Buffy Quotes: Season One
Buffy: "I didn't think there'd be vampires on campus, and I don't care!"
Giles: "Then why are you here?"
Buffy: "To...tell you...that...I don't care...which...I don't...and...have now told you...so...bye!"Giles: "The vampire is not dead?"
Buffy: "No, but my social life is on the critical list."Buffy: "Now, we can do this the hard way, or...well, actually, there's just the hard way."
Buffy: "So Giles, got anything that can make this day any worse?"
Giles: "How about the end of the world?"
Buffy: "Knew I could count on you."Giles: "I'll just jump in my time machine, go back to the twelfth century, and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show."
Buffy: "Okay, at this point you're abusing sarcasm."Buffy: "If the Apocalypse comes, beep me."
Willow: "What about Angel?"
Buffy: "Yeah, just see him in a relationship. 'Hi, honey. You're in grave danger. I'll see you next month!"Buffy: "'A' doesn't even stand for Angel, for that matter. It stands for Achmed, a charming foreign exchange student."
Buffy: "I know you're here, and I know what you are."
Angel: "Do you? I'm just an animal, right?"
Buffy: "You're not an animal. Animals I like."Buffy: "Giles, to every generation is born one who must run the annual talentless show. You cannot escape your destiny."
Buffy: "I don't see the ugly man. I also don't know where the sun and the rest of the world went."
Buffy: "How you doing there, Giles? Get much sleep last night?"
Giles: "I've been working."
Buffy: "Me, too. I went hunting last night, and it is awfully sweet of you to ask."Buffy: "Wow, that was boring."
Xander: "I don't feel that 'boring' covers it."
Buffy: "No, 'boring' falls short."Master: "Come forth, my child. Come into my world."
Buffy: "I don't think it's yours just yet."
Master: "You're dead!"
Buffy: "I may be dead, but I'm still pretty. Which is more than I can say for you."
Master: "You were destined to die. It was written!"
Buffy: "What can I say? I flunked the written."
Season Two
Cordelia: "What are you guys talking about? I'm talking about big, squiggly demons that come from the ground. Remember? Prom Night? With all the vampires?"
Buffy: "Cordelia, your mouth is open. Sound is coming from it. This is never good."
Cordelia: "Your secret's safe with me."
Buffy: "Well, that works out great. You won't tell anyone that I'm a Slayer, and I won't tell anyone you're a moron."
Buffy: "Look, Angel, I'm sorry if I was supposed to spend the summer mooning over you, but I didn't. I moved on...to the living."
Buffy: "You're a vampire. Oh, I'm sorry. Is that an offensive term? Should I say 'Undead American'?"
Angel: "We need you to distract the vampires."
Buffy: "Right."
Angel: "What are you gonna' do?"
Buffy: "I'm gonna' kill them all. That ought to distract them."Buffy: "I don't think I can face them."
Giles: "Of course you can."
Buffy: "I can't! What am I supposed to say? 'Sorry I almost got your throats slit. What's the homework?'"
Giles: "Punishing yourself like this is pointless."
Buffy: "It's entirely pointy. I was a moron. I put my best friends in mortal danger on the second day of school."
Giles: "What are you going to do? Crawl inside a cave for the rest of your life?"
Buffy: "Would it have cable?"
Giles: "Buffy, you acted wrongly, I'll admit that, but believe me, that was hardly the worst mistake you'll ever make."
Buffy: "..."
Giles: "That wasn't quite as comforting as it was meant to be."
Buffy: "Well, points for effort."Angel: "Is this a bad time?"
Buffy: "Are you crazy? You don't just sneak up on people in a graveyard. You make noise when you walk. You stomp or yodel."Angel: "'Danced with' is a pretty loose term. 'Mated with' might be a little closer."
Buffy: "Don't you think you're being a little unfair? It was one little dance, which I only did to make you crazy. By the way, behold my success."Giles: "This Saturday is the Night of St. Vigeous."
