Season 1
Joyce: "And honey, try not to get kicked out."
Principal Flutie: "I have had it up to here with you four. What are you doing?"
Kyle: "Nothing"
Flutie: "Did I ask you to speak?"
Kyle: "..."
Flutie: "Okay, I guess I did."Flutie: "You're gonna' have so much detention, your grandchildren will be staying after school."
Master: "I am weary, and their deaths will bring me little joy. Of course, sometimes a little is enough."
Miss Calendar: "I know our ways are strange to you, but soon you will join us in the 20th century, with three whole years to spare!"
Season 2
Hank: "You know, at least when she was burning stuff down, I knew what to say."
Snyder: "One day, the campus is completely bare, empty. The next, there are children everywhere...like locusts. Crawling around, mindlessly bent on feeding and mating. Destroying everything in sight in their relentless, pointless desire to exist."
Snyder: "There's some things I can just smell. It's like a sixth sense."
Giles: "Well, actually, that would be one of the five."
Snyder: "That Summers girl--I smell trouble. I smell expulsion, and just the faintest aroma of jail."Snyder: "You really have faith in those kids, don't you?"
Giles: "Yes, I do."
Snyder: "Weird."Principal Snyder: "A lot of educators tell students, 'Think of your principal as your pal.' I say, think of me as your judge, jury, and executioner."
Principal Snyder: "Your parents, assuming you have any, will meet your teachers, assuming you have any left."
Buffy: "What can you really tell about a person from a test score?"
Joyce: "Whether or not she's ever going out with her friends again."Sven: "I thought this exchange student thing would be a great deal. But look what I got stuck with. 'Momento.' 'Punchy fruity drinky.' Is Cordelia even from this country?"
Giles: "Division of self, primarily. Male and female. Light and dark."
Ethan: "Chunky and creamy. Oh, no, sorry. That's peanut butter."Drusilla: "What will your mommy sing when they find your body?"
Boy: "I'm not supposed to talk to people."
Drusilla: "Oh, well I'm not a person, see, so that's just..."Ms. Calendar: "It's a secret."
Giles: "What kind of a secret?"
Ms. Calendar: "Uh, the kind that's secret."Giles: "How will I know what to wear?"
Ms. Calendar: "Do you own anything else?"Ms. Calendar: "You know how you have to dog ear your favorite pages so you can go back to them?"
Giles: "Eh-uh-oh-what?"
Ms. Calendar: "Well, I mean, I practically had to fold back every single page. So finally, I just--I just started underlining all the pages I really wanted to discuss."
Giles: "Uh-uh-underline?"
Ms. Calendar: "But then, of course, I spill coffee all over it. I can't even read it."
Giles: "It's a first edition."
Ms. Calendar: "I'm lying, Rupert, the book's fine. I just love to see you squirm."Buffy: "What are you doing here."
Ethan: "Snooping around."Eyghon (demon): "Oh, you never had the stomach, but that's okay, 'cause I'm about to rip it out."
Ethan: "This may sting a little, just at first, but don't worry, that'll go away once the searing pain kicks in."
Ethan: "Well, I hate to mutilate and run, but..."
Ms. Calendar: "I'm fine. I mean, I'm not running around, wind in my hair, the hills are alive with the sound of music fine, but...I'm coping."
Xander: "And for what it's worth--"
Principal Snyder: "It's worth nothing, Harris. Whatever comes out of your mouth is a meaningless waste of breath, an airborne toxic event."Buffy: "I don't take orders. I do things my way."
Kendra: "No wonder you died."Willy: "I have to ask. Has either of you girls considered modeling? I have a friend with a camera -- strictly high-class nude work. You know, art photographs, but naked. You don't have to answer right away."
Drusilla: "Say 'uncle'. Oh, that's right. You killed my uncle."
Buffy: "You died."
Ted: "That's right, little lady, you killed me. Do we have something to say about that? Are we sorry?"Joyce: "You're just too young to wear that."
Buffy: "Yeah, and I'm gonna' be too young to wear it 'til I'm too old to wear it."
Joyce: "That's the idea."Buffy: "Everyday Woman?"
Joyce: "Mm-hmm. There's the receipt."
Buffy: "Why didn't you just go to Muumuus 'R' Us?"
Joyce: "Do now, make fun of your mother later."Mr. Whitmore: "Now how many of us have lost countless productive hours plagued by, uh, unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings?"
Xander: "Yes. Mm-hmm."
Mr. Whitmore: "Uh, that was a rhetorical question, Mr. Harris, not a poll."Larry: "Theresa! Bestill my shorts."
Cain: "First they tell me I can't hunt an elephant for its ivory. Now I've gotta' deal with People for the Ethical Treatment of Werewolves."
Cordelia: "Xander? What does he have to do with this?"
Harmony: "Well, a girl wants to look good for her geek."Harmony: "Gee, Xander, maybe you should learn a second language so that even more girls can reject you."
Willow: "So, you delved into the black arts, and conjured up a hellbeast from the ocean's depths to wreak your vengeance."
Jonathan: "..."
Willow: "Didn't you?"
Jonathan: "What? No. I snuck in yesterday and peed in the pool."Drusilla: "I met an old man. Didn't like him. He got stuck in my teeth."
Buffy: "What are you doing here?"
Whistler: "Waiting for you."
Buffy: "Why?"
Whistler: "'Cause I need a date to the prom."
Buffy: "I've had a really bad day, okay? If you have information worth hearing, then I am grateful for it. If you're gonna crack jokes, then I'm gonna pull out your rib cage and wear it as a hat."
Whistler: "Hello to the imagery! Very nice."Joyce: "Honey, are you sure you're a vampire slayer?"
Joyce: "I mean, have you tried not being a slayer?"
Season 3
Lily: "Chantarelle was part of my exotic phase.
Buffy: "It's nice. It's a mushroom."
Lily: "It is? That's really embarrassing."Giles: "Joyce, you mustn't blame yourself for her leaving."
Joyce: "I don't. I blame you."Buffy: "So, probably go faster if we split up."
Lily: " Can I come with you?"Ken: "That was not permitted."
Buffy: "Yeah, but it was fun."
Ken: "You've got guts. I think I'd like to slice you open and play with them."Joyce: "But... you can't keep her out of school. You don't have the right."
Principal Snyder: "I have not only the right, but also a nearly physical sensation of pleasure at the thought of keeping her out of school. I'd describe myself as tingly."Principal Snyder: "I'm quite sure that a girl with the talents and abilities of Buffy will land on her feet. In fact, I noticed as I came in this morning that Hot Dog on a Stick is hiring. You will look so cute in that hat."
Joyce: "I've been on the phone with the superintendent of schools. At least he seems more reasonable than that nasty little horrid bigoted rodent man." (referring to Snyder)
Joyce: "I spoke with the school board, and according to them..."
Principal Snyder: "I'm required to educate every juvenile who is not in jail where she belongs."Joyce: "I think what my daughter's trying to say is: 'Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!'"
Faith: "You guys are a hoot and a half. I mean, if I had friends like you in high school, I... probably still would've dropped out, but I might've been sad about it, you know?"
Scott: "I don't know, Buffy. I'm, I'm really gonna' have to think about this."
Buffy: "..."
Scott: "Okay, you know what, I thought about it, and I'm in. When do you want to go?"Scott: "I can't back you on that lunch. Nutritional demerits."
Buffy: "Oh, my stomach doesn't want hard food today. But there's fruit in it." ('it' being jello)
Scott: "Those are marshmallows."Scott: "My mom says that therapy can be completely helpful."
Pete: "Yeah, but your mom has the wattage of a Zippo lighter, Scott."
Scott: (to Buffy)"I hope you realize I don't actually know these people. I just, I thought you would like me better if I had friends, so I hired them."Giles: "We have two victims... Jeff Orkin and now Platt. Maybe there's something they had in common."
Faith: "Missing internal organs."Trick: "Competition. Competition is a beautiful thing. It makes us strive, it makes us accomplish, occasionally makes us kill. We all have the desire to win. Whether we're human, vampire... Whatever the hell you are, my brother, you got a spiny-looking head thing, I never seen that before."
Thing: "I am Kulak, of the Meequak clan."
Trick: "Isn't that nice."
T: "Ladies, gentlemen, spiny-headed looking creatures, welcome to SlayFest '98."Buffy: "Ms. Barton?"
Ms. Barton: Buffy, whoa!"
Willow: "You okay, Miss Barton?"
Ms. Barton: Oh I'm cool, Willow. Willow. That's a tree. You're a tree. Are there any nachos in here, Little Tree?"Trick: "That's the reason I love this country. You make a good product, and the people will come to you. Of course, a lot of them are going to die, but that's the other reason I love this country."
Buffy: "You are not fine. You need to go home."
Joyce: "Screw you. I want candy."
Buffy: "Mom--"
Joyce: "You wanna slay stuff and I'm not allowed to do anything about it. Well this is what I wanna do so get off my back."Buffy: "Mom, look at your car. Look at that dent the size of New Brunswick. I did that."
Joyce: "Oh my God! What was I thinking when I bought the geek machine?"Joyce: "Can we go home now?"
Buffy: "Yeah, we can go home. I've got the SATs tomorrow."
Joyce: "Oh, blow them off. I'll write you a note."Buffy: "Synchronized slaying."
Faith: "New Olympic category?"Faith: "I've had my share of losers, but you... you boinked the undead."
Gwen Post: "The pictures are fun to look at, Mr. Giles, but one really ought to read the nice words as well."
