Season 1
Buffy: "And you'll be stopping me how?"
Giles: "By appealing to your common sense, if such a creature exists."Giles: "Whatever you do, it had better be sudden and swift. This beast is extremely dangerous."
Buffy: "Well, your buddy Carlyle faced it, and he's still around."
Giles: "Yes, in a straightjacket, howling his innards out day and night."
Buffy: "Okay, Admiral, way to inspire the troops."
Giles: "Sorry."Giles: "Recording bat sonar is something soothingly akin to having one's teeth drilled."
Giles: "I'll just jump in my time machine, go back to the twelfth century, and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show."
Giles: "Things involving the computer fill me with a childlike terror. Now, if it were a nice ogre or some such, I'd be more in my element."
Giles: "He thought it would behove me to have more contact with the students. I did try to explain that my vocational choice of librarian was a deliberate attempt to minimise said contact...
Season 2
Snyder: "One day, the campus is completely bare, empty. The next, there are children everywhere...like locusts. Crawling around, mindlessly bent on feeding and mating. Destroying everything in sight in their relentless, pointless desire to exist."
Giles: "Well, I do enjoy these pep talks. Have you ever considered, given your abhorrence of children, that school principal was not, perhaps, your true vocation?"Snyder: "There's some things I can just smell. It's like a sixth sense."
Giles: "Well, actually, that would be one of the five."Giles: "Grave robbery? That's new. Interesting."
Buffy: "I know you meant to say 'gross' and 'disturbing'."
Giles: "Yes, yes, yes, of course. Terrible thing. Must put a stop to it. Damn it."Ms. Calendar: "It's just such a rugged contest."
Giles: "Rugged? American football? Heh heh."
Ms. Calendar: "And that's funny because...?"
Giles: "Well, I think it's rather odd that a nation that prides itself on its virility should feel compelled to strap on forty pounds of protective gear just in order to play rugby."Giles: "I'll have you know that I have very, um, many relaxing hobbies."
Buffy: "Such as?"
Giles: "Well, um...I enjoy cross-referencing."Buffy: "Ms. Calendar said you are a babe!"
Giles: "She said what?"
Buffy: "Um, she said that you are a...hunk of burning...something or other. So, whadda' you think of that?"
Giles: "Um, I don't know. I don't, um...a burning hunk of what?"Giles: "'Babe'? Huh, I can live with that."
Giles: "Must we have this noise during your callisthenics?"
Buffy: "It's not noise, it's music."
Giles: "I know music. Music has notes. This is noise."
Buffy: "I'm aerobicising. I must have the beat!"
Giles: "Wonderful. You work on your muscle tone while my brain dribbles out of my ears."
Buffy: "Have I ever let you down?"
Giles: "Do you want me to answer that, or should I just glare?"Ms. Calendar: "Did anyone ever tell you you're kind of a fuddy duddy?"
Giles: "Nobody ever seems to tell me anything else."
Ms. Calendar: "Did anyone ever tell you you're kind of a sexy fuddy duddy?"
Giles: "Well, no, actually, that part usually gets left out. I can't imagine why."Giles: "She's taken a human life. The guilt, it's-it's-it's pretty hard to bear. It won't go away soon."
Cordelia: "I guess you should know since you helped raise that demon that killed that guy that time."
Giles: "Yes, do let's bring that up as often as possible."Cordelia: "What are we gonna' do?"
Giles: "I'm leaning towards blind panic myself."Jenny: "I know you feel betrayed."
Giles: "Yes, well that's one of the unpleasant side-effects of betrayal."Cordelia: "So this isn't about you being afraid of hospitals 'cause your friend died. And you want to conjure up a monster that you can fight so you can save everybody and not feel so helpless?"
Giles: "Cordelia, have you actually ever heard of tact?"Xander: "Cordy, you should go with Giles."
Giles: "Why do I have to have...? Good thinking, I could do with a research assistant."Giles: "I appreciate your thoughts on the matter. In fact I encourage you to always challenge me when you feel it's appropriate. You should never be cowed by authority. Except, of course, in this instance when I am clearly right and you are clearly wrong."
Giles: "In order...to be worthy...you must perform the ritual...in a tutu. Pillock!"
Season 3
Giles: "I'm trying to find out how and why it rose from the grave. It's not as if I'm going to take it home and offer it a saucer of warm milk."
Giles: "Unbelievable. 'Do you like my mask? Isn't it pretty? It raises the dead.' Americans."
Willow: "Are you mad at me?"
