinions openly. The knight found out that he was slowly becoming the queen’s shadow, as people often turned to him once the queen made a comment. “So my lord, what was your opinion regarding the queen’s comments?” The knight wanted to escape, as he found himself somewhat embarrassed by the queen’s comments, as it was so outrageous to the norm and he couldn’t even conform to her sayings. He started to find excuse to escape those social functions, and even when he was there, he put on very false smiles and stood quietly beside his queen. He was afraid of walking away and having the queen to draw more attention by rendering her comments that were ahead of her time. The queen had no idea, all these times she thought her knight was happy to be around her, and he was proud for she was. She adored her knight for accepting her for who she was, and in return, she found ways to spoil her knight.
“This was when things started to slip.” The dying queen held my hand really tight, her eyes filled with tears and she took a deep breath. “I thought everything I did was for his happiness. I had blindly surrendered myself to him that his happiness was becoming my own, and the same went with his unhappiness. I could sense his tempers rising, when I did something little to irritate him. I’m not a perfect human being, and I wanted so hard to please him that I thought I had to do everything right or he’d walk away from me. I lived on the hope that he and I one day will be together forever that I knew that I could have done just about anything to please him. When I sensed that he was getting mad at me, I knew that I crossed the line, but sometimes I didn’t even know how it happened. He never told me that he was so unhappy that he would leave me had I not changed. He knew that I could have changed for him. But I guess it was not why he was with me.” The queen took a sip of water as I fed her. She wiped the drips off her lips as she looked at me. She was a tired soul, her youthfulness was only a cover up for her dying heart. “So tell me, pretty girl, how did you know to find me?”
I recognized that she needed a break from her tormenting memory, so I told her my fair share of story.
“You see, my lady, I was a lonely traveler. I had explored the world on my own since I was a little girl. My parents had sent me free and I had packed my bags and came to America. I’ve done relatively well in this strange land. I must confess I am a bit picky in choosing men so in the last few years I’ve remained single. But recently I met someone.”
The queen raised her eye brows, as she listened to myself, “Really? Is he a gentleman? Does he treat you well?”
I bit my tongue and tried to come up with a good answer without sucking this queen into further misery, “Actually, he was a gentleman, and indeed he treated me well.”
The queen rested her face on the pillow, and congratulated me on my success in finding this man. “You seem to be a very courageous lady. Don’t ever give up who you on. You seem to be like the young me, you say things to shock people a little, you wear your heart on your sleeves, you pretend to be strong yet anyone with any sense can see through your brave front and be touched by your fragile heart. You are so willing to love that you would do just about anything to please that person.”
I was surprised by her comments, as I recently heard of the same thing from a friend of mine.
“But darling, what’s been bothering you?” The queen looked into my eyes.
I was astonished by her observation, at the same time I was relieved that I didn’t have to hide it any longer.
“My queen, the man I felt in love with had decided to leave me because of my personality. He said that he couldn’t feel comfortable when we were out with our friends, and that I made him uncomfortable.”
The queen had a strange smile on her face. I was worried that I’d said something wrong to upset her.
She raised her hand and touched my face, and I was not aware that two drops of tears had formed the start of a little creek. Trailing down my face were the tears that I thought I’ve exhausted over the last two weeks since the man I loved walked out on me.
“Darling. Look at me.” The queen said. “You know what? You are just like the young version of me. You are persistent, you are strong, yet fragile once your heart has been penetrated. You speak what’s on your mind and you are not afraid of the social norms. You challenge people with your thoughts and you shock people with your honesty and bravery. Friends will see that through you – you are not tough, your are a fragile soul, my child. But don’t be too strong. Don’t be because people love you for who you are, and even though you have much grown up to do, you have come a long way, more so than your peers. Don’t dwell on the past. That true soul is out there, and that someone who will truly adore you for who you are is indeed out there. Don’t ever forget who you are.”
I listened and I cried. I wanted to hug this queen for she had made me feel so much better than I’d ever felt in the past two weeks, for weeks now I’ve drifted into sleep, crying for my lost love, and I tried to contact him, and begged him to take me back.
The queen turned her face to the inside of the bed, and I realized her small framed body trembling, uncontrollably. “What’s wrong, my queen?” I asked anxiously. She didn’t respond for a while. I waited and waited, hoping that she could hear me and stop her trembling. Five minutes passed. The room was silent with the distilled hospital smell invading every corner. The queen finally turned around. Her face wore the brightness of death, and she seemed at ease for she knew what was coming.