Gwen Post: "Do you know who the Spartans were?"
Faith: "Wild stab - a bunch of guys from Spart?"Gwen Post: "You will probably hate me a great deal of the time."
Faith: "You think?"Buffy: "How are you?"
Faith: "5 by 5."Spike: "Willow!"
Buffy: "You took Willow."
Spike: "You do me now, and you'll never find the little witch."
Joyce: "Willow's a witch?"
Buffy: "And Xander?"
Spike: "Him, too."
Joyce: "Xander's a witch?"Harmony: "Oh, hey, it's garbage girl. Loved the look last night, Cor. Dumpster chic for the dumped."
Giles: "It was better... before."
Larry: "Okay, the entire world sucks because some dead ditz made a wish? I just want it clear."Angel: "What do you want?"
Jenny: "I want to die in bed surrounded by fat grandchildren, but guess that's off the menu."Willy: "Hey. You did great, by the way. I was very intimidated by you."
Xander: "Really? Thanks!"Joyce: "So, angel's on top again?"
Buffy: "What?"
Joyce: "Angel, or star?"Joyce: "Oh, that is so thoughtful." [takes presents from Faith]
Faith: "They're crappy."Joyce: "Good, honey, kill him!"
Snyder: "This is a glorious day for Principals everywhere. No pathetic whining about students' rights. Just a long row of lockers, and a man with a key."
Snyder: "Mothers Opposed to the Occult. A powerful new group."
Buffy: "And who came up with that lame name?"
Snyder: "That would be the founder. I believe you call her Mom."Kralich: "Mother. May I call you Mother? My own mother was a person with no self-respect of her own. So she tried to take mine. Ten years old, she had the scissors. You wouldn't believe what she took with those. But she's dead to me now. Mostly, because I killed and ate her."
Mayor: "Who knows, with any luck, they'll kill each other. Then everyone's a winner. Everyone, of course, meaning me."
Faith: "New Watcher?"
Buffy & Giles: "New Watcher."
Faith: "Screw that."Buffy: "Wait. Stop! Think."
Faith: "No. No. No."Balthazar: "A trade. Intriguing. No. Wait. Boring. Pull off his kneecaps!"
Giles: "Look, tell you what. Let Captain Courageous here go, and I'll tell you what you need to know. How's that deal?"
Balthazar: There is one deal! You will die quickly, or you will die slowly."Giles: "How did it go?"
Faith: "Princess Margaret here had a little trouble keeping up."
Giles: "How did it go?"
Wesley: "Faith, uh, did quite well on the obstacle field. Still a little sloppy, though."
Giles: "Do you feel up to taking Buffy out, or shall I?"
Wesley: "Oh, no, no, no, I'll be fine. Just give me a minute. And some defibrillators, it it's not too much trouble."
Faith: "You're gonna love it, B. It's just like fun, only boring."Buffy: "Not really looking to trade with a demon."
Demon: "And if this were still a barter economy, that would be a problem. I want cash, princess. Five large for the whole set."
Faith: "So you can buy -- I'm guessing here -- some skin care products?"Demon: "So, five G's? What do you say?"
Faith: "I think 'Die, fiend,' sums it up, wouldn't you say?"Mayor: "There's nothing uncool about healthy teeth and bones."
Mayor: "There's more than one way to skin a cat, and I happen to know that's factually true."
Faith: "But Mom was so busy, you know, enjoying the drinking and passing out parts of life that I never really got what I wanted. Until now."
Buffy: "Faith, listen to me."
Faith: "Why? So you can impart some special Buffy wisdom?"Giles: "I was just filling Buffy in on my progress regarding the research of the Ascension."
Wesley: "Oh. And what took up the rest of the minute?"Buffy: "Believe it or not, Jonathan, I understand about the pain."
Jonathon: "Oh, right. 'Cause the burden of being beautiful and athletic, that's a crippler."Mayor Wilkins: "So, you just take good care of it. You be careful not to put somebody's eye out with that thing. 'Till I tell you to."
Faith: "Got any particular eyes in mind?"Principal Snyder: "Okay, what's in the bag?"
Guy: "My lunch."
Principal Snyder: "Is that the new drug lingo?"
Guy: "No, it's my lunch."
Principal Snyder: "Sit up straight."Principal Snyder: "You... all of you... Why couldn't you be dealing drugs like normal people?"
Jonathan: "We're not good friends. Most of us never found the time to get to know you. But that doesn't mean we haven't noticed you. We don't talk about it much, but it's no secret that Sunnydale High isn't really like other high schools. A lot of weird stuff happens here."
Student: "Zombies!"
Student: "Hyena people!"
