Season 1

Jesse: "You wanna' dance?"
Cordelia: "With you?"
Jesse: "Well, uh, yeah!"
Cordelia: "Well, uh, no!"

Owen: "Cordelia, I'm here with Buffy."
Cordelia: "Oh. Okay. You wanna' dance?"
Owen: "No, I'm still here with Buffy."
Cordelia: "You are so good to help the needy."

Cordelia: "Where did you get that dress? This is a one-of-a-kind Todd Oldham. Do you know how much this dress cost? Is this a knock-off? This is a knock-off, isn't it? Some cheesy knock-off. This is exactly what happens when you sign these free trade agreements."

Cordelia: "People who think their problems are so huge craze me, like this time I sort of ran over this girl on her bike. It was the most traumatizing event of my life, and she's trying to make it about her leg. Like my pain meant nothing.

Giles: "You know, I...I don't recall ever seeing you here before."
Cordelia: "Oh, no. I have a life."

Cordelia: "Willow, I really like your outfit."
Willow: "No, you don't."
Cordelia: "No, I really don't, but I need a favor."

---

Season 2

Cordelia: "It was a nightmare, a total nightmare. I mean, they promised me they'd take me to St. Croix, and then they just decide to go to Tuscany. Art and buildings? I was totally beachless for a month and a half. No one has suffered like I have suffered. Of course, I think that that kind of adversity builds character. Well, then I thought, 'I already have a lot of character.' Is it possible to have too much character?"

Willow: "You haven't been talking about our little adventure all summer, have you?"
Cordelia: "Are you nuts? You think I would tell people that I spent the whole evening with you?"

Cordelia: "Buffy? You're really campaigning for bitch of the year, aren't you?"
Buffy: "As defending champion, you nervous?"
Cordelia: "I can hold my own. You know, we've never really been close, which is nice, 'cause I don't really like you that much, but..."

Cordelia: "What an ordeal. And you know what the worst part is?"
Ms. Calendar: "Hmm?"
Cordelia: "It stays with you forever. No matter what they tell you, none of that rust and blood and grime comes out. I mean, you can dry clean 'til Judgment Day. You're living with those stains."
Ms. Calendar: "Yeah, that's the worst part of being hung upside-down by a vampire who wants to slit your throat: the stains."
Cordelia: "I hear ya'."

Cordelia: "Okay, I'm doing this under protest. It is not fair that they're making participation in this year's science fair mandatory. I don't think anyone should have to do anything educational in school if they don't want to."
Willow: "'The Tomato: Fruit or Vegetable?'"
Cordelia: "I wanted to do something I could finish in a weekend, all right?"

Cordelia: "It was horrible. Angel saved me from an arm."

Cordelia: "My fingers are cramping. How long have I been doing this?"
Xander: "Three minutes."
Cordelia: "So can I go now? She doesn't need this many stakes. I mean, if this guy Spike is as mean as you all said, it should be over pretty quickly."
Buffy: "..."
Cordelia: "We're still all rooting for you on Saturday. I'd be there for you myself if I didn't have a leg wax."

Cordelia: "You're starting to look a little slagged. What, are you just skipping foundation entirely now?"
Buffy: "Cordelia, I have at least three lives to contend with, none of which really mesh. It's kind of like oil and water and a...third unmeshable thing."
Cordelia: "Yeah, and I can see the oil. Is that your mom? Now that is a woman that knows how to moisturize. Did it, like, skip a generation?"

Cordelia: "Devon, I told you I'd be at the dance tonight, but I am not one of your little groupies. I won't be all doe-eyed, looking up at you, standing at the edge of the stage."
Devon: "Got it."
Cordelia: "So, I'll see you afterwards?"
Devon: "Sure. Where do you wanna' meet?"
Cordelia: "I'll be standing at the edge of the stage."

Cordelia: "This whole student exchange thing has been a nightmare. They don't even speak American."

Cordelia: "Buffy! Did you lose weight? And your hair...alright, I respect you too much to be dishonest."

Cordelia: "The Zeta Kappas have to have a certain balance at their party, and Richard explained it all to me, but I was so busy really listening that I didn't hear much."

Cordelia: "Buffy, I love the hair. It just screams 'street urchin'."

Cordelia: "Look, Buffy, you may be hot stuff when it comes to demonology or whatever, but when it comes to dating, I'm the Slayer."

Cordelia: "I'm not deaf, I can take a hint. What's the hint?"
Giles: "To come back later."
Cordelia: "Yeah, when you've visited decaf land."

Xander: "Uh, sit here, Buffs! Demilitarize the zone between me and Cordelia."
Cordelia: "Yeah, and delouse him while you're at it."

Cordelia: "I've got the solution right here. 'To kill a demon...cut off its head.'"
Xander: "Oh yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah, we'll find Ms. Calendar, then we'll decapitate her. Hey, she'll be the first headless computer teacher in school, you think anybody'll notice?"
Cordelia: "Do you know what you need, Xander, besides a year's supply of acne cream? A brain."

