I actually enjoyed my teaching this week for the first time in a long time. I had to have surgery a couple weeks ago and I think that was contributing to my low depression. I should know by now that any stress really plays havoc in a bipolars life, even if on stable medications. The goal to stay well would be to reduce stress as much as posssible so we stay on an even keel.Life is actually BORING now because I am used to those highs and lows, and to be just nothing is strange. To feel just nothing is weird, as a person who had FELT so much.

yesterday was rough on me, no solitude, which I greatly desire. The kids had a day off from school and my daughter had a friend sleepover for the night and stay most of the next day.They are both 9 years old and can get pretty silly with each other. more stress on me. I want to be so much like a "normal" mom, and thats why I say o.k. to these sleepovers. But they are rough on me. 2 klonopins helped me make it through so I wasn't crabby with the girls, but I could feel it coming. My son who is almost 14 likes to tease them and get them going. like I said ROUGH day. Today I am working on my web page and added a new section called "Relections in the Mirror". It is a Therapy poetry page. I wrote alot while in therapy. It helped me through thoses times that were tough.It let out the pain of going through my past, which I never dealt with, just stuffed it deep down inside myself until I exploded. There was no more room and it all just spilled out 2 and a half years ago. I still go,once every 3 weeks, to help with my bipolar. It is a relief, believe me, to have a professional help me deal with this dreaded illness.Without her I don't know where I'd be!!

"Who are you?" said the caterpillar. This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied rather shyly, "I-I hardly know, sir, just at present-at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have changed several times since then.What do you mean by that? said the caterpillar sternly. "Explain yourself!" I can't explain MYSELF, I'm afraid, sir' said Alice,"because I'm not myself , you see" I don't see said the Caterpillar. I'm afraid I can't put it more clearly. Alice repled very politely, "for I can't understand it myself to begin with, and being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing." "It isn't," said the Caterpillar. "well, perhaps you haven't found it so yet," said Alice."but when you have to turn into a chrysalis--you will someday, you know--and then after that into a butterfly, I should think you'll feel a little , won't you? "Not a bit said the Caterpillar. "Well, perhaps your feelings may be different" said Alice, "all I know is, it would feel very to ME." "YOU! said the Caterpillar contemptuously. "Who are YOU?" Which brought them back to the beginning of the conversation. Alice felt a little iritated at the Caterpillar making such very short remarks, and she drew herself up and said, very gravely, I think, you ought to tell me who YOU are, first." "Why?" said the Caterpillar. Here was another puzzling question; and as Alice could not think of any good reason, and as the Caterpillar seemed to be in a VERY unpleasent state of mind, she turned away. "Come back!" the Caterpillar called after her. "I've something important to say!" This sounded promising, certainly; Alice turned and came back again."keep your temper,"said the Caterpillar.......

Part of Alice in Wonderland, Chapter 5, by Lewis Carrol.

I really feel like this touches me in what bipolar feels like.We can change from day to day, or minute by minute. Never reaching a middle ground sometimes.Not understanding. I think the Caterpiller sounds like our psychitrists. Not understanding us either...Not knowing us no matter how hard they try. Unless they have been in our shoes, walking our path, they will never know.I wonder if Lewis Carrol was bipolar in being able to write such a story???

I feel nothing today. How can you feel nothing ,when there is everything to feel? I ran out of some medications over the week-end, didn't think that couple days could make such a difference in my mood. Was I wrong.Back on again today.We'll see what happens inside my head.I have no energy.It feels like being stuck. Stuck in time.Never moving, moving hurts.So I guess I just won't move today...

What a difference a day can make! I started nuerontin and am back on my depakote after running out.I have my support group to look forward to tonight. I feel wonderful inside and am moving again.UNSTUCK!!!We are going on a trip to visit my parents for thanksgiving and I am really looking forward to that. My daughter can't wait. She is 9 and LOVES her Grandma.I am glad I am UP for the trip....

This is how I feel. Like Charlie Brown,skating on thin ice,knowing I'm going to fall, disconnected from everyone,a loner, a misfit, feelings of not belonging yet there are my friends reaching out to me....waiting to hold my hand if I'd just let them. Thats hard, letting people reach out to me. I am a loner by nature, bipolar or not, that is me.Which came first, the chicken or the egg??? Christmas is not a good time for me, never has been, too many bad memories, but I am trying to put them all behind me now. Leave it in the past where it belongs. I think I'll be o.k.....If I just get up and skate...

This is me. The stockings are not hung by a chimney we don't have, yet the tree stands lighted and decorated, christmas cards out, Presents wrapped, Wreaths hung.....I don't bake.Kids opening gifts tonight, as we are traveling to my parents tomorrow morning to spend Christmas with the family.Don't feel like packing today, but must be done. Why is it that there is always something that MUST be done? I want those musts to go away....than maybe I wouldn't be so dog tired...