Buffy: "Let me guess. He didn't make balloon animals."Giles: "You're being a tad flip, don't you think? This is serious."
Buffy: "And getting kicked out of school is laughs aplenty?"Buffy: "Le vache doit me touche de la jeudi. Was it wrong? Should I use the plural?"
Willow: "No, but you said, 'The cow should touch me from Thursday.'"
Buffy: "Maybe that's what I was thinking."
Willow: "And you said it wrong."
Buffy: "Oh, je stink."Vampire: "Slayer."
Buffy: "Slayee."Buffy: "This is so unfair."
Willow: "I don't think it's that bad."
Buffy: "It's the über-suck."Buffy: "So can I go?"
Giles: "I think not."
Buffy: "How come?"
Giles: "Because you are the Chosen One."
Buffy: "Oh, just this once, I'd like to be the Overlooked One."Giles: "You have responsibilities that other girls do not."
Buffy: "Oh, I know this one! 'Slaying entails certain sacrifices--blah blah bity blah--I'm so stuffy. Give me a scone."Buffy: "What's it like back home?"
Ampata: "Cramped, and very dead."
Buffy: "Well, you'll feel right at home in Sunnydale."Buffy: "So then we just have to stop the mummy, which leads to the question: how do we a) find and b) stop the mummy?"
Richard: "Hi, sweetheart. I'm Richard, and you are...?"
Buffy: "So not interested."Buffy: "Gosh, I'd love to sign up, but I recently developed carpal tunnel syndrome and can tragically no longer hold a flashlight."
Willow: "Oh, Buffy, Angel would never fall for her act."
Buffy: "You mean that actually showing up, wearing a stunning outfit, embracing personal hygiene act?"The next two quotes are from 'Halloween' so Buff has turned into girl from the past...
Xander: "She must be right. We must have some kind of amnesia."
Buffy: "I don't know what that is, but I'm certain I don't have it. I bathe quite often."Buffy: "I was brought up a proper lady. I wasn't meant to understand things. I'm just meant to look pretty, and then someone nice will marry me, possibly a baron."
end of halloween
Buffy: "It was terrible. I moped over you for months, sitting in my room, listening to that Divinyls song "I Touch Myself"...of course, I had no idea what it was about."
Ford: "What's goin' on?"
Buffy: "Um, uh, there's a--a cat...a cat, here...and, um, then there was another cat...and they fought...the cats...and...then they left."
Ford: "Oh. I thought you were just slaying a vampire."
Buffy: "What?! What-ing a what?!"Giles: "Oh, uh...right then. Well, um, just remember if you--"
Buffy: "Go! Experience this thing called fun. I'll try not to have a crisis."Buffy: "I'm sorry, Ford. I just couldn't wail 'til tonight. I'm rash and impulsive. It's a flaw."
Ford: "We all have flaws."
Buffy: "I'm still a little fuzzy on exactly what yours is. I think it has to do with being a lying scumbag."Buffy: "I am trying to save you. You are playing in some serious traffic here, do you understand that? You're going to die, and the only hope you have of surviving this is to get out of this pit right now and my God could you have a dorkier outfit?"
Xander: "Giles lived for school. He's actually still better that there were only twelve grades."
Buffy: "He probably sat in math class thinking, 'There should be more math. This could be mathier.'"
Willow: "Come on, you don't think he ever got restless as a kid?"
Buffy: "Are you kidding? His diapers were tweed."Buffy: "Unless Hell freezes over and every vamp in Sunnydale puts in for early retirement, I'd say my future is pretty much a non-issue."
Buffy: "I wish we could be regular kids."
Angel: "I'll never be a kid."
Buffy: "Okay then, a regular kid and her cradle-robbin', creature-of-the-night boyfriend."Angel: "When was the last time you put on your skates?"
Buffy: "'Bout a couple of hundred demons ago."Giles: "You're behaving remarkably immaturely."
