“Oh, where. Oh, where. Can my baby be? The Lord took her away from me. She’s gone to heaven so I’ve got to be good. So I can see my baby when I leave this world.”

    I sat there, disguised by the darkness of the night and reflecting the sadness of the moon. While cold tears pricked my cheeks I let the chilly air of late November hit my face, making my eyes burn and my heart hurt even more. That night was the one-year-anniversary of her death, but it hurt just as much as it did a year ago. I reached the bottle at my side and took a big sip of the bitter liquid as the memories flashed in my mind.

“We were out on a date, on my dad’s car. We hadn’t driven very far.”

    It was her birthday and I wanted it to be special. I had recently discovered that she was the love of my life, the future mother of my children. And I intended to tell her that very night. I had planned a nice little dinner at a quiet beach. The beach was her favorite place ever.

“There on the road, straight ahead, a car was stalled, the engine was dead. I couldn’t stop, so I swerved to the right...”

    I was driving, making small talk while we didn’t reach our destination. I was, as usual, laughing at some lame joke she had told. Suddenly I saw a car parked on the road. Probably a flat tire. I tried to stop but the distance wouldn’t permit. The road on my left side was busy, so in instinct I swerved to the right. What I didn’t expect was that hole on the road....

“I’ll never forget the sound that night. The screaming tires, the broken glass, the painful scream that I heard last.”

    I couldn’t control the car. The breaks wouldn’t work and the wheel wouldn’t rotate. I grabbed her hand and prayed for the best. I’ll never forget when my hand was pulled away and I lost her forever. I thought I would die on the spot when I heard that terrible noise. It seemed like an explosion. I could hear the glass breaking and I could feel it slashing my flesh, but I went numb when I heard IT. She was screaming from the unbearable pain and I couldn’t do a thing. I don’t know how long I was laying there just hearing her cries of agony before everything went black.

“Oh, where. Oh, where. Can my baby be? The Lord took her away from me. She’s gone to heaven so I’ve got to be good. So I can see my baby when I leave this world.”

    Back at the present time I could feel the big droplets of rain hitting my face, mixing with my tears of sorrow and hurt. I didn’t mind though. To me, it was a sign that she knew I was hurting and was watching over me. I heard thunder and decided to go inside. Entering the house everything made me remember her. Her smell had long faded, but the memories were still intact. Picking up a picture of her, so beautiful and full of life, my mind once again took me to that tragic night when I lost the best thing that’ll ever happen to me.

“When I woke up the rain was pouring down. There were people standing all around. Something warm going through my eyes. But somehow I found my baby that night.”

    The black surrounded me but I could feel the rain in my face. Slowly I opened my eyes. People were rushing around, trying to keep the curious eyes back. I became frantic when I realized what had happened. I tried to get up, but a horrible pain shot up my arm. I laid down again but the fear of losing her made me lose all senses and ignoring the pain I stood up, despite the protests of the paramedic whom was taking care of my injuries. I began to yell her name, but got no answer. I looked around and my heart fell, as well as my tears, from what I saw. There, lying on the ground, unmoving, was my love in the arms of a stranger who was trying to keep her alive. In a flash I was at her side ignoring the agonizing pain and the annoying trace of blood going down my face.

“I lifted her head. She looked at me and said, ‘hold me darling just a little while’. I held her close I kissed her our last kiss. I found the love that I knew I would miss.”

    I took her hand. She stirred lightly and moaned my name. I assured her it was me. She tried to say something but it came out as a whisper, which the noise didn’t allow me to listen. I leaned in closer to her mouth and she said it again. Time seemed to stop as I heard her. This time I understood what she said, and what she meant. She asked me to hold her. That was her way of telling me she loved me and would miss me, and only God knew how much I would miss her too. I knew she was leaving and so did she. You know that expression ‘the heart is breaking’? Well, I never truly understood the meaning of that till that moment. I literally felt it breaking. My chest ached and I had trouble breathing.
    My trembling hand reached to stroke her cheek. And although in normal circumstances I would have loved the feeling of her skin under my fingers, now it hurt. Like a burning sensation that begins at the pit of the stomach and ends up in a horrible scream, for I knew it was the last time I would do that in this lifetime. I wanted to scream, to beat something or someone, but instead I cried harder and held her tighter.
    I looked into her eyes and soul. Gosh, how I would miss those caring eyes. I moved my head closer to hers, our eyes never breaking contact. Our lips brushed in a soft kiss, but certainly the most expressive of our entire relationship. We stayed there, locked in a bittersweet kiss until I saw her closing her eyes and felt her drifting away.
    The doctors pulled me away from her and I watched as they helpless tried to bring her back. I fell to my knees, my legs too weak to support me. I didn’t know what to do. What to feel. I was lost and never had I felt more alone in my whole life. I looked at the sky and felt a light breeze. Suddenly I wasn’t alone anymore. I was in peace, for I knew she would be looking over me.

“And now she’s gone. Even though I held her tight. I lost my love, my life that night. Oh, where. Oh, where. Can my baby be? The Lord took her away from me. She’s gone to heaven so I’ve got to be good. So, I can see my baby when I leave this world.”

    Now in our old bedroom I let another set of quiet tears trace their way to my chin. It hurt so much to even think about it. I had thought time after time of doing what I was about to do. I couldn’t take it anymore. All the pressures of adult life and no one to understand me, no one I could turn to. I took another sip of the whisky and took a deep breath. My trembling hand moved up to my other wrist. The blazer dangerously close to my flesh. I was almost there, I swear. I had thought about it so much. I would be close to her, my love, my life. I felt it connect with my skin, but before I could move it I felt it again. That same breeze I felt a year ago. I looked at the closed window and knew it was her. She was telling me it wasn’t my time. Somehow I listened to her and dropped the blazer. I couldn’t take it anymore. But if she wanted me to stay I would. I couldn’t hold the tears back anymore and I didn’t. I felt my body shake with the sobs. I let out all my anger and sorrow and hurt and agony. I couldn’t, I wouldn’t make it without her. I needed her in my life. Or else I would have no life. As this thought crossed my mind I felt strong, yet caring and gentle arms wrap me. I felt protected and once again in peace, but this time I knew it would last more than a month. I finally understood it. She was gone. I wasn’t. I would meet her again some time later, but right now I had to live my life. I had to let go. It hurt, a lot. Maybe even more than losing her. But I had to do it. And I decided I would. Not for my friends, my family, not even for her, but for myself. But all in all, I knew I had a lot of damage control to do. I had to get my life back. Slowly, yet surely I got up and left the bedroom. I made my way to the living room and pick up the phone and dialed the numbers I wouldn’t forget... ever. It began to ring.
    “Hello.” A voice said.
    “Hi.... mom.”