Giles: "No, of course not, no. If I were, I would be making a strange clucking sound with my tongue."Giles: "I'll see if I can reach her Watcher at the retreat. They're eight hours ahead now. Yes, they're probably sitting down to a nightcap. I wonder if they still kayak. I used to love a good kayak. You see, they don't even consider--."
Buffy: "..."
Giles: "Sorry, I digress."Giles: "We have to find Buffy. Something terrible's happened. Just kidding. Thought I'd give you a scare. Are those finger sandwiches?"
Giles: "I suspect that the finger food contains actual fingers."
Giles: "Oh for god's sake, let your mum have a sodding candy bar."
Buffy: "So, Ethan, what are we playing? We're pretty much in a talk or bleed situation. Your call."
Giles: "Hit him."
Ethan: "I'd just like to point out that this wasn't my idea."
Buffy: "Meaning?"
Ethan: "I'm subcontracting. It's Trick you want. I'm just helping him collect a tribute. For a demon."
Giles: "He's lying. Go on, hit him."
Buffy: "I don't think he is. And shut up."
Giles: "You're my Slayer. Go knock his teeth down his throat."Giles: "Here. I suspect your mother will want to put it on the refrigerator."
Buffy: "Yeah, she saw these scores and her head spun around and exploded."
Giles: "I've been on the Hellmouth too long. That was metaphorical, yes?"Angel: "I'm sorry to bother you."
Giles: Sorry. Coming from you, that phrase strikes me as rather funny. Sorry to bother me."
Angel: "I need your help."
Giles: "And the funny keeps on coming."Angel: "I should be in a demon dimension suffering an eternity of torture."
Giles: "I don't feel particularly inclined to argue with that."
Giles: "Knowing why you are back would give you peace of mind?"
Angel: "It might."
Giles: "You think that's something you ought to have? Because, sir, to be blunt, the last time you became complacent about your existence turned out rather badly."Giles: "They're confiscating my books."
Buffy: "Giles, we need those books."
Giles: "Believe me, I tried to tell that to the nice man with the big gun."Giles: "This is intolerable. Snyder has interfered before, but I won't take this from that twisted little homonculus."
Giles: "'Session interrupted'? Who said you could interrupt, you stupid, useless fad! No, I said fad, and I'll say it again."
Giles: "And, uh, drop a toadstone into the mixture."
Cordelia: "This? It doesn't look like a toad."
Giles: "No reason it should. It's from inside the toad."Giles: "I've told Buffy everything."
Quentin: "That is in direct opposition to the Council's orders."
Giles: "Yes. Interestingly, I don't give a rat's ass about the Council's orders."Wesley: "Stay calm, Mr. Giles. We have to stay calm."
Giles: "Well, thank god you're here. I was planning to panic."Balthazar: "You know what I want."
Giles: "If it's for me to scrub those hard-to-reach areas, I'd like to request you kill me now."Giles: "Demons after money. Whatever happened to the still-beating heart of a virgin? No one has any standards anymore."
Wesley: "Find anything?"
Giles: "A six-course banquet of nothing with a scoop of sod all as a palette cleanser."Buffy: "It's down by the bus station. Not the nicest part of town."
Giles: "Again, see? No standards. I mean, any self-respecting demon should be living in a pit of filth or a nice crypt."Giles: "Feel up to some training?"
Buffy: "Sure. We can work out after school. You know, if you're not too busy having sex with my MOTHER."
Giles: //thud!//Willow: "Not too short. Medium. And it had this weird sort of fringey stuff on its arms."
Giles: "What's that, a demon?"
Buffy: "A prom dress.Giles: "And I shall be wearing pink taffeta, as chenille will not go with my complexion."
Wesley: "I'd like your opinion. While the last thing I wish to do is model bad behavior in front of impressionable youth, I wonder if asking Miss Chase to dance-"
Giles: "For god's sake, man, she's 18! And you have the emotional maturity of a blueberry scone. Just have at it, would you? And stop fluttering about."Buffy: "That's the basic plan. So. Am I crazy?"
Willow: "Well, crazy is such a strong word."
Giles: "Let's not rule it out though."
Buffy: "You don't think it can be done?"
Giles: "I didn't say that. I might, but not yet."Giles: "Must go attend to Wesley. See if he's still whimpering."
Season 4
Buffy: "You run?"
Giles: "And jump. And bend. And occasionally frolic."Xander: "I'm not enjoying this."
Giles: "Well, shelve them correctly and we can finish."
Xander: "I just don't get your crazy system."
Giles: "My system? It's called the alphabet."Giles: "'The summoning spell for Gachnar can be shut down in one of two ways. Destroying the Mark of Gachnar...'"
(Buffy smashes symbol. Looks very proud of herself.)
Giles: "'...is NOT one of them, and will in fact immediately bring forth the fear demon itself!'"Xander: "Who's the little fear demon? Come on, who's the little fear demon?"
Giles: "Don't taunt the fear demon."
Xander: "Why, can he hurt me?"
Giles: "No. It's just... tacky."TV announcer: "Treaty signed in 1648 that ended the 30 Years War."
Giles: "The Peace of Westphalia."
Contestant: "Uh, Yalta?"
Giles: "Oh, you moron."
TV Announcer: "I'm sorry, that's incorrect."
Giles: "That dinette set should be mine."Buffy: "And, 'Native American.'"
Giles: "Sorry?"
Buffy: "We don't say 'Indian.'"
Giles: "Oh, right. Yes, yes. Always behind on the terms. Still trying not to refer to you lot as 'bloody colonials.'"Spike: "Come on, now! It's telly time! 'Passions' is on! Timmy's down a bloody well, and if you make me miss it, I'll..."
Giles: "Do what? Lick me to death?"Spike: "We're out of weetabix."
Giles: "We are out of weetabix because you ate it all. Again.
Spike: "Get some more."
Giles: "I thought vampires were supposed to eat blood."
Spike: "Yeah, well, sometimes I like to crumble up the weetabix in the blood. Gives it a little texture."
Giles: "Since the picture you just painted means that I will never touch food of any kind again, you'll just have to pick it up yourself."Spike: "I'm not stayin' with him."
Giles: "I have a friend who's coming to town, and I'd like us to be alone."
Anya: "Oh, you mean an orgasm friend?"
Giles: "Yes, that's exactly the most appalling thing you could have said."
Olivia: "All the time you used to talk to me about witchcraft and darkness and the like, I just thought you were being pretentious."
Giles: "Oh, I was. I was also right."
Olivia: "So everything you told me was true?"
Giles: "Well, no. I wasn't actually one of the original members of Pink Floyd, but... About the monster stuff, yes."Giles: "Ethan Rayne. You have no idea how much thrashing you is going to improve my day."
Spike: "Well, what do I spy with my little eye? A demon. That would be - oh, right - the things I can kill."
Giles: "Spike. Wonderful. The perfect end to a perfect day."Buffy: "Nice phone."
Giles: "Yes, fabulous technology. You see, if anyone has any information I need to know, they can simply tell me about it through this ingenious speaking tube. I'm very excited."Spike: "Wipe your feet when you enter a person's home."
Giles: "Ah, yes, careless of me. Tracking mud all over your, um, mud."Giles: "Absolutely not. I will not squat in that dank hole."
Spike: "What, it was good enough for me, but you're above it all?"
Giles: "Precisely."Willow: "Well, look who's cranky-bear in the morning."
Giles: "Yes, I can't imagine why I didn't sleep well in my beach ball."
Anya: "Every time you moved, it made squeaky noises. It was irritating."
Giles: "Really? I'm surprised you could hear it over your Wagnerian snoring."Faith (Buffy): "Okay, Giles, you have to listen to me very carefully. I'm not Faith."
Giles: "Really?"
Faith (Buffy): "Really."
Giles: "'Cause the resemblance is striking."Willow: "They're probably goin' to..."
Giles: "Yes, thank you, Willow. I did attend University in the Mesozoic Era, I do remember what it's like."Giles: "In the midst of all that, do you really think they were keeping it up? (pause) Oh, for a different phrasing."
Spike: "A couple of them make me on the way out, but I took care of them."
Giles: "Gave them a good running-away-from, did you?"Giles: "Whatever happened to Latin? At least when that made no sense, the Church approved."
Giles: "You never train with me anymore. He's going to kick your ass."
Buffy: "Giles!"
Giles: "Sorry. Was it a bit honest? Terribly sorry."Xander: "I'll stay behind and putter around the Batcave with crusty old Alfred here."
Giles: "Ah, no, I am no Alfred, sir. No, you forget, Alfred had a job."Buffy: "Are you drunk?"
Giles: "Yes, quite a bit, actually."Giles: "I, for one, am not missing a minute of it..."
Xander: "Tara's your girlfriend?"
Giles: "Bloody hell!"Willow: "Nervous?"
Xander: "No way. I'm full of that good old kamikaze spirit."
Giles: "Xander, just because this is never going to work, there's no need to be negative."Spike: "Nasty sort of fellow. Lucky for you blighters I was here, eh?"
