The religious horse There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?" The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop." Not paying much attetion, the man says, "Sure, ok." So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!" Finally he remembers, "Amen!!" The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God." REPENT AND THIN NO MORE It seems that there was a little old church out in the countryside: painted white and with a high steeple. One Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church needed painting. He checked out the Sunday ads and found a paint sale. The next day, he went into town and bought a gallon of white paint. He went back out to the church and began the job. He got done with the first side. It was looking great. But he noticed he had already used a half gallon. He didn't want to run back in town and being the creative person that he was, he found a gallon of thinner in the shed out back, and began to thin his paint. It worked out great. He finished the remaining three sides with that last half gallon of paint. That night, it rained: it rained hard. The next morning when he stepped outside of the parsonage to admire his work, he saw that the first side was looking great, but that the paint on the other three sides had washed away. The pastor looked up in sky in anguish and cried out, "What shall I do?" A voice came back from the heavens saying, "Repaint, and thin no more!" Car just broke down A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available. Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed. Nun: I think that would be okay. They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold. Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night. Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket. Signs seen near church The following are actual signs found on church property. "No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace." "Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!" "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins." "Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!" An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets." "Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons-come hear one!" A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed." "Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!" " "Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily." "How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Non-smoking?" "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives" "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world." "Our arms are the only ones God has to hug His children." "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin." "Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church." "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns." "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again." "This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---> (U R) "Forbidden fruit creates many jams." "In the dark? Follow the Son." "Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up." "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd." Minister Billy Graham The Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven." "I don't think I'll be there," the boy said. "You don't even know your way to the post office." Letters to the Pastor The following are actual questions written to pastors from children across the world. Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville. Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert Anderson, age 11 Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston Real advertisements 06 Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come foreward and lay an egg on the alter. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come foreward and do so. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. Adam's deal with God! ( THE RIB ) One day Adam was all alone and God noticed his loneliness and quietness. So God made him many animals and beautiful things to enjoy, but nothing seem to fill the void in Adams life.. Then one day God got an idea and thought to himself I know what I'll do for Adam, I'll make him a companion of flesh and bone just like him. So God went to Adam and told him his plan, God said he was going to make Adam a companion that would love him and cherish him, and cook him warm meals, massage him when he was tired, listen to him when he was weary, iron and wash his clothes when they were dirty, even support him when he failed. Wow! Adam said that's neat, when can I have her. like now would be ok! Then God said but there's one catch; Oh no, said Adam what is it? God said it will cost you an arm and a leg. Adam dropped his head and looked down, after a long pause he looked up and asked God what can I get for a rib? The rest is history. AND OH WHAT HE GOT? The Chihuahua Once there three male dogs who set eyes on a beautiful female poodle. They all rushed over to her. Aware of her charms, she said, "I will go out with the first one of you who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an intelligent sentence." Immediately the Lab said, "I like liver and cheese." "No imagination at all," said the poodle. Next was the muscular Rottweiler, who blurted, "I hate liver and cheese." "That's worse than the Lab," she replied. Finally a tiny Chihuahua smiled at his opponents, gave the poodle a knowing wink, and said, "Liver alone, cheese mine." The little bird in Winter A bird was flying south for Winter, but he had left too late and was frozen solid in a storm. He dropped down into a pasture of cows. The biggest, fattest cow was doing a crap there, and the bird landed in it. At first he was disgusted, until he realized the poo poo was thawing him out! He started crying out for joy as the ice melted. A cat that was nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it There are three morals to this story: 1. Not everyone who gets you into crap is your enemy 2. Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend 3. If you’re in crap, keep your mouth shut THE THING-A-MA-JIGGER : An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves. The lad asked, "What is this, father?" The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what that thing-a-ma-jigger is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls. Then the walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out. Next they saw another very old, obese and fragile looking old lady limp into the elevator They observed as the walls closed again and the lights lit up. Then a few minutes later the walls opened up and out walked a very gorgeous looking young lady.. The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Hurry Go get your mother I AM A black preacher and a white preacher went on a hillside to find out if God was black or white. The white preacher askes, "God, are you black or white"? God responds, "I Am that I Am". The white preacher says "He's white". The black preacher says, "Why do you say that"?! The white preacher says, "If He were black, He would have said, 'I Is that I Is'". where’s god? there two boys and they live in a small little town in virginia. These two boys are especially bad and are always in trouble. after the two boys got cought for steeling one day there mothers sent them to talk to the town priest. So the two boys went to talk to the pastor and the pastor asked the smallest child to come in and talk to him. well the pastor asked the young child "do you believe in god?" the young boy answered shyly "yes" so the pastor said ok "do you know where god is?" the young boy had a puzzled look on his face and said "nope" so the pastor said again "do you know where god is?" the boy looked back and said "i alreay told you no" so the pastor asked a last time "do you know where god is?" at that time the boy ran out the room and to his older brother. The older brother asked "whats wrong?" the young boy answered "were in big trouble now" "oh well were always in trouble whats the big deal?" the young boy answered "now God is missing and they thing we've done it." Religious Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away. Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away." The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!" Jesus, Are You There? A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am." The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked. "No, I didn't!" said the drunk. The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?" "No, I did not!" said the drunk again. Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!" The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?" Rabbi In A Confession A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What did you do?" Man: "I committed adultery." Priest:"How many times?" Man: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Once." Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5." A test for monks The head of the monastery wanted to check how strong his priests are in resisting temptation. He called 3 of them to his room, and ordered them to put a small bell on their private. After that, he went to the first guy, and showed him a picture of a gorgeous naked girl. "Gling Gling", went the bell, and the head of the monastary was furious: "you call yourself a monk? you are as weak as a baby!". He went then to the second guy, and showed him a cover of a dirty porn movie. "Gling Gling", went the bell. "you are a disgrace! get out of my sight!". Almost in complete dispair, he went to the thirs guy and showed him a cover of a porn-magazine. There was silent. "Way to go, son, you are the only man here worth to be call a monk", the head of the monastery said, while putting his hand on him. "Gling Gling", went the bell. The Guardian Angel Mistake A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees her guardian angel and asks if this is her time. The angel says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital for a few more days and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in heaven again, sees her guardian angel and says, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years!!" The angel replies, "Sorry. I didn't recognize you." They Didn't Have Nike's In Those Days A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we'll talk about it." A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if he could use the car. His father said, "Son, I'm really proud of you. You brought your grades up, studied the bible well, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went Fallen An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!" Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen." >From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen." This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93. Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. "You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!" The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest. But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!" No Jews A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod --one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, 'Sorry, no room. The hotel is full.' The Jewish lady said, 'But your sign says that you have vacancies.' The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, 'You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town...' Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, 'I'll have you know I converted to your religion.' The desk clerk said, 'Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?' Mrs. Rosenberg replied, 'He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem.' 'Very good,' replied the hotel clerk. 'Tell me more.' Mrs. Rosenberg replied, 'He was born in a manger.' 'That's right,' said the hotel clerk. 'And why was he born in a manger?' Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, 'Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!' Want A Divorce? A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases the speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up and he is now doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster and faster until he reaches 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass pillar, as she says, "Is there anything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need." She asks, "What's that?" The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!" .Phone Call Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello." WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$60,000" MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you! MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up .The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?" Private Grief A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband." Caught In The Act A wife comes home after a shopping trip, and she's horrified to see her husband in bed with a young woman. She's about to storm out of the house, and the husband says "But I can explain, dear. As I was driving home I saw this poor and tired-looking creature standing by the road, so I offered her a ride. She said she was hungry, so I brought her to our home and fed her some of your leftover pot roast. Her shoes were completely worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't wear because they're out of style. She was cold, so I gave her your new birthday sweater you never wear because you say the color doesn't suit you. Her slacks were tattered, so I gave her a pair of yours that don't fit you anymore. Then, just as she was about to leave our house, she stopped and asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife no longer uses?' Divorce Court "Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." Bad Florist Bad florist... A local florist just went out of business, but it was his own fault. He kept getting his orders mixed up. One woman received flowers sent by her husband, who was at a business meeting in Florida. She was perplexed by the message on her card: "Our deepest sympathy." But she was not nearly as surprised as the woman whose husband had just passed away. Her card read, "Hotter here than I expected. Too bad you didn't come too." BUT I'VE MADE RESERVATIONS FOR YOU AND WERE EXPECTING YOUN THIS SUNDAY.. SUNDAY MORNING, AFTER READING THE LETTER THE WOMAN DROPPED DEAD OF A HEART ATTACK.. The Curse An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife." |