Buffy: "You know why? I am immature. I'm a teen. I have yet to mature."Buffy: "God, you act like I picked this gig, but remember, I'm the picked."
Giles: "What you have...is more than...a gig. It's a sacred duty, which shouldn't prevent you from eventually pursuing some more gainful form of employment, such as I did."
Buffy: "But, Giles, it's one thing to be a Watcher and a librarian. They go together, like chicken and...another chicken...or two chickens, or...something--you know what I'm saying! The point is, no one blinks an eye if you wanna' spend all your days with books. What am I supposed to do? Carve stakes for a nursery?"Buffy: "Excommunicated and sent to Sunnydale. There's a guy big with the sinning."
Buffy: "The Hellmouth presents Dead Guys on Ice. Not exactly the evening we were aiming for."
Angel: "You're in danger. You know what the ring means?"
Buffy: "That I just killed a Superbowl champ?"Buffy: "These assassins, why are they after me?"
Willow: "'Cause you're the scourge of the underworld?"
Buffy: "I haven't been that scourgey lately."Buffy: "Okay, a scenario: you back off, I'll back off, but you promise not to go all wiggy until we can go to my Watcher and figure this out."
Kendra: "Wiggy?"
Buffy: "You know. No kick-o, no fight-o."Kendra: "She died?"
Buffy: "Just a little."Kendra: "Then we will stop Spike?"
Buffy: "Ooh, good plan! Let's go, charge!"
Giles: "Buffy."
Buffy: "It's a little more complicated than that, John Wayne."Joyce: "It's an outfit. An outfit that you may never buy."
Buffy: "But...I looked good in it."
Joyce: "You looked like a streetwalker."
Buffy: "But a thin streetwalker."
Joyce: "..."
Buffy: "That's probably not gonna' be the winning argument, is it?"Lyle: "Well ain't you just got the prettiest little neck I ever did see."
Buffy: "Boy, you guys really never come up with any new lines, do you?"Xander: "Giles! He must be out somewhere."
Buffy: "Well, he picked a hell of a time to get a life."Angel: "Not every dream you have comes true. I mean, what else did you dream last night? Can you remember?"
Buffy: "I dreamt...I dreamt that Giles and I opened an office supply warehouse in Vegas."Willow: "Carpe diem. You told me that once."
Buffy: "Fish of the day?"Buffy: "You think he's too old 'cause he's a senior? Please, my boyfriend had a bicentennial."
Angel: "I could catch a cargo ship to Asia and maybe truck to Nepal..."
Buffy: "You know, those new-fangled flying machines really are much safer than they used to be."Giles: "And it, uh, acts on pure instinct. No conscience. Predatory and aggressive."
Buffy: "In other words, your typical male."
Xander: "On behalf of my gender, "Hey!"
Giles: "Yes, let's not jump to any conclusions."
Buffy: "I didn't jump! I took a tiny step, and there conclusions were."Giles: "Anything yet?"
Buffy: "Yes, and you won't believe what I saw! Brittany Podell was making out with Owen Stadeel, but he goes with Barrett Williams. If she ever fou--no, um, no-no sign of the werewolf."Xander: "We're not fighting as much, and yesterday, we just sat together, not even speaking. You know, just, um, enjoying comfortable silence. Man, that was dull."
Buffy: "I'm glad you guys are getting along. Almost really."Buffy: "Oh, Valentine's Day is just a cheap gimmick to sell cards and chocolates."
Amy: "Bad break-up, huh?"
Buffy: "Believe me when I say, 'uh-huh'."Giles: "Might I have a word?"
Buffy: "Have a sentence, even."Giles: "Look, here's another, here. Um, 'Valentine's Day,' yes, um, 'Angel nails a puppy to the...'"
Buffy: "Skip it."
Giles: "But..."
Buffy: "I don't want to know. I don't have a puppy. Skip it."Willow: "Not to be outdone..."
Buffy: "Homework."