Giles: "Yes. Thank you. Although your heroism is slightly muted by the fact that you were helping Adam to start a war that would kill us all."Giles: "I can defeat you with my intellect. I can cripple you with my thoughts."
Season 5
Buffy: "You put it in neutral again, huh?"
Giles: "I'm just not used to this automatic transmission. I-I loathe this just sitting here, not contributing. No, no, no, it's not working out."
Buffy: "Giles, are you breaking up with your car?"
Giles: "Well, it did seduce me, all red and sporty."Buffy: "But Giles said that it just was..."
Willow: "The hell with Giles!"
Giles: "I can hear you, Willow."Giles: "I bet the death-rate keeps the rent down."
Giles: "Which begs the question: What kind of an unholy creature fancies cheap, tasteless statuary?"
Buffy: "How bored WERE you last year?"
Giles: "I watched Passions with Spike. Let us never speak of it."Buffy: "How badly did you hurt him?"
Giles: "Well, hurt, uh... maybe not hurt."
Willow: "Well, I'm sure he was startled."
Giles: "Yes, yes. I'd imagine it gave him rather a turn."
Buffy: "He ran away, huh?"
Giles: "Uh, sort of more, turned and swept out majestically, I suppose."Buffy: "So a mythic triumph over a completely indifferent foe?"
Giles: "Well, I'm not dead or unconscious, so I say bravo for me."
Giles: "I said, Oh dear lord!"
Buffy: "You always say that."
Giles: "Well, it's always important."Giles: "We do have an associate who knows those caves like the back of his melanin-deprived hand."
Giles: "It appears to be paranormal in origin."
Willow: "How can you tell?"
Giles: "Well, it's so shiny."Giles: "Did you see that? Customers, real live customers. They came in, and I gave them things, and they gave me money, and then they left! It's brilliant!"
Anya: "But we just helped her move the stuff in a few days ago. (turns, sees Buffy) And it was fun!"
Giles: "People help each other out, Anya. One of our strange customs."
Buffy: "Giles, I noticed you're doing the smallest amount of helping that can actually be called helping."
Giles: "Well, I saw myself in more of a patriarchal sort of role. You know, lots of pointing and scowling. (points, scowls) You two, stop that."Giles: "You can't be more specific about what she's like?"
Buffy: "She was kind of like Cordelia, actually. I'm pretty sure she dyes her hair."
Giles: "Ah, yes, that one, of course. Our work is done."Giles: "Come up with anything yet?"
Xander: "Well, candles maybe, or bath oils of some kind."
Buffy: "I saw a really cute sweater at Bloomies, but I think I want me to have it."
Giles: "And you are talking about what on earth?"
Buffy: "Tara's birthday. We're at a loss."
Giles: "You're in a magic shop, and you can't think what Tara would like. I believe you're both profoundly stupid."Xander: "What, are we gonna get her some cheesy crystal ball?"
Giles: "You bloody well better not. I've got mine already wrapped."Xander: "Rude-ish, rude-esque, whatever you want to call it. When a person makes a "destroy all vampires" date, it's simple courtesy to wait for you co-destroyers. Am I right, Giles?"
Giles: "I'm almost certain you're not, but to be fair, I wasn't listening."Buffy: "How did she get away with this bad mojo stuff?"
(long pause) Anya: (whispering) "Giles sold it to her."
Giles: "I-I-I didn't know it was her. I mean, how could I? If it's any consolation, I may have overcharged her."(sign in Giles' shop: DON'T FORGET Winter Solstice, Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, and Gurnenthar's Ascendance ARE COMING!)
Giles: "And so it begins. No longer a victim of crass holiday commercialization, I'm a purveyor of it."Anya: "Oh, who ordered more chicken's feet? The ones we have aren't moving at all."
Xander: "That's generally what happens when you cut them off the chicken."
Anya: "Maybe we could do a holiday promotion -- one free with every purchase."Giles: "Oh, yeah... dear holiday memories. Merry tykes by the fire enjoying their new Christmas... chicken feet."
Buffy: "It's just I trust these Watchers about as far as you could throw them."
Giles: "Thank you very much."Giles: "I cringe to think what the place would have looked like if I'd been away for longer than three days."
Buffy: "Well, maybe we would have had time to clean it up. You know, if Willow used some magicks to help."Giles: "Yes, 'cause nothing could possibly go wrong with that."
Watcher: "This statue... its removal from Burma is a criminal offense, and when triggered, it has the power to melt human eyeballs."
