Season 1
Willow: "I thought Xander was gonna' show up."
Buffy: "Oh, are you guys going out?"
Willow: "No, we're just friends. We used to go out, but we broke up."
Buffy: "How come?"
Willow: "He stole my Barbie."Willow: "I don't actually date a whole lot...lately."
Buffy: "Why not?"
Willow: "Well, when I'm with a boy I like, it's hard for me to say anything cool or witty or at all. I can usually make a few vowel sounds, and then I have to go away."Willow: "Oh, I--I need to sit down."
Buffy: "You are sitting down."
Willow: "Oh, good for me."Giles: "Why should someone want to harm Cordelia?"
Willow: "Maybe because they met her? Did I say that?"
Season 2
Xander: "Dreams are meaningful."
Willow: "Sheesh, tell me about it. The other night, I dreamt that Xander--uh, it wasn't Xander. I-In fact, it wasn't me. It was a friend's dream, and she doesn't remember it."Willow: "Nothing in here but back issues of Scientific American. Ooh! I haven't read this one."
Xander: "Hmm, and we thought just because we didn't have any money or any place to go, this'd be a lackluster evening."
Willow: "I know! We could go to the Bronze, and sneak in our own tea bags and ask for hot water."Buffy: "You're missing the whole point of Halloween."
Willow: "Free candy?!"
Buffy: "It's 'come as you aren't' night. The perfect chance for a girl to get sexy and wild with no repercussions."
Willow: "Oh, I don't get wild. Wild on me equals spaz."Angel: "I guess I need help."
Willow: "Help? You mean, like on homework? No, 'cause...you're old, and you already know stuff."
Angel: "I want you track someone down...on the 'net."
Willow: "Oh, great! I'm so the 'net girl."Willow: "Uh, Angel, if I say something you really don't want to hear, do you promise not to bite me?"
Willow: "Hey!!! We don't have time for this, our friends are in trouble. Now we have to put our heads together and, and get them out of it. And if you two aren't with me a hundred and ten percent, then get the hell out of my library!"
Willow: "Don't warn the tadpoles!!!"
Giles: "'Don't warn the tadpoles'?"
Willow: "I...I have frog fear."Buffy: "You can't spend the rest of your life waiting for Xander to wake up and smell the hottie. Make a move. Do the talking thing."
Willow: "What if the 'talking thing' becomes the 'awkward silence thing'?"Willow: "I said 'date'."
Willow: "My God, you people are all...well, I'm upset and I can't think of a mean word right now, but that's what you are and we're going to the factory!"
Willow: "I knew it! I knew it! Well, not 'knew it' in the sense of having the slightest idea, but I knew there was something I didn't know! You two were fighting way too much, it's not natural!"
Xander: "I know it's weird--"
Willow: "'Weird'? It's against all laws of God and Man! It's...Cordelia, remember? Th-the We Hate Cordelia Club of which you are the Treasurer!"
Xander: "Look, I was gonna' tell you."
Willow: "Gee, what stopped you? Could it be shame?"Willow: "Let's get this straight. