_ This is a real e-mail I recieved from a dear friend of mine. It all happened. Christmas is not all joy and happiness! ALWAYS look over your shoulder.

    Unless you know me, you're probably going to be scared to death of me after reading this -- Actually some of you that DO know me may think I'm even crazier than before as well. Anyways,We all go a lil' crazie... sometimes.

    Christmas is on it's way and we all know Santa has his little evil elves helping him constantly. Don't you think they get a little bitter? I mean, these poor lil' guys work their asses off 364 days a year and Rush around on Christmas Eve so that big fat guy can crawl into his slay and plop down chimenies all night while they've done all the hard work. I'd be a little pissed off, wouldn't you? Well, I think these lil' guys have finally had enough and are planning on taking it out on us. Yes,that's right. . .US. You see, we're the reason they've had to work so hard...espessially the greedier ones of us, like me.

Our long 5 page letters to Santa caused them to have to work extra hard to keep us spoiled brats happie, and those lil elves are pissed lil cookies. Now you're probably thinking, "She seems pretty knowlegable on the situation at hand, but has she ever actually seen these lil elves?". Well, I haven't seen them but the lil goobers are EVERYWHERE. I'll keep you up to date on the sightings, but here are just a few. . .

    I have just experienced something I wished never to experience. As I was sitting in my bathroom minding my own business, I heard a strang noise coming from the wall. I leaned in closer to it and it sounded like some strange whispering and banging on the pipes. I began to think, Mice? Rats? Eww,no. There's no possible way. Afterall, this
is MY house and I wouldn't allow for that. Plus,what kinda mouse or rat whispers? That's just crazie. I continued thinking, maybe it was just water draining? But no, for water doesn't whisper or carry little hammers to bang
on the pipes with. So, I finally came to the conclusion that there was nothing else it could be...except the elves. We've all seen the books, the movies, heard the stories of the little elves carrying around their little handy dandy hammers. They were plotting their attack upon me, I knew it. And I knew I had to do something about it. I began brainstorming what I could do. I could runaway, but it was below zero outside and I was in shorts and a tank top. I could have called the police, but what if they were friends with the elves? I was panicking, when finally I decided there was but one thing to do, run water and drown them and pray that none would survive. It was cruel, but it was the only thing to do. You would have done it to if you were in my place. So, I began running water into the sink until I thought I had ran enuff. I waited a little bit,then leaned in close to the wall again and heard that the elves had quit whispering and there were no more hammers banging on the pipes. I felt good, I had conquered the little guys in tights and I wouldn't have to take any further action or put any other lives in danger. I thought I was done with them, so I went to bed and went on with my life.

    Like I said earlier, I thought I was through with these little guys and although I knew I had killed them, I still worried that they would come back. I sat quietly in the back of the classroom with my friends,talking of our recent six day vacation we were coming back from when I heard the same framiliar banging of hammers. The whispers weren't there this time, yet I was still afraid. I looked up at the heating duck that was showing in the ceiling due to a
missing tile. Rowena looked up to,then looked back at me and gave me one of those "What the hell?" looks. I shrugged, not wanting to tell her what I knew just yet with everyone else around. I didn't know how they would handle the idea of little elves in green and red tights coming to attack us. I sat in my chair the rest of the 10 minute News show nervously, continuously looking up to ensure that I was safe and they were not coming out of the ducks,yet. When the show ended I quickly got out of my chair and rushed for the door, If they were going to hop out of the heating ducks, I didn't want to be there to see it. When I reached the locker room, I shared with Rowena what I had been experiencing. She laffed, I'm sure that was only because she was too scared to do anything else. After I changed I went out to the gym and sat in my usual spot for roll. We walked a few laps and then we were to play basketball.

The elves couldn't get me if I was out in the middle of the court shooting hoops,right? WRONG! I was having a bit of a problem controlling the ball, at first I thought it was because I hadn't been playin ball much lately, but then when my shooting began to suck -- I knew what it had to be. I held the ball up to my ear and whaddaya know,the same framiliar whispering. I threw the ball away. I couldn't live like this. Weena looked at me, she knew what I had just heard for she was holding a ball up to her ear as well. Mattie tried to convince me I was crazy or hearing ghosts in the drain pipes...I know it's neither of those. It's the elves, I'm tellin ya!

    Just when you think  you've encountered the worse,something even more horrid happens. School was released
early on this cold wintery day and naturally,I was happy. Our bus made it safely to my house without falling in the ditch, I was even more happy because I wasn't dressed warm enough to walk back to the school or to my house. I walked up my driveway (Mind you it isn't exactly short, but not extremely long.) without falling on my ass, Happy again. I reached the sidewalk that lead to the house and did okay for two steps then BOOM.
    I had managed to slip on a patch of ice that was right before you reached the little wooden bridge .(We ave sidewalk,then this bridge, then more sidewalk,then wooden porch,then home.) I bumped my cute little head on the bridge and put my right arm down to catch myself,which didn't help. I sat there for a minute and wiggled my arm and right leg to make sure nothing was broken, then got up.

There was only one thing that could have caused that ice. The day before I had went out for 35 minutes shuveling off all the snow and ice, I wouldn't have missed that spot. Those damned elves saw me coming and spit all over the sidewalk and with the cold temperatures,of course it froze. I'm begining to hate living like this. . .something must be done.

    My mother woke me up about 30 minutes ago,for quite some time I laid in bed thinking. Something came to me as I lay there. As you may or may not know, last year we had quite a problem with the Leprechauns. They always f-cked up everything. This year it's elves. What will next year bring us? The Leprechauns were easy to dispose of and I think with some stratigically set plans the Elves will prove to be a small challenge. But what if each year it gets harder and harder to rid ourselves of these evil things that come to attack our lives? What if next year it's the reindeer? or Frosty the snowman? or Maybe the easter bunny? Or Heck, Maybe even Santa Clause himself?

I know I should be focusing on the Elves right now, and worry about the future when it is the present but how can I not think about this? The elves have taken over my life. I find it hard to concentrate without them entering my thoughts.

    Also, another thought that came to me late last night as I was trying to get to sleep -- Disney recently came out with a Made For TV Movie called "The Ultimate Christmas Present". In this movie there are 7 foot tall elves. WTF am I going to do if those suckers come at me? I'm only 5'5" I CANNOT take on 7 foot tall monsters with hammers in Green and Red tights. I'm deffinetly going to have to get some taller help for this. *Sigh*

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    If you have any sightings of the Elves, PLEASE Contact me by clicking here. Please be sure to inform me as to where you were, what you were doing, where THEY were, what THEYwere doing, and what THEY were wearing. (Yes, I AM quite infactuated with the fact that they were green and red tights. If I find out differently I'll be crushed,so Please, Lie.) I cannot stress to you enough how important this is. If they begin popping up in other places, other than Oak Grove, we're in Big Trouble.