Student: "Snyder!!"But whenever there was a problem or something creepy happened, you seemed to show up and stop it. Most of the people here have been saved by you, or helped by you at one time or another. We're proud to say that the Class of '99 has the lowest mortality rate of any graduating class in Sunnydale history. And we know at least part of that is because of you. So the senior class offers its thanks, and gives you, uh, this. It's from all of us, and it has written here: Buffy Summers - Class Protector."
Mayor Wilkins: "And everything went smoothly with Mr. Worth?"
Faith: "Not if you're Mr. Worth."Percy: "Check it out - history final."
Willow: "B-minus! That's great."
Percy: "I'm a scholar. I'm like a scholar!"Teacher: Mr. Harris, would you care to begin?"
Xander: "Um... E?"
Teacher:[turns to hangman drawn on board] No, there's no 'E'. They always go for the 'E'."Joyce: "What are you doing? You're running away again? And you're taking my clothes."
Mayor Wilkins: "We don't knock during dark rituals?"
Wesley: "So there is something I can do? Besides . . . scream like a woman?"
Mayor: "Remember, fast and brutal. It's gonna be a whole new world come nightfall, don't want to weaken now. And boys? Let's watch the swearing."
Principal Snyder: "Congratulations to the Class of 1999. You all proved more or less adequate."
Principal Snyder: "This is a time of celebration. So sit still and be quiet. Spit out that gum."
Season 4
Professor Walsh: "Those of you who fall into my good graces will come to know me as Maggie. Those of you who don't, will come to know me by the name my TA's use and think I don't know about, 'The Evil bitch-monster of death.'"
Vampire Girl: "Does this sweater make me look fat?"
Sunday: "No. The fact that you're fat makes you look fat. That sweater just makes you look... purple."Boy Vampire: "No, the best part was when you ragged on her clothes. She was like, "No, not the ensemble!"
Sunday: "Those jeans with the little patches? She has no one to blame but herself."
Girl Vampire: "I heard they're coming back."
Sunday: "Not if I kill every single person who wears them."Kathy: "I'm 3000 years old. When are you going to stop treating me like I'm 900?"
Buffy: "And you're with Harmony. What, did you lose a bet?"
Harmony: "Hey!"Spike: "We've got an extra set of chains."
Harmony: "Ew. Just because Dorkus went in for that..."
Spike: "Drusilla."
Harmony: "Whatever."
Spike: "Say her name."
Harmony: "Dorkus."
Spike: "Bite your tongue."
Harmony: "Do it for me."Parker: "Didn't you have fun? Watch out how you answer that, my ego is fragile."
Frat Guy 1: "If we cannot scare the young women, they will not fall into our arms. We'll have womanless arms. Halloween's not about thrills, chills, and funny costumes. It's about getting laid."
Frat Guy 2: "Is there any holiday that's not about getting laid?"Buffy: "I, um, couldn't make it to class for personal reasons."
Professor Walsh: "Right. I count four limbs, a head, no visible scarring, so I assume your personal issue wasn't a life-threatening accident of any kind, and I'm therefore uninterested."Smart Guy 1: "You're a very beautiful girl who should be covered with men. And, can we be those men?"
Forrest: "What do you think of the blonde chick? Mattressable, n'est pas?"
Parker: "You know the difference between a freshman girl and a toilet seat? A toilet seat doesn't follow you around after you use it."
Riley: "Well, I guess I like her."
Forrest: "You're kind of like a moron."
Riley: "So, you... you knew that I had feelings for her?"
Graham: "Everybody knows, man."
Forrest: "Oh, she's peculiar? Dead giveaway, buddy."Spike: "Forever and ever, mon petite creme brulee."
Harmony: "Ooh, Italian!"Forrest: "You know, I hate to say it, but they're probably on their way to make crazy naked sex."
Riley: "We do this the Professor's way."
Forrest: (cough) "Mama's boy."
Riley: "That's a nasty cough. You might need to spend the weekend in quarantine."
Forrest: "Oh, no. I'm done coughing."Forrest: "This is the burden we bear, brother. We have a gig that would inevitably cause any girl living to think we are cool upon cool. Yet, we must Clark Kent our way through the dating scene, never to use our unfair advantage. Thank god we're pretty."
Riley: "Buffy's special."
Forrest: "You think she's special? Wow, first 486 times you told me it didn't register, but now I see that you think she's special."
Riley: "See, you're naturally inclined to talk too much. I don't have that."
Forrest: "Then get with the kissing."
Riley: "You're telling me she doesn't exist."
Forrest: "Oh, wait a sec. Am I bursting somebody's bubble here? Maybe this is a bad time to tell you about the Easter Bunny."Giles: "Nothing is gonna happen." (leaves crypt)
Ethan: "I wouldn't say that. I wouldn't say that at all. In fact, Ripper, old mate, I'd say something rather interesting was about to happen..."
Giles: (re-entering) "Did someone...?"
Ethan: "Oh, bugger! I'd thought you'd gone!"Ethan: "Calm down. It's okay. Good Giles."
Ethan: "I've really got to learn to just do the damage and get out of town. It's the stay-and-gloat that gets me every time."
Riley: "You won't be disappointed in her. She's good at what she does. And she is one of the truest souls I've ever known."
Maggie Walsh: "Oh, no - oh, no! Spontaneous poetic exclamations. Lord, spare me college boys in love."Willy: "Look, if they see me dealing with you, then I'm just the same old Willy, working both sides of the street."
Buffy: "I'm gonna have to punch you, aren't I?"
Willy: "Just once, and it doesn't have to hurt. Just make it look good."
(Buffy cocks fist)
Willy: "Ow! Oh!"
Buffy: "Not yet - I haven't touched you!"Buffy: "I've been looking for you."
Faith: "I've been standing still for eight months, B. How hard you look?"Faith: "That's the thing about a coma. You wake up all rested and rejuvenated, and ready for payback."
Buffy: "So much for pleasantries, huh?"
Faith: "What'd you think, I'd wake up and we'd go for tea? You tried to gut me, Blondie."Faith: "I wake up to find this blond chick isn't even dating the guy she was so nuts about before. I mean, she's moved on to the first college beefstick she meets. And not only has she forgotten about the love of her life, she's forgotten all about the chick she nearly killed for him. So that's my dream. That and some stuff about cigars and a tunnel."
Faith: "Anyway, for real now, I'm gonna ask you something, and you gotta promise you'll be honest and not spare my feelings just 'cause I could kill you. You promise?"
Joyce: "I promise."
Faith: "Okay. How do I look?"
Joyce: "Psychotic."
Faith: "Hmmm, I was shooting for sultry, but hey..."Where it says Buffy (Faith) its Faith but in Buffy's body, if you see what I mean...
Joyce: "I've missed you."
Buffy (Faith): "'Cause I haven't visited, right? I knew it."Joyce: "But maybe, we could spend some time together soon? Some night when I'm not being held hostage by a raving psychotic."
Buffy (Faith): "Why, yes, I would be Buffy. May I help you? Buf-fy. You can't do that - it's wrong. You can't do that because it's naughty. Because it's wrong. Because it's wrong. You can't do that. It's wrong, I'll kick your ass. I'm gonna kill you."
Buffy (Faith): "Cops took her off my hands about an hour ago. Poetic justice."
Anya: "How's that?"
Buffy (Faith): "Well, she did all those crimes, and now she's being arrested. I guess that's just regular justice."Spike: "You know why I really hate you, Summers?"
Buffy (Faith): "'Cause I'm a stuck-up tight-ass with no sense of fun?"
Spike: "Well, yeah, that covers a lot of it."
Buffy (Faith): "'Cause I could do anything I want, and instead I choose to pout and whine and feel the burden of Slayerness? I mean, I could be rich, I could be famous, I could have anything. Anyone. Even you, Spike."Buffy (Faith): "I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I've got muscles you've never even dreamed of. I could squeeze you until you popped like warm champagne, and you'd beg me to hurt you just a little bit more. And you know why I don't? Because it's wrong."
Jonathan: "Well, it's good to know we're not walking into the unholy feast of something or other."
Jonathan: "Spike, you're the worst type of scum. the second you're back to your old tricks, well... let's just say, before you even sniff out your first victim, you'll be pretty indistinguishable from - oh, what should we say? - instant soup mix."
Spike: "No tricks?"
Adam: "Scout's honor."
Spike: "You were a boy scout?"
Adam: "Parts of me."Buffy: "Broke your arm."
Adam: "Got another. I've been upgrading."
Season 5Dracula: "You're known throughout the world."
Buffy: "Nah. Really?"
Dracula: "Why else would I come here -- for the sun?"Harmony: "What's your question?"
Cyrus: When are we gonna do it?"
Harmony: "Eww! That's rude. I barely know you. And you're a minion."Joyce: "This must be my two-teenage-girls-in-the-house headache. I thought it felt familiar."
Buffy: "Good work, Dawn. You gave her a headache."
Dawn: "I did not. Did I give you a headache, Mom? I'm sure part of it is Buffy's."
Buffy: "But part of it is Dawn's."
Joyce: "It's so nice you've learned to share."Harmony: "She won't give up until she's killed me to death."
Harmony: "Come on, Spike. Pretty please? I'll do anything."
Spike: "Anything, will you?"
Harmony: "Yeah, I said I'll do anything. Oh, you mean, will I have sex with you? Well, yeah."Joyce: "You want the cereal prize, but you don't want the cereal. You are growing up."
Spike: "Is it bigger than a breadbox?"
Harmony: "No. Four left."
Spike: "So it's smaller than a breadbox?"
Harmony: "No. Only three."
Spike: "Harmony, is it a sodding breadbox?"
Harmony: "Yes! Oh my god. Someone's Blondie Bear is a 20-questions genius!"Graham: "You used to have a mission. And now you're what, the mission's boyfriend? The mission's true love?"
Joyce: "So neither of you's pregnant, failing, or under indictment? Just checking."
Joyce: "The headaches they said would go away came back and brought some friends along with."
Buffy: "So they don't know what's wrong?"
Joyce: "Well, not yet."
Buffy: "Well, that's unacceptable. I think we should get a second opinion."
Joyce: "Well, we need a first opinion first, honey."Dawn: "You can't patrol. Buffy said."
Buffy: "No, I didn't."
Dawn: "Yeah, remember? You said it'd be easier if you didn't have to look out for anybody?"
Buffy: "Well, I wasn't talking about Riley."
Riley: "Don't worry about it."
Dawn: "Oh, she just said you look even cuter when you're all weak and kitten-y, and she'd better go solo, or you'd get hurt."Ben: "Not to be rampantly sexist in the workplace, but you got some serious muscles for a girl."
Buffy: "I, um..."
Ben: "Radioactive spider bite."
Buffy: "How'd you guess?"Glory: "Oh god, please don't tell me I was fighting a vampire slayer! How unbelievably common. If I had friends and they heard about this..."
Joyce: "I'm fine, bordering on chipper, and tomorrow planning on being obnoxious."
Drusilla: "Oh, I see you. A man surrounded by fools who cannot see his strength, his vision, his glory. That, and burning baby fish swimming all around your head."
Glory: "Does this pump make my ankle look boney?"
Dreg: "No, no. No, your terrifically smooth one, it is the epitome of ankles. To touch such an ankle would be-- but I'm not touching, I'm backing away. (Glory throws shoe at him, hits him on head) Ow! Thank you."Glory: "Dreg, is it?"
Dreg: "Yes, Dreg. Your creamy coolness has honored me by speaking my name. Your voice is like a thousand sweet songbirds that--"
Glory: "Yeah, I never tire of hearing that."Glory: "Let your vision guide you to its hiding place and then return to me and tell me where it lies. (pause) Now would be good."
Olaf: "You do well to flee, townspeople. I will pillage your lands and dwellings. I will burn your crops and make merry with your more attractive daughters."
Olaf: "Barmaid, bring me stronger ale, and some plump, succulent babies to eat."
Tara: "Are you sure they're English? I thought English people were, uh, gentler... than normal people."
Glory: "I have been cooling my heels in this crappy little town long enough. Sunnydale's got too many demons and not enough retail outlets."
Jinx: "All you need is the key."
Glory: "Yes, and I bet Mousey the Vampire Slayer has an idea where it is."Giles: "If you're serious about this, madam, you need to be very careful. Measure precisely, and please, don't step ahead."
Quentin: "Oh, he's quite right. You wouldn't want to do anything dangerous. Turn the wrong person... into a badger."Professor: "They held the tenet that in order to be forgiven, one first had to sin. Rasputin embraced this doctrine and proceeded to sin impressively and repeatedly."
Professor: "Maybe you'd prefer I'd step aside so the you can teach your own course: Speculation 101 perhaps? Intro to Flights of Fancy?"
Ben: "Don't touch me -- you're... crusty."
Jinx: "She's short, symmetrical, hair on top. Buffy something?"
Glory: "All he has to do is turn over that tiny, squirming, Slayer girl!"
Glory: "Sweet, lumpy minion. You're the only one that understands. Probably because I haven't sucked your brain out yet."
Spike: "Heard of me, have you?"
Watcher: "I... wrote my thesis on you."Joyce: "I love what you've, um, neglected to do with the place."
Quentin: "Uh... Rupert..."
Giles: "Quentin?"
Quentin: "When we inventoried your shop, we found a bottle of single-malt Scotch behind the incense holders..."
Giles: "It's--it's not, you know, during working hours..."
Quentin: "I think I could use a glass."Monk: "The Knights of Byzantium are like ants. First you see one, then two... then the picnic's ruined."
Ben: "What is she going to do? Send a six-pack of minions to bore me to death?"
Glory: "Ugh, cotton! Could a fabric be more annoyingly pedestrian? Now this is what I'm talking about. Makes your skin sing!"
Glory: "I'm in a bit of a crunch here, so let's cut right to the ooey, gooey center. Your sister, the Slayer, has my key. It's mine, I want it. Do you know where she squirreled it away? There's ice cream and puppy dogs in it for you if you start singing."
Dawn: "Is it evil?"
Glory: "Totally! Well, no, not really."Glory: "Two birds, one stone, and boom. You have yummy dead birds."
Harmony: "Oh, I'm gonna stake you! I'm coming after you, you bad, evil vampire, and I'm gonna slay you! I'm sneaking up, and I'm gonna stake you so much, with my slaying powers that I have because I'm the Chosen-- eek! Oh, Spike!"
