Ticket to Ride-By The Beatles The Psychiatric Hotline Hello. Welcome to the psychiatric hotline. If you are obsessisive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependent, ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, please listen carefully. A little voice will tell you which number to push. If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press--no one will answer. If you are manic-depressive, please press 7 as fast as you can for the next 24 hours, and then crash for the following 24 hours. Thank you for calling the mental health phone line. What is Normal? Diagnosis criteria for NPD: Normal Person Disorder 1. A chronic feeling of normalness. 2. A tendency to bore others easily. 3. A nagging sense of constantly meeting one's goal. 4. Lack of difficulty getting organized. 5. Inability to be humorous 6. Knowing how to count without forgetting what number you are up to. 7. An inability to be creative and intuitive, no seat of pants to fly by. 8. Highly stimulated by lectures, speeches, dead cockroaches and other normals 9. An unbroken remote control. 10. A To-Do list which gets done 11. A chronic interest in each or any of the following for more than one week: a. Job b. Relationship c. Schedule d. Patience e. Passing grades f. Sex g. Normals 12. A methodical nature 13. Affectionately known as "Bump on a log" or "Nytol Substitute" By Marvin Wilson The Top Seven Ways to Get Dr._________To Have You Committed 1. Ask him to explain object relations theory in 25 words or less 2. One word: Flirt 3. "Do you ever hear voices that other people don't hear?" 4. Take a large handful of xanax; ask if he wanted one 5. "So what do YOU do when you feel uncontrollable rage?" 6. Tell him your hourly rates; ask if he knows about his insurance coverage 7. Speak entirely in movie quotes Thoughts.... If someone with multiple personality disorder tries to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they are doing "practice?" I'm only paranoid because everyone is out to get me. Two analysts pass each other in the hall. One says "Hello." The other thinks, "I wonder what he meant by that? Schizophrenia beats being alone... Out of my mind. Back in 5 minutes. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. I used to be indesicive. Now I'm not sure. Hypochondria is the only illness I don't have. Psychiatrist to his nurse...Just say were very busy, don't keep saying "It's a madhouse." Nueroticcs build castles in the sky, psychotics live in them, psychiatrists collect rent. Jokes... A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half!?" The doctor enquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself!" Patient #1 replies, "What?! And work in the dark?!" - Thanks to P. Hodgson (aka Cyber Sally) - From the Psychology Humor Page by Eric M. Baim *** Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change. *** Secretary to psychologist: "Doctor, there is a patient here who thinks he is invisible." Psycologist: "Tell him I can't see him right now" *** There are three guys going through an exit interview at a mental hospital. The doctor says he can release them if they can answer the simple mathematical problem: What is 8 times 5? The first patient says, "139." The second one says, "Wednesday." The third says, "What a stupid question. It's obvious: The answer is 40." The doctor is delighted. He gives the guy his release. As the man is leaving, the doctor asks how he came up with the correct answer so quickly. "It was easy, Doc. I just divided Wednesday into 139." *** What is the difference betweeen a phycchiatrist and a psychologist? If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother", he will ask why do you say that? While a psychologist will say,"Thank you for sharing that." More Humor...Is Santa Suffering From Bipolar? BACK TO THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD
If you are obsessisive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, please listen carefully. A little voice will tell you which number to push.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press--no one will answer.
If you are manic-depressive, please press 7 as fast as you can for the next 24 hours, and then crash for the following 24 hours.
Thank you for calling the mental health phone line.
1. A chronic feeling of normalness. 2. A tendency to bore others easily. 3. A nagging sense of constantly meeting one's goal. 4. Lack of difficulty getting organized. 5. Inability to be humorous 6. Knowing how to count without forgetting what number you are up to. 7. An inability to be creative and intuitive, no seat of pants to fly by. 8. Highly stimulated by lectures, speeches, dead cockroaches and other normals 9. An unbroken remote control. 10. A To-Do list which gets done 11. A chronic interest in each or any of the following for more than one week: a. Job b. Relationship c. Schedule d. Patience e. Passing grades f. Sex g. Normals 12. A methodical nature 13. Affectionately known as "Bump on a log" or "Nytol Substitute"
By Marvin Wilson
2. One word: Flirt
3. "Do you ever hear voices that other people don't hear?"
4. Take a large handful of xanax; ask if he wanted one
5. "So what do YOU do when you feel uncontrollable rage?"
6. Tell him your hourly rates; ask if he knows about his insurance coverage
7. Speak entirely in movie quotes
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they are doing "practice?"
I'm only paranoid because everyone is out to get me.
Two analysts pass each other in the hall. One says "Hello." The other thinks, "I wonder what he meant by that?
Schizophrenia beats being alone...
Out of my mind. Back in 5 minutes.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I used to be indesicive. Now I'm not sure.
Hypochondria is the only illness I don't have.
Psychiatrist to his nurse...Just say were very busy, don't keep saying "It's a madhouse."
Nueroticcs build castles in the sky, psychotics live in them, psychiatrists collect rent.
- Thanks to P. Hodgson (aka Cyber Sally) - From the Psychology Humor Page by Eric M. Baim
***
Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.
Secretary to psychologist: "Doctor, there is a patient here who thinks he is invisible." Psycologist: "Tell him I can't see him right now" ***
What is the difference betweeen a phycchiatrist and a psychologist? If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother", he will ask why do you say that? While a psychologist will say,"Thank you for sharing that." More Humor...Is Santa Suffering From Bipolar?
BACK TO THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD
