Stairway to Heaven by Led Zepplin There I was again. In my bathrobe. It had been for days. I didn't care if I got out and didn't care if anyone came in. The dishes, laundry, catbox, groceries and housework were all ignored. My hair uncombed and my teeth not brushed. WHO cared? This is the depression. I knew it and yet could do nothing about it. I began cancelling work. I knew my mind and body were moving too slow. I told everyone I was sick. Wasn't that the truth?? I took to bed. It was my comfort zone. My husband became worried and my children were ignored by me. What is wrong with mom, they wondered? I cried so much and did nothing. I was not the vivacious lady they knew and loved. I began the migrane headaches again. No doctor could take those away. Only pain pills, which made me take to my bed even more. This was my life for 1 year. I finally decided to see a psychiatrist. He perscribed prozac while being put on a couple of years of psycological treatment as well. One and a half hour of reflection on my life and he thought he knew all the answers. The prozac took forever to work. Raise the dose, lower the dose, raise the dose again. Meanwhile, I was faithful in speakiing with my therapist.I was now on the highest dose possible. 80 mg of prozac. When I came out of the depression, I became too happy. They all thought it was because of past issues dealt with at this point. But I know myself...and things weren't right. No one is THAT happy. I still had my days because of my past,but not as bad.They re-evaluated me, as though I was an experimental lab rat. The final diagnosis was Manic-Depression. Bipolar is what they call it now. So we don't sound like someone in "One Who Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest." I had all the signs of mania now... Not sleeping, not eating, irritability, high moods, drug use (legal or not), promiscuity, overspending, thoughts racing in my head, rapid speech, increased energy, difficulty concentrating and inflated self-esteem. I also have the creative side of the illness...which is the only good thing I can say about it. Without that I think I would be shattered. He put me on a mood stabilizing drug.It is called Depakote. I started on a low dose. Not enough. Raise the dose. Not enough. Raise the dose. Meanwhile,everytime he raised the dose, I needed a blood test. Well, here I was on this Depakote and Prozac and they never worked. It was frustrating because they took me off Prozac and waited to start anything new, as it takes that medicine awhile to leave the body. Weren't they supposed to know it all? Wasn't there a huge magic pill that would cure me and make me normal ALL the time? Why was this happening to me? Why was it happening now? A chemical imbalance in my brain they all said. It was triggered by many things. NOT CURABLE. It would have been easier to have been diagnosed with cancer, then maybe I'd have a fighting chance of being o.k. I have been through many tests and trials of medications. Lithium, effexor, elavil, pamelar. Sleeping pills so I get my rest...Ambien, Risperdal and trazadone. Right now I am on a combination of the newer pill nuerontin, mixed with depakote and risperdal to help me get my zzzz's, which I don't want anyway. I still don't feel I'm between those 2 poles. He assures me, we will find whats right for me. He says I am a diffucult case and that makes me feel no better going down this yellow brick road. Update:October 24, 1998...The doctor changed my medications AGAIN. the last mixture wasn't working.(What's new?)So now they are trying to balance me with depakote, zyprexa and trazadone. Klonopin for when I feel that surge inside, Either to sleep or either to take the edge off. These seem to be working better, but not quite right yet either...They say to give it some time.I guess their sense of time is different than mine... Update:March 8, 1999...So for the last 3 months, they were still trying, for the last month I have been on Serezone (another anti-depressent) It finally is working. For the first time in 3, almost 4 years I feel like myself. Holly, here you are, where have you been for so long? Have I finally reached the top of the stairway??? Back to the Yellow Brick Road Background courtesy of: Hawkeye's Land of Backgrounds
I took to bed. It was my comfort zone. My husband became worried and my children were ignored by me. What is wrong with mom, they wondered? I cried so much and did nothing. I was not the vivacious lady they knew and loved. I began the migrane headaches again. No doctor could take those away. Only pain pills, which made me take to my bed even more. This was my life for 1 year.
I finally decided to see a psychiatrist. He perscribed prozac while being put on a couple of years of psycological treatment as well. One and a half hour of reflection on my life and he thought he knew all the answers. The prozac took forever to work. Raise the dose, lower the dose, raise the dose again. Meanwhile, I was faithful in speakiing with my therapist.I was now on the highest dose possible. 80 mg of prozac.
When I came out of the depression, I became too happy. They all thought it was because of past issues dealt with at this point. But I know myself...and things weren't right. No one is THAT happy. I still had my days because of my past,but not as bad.They re-evaluated me, as though I was an experimental lab rat. The final diagnosis was Manic-Depression. Bipolar is what they call it now. So we don't sound like someone in "One Who Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest."
I had all the signs of mania now... Not sleeping, not eating, irritability, high moods, drug use (legal or not), promiscuity, overspending, thoughts racing in my head, rapid speech, increased energy, difficulty concentrating and inflated self-esteem. I also have the creative side of the illness...which is the only good thing I can say about it. Without that I think I would be shattered.
He put me on a mood stabilizing drug.It is called Depakote. I started on a low dose. Not enough. Raise the dose. Not enough. Raise the dose. Meanwhile,everytime he raised the dose, I needed a blood test. Well, here I was on this Depakote and Prozac and they never worked. It was frustrating because they took me off Prozac and waited to start anything new, as it takes that medicine awhile to leave the body.
Weren't they supposed to know it all? Wasn't there a huge magic pill that would cure me and make me normal ALL the time? Why was this happening to me? Why was it happening now? A chemical imbalance in my brain they all said. It was triggered by many things. NOT CURABLE. It would have been easier to have been diagnosed with cancer, then maybe I'd have a fighting chance of being o.k.
I have been through many tests and trials of medications. Lithium, effexor, elavil, pamelar. Sleeping pills so I get my rest...Ambien, Risperdal and trazadone. Right now I am on a combination of the newer pill nuerontin, mixed with depakote and risperdal to help me get my zzzz's, which I don't want anyway. I still don't feel I'm between those 2 poles. He assures me, we will find whats right for me. He says I am a diffucult case and that makes me feel no better going down this yellow brick road.
Back to the Yellow Brick Road
Background courtesy of: Hawkeye's Land of Backgrounds