Willow: "It's my way of saying get well soon."
Buffy: "You know, chocolate says that even better."
Willow: "I did all your assignments. All you have to do is sign your name."
Buffy: "Chocolate means nothing to me."Buffy: "I'll check Backer's office. See if I can find any post-its marked 'Why a monster might want me dead.'
Buffy: "I'm not seeing anybody...ever...again, actually."
Willow: "You're thinking too much. Maybe you need to be impulsive."
Buffy: "Impulsive? Do you remember my ex-boyfriend? The vampire? I slept with him, he lost his soul, and now my boyfriend's gone forever and the demon that wears his face is killing my friends. The next impulsive decision I make will be my choice of dentures."Buffy: "So we have some bad boo on our hands?"
Giles: "It lashes out, growing ever more confused, ever more angry."
Buffy: "So it's a normal teenager. Only dead."Buffy: "So I'm treated like the baddie, just because he has a sprained wrist and a bloody nose...and I don't have a scratch on me. Which, granted, hurts my case a little, on the surface."
Buffy: "And raises the possibility that someone brought forth the sea monster from whence it came to exact that revenge. 'From whence it came...'? (to Giles) I'm spending way too much time around you."
Buffy: "I think we'd better find the rest of the swim team and lock them up before they get in touch with their inner halibut."
Coach: "You got some imagination, Missy."
Buffy: "Oh, well, right now I'm imagining you in jail. You're wearing a big orange suit, and, oh look, the guards are beating you up."Principal Snyder: "This isn't an orgy, people. It's a classroom."
Buffy: "Yeah. Where they teach lunch."Buffy: "And you're sure this was the tomb of Alfalfa?"
Angel: "I wasn't sure you'd come."
Buffy: "After your immolation-o-gram? Come on, I had to show. Shouldn't you be out destroying the world right now, pulling the sword out of Al Franken or whatever his name is?"Buffy: "So, I'm like, 'Dad, you want me to go to the dance in an outfit I've already worn? Why do you hate me?'"
Buffy: "Tyler would have to crawl on his hands and knees to get me to go to the dance with him, which actually he's supposed to do after practice, so I'm gonna' wait."
Buffy: "What are you doing here?"
Whistler: "Waiting for you."
Buffy: "Why?"
Whistler: "'Cause I need a date to the prom."
Buffy: "I've had a really bad day, okay? If you have information worth hearing, then I am grateful for it. If you're gonna crack jokes, then I'm gonna pull out your rib cage and wear it as a hat."Spike: "Hey! White flag here. I quit."
Buffy: "Let me clear this up for you. We're mortal enemies. We don't get time-outs."Buffy: "The whole earth may be sucked into hell, and you want my help 'cause your girlfriend's a big 'ho? Well, let me take this opportunity to not care."
Buffy: "Do...do you think I chose to be like this? Do you have any idea how lonely it is, how dangerous? I would love to be upstairs watching TV or gossiping about boys or...God, even studying! But I have to save the world... again."
Angel: "My boy Acathla here is about to wake up. You're going to Hell."
Buffy: "Save me a seat."
Season Three
Buffy: "So, probably go faster if we split up."
Lily: " Can I come with you?"
Buffy: "Okay, where did I lose you on the whole splitting up thing?"Nurse: "What are you doing?"
Buffy: "Breaking into your office and going through your private files."Buffy: "I don't want any trouble. I just want to be alone and quiet in a room with a chair and a fireplace and a tea cozy. I don't even know what a tea cozy is, but I want one."
Buffy: "You know, I just, I woke up, and I looked in the mirror, and I thought, "Hey, what's with all this sin?" I need to change. I'm... I'm dirty. I'm bad, with the sex, and the envy, and that loud music us kids listen to nowadays. Oh, I just suck at undercover!"
Monster: "Who are you?"
Victim: "No one."
Monster: "Who are you?"
Victim: "No one."
Monster: "Who are you?"