Cordelia: "'I aspire to help my fellow man.' Check. As long as he's not smelly, dirty, or something gross."
Xander: "Cordelia Chase, always ready to give a hand to the rich and pretty."
Cordelia: "Which, lucky me, excludes you. Twice."

Xander: "Come on, Cordelia, if you wanna' be a member of the Scooby gang, you gotta' be willing to be inconvenienced every now and then."
Cordelia: "Right, 'cause I lie awake at night hoping you tweakos will be my best friends. And that my first husband will be a balding, demented, homeless man."

Xander: "Look, I'm not gonna' tell, they're not gonna' know. Not your friends, not my friends. You wanna' go to the utility closet and make out?"
Cordelia: "God, is that all you ever think about?" "Okay."

Cordelia: "I don't get it. Buffy's the Slayer, shouldn't she have--"
Xander: "What, a license to kill?"
Cordelia: "Well, not for fun, but she's like this Superman. Shouldn't there be different rules for her?"
Willow: "Sure, in a fascist society."
Cordelia: "Right! Why can't we have one of those?"

Cordelia: "Hey! I'll have you know that my father brought this bear back from Gstaad years ago. Then all of a sudden, these trendoids everywhere started sporting it, so I'm totally not wearing it. Then I thought, 'Hey! I'm the one who started this nationwide craze. What am I ashamed of?'"

Xander: "Let's go."
Cordelia: "And do what? Besides be afraid and die?"

Cordelia: "This is great. There's an unkillable demon in town, Angel's joined his side, the Slayer's a basket case, I'd say we've hit bottom."
Xander: "I have a plan."
Cordelia: "Oh, no! Here's a lower place."

Cordelia: "Do you know what you are, Harmony? You're a sheep."
Harmony: "I'm not a sheep."
Cordelia: "You're a sheep. All you ever do is what everyone else does, just so you can say you did it first. And here I am, scrambling for your approval, when I'm way cooler than you are, 'cause I'm not a sheep. I do what I want to do, and I wear what I want to wear, and you know what? I date whoever the hell I want to date. No matter how lame he is."

Cordelia: "So this isn't about you being afraid of hospitals 'cause your friend died. and you want to conjure up a monster that you can fight so you can save everybody and not feel so helpless?"
Giles: "Cordelia, have you actually ever heard of tact?"
Cordelia: "Tact is just not saying true stuff. I'll pass."

Cordelia: "Eww, what does this do?"
Giles: "It extracts vital organs to replenish its own mutating cells."
Cordelia: "Wow! What does this one do?"
Giles: "It elongates its mouth to engulf its victims head with its incisors."
Cordelia: "Ouch! Wait, what does this one do?"
Giles: "It asks endless questions of those with whom it's supposed to be working so that nothing is getting done."
Cordelia: "Boy, there's a demon for everything!"

Willow: "Everything seems normal. Not a snake, not a wasp."
Cordelia: "Yup. School can open tomorrow."
Xander: "Explain to me again how that's a good thing?"
Cordelia: "I'm drawing a blank."

Cordelia: "Xander, I know you take pride in being the voice of the common wuss..."

Xander: "What about that nutty 'all men are created equal' thing?"
Cordelia: "Propaganda spouted out by the ugly and less deserving."

Cordelia: "Gee, Xander, and what are you gonna' to teach when you fail in life? Advanced loser being?"

Principal Snyder: "Just give me a reason to kick you out, Summers. Just give me a reason."
Cordelia: "How 'bout because you're a tiny, impotent Nazi with a bug up his butt the size of an emu."

---

Season 3

Xander: "I mean, it's great to have the Buffster back. Isn't it?"
Cordelia: "Totally! Except you were kind of turning me on with that whole boy Slayer look."
Xander: "Was I now?"
Cordelia: "You bet, Nighthawk."

Cordelia: "Put yourself in Buffy's shoes for just a minute, okay? I'm Buffy, freak of nature, right? Naturally, I pick a freak for a boyfriend, and then he turns into Mr. Killing Spree, which is pretty much my fault --."

Cordelia: "I have to go to the nurse's office for an ice-pack anyway."
Xander: "Did you hurt yourself?"
Cordelia: "No, silly, it shrinks the pores."

Buffy: "Obviously it [being homecoming queen] involves handing out entirely lame flyers."
Cordelia: "No, it involves being part of this school, and having actual friends. Now if it was about monsters, blood, and innards, then you'd be a shoo-in."

Buffy: "Yes you are. We are gonna get out of here, and we're gonna head back to the library, where Giles and the rest of the weapons live. Then I'm going to take out the rest of these guys, just in time for you to congratulate me on my sweeping victory as Homecoming Queen."
Cordelia: "I know what you're up to. You think if you get me mad enough I won't be so scared. And hey, it's working! Where's a damn weapon?"