“My child, would you like to hear the rest of my story?” She asked me. I realized the tragic ending was inevitable but somehow I was hoping that she would tell me a different version of the story. I nodded my head and waited for her to continue.
“The knight was the only love of my life. I’ve long waited for someone like him. I swore to the dear God that I’d do anything and everything to make him happy. But his dissatisfaction was increasing. Once at the end of my cousin’s wedding he told me that he was in love with someone else and that he would like to break up with me to see this other woman. I cried my eyes out. I thought the world ended. It was a magnificent wedding. There were grape wines everywhere, the stars were shining, the music was playing, and everyone cheered for the newly weds. I just stood there, listening to him, and I smiled, and I told him that my heart is breaking into millions of pieces. I asked him if he could feel my heart was dying at that very moment.
The next day we took off in the same carriage, and in the carriage I gained back my composure. I knew deep down that I was a queen, and I needed the confidence and courage to move on, to set example for my people. But when I returned to the palace alone, I knew that I wasn’t able to live without the knight. The thought of him going to another women drove me into insanity. I felt asleep thinking that I would rather die. For I’ve got nothing to look forward to. But in the middle of the night, I sensed the familiar body coming closer to me. It was my knight. He whispered to my ears, ‘My lady, I’m so sorry. I couldn’t believe that I just did that. I love you. I missed you so much. I knew that I did something terrible the minute you left the carriage, how could I live without your love?’ I turned around and saw my knight. His face was filled with tears and his lips were trembling. I loved him so, and I took him back right away. We made love like there was no tomorrow. I knew that deep inside of my heart, he was the one for me and I accepted his wondering eyes as part of him. Though I knew there would be many repairs to be done to our relationship, I was confident that he could see my love for him was so unconditional. And love, would conquer all.”
The queen took a pause. Her eyes were fixed far away and dreamy, as if the story only took place yesterday. She then closed her eyes, and large drops of tears dripped into the silky ivory pillows, she took hold of my hands, and repeated touched them gently. Then she cleared her throat and continued on.
“My life continued on with the knight. He was attentive, caring, romantic and loving. When he traveled, he sent messages daily to me, and told me how much he missed me. When he came back, we took trips to the country side, and we spent days and nights cuddling in the water bed he made for us, we took walks to the woods, watched millions of stars shining above us, listened to the wind blowing the trees, and built snowman in front of our cabin.” He was the perfect lover. At night when I drifted into sleep, he’d make love to me repetitively. In the morning, when I woke up, he’d touch my face, and whisper to me, “my lady, you are so beautiful.” I felt so in love with the romanticism of our relationship and I grew increasingly dependent of his attention.
One day, we took a trip with the knights’ friends to a snow covered cabin. There we celebrated the New Year. I was wearing the beautiful necklace he had given me, and I took great care of him, or so I thought.
But the day when we came back, my knight insisted on going away for an unexpected trip. He told me, in a wryly voice, ‘my lady, you are a wonderful human being, but I can’t fulfill the role as your lover, you deserve someone who would take you for who you are. I am leaving now. I hope you will see that this relationship has been inspiring to you as it has been to me.’
I was shocked. I was so in shock that I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I wanted to know what happened during this trip, and how could he tell me that he loved me less than a week ago and then abandon me a week later. I had so many unanswered questions yet I realized it was too late. He had made the decision without me. And somehow he had decided to move on without giving me a chance. I contacted him, I wrote him letters, I begged him to take me back and work things out. But he insisted that he was losing himself when he’s with me, and that he was miserable when we were seen by our friends. I told him, please, please give me a chance, please let me show you that I could change for you. Please don’t walk away so abruptly. Don’t you remember that love does find its way?”
The queen now started to tremble, her body ached with the notion of memory, and she silently wiped her tears away only to let more dripping into her pillow. I watched her crying, suffering from the lost of her love and I wished that I could comfort her, but I couldn’t seem to find the proper words. I suspect that I knew the ending already yet her story completely surprised me.