Buffy: "I'm Buffy. The vampire Slayer. And you are?"Joyce: "You must be starving."
Buffy: "I was until that four-course snack you served me after dinner."Buffy: "A girls school? So now it's jackets, kilts, and no boys? Care to throw in a little foot-binding?"
Buffy: "Oh no, I have to go take an English make-up exam. They give you credit just for speaking it, right?"
Buffy: "No tats. Crappy dressers. And, uh, oh, the one that nearly bit me mentioned something about kissing toast. He lived for kissing toast."
Giles: "Do you mean 'Kakistos'?"
Buffy: "Maybe it was taquitos. Maybe he lived for taquitos. What?"Faith: "I'm the one who can handle this."
Buffy: "Yeah, you're a real badass when it comes to packing."Buffy: "Your brain isn't even connected to your mouth, is it?"
Buffy: " We are gonna get out of here, and we're gonna head back to the library, where Giles and the rest of the weapons live. Then I'm going to take out the rest of these guys, just in time for you to congratulate me on my sweeping victory as Homecoming Queen."
Buffy: "Cor, the gun! < bang > Cordelia, the spatula."
Xander: "Oh, god! What did you two do to each other?"
Buffy: "Long story."
Cordelia: "Got hunted."
Buffy: "Apparently, not that long."Angel: "It's late. How'd you get away?"
Buffy: "It was easy. Started a fire in the prison laundry room; rode out in the garbage truck."Buffy: "See if you guys can find something to tie him up with."
Joyce: (sheepishly hands Buffy handcuffs)
Buffy: "Never tell me."Buffy: "It was just too much to deal with. It was like nothing made sense anymore. The things that I thought I understood were gone. I just felt so alone."
Giles: "Was that the math or the verbal?"
Buffy: "Mostly the math."Angel: "I think I have what you're looking for."
Buffy: "Great, just, wherever this was gift-wrapped, remind me not to shop there."
Angel: "The Glove of Myhnegon."
Buffy: "The world's ugliest fashion accessory."Giles: "What? Oh, my gear. No, this is... this is basic necessities."
Buffy: "Giles, you pack like me."Spike: "Oh, god."
Buffy: "What's wrong? Not that I really care."
Spike: "Oh, my head. I think I'm sobering up. It's horrible. Oh, god. I wish I were dead."
Buffy: "Well, if you close your eyes and wish real hard..."Spike: "I'm nothing without her."
Buffy: "Yeah, that I'll have to agree with. You're pathetic, you know that? You're not even a loser anymore, you're a shell of a loser."Xander: "Behold the beauty that is now. Who's with me?"
Buffy: "Actually, he's making sense. We're young and free in America. How dare we be spun by love, or the lack of same?"
Willow: "Absolutely. It's self-indulgent. I'm in. I'm on the joy train."
(pause)
Buffy: "That didn't work. Who wants chocolate?"Buffy: "Nothing like a roaring fire to keep away the blistering heat."
Buffy: "Someone with a soul did this?"
Giles: "Yes, I'm afraid so."
Buffy: "Okay. then while you're looking for the meaning of that symbol thingy, could you also find a loophole in that 'Slayers don't kill people' rule?"Buffy: "Okay, maybe I don't have a plan. Lord knows I don't have any lapel buttons."
Joyce: "Buffy."
Buffy: "And maybe next time that the world is getting sucked into hell, I won't be able to stop it because the anti-hell-sucking book isn't on the approved reading list."Buffy: "Okay, so I battle evil. But I don't really win. The bad keeps coming back, and getting stronger. I'm like that kid in the story, the boy that stuck his finger in the duck."
Angel: "Dike. (Buffy looks at him) It's another word for dam."
Buffy: "Oh. Okay, that story makes a lot more sense now."Giles: "This one?"
Buffy: "Amethyst."
Giles: "Used for?"
Buffy: "Breath mints?"
Giles: "Charm bags, money spells and for cleansing one's aura."