Buffy: "You really love Xander?"
Cordelia: "Well, he kinda grows on you, like... a chia pet."

Willow: "Oz is the highest scoring..."
Cordelia: "We know. We did the impressed thing already."

Xander: "I hate they make us take that thing [SAT]. It's totally fascist, and personally, I think it discriminates against the uninformed."
Cordelia: "Actually, I'm looking forward to it. I do well on standardized tests. What? I can't have layers?"

Xander: "Come on. It'll be fun."
Cordelia: "I don't know, I just thought we were going to do something... you know, classy."
Xander: "What's classier than bowling?"
Cordelia: "Apart from everything ever?"

Cordelia: "I wish Buffy Summers had never come to Sunnydale."
Anyanka: "Done."
Cordelia: "That would be cool. No, wait. I wish Buffy Summers had never been born."
Anyanka: "Done!"
Cordelia: "And I wish that Xander Harris never again knows the touch of a woman. And that Willow wakes up tomorrow covered in monkey hair."
Anyanka: "Done!"
Cordelia: "In fact, I wish all men, except maybe the dumb and the really agreeable kind, disappeared off the face of the earth. That would be so cool! Or maybe..."

Cordelia: "I came over here to tell Buffy to stop this craziness, and found you all unconscious--again. How many times have you been knocked out, anyway? I swear, one of these times, you're going to wake up in a coma."
Giles: "Wake up in a...? Oh, never mind. We need to save Buffy from Hansel and Gretel."
Cordelia: "Now, let's be clear. The brain damage happened before I hit you."

Cordelia: "'Cool.' Look it up. It's something that a subliterate that's repeated 12th grade three times has and you don't. There was no part of that that wasn't fun."

Cordelia: "Ooh, is some evil going on? Must be big for them to trust you with this daredevil mission." [Xander is buying donuts]
Xander: "Cordelia. Feel free to drop dead of a wasting disease in the next twenty seconds."
Cordelia: "Oh, again I strike the nerve. I am the surgeon of mean."

Cordelia: "That's so cute. Planning life as a loser? Most people just turn out that way, but you're really taking charge."
Xander: "The comedy stylings of Miss Cordelia Chase, everyone. Who, incidentally, won't be needing a higher education when she markets her own very successful line of hooker wear."
Cordelia: "Well, Xander, I could dress more like you, but, oh, my father has a job."

Cordelia: "Wait. It occurs to me that we've never really had the opportunity to talk. You know, woman to woman. With you locked up."
Evil Willow: "Don't want to talk. Hungry."
Cordelia: "What could we talk about? Oh, hey! How about the ethics of boyfriend stealing?"
Cordelia: "I have a paper to write for English, and you're English, so I thought... what? Is it so wrong to be getting an insider's perspective?"

Cordelia: "I study best in a good restaurant... around eightish? Think it over?"

Cordelia: "I'm in Wesley's group."
Giles: "There is just the one group."
Cordelia: "Yes, and I am in it."
Xander: "And I think five's a crowd."
Cordelia: "It really is."

Cordelia: "Hey, I know a way to make investigating the Mayor even more boring. On second thought, no, I don't."

Cordelia: "I think I should work with Wesley."
Xander: "You have no shame."
Cordelia: "Oh, please. Like shame is something to be proud of?"

Cordelia: "I can't believe this loser look. I lobbied so hard for the teal. No one ever listens to me. Lone fashionable wolf."
Xander: "I like the maroon. It has more dignity."
Cordelia: "Dignity? You? In relation to clothes? I'm awash in a sea of confusion."
Xander: "I just want to look respectable in this... considering I'm probably gonna die in it."
Cordelia: "Excuse me?"
Xander: "I'm telling you, I woke up the other day with this feeling in my gut. I just know. There is no way I'm getting out of this school alive."
Cordelia: "Well, you've really mastered the power of positive giving up."
Xander: "I've been lucky too many times. My number's coming up. And I was short. One more rotation and I'm shipping stateside. You know what I mean?"
Cordelia: "Seldom, if ever."

Cordelia: "What's her saga?"
Xander: "She's freaking."
Cordelia: "About what?"
Xander: "The mayor is gonna kill us all during graduation."
Cordelia: "Oh. Are you gonna go to 5th period?"

Cordelia: "I demand an explanation."
Xander: "For what?"
Cordelia: "Wesley."
Xander: "Uh... inbreeding?"
Cordelia: "So very funny. Any minute, I'm sure to laugh."

Cordelia: "I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan."
Oz: "We attack the Mayor with hummus."
Cordelia: "I stand corrected."

Cordelia: "Of course! That's it! We'll attack him with germs."
Buffy: "Great! We'll get him cornered and then you can sneeze on him."
Cordelia: "No! No. We'll get a container of Ebola virus and . . . and . . . or, it doesn't even have to be real. We can get a box that says Ebola on it and . . . um . . . chase him!"
(silence)
"With the box."