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Though the eyes of a fan
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Hello, my name is Rachel Crawford.
I'm 19 years old and I am an obsessed Backstreet Boys fan. Some might call
me crazy...some might call me immature. But it's true...I am in love with
five guys whom I've never met and yet I can still manage to find a place
in my heart for them. Strange realities I guess...but it's my reality.
Just sit back, relax, and enter my world...the world of a fan.
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Like every other fan my heart skips
a beat when I hear them on the radio, see them on TV, or watch them live
in concert. But what makes a real fan? Everyday I question myself on that
topic. How do I know if I'm what they would call "the perfect fan"? Sometimes
I wonder if it's all worth it. Is it worth all the heartaches and pain
when something happens. Is it really worth it? My answer everytime...always
and forever yes.
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The Backstreet Boys aren't just a group
of singers to me. They are the big brothers I never had. They're my reason
for living. Call me crazy if you want...but it's true. One of the best
things about being a fan is that special connection you have with your
favorite member of the group. A connection that only you can share with
him and him alone. Every fan might get those same butterflies in the stomach
feeling when you see him smile at you or sing that one note in your favorite
song. But the connection you have with him is something that only you could
know.
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Everytime I look at Brian, I can't
help but smile. He always make me smile. Whenever I've had a bad day, all
I have to do is take a look at his picture and I feel that everything is
going to be okay again. I carry with him everywhere I go. I carry my key
chain of him everywhere I go. Whether I'm driving or taking a walk, he's
always with me. You might ask me why I feel so connected to Brian. Well,
let me tell you the story. I too, like Brian, was born with a weak heart.
I've been through several surgeries and not one of them was easy for me.
I would always get discouraged with my self when even a simple step would
be a struggle for me. Heart surgery is never an easy thing to go through,
but when you know that someone else knows what it's like to be you, you
begin to think that maybe there's hope in the world. When I learned that
Brian was going through the same things that I was, I began to feel much
better about my situation and reminded myself that if he could do it...so
could I. Brian has been my lifeline for since my very first surgery...September
3, 1998...less that 4 months after Brian had his. I remember feeling so
scared...but I kept my room filled with pictures of Brian and the boys
and each day grew easier.
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Another thing that I love about being
a fan is buying merchandise. I laugh at how much stuff I have. You name
it...I've got it. From key chains, to posters, to books, to CDs, and T-shirts.
I've got it all. The amount of money the boys have made from me is overwhelming.
Back in high school my friends would always laugh at me and tell me what
I was crazy for buying all their merchandise. But I never cared. I continued
buying everything in site. I keep all my stuff in very good condition by
keeping them in a very large plastic box. Every now and then I'll take
everything out and look at what I have. All my posters and special edition
magazines are protected with sheet covers, my books are all neatly stacked
so they don't get bent, my concert pictures are all arranged neatly in
the order that I took them. Looking at my stuff definitely makes me feel
good. I know it's a lot of money to spend on just five guys...but I never
care. If it's makes me smile...it's all worth it.
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There's a time when every fan must
let go of the love of their life...I've had to do that. My heart broke
when I heard the words come out of Brian's mouth..."I'm engaged to be married."
I never knew how badly that would hurt. Don't get me wrong, I have always
loved Leighanne. She's a total sweetheart (at least she was when I met
her). I have always supported the boys and their loved ones. I would never
want anything but for Brian to be happy. Nothing means more to me than
that. But just hearing those words come out of his mouth made me feel a
little sad. I now knew that he was never going to be mine. I always knew,
but a small part of me wished it were possible. I think every fan thinks
about those things from time to time. It was very hard for me to adjust
to Brian being a married man. Now it doesn't bother me. When I see him
with Leighanne and see how happy he is, I can't help but smile. He's happy...and
that's all that matters. I still love him as much as I ever did...maybe
even more. All Brian has to do stay his sweet self and I will never turn
my back on. It's that simple.
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I think one of the hardest things about
being a fan is the ridicule you get from others. Not just from non BSB
fans, but BSB fans themselves. Fans who set themselves on a pedestal and
look down on others. Not only do I have a heart condition, but I am over
75% deaf. Naturally it's harder for me to learn the words to the songs.
As much as it pains me to be at a concert and see all the other fans while
I stand there swaying to the music. It makes me feel as if I'm in a small
box away from everyone else. I've had several fans make fun of me for that
reason. They tell me I'm not a real fan because I don't know all the words
to their songs. It's not my fault. My best friend sometimes gives me a
hard time about my hearing, but it's all in fun and I would never hold
it against her. I know she's just joking, but when it comes from someone
else...it sometimes hurts. So what if I can't always understand they're
singing or saying....that doesn't make me any less of a fan.
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I'm a writer also. So yeah I write
fan fics. Some fans have a problem with my work...but you can't please
everyone. Freedom of speech is the only thing I remind them of. They can't
ridicule me for my work. It's mine, not theirs. I've been a fan for over
four years now and I am still going strong. I don't think there will ever
be a time where I wouldn't be a fan. I love them too much to give up that
easily. Not everyone understands that, but that's their problem...not mine.
I will always support them. Never will I give up. I refuse to be like some
friends and only like one member of the group and make fun of the rest.
I refuse to think Nick is fat, or Kevin is too old, or Howie is ugly, or
AJ is too wild, or Brian is too innocent. They're all five different men
with different lifestyles...but when they open their mouths and sing...all
those differences just sort of disappear. They're no longer individuals...they're
a team. And that's the way it should be.
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Some people ask me...what are you going
to do if they break up? Well, I can't say that I wouldn't be sad because
that would be a lie. Yes, I would be upset, but you know what? They will
never die in my heart. As long as I keep listening to their music I will
never forget them. I would never throw any of my merchandise because they
hold too much sentimental value to me for me to just throw them away. If
the time would come for them to break up...I would just wipe away the sad
tears and say farewell boys. If they split their ways and made solo albums,
would I buy them....you bet I would. To me they'll always be my boys. Whether
together or apart...they'll still hold a place in my heart. Like I said
before...call me crazy if you want. But welcome to my world...now you've
seen what it's like...through the eyes of a fan.
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Rachel Crawford- BsbRule247@aol.com
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