“The knight walked away, and he promised that he wanted to be in touch with me, and that he wanted me to know that he truly cared about me, yet he wasn’t cut out to be my lover. I tried to converse with him later, he said that he was looking to find something less stressful, a relationship where he could feel that he was the king, and a woman he could be more proud of to be seen with. I knew that I’ve lost him. Yet I didn’t understand why. I knew that I was capable just about anything in this world, for I’ve built my own palace without anyone’s help. I knew that I was intelligent, rational, romantic and loving. I knew that I was pretty. So I couldn’t understand why the knight would not want to give me a chance and at the same time accept me for who I was. For I knew at one point of time, he was attracted to me because of my openness and my straight forward attitude. Perhaps I should have refrained myself by saying certain things, but I was so in love that I thought the world was such a happy, peaceful place. I wanted everyone to know how happy and content I was when the knight was my lover. So part of me wanted so bad to be still in the knight’s life, and that included becoming his secret mistress.
As a queen, I knew that if I was caught my position would be demolished and my palace would be destroyed. Yet I sneaked out of my palace every month, the last Thursday night precisely, and I’d meet my knight, and I’d make furious love to him, for I thought by becoming his mistress I’d still take a position in his life. I never asked about his other affairs, I never talked to him about my own life. I stopped being the once caring, loving lover to him, instead, I felt like a whore. I thought there was nothing left but the physical attraction we had for each other. It was purely physical, and it was decadent. I loved him so. I didn’t care about the risk I was taking. I didn’t care about anything else in the world. I lived my life based on the thought of seeing him again. We didn’t talk when we met. We stripped off each other’s clothes, we made love to each other like the old time, and I put on my clothes afterwards and left his place before the sun rose. I wished that he could see through my heart, and I wish that he could understand the magnitude of my love for him. But instead, I enslaved myself and I took the pleasure of seeing him growing hard under those familiar touches of mine. I wished – to this date, that he could have known the burning fire I held for him, instead, I swallowed my pride and took on the physical pleasure I achieved by being with him, even though it was only once a month. Until the day he announced to me, after making love to me again, that he was engaged to a woman who he was seeing.”
The queen now started to look at me, and she had a very strange notion that was about to scare me away. She asked me – “Pretty girl, do you know what love is?”
I was not prepared to answer that question. For years now I thought I knew love was until I heard this tragic story.
“Love is a blind passion lonely lady. Love is not something you could rationalize, or explain with words. Love is a pure action. Love will set you free, once for all.”
“To this date, I know that I love my knight. I’ve not seen him since his engagement announcement. I realized that I’ve changed myself for him. That was probably the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. I allowed myself to become vulnerable, and demanding, so he saw my weakness and took control of it. I didn’t care, for I was in love. But when I’ve changed myself, I was no longer the independent, self-assured queen people loved. I took pity on myself, and I wished that I could have moved on instead of being trapped in my knight’s shadow. But that’s the price you pay when you fall in love.”
The rest of story was fairly straightforward. The queen developed a decease due to her heart break, she refused to see doctor or take medication, as the time went on, it became a terminal illness and she was given only seventy days to live.
“Where is the knight now?” I couldn’t help but asking this question.
“Oh, I don’t know. But somehow I think I’d see him before my dying day. Somehow I knew he would be here. I knew I would see his face again before I leave this world.”
The queen smiled. Her face was peaceful and childlike. She took out a black and white picture, the background was Venice Italy. She was wearing a black dress, and her knight held her so tight, he was handsome, young and determined. She was happy, fragile and gorgeous.
I took the picture from her, and under the sunlight beaming through the window I could sense why the knight fell for her and then left her. I knew all too well for I felt that I’ve lived such a similar life like the queen. I knew now why the man I loved decided to leave me. Or maybe as an outsider, I would never know what went through the knight’s head when he announced that he was leaving her for the second time, just like deep down I really wouldn’t know why the man I loved decide to take off as well. We all only entitled to have our own opinions, and history may not ever be uncovered had we only heard one side of the story.
I decided that I would wait until the knight showed up, and I decided that I would stay with the queen during her dying days. She seemed to be such a wise lady, and she seemed to have experienced so much trauma in her short yet glorious life, I wanted to take notes from her.
That night when I felt asleep
next to the queen, it was the first time I didn’t cry for the lost of my
love. For I knew everything happened for a reason, and maybe it was
really for the best that he had left me, for I wasn’t going to be the one
with any regrets or guilt. I’ve done everything I possible
could to love him except for changing myself completely. Like the
queen, I knew love does find its way. In the end, love still conquers
all.