Buffy: "Okay, so how do you know if one's aura's dirty? Somebody comes by with a finger and writes 'wash me' on it?"Buffy: "Wow, that was funny looking. Could you do it again?"
Vamp: "I'll kill you for that."
Buffy: "For that? What were you trying to kill me for before?"Buffy: "Before I was the Slayer, I was... Well, I don't want to say shallow, but... let's say a certain person, who will remain nameless, we'll just call her Spordelia, looked like a classical philosopher next to me."
Buffy: "You know, nothing's really going to change. The important thing is that I kept up my special birthday tradition of gut-wrenching misery and horror."
Buffy: "'Sisterhood of Jhe. Race of female demons, fierce warriors..." Eww. "...celebrate victory in battle by eating their foes." They couldn't just pour Gatorade on each other?"
Faith: "Nicely diverted, B."
Buffy: "Diverted? That was me fighting for my life, Miss Attention Span."
Faith: "This isn't a Tupperware party. It's a little hard to plan."
Buffy: "The count of three isn't a plan. It's Sesame Street."Wesley: "Why don't you tell me everything about last night's patrol."
Buffy: "Vampires."
Wesley: "Yes?"
Buffy: "Killed 'em."
Wesley: "Buffy, you will go to the Gleave's family crypt tonight and fetch the amulet."
Buffy: "I will?"
Wesley: "Are you not used to being given orders?"
Buffy: "Whenever Giles sends me on a mission, he always says "please." And afterwards I get a cookie."Faith: "New Watcher?"
Buffy & Giles: "New Watcher."
Faith: "Screw that."
Buffy: "Now, why didn't I just say that?"Wesley: "What can I do? I want to help."
Buffy: "Still got your ticket back to the Mother Country?"Buffy: "There you are."
Xander: "Hey, Buff."
Buffy: "Aren't you going to introduce me to your... Holy God, you're Willow."
Evil Willow: "You."
Buffy: "You know what? I like the look. It's um, it's extreme, but it looks good, you know, it's a leather thing. And, uh, I said extreme already, didn't I?"Buffy: "Well, from the title, I thought it was about food."
Angel: "Well, there was food..."
Buffy: "Right. Th-the scene with the... food."Buffy: "So, feel like getting some hot chocolate... or some cold shower?"
Angel: "Buffy, you don't have to worry about me."
Buffy: "I just don't like to rub your nose in it. Suddenly wondering where that expression comes from."Buffy: "Faith would never do that."
Willow: "Faith would totally do that. Faith was built to do that. She's the 'do that' girl."
Buffy: "Comfort, remember? Comfort here?"Willow: "So scabby demon got away?"
Buffy: "Scabby demon #2 got away. Scabby demon #1, big check in the "slayed" column."Giles: "It says they can infect the host."
Buffy: "Infect? Infect?! Giles! Infect??"Giles: "Feel up to some training?"
Buffy: "Sure. We can work out after school. You know, if you're not too busy having sex with my MOTHER."Buffy: "He doesn't even know what a lasting relationship is."
Angel: "No."
Buffy: "Probably the only lasting relationship he's ever had is with... evil."
Angel: "Yeah."
Buffy: "Big, stupid, evil guy."Buffy: "I mean, where did I think you get your blood, McPlasma's?"
Buffy: "Mom, graduation is a pointless ceremony where you sit around and listen to a bunch of boring speeches till someone hands you a piece of paper that says you've graduated, which you already know, and maroon does nothing for my complexion."
Buffy: "My god, he's gonna do the entire speech."
Willow: "Man, just ascend already."
Buffy: "Evil."Buffy: "I haven't processed everything yet. My brain isn't really functioning on the higher levels. It's pretty much 'Fire bad. Tree pretty.'"
Giles: "There's a certain dramatic irony attached to all this. A synchronicity that borders on predestination, one might say."
Buffy: "Fire bad. Tree pretty."
Seasons 4&5