This is the day. I did it. I officially quit my teaching job. The Knots flew out of my stomach and the depression lifted. I got a real good replacement teacher for the students. I felt alot of guilt if I didn't have someone for them so they can continue with their same schedule and as little change as possible. This has been eating away at me since October as you all know if you've kept up with my journal. Some of the parents weren't surprised at all, and some asked if I'd ever be coming back. I've had some of these students for 7 years and it was some of the hardest phone calls I had to make in my life, but each call got easier. Alot said they'd miss me, and that made me feel really good inside. Like I WAS worth something, even though I didn't feel like it inside. I have applied for a less stressful job, partime at the newspaper. Not having to run my own business is a HUGE load off my mind. What a wonderful way to start the new year. I needed this to lift the depression off my shoulders. I am strong. I will survive. I have battled so much, I feel bipolars are one of the strongest people on earth. We've been through so much!!!!Happy New Year To You All!!

Today was rough. The depression lifting was short lived. Suicidal today. Called my Psycologist, my lifeline, to get me through this crisis.They put me on another antidepressent, to add to all my other colorful medications. It takes 7-10 days for this one to work. OH, great. Like always. Elizabeth gave me the 24 hour crisis phone number in case I needed help. I have used that number before and they talk you through it all. Just after talking to her I feel somewhat better, but there is an underlying sadness and grief. They can't take that away with talk. Only medicines will take away the suicidal thoughts. I think of my family and kids and that usually stops me from going through with it. If it is too severe even that won't work.I applied for 2 more jobs since this depression hit. A pharmacy clerk, part time and a full time job with paid vacations and holidays. Working with computers like a secretary job. I don't feel up to the full time job and I REALLY hope they don't call me. I need to start small and then see what the meds do!The tears inside me today are stuffed, because I cannot cry.

Febuary 17, 1999

It has been a long time since I wrote. A long time since I've done anything! The drugs they gave me in Jan. did nothing but give me headaches. So they started me on Serezone last week. working my way up to the right doses. It feels like it is starting to work already, as I actually cleaned some of my house yesterday. Which was a giant leap for me. I overdid it. My body doesn't like me today.Maybe the chains that have been around me are finally coming unraveled.....Do I dare get my hopes up?

Today is slow, then fast.I was the only parent that showed up at school to watch the quiz bowl finals that my son was in, there should have been 20 parents there. But at least we all got a pizza party, and I have known his science teacher for 13 years. He was really disappointed at the lack of commitment on the parents and students part, as they had to forfeit alot of games during the quiz bowl. My son's team won. I was glad I was there.All the effort he put into these games, it just isn't fair, to have a teacher who cares so much, and have others who care so little.I know the feeling, when I was teaching piano, all the effort I put in and lack of commitment from the students to practice, and then for the parents to get them to their lesson, I was losing money. I am so glad to be reminded what a pain in the ass it all was. Will I ever go back? that remains to be seen.....

Hello again, It has been a long time. I have been manic for three weeks, there were slight ups and downs, but, man, this was so out of control. talking fast, bitchy, overspending again, worked for 3 days straight on my website adding music. life was spinning fast, I was applying for jobs all over the place that I knew I couldn't handle once the crash came. But at the time I felt on top of the world and could handle anything!! Then stress built up, physical problems, migranes, kids, bills....oh no..falling, crashing, no one understands. crying on my bed, rocking back and forth with tears of inner greif that could not be stopped. The price I paid was too high. Suicide thoughts. Damn, I knew this would happen. It lasted for like 3 days. The first day, I was so rapid cycling I thought I would die. The last week I've been down...If I had a ladder for every fall then maybe I could just climb right back up again to the top. And not let the ladder stand alone with nothing to balance it on...

It has been four months. I read the journal again and was shocked I haven't kept it current. For the most part, the reason is, I'm doing so well. All my meds work. (I do get sleepy with them). I also find myself bored really easily lately. I guess I really do miss those manic days. The kids are much older and take care of themselves and get along better than before. I have nothing to do. I worked at the casino for about 2 weeks then quit, as my supervisor was an asshole that just yelled all the time and was a bitch and life is too short to work in that environment. I have decided to go back to teaching, as I am stronger now. MY mental health is doing great. I will begin in September, right after school starts. That is the reason I'm so bored, I need a job, I need my old job that I enjoyed for 7 years. I feel the excitement coming back for starting fresh, yet with the same studentss who were delighted to be coming back to me. I will get new ones, as I do every year when placing an ad in the paper. Life sure has changed. I have my doctors to thank for that, I also have myself to thank, as I am strong, and I'm not going to let this thing take me down anymore. I have overcome and will always strive to be the best I can be with this thing called bipolar....