Spike: "Sounds fun."
Drusilla: "It is. Like lollipops at the circus."Harmony: "Now you've gone and picked up some cheap Queen of the damned to dress up like your precious Droodzilla."
Harmony: "No threesomes unless it's boy, boy, girl. Or Charlize Theron."
Harmony: "After breaking my sweet Boo-Boo's heart!"
Drusilla: [mouths to Spike] "Boo-Boo?"Harmony: "I gave you the best bunch of months of my life!"
Guy: "What are you looking for in Sunnydale, anyway?"
April: "True love."Tara: "Willow's good with all that computer stuff, but me not so much. Do you really understand all that?"
Anya: "Oh, well at first it was confusing. Just the idea of computers was like, 'Whoa, I'm 1100 years old.' I had trouble adjusting to the idea of Lutherans."
Tara: "I go on-line sometimes, but everyone's spelling is really bad. It's depressing."Buffy: "And again with the non-medical clothing."
Ben: "Well, actually, these are orthopedic pants." (pause) "Man, that sounded so funny in my head."Ben: "Was that guy bothering you? Should I offer to get inappropriately violent or something?"
Buffy: "What's that?"
Ben: "Oh, yeah, my phone number. I was gonna try to subtly work it into the conversation, but it didn't pan out, and I thought I should try to give it to you before you see me dance."Buffy: "I think you should know that I kind of have this bad history in which, you know, we go get coffee and, well, it all ends with you leaving town, and you just got here and everything..."
Ben: "Apparently we'd be risking a tragic chain reaction, but I just really like... coffee. I think coffee might be worth it. And I would like to get to know coffee better."Buffy: "I didn't even see a good-night kiss. It all looked pretty tame to me."
Joyce: "I suppose, by your standards, it could seem pretty... Oh, dear."
Buffy: "What?"
Joyce: "I left my bra in his car."
Buffy: "Mother!"
Joyce: "I'm joking."
Buffy: "Good god, that's horrible. Don't do that."
Joyce: "I left it in the restaurant."
Buffy: "No more! No more! No more!"
Joyce: "On the dessert cart."Tara: "She practically had 'genuine molded plastic' stamped on her ass." (everyone looks at her, startled) "Just trying a little spicy talk."
Willow: "I had too much nog."
Tara: "Oh, baby. Want me to rub your tummy? She likes it when I...Uh, stop explaining things."Joyce: "You are a demon child."
Buffy: "I live to torment you. Is that so wrong?"
Joyce: "A daughter's duty, I suppose."Willow: "The only thing is, it will get better, I promise."
Dawn: "You don't know that."
Tara: "Sure she does! We're witches. We know stuff."Ben: "Tell my sister I'm sick of running into her Jawa rejects."
Ben: "You're more fun when I hit you."
Jinx: "It's just-- Glory would like to encourage this interest of yours in the Slayer. It might lead to more information about The Key."
Ben: "And why would I share that with the Most Unstable One?"Flunky: "I'm sure Jinx is on his way, Your New-And-Improvedness!"
Glory: "Jinxy! Oh, no! No, no! -- Mind the rug, Honeys, blood's a bitch. -- Was this the Slayer? I'll pull her wings off!"
Glory: "Jinx! You robed stud! You're my man! I'm even gonna let you slide on the lame toadying, on account of you're dying and stuff!"
(Jinx expires)
Glory: "Oh. Get him fixed, would you? I want to hear the full story again, without all that annoying moaning."Willow: "Those darn Salem judges, with their Less-Satanic-Than-Thou attitudes!"
Tara: "Oh honey, let's change it. The Discovery Channel has koala bears." >p? Tara: "Everyone? Before we jump all over her: People do strange things when someone they love dies. When I lost my mother I did some pretty dumb stuff, like lying to my family and staying out all night."
Anya: "Buffy's boinking Spike."
(pause) Willow: "Oh... well, Tara's right. Grief can be powerful... and we shouldn't judge..."
Tara: "What, are you kidding? She's nuts!"Glory: (re: Spike) "What the hell is that? And why is its hair that color?"
Flunky: We will bring you the limp and beaten body of Bob Barker!"
Dawn: "We're safe. Right. And Spike built a robot Buffy to play checkers with." Tara: "It sounded convincing when I thought it!"
Ben: "Can I just tell you its not my fault?"
Ben's Ex-Boss: "Sure. You can also tell me that the dog ate your homework. Or maybe eating Twinkies made you do it. Or maybe, yeah, that there's really a wicked demonic creature living inside you that takes control of your body and forces you to do its bidding."Ben: "This is so unfair. You're taking everything away from me. Everything I worked for, I earned, I care about. These are my choices, this is my life, and you're ruining it! No. No. Not here. Not now. Please. I'm Ben. I'm Ben! I'm Ben, I'm Ben, I'm Ben, I'm Ben, I'm Ben, I'm Ben!"