Giles: "In that case, I severely underpriced it."Giles: "You all stand around and look somber. Good job."
Quentin: "You used to respect us, Giles. You used to be one of us."
Giles: "You used to pay me."Quentin: "The council fights evil. The Slayer is the instrument by which we fight. The Council remains, the Slayers change. It's been that way from the beginning."
Giles: "That's a very comforting, bloodless way of looking at it, isn't it?"Giles: "They can kill you with the strike of a pen -- poncy sods."
Giles: "Holding what they know hostage with a gun pointed at my bleeding green card, no less."
Buffy: "The magic shop will remain open, Mr. Giles will stay here as my official Watcher, reinstated at full salary."
Giles: (coughing) "Retroactive."Buffy: "To be paid retroactively from the month he was fired."
Giles: "All we have to worry about right now is that she's immortal, invulnerable, and insane."
Anya: "Oh, it's just so lovely! Oh, I wish it was mine! Oh, like you weren't all thinking the same thing."
Giles: "I'm fairly certain I wasn't. I've got one just like it."Joyce: "I'm relieved that you're home. Because, to be honest, I wasn't feeling all that safe with you gone... At first, and then I remembered that Rupert was here, and I felt much, much safer."
Giles: "Yes, thank you for that little back-pedal, but I'm forced to agree that I'm barely an adequate substitute for a Slayer in the house."Buffy: "Spike! Spike wants me -- how obscene is that?"
Giles: "Well, it is very strange, I can't imagine what he's thinking. Not that you're not attractive!"Buffy: "Tonight, I better go back and rescue Giles. He's been watching Dawn while my Mom's out on her date. And I have a feeling there's only so much he can take."
Tara: "Oh, Giles and Dawny? I bet they ended up having a blast."
...
Giles: "Dear god, Buffy, there's only so much I can take."Buffy: "What did she make you do?"
Giles: "Well, we listened to aggressively cheerful music sung by people chosen for their ability to dance. Then we ate cookie dough and talked about boys."Tara: "Do you have any books on robots?"
Giles: "Oh, yes. Dozens. There's an enormous amount of research we should do before-- No, I'm lying. I haven't got squat. I just like to see Xander squirm."Buffy: "A Guide, but no food or water. So it leads me to a sacred place, and then a week later it leads you to my bleached bones?"
Giles: "Buffy, please!... It takes more than a week to bleach bones."Anya: "Look at 'em! Perusing the shelves, undressing the merchandise with their eyeballs! All ogle, no cash. It's not just annoying, it's Un-American."
Giles: "Appalling. Almost as if they no longer believe money can buy happiness."Giles: "I hope this isn't a return. Everyone wants petrified hamsters, and they're never happy with them."
Giles: "You all right?"
Willow: "Yeah."
Giles: "Ah, yes, because your good mood is both obvious and contagious."Minion: I will not betray Glorificus! I will never talk, no matter what heinous tort..."
Giles: "Actually you're talking quite a lot, just not about the right things. Tell us why you're here."
Minion: No word shall pass my lips that would bring peril to Glorificus!"
Giles: "Girls, get the twine that's on the counter. Let's tie him up."
(sickening off-screen crunch while their backs are turned) Minion: Aggh! Don't! I'll tell you anything! Please! Whatever you want! Just... anything!"
Anya: "What happened?"
Giles: "He changed his mind."Anya: "We should drop a piano on her. Well, it always works for that creepy cartoon rabbit when he's running from that nice man with the speech impediment."
Giles: "Yes, or perhaps we could paint a convincing tunnel on the side of a mountain."Giles: "Look, everything will be all right. We just need to stay here. Calm. As soon as Buffy arrives..."
(beat-up Winnebago from hell screeches up)
... we'll feel, oddly, worse."Spike: "We'd already be somewhere if Captain Slowpoke would give up the wheel. Hey, Gramps! Bloody step on it!
Giles: "Step on what? I've driven tricycles with more power.Giles: "What you did was necessary. What I've always admired."
Buffy: "Running away?"
Giles: "Being able to put your heart above all else. I'm so proud of you. You've come so far. You're everything a Watcher... you're everything I could have hoped for."Xander: "Glory can turn into Ben, and Ben turns back into Glory."
Anya: "And anyone who sees it instantly forgets."
Spike: "Kewpie doll for the lady."
Giles: "Excellent. Now. Do we suspect there may be some kind of connection between Ben and Glory? "Xander: "There. How you doing?"
Giles: "It only hurts while I answer pointless questions. Where's Buffy?"
Quotes till the end of Season 5