(morphs)
Glory: "I'm hungry!"Glory: (sigh) "They got this part right that's for sure. A lot of sucky things in this dimension. Bubble bath-- not one of them!"
Willow: "I'd be totally blowing off classes if I were in Dawny's shoes."
Tara: "Sweetie, you wouldn't blow off a class if your head was on fire."Tara: "No, please! I mean, tell me if I said something wrong. Otherwise I know I'll say it again -- probably often and in public."
Tara: "Is that 'no' spelled 'y-e-s'?"
Glory: "You know, I think I'm a little buzzed from eating that witch. What a mind she had! Mmmm, nummy treat."
Glory: "Did anybody order an apocalypse?"
Minion: "Oh yes, Inappropriate humor. Most amusing. Don't suppose you know what led to this sartorial tragedy?"
Minion: "I just thought maybe after her Magnificent Incandescence was returned to this manly and... painfully handsome assemblage you might have noticed something interesting?"
Minion: "No one can stand against Her Blindingly Scrumptious Luminescence!"
Ben: "Glory. Her name is Glory, and she's your God, you little scab, not mine!"
Minion: "With all due respect -- and fear of sharp objects-- you exist, sir, only because of Her Divine Greatness."
Ben: "You mean Her Divine Failure, don't you?"Ben: "You know why I wanted to become a doctor?"
Minion: "Flattering drawstring pants?"Tara: (re: Dawn) "So pretty! Can I have one?"
Minion: "It's coming. The signs are in alignment. Soon victory will be in our grasp. All we need do is seize the moment... and squeeze until it bleeds."
Buffy: "Look, I know this must seem extra-Outer Limits to you." Ben: "This? Nah, I've seen things you wouldn't believe. You know: Emergency room, full moon on a Saturday night."
Murk: "Quickly! Quickly! Already we are behind schedule. Someone's bound for a beheading; let's make sure it's not me."
Gronx: "Why do we remain when our moment of triumph lies so close at hand?"
Murk: "The Glorious One, having acquired much in this world, does not exactly travel light."
Glory: "Hey! Minions. I can hear you. God-like ears... don't miss much, know what I'm saying?"Gronx: "'Twas he who blasphemed, your magnificence."
Murk: "Spurred on by treacherous urging!"
Glory: "Guys, I'm not gonna kill you. Not in the mood. What do you think that's about?"
Gronx: "In mercy does your power lie."
Glory: "No, brainless. In torture, death and chaos does my power lie. So tell me. Why am I not popping your head like a zit right now?"Glory: "I'm just a little tight in this skin, is all. I've been waiting an eternity--well, 25 human years--and it all comes down to tonight."
Glory: "You know, you recapture your Godhood and unleash Armageddon? All of a sudden everybody wants to be part of the inner circle."
Glory: "You want a pizza? Pillow? I don't know if this thing gets cable. Doubtful."
Dawn: (Hits ben with chain) "I'm sorry."
Glory: "'Sorry'? That actually hurt, you pre-pubescent puke."Glory: "Okay, first thought, just totally spontaneous, unfiltered, off the top of my head? "Ow!!" You hit Ben in his soft human head. And I remember the pain!"
Glory: "No. NO! Little late in the game to start growing a backbone, Benjamin. Now be good and stay quiet."
Glory: "No *you* don't! Get over yourself, Ben! This is the way things are! I'm strong, you're weak, this is reality. Stop trying to infect me with your..."
Ben: "Do you ever stop talking? I don't know which is worse, waking up in a dress not knowing where I've been, or having to hear all your self-involved ranting."Glory: "Benjamin. What are you doing?"
Ben: "You need her blood? When I'm through there won't be enough left to fill a bottle cap. Then you, Hellbitch, have nowhere left to go."Teen: "Don't hurt me..."
Vampire: "Don't hurt you? I'm gonna rip your throat out and suck on your arteries like they was soda pop straws. I don't get how 'don't hurt me' works into that scenario."Ben: "I think it'll be quick."
Minion: "Actually, sir, the bleeding is quite a slow process, to give the portal time..."
Ben: "Thank you for the information."Glory: "Oh, I need a brain to eat."
Minion: "Oh! Take mine, Oh Groove-tastic One!"
Glory: "I said a brain, you worthless dirt!"Minion: "Oh, Most Sweaty-Naughty-Feelings-Causing One!"
Minion: "This will be our day of glory!"
Minion 2: "Well, punned!"
Minion: "Well, it just called out to me."Doc: "I don't smell a soul on you anywhere. Why do you care?"
Spike: "I made a promise to a lady."
Doc: "Oh? ...Then I'll send the lady your regrets.Quotes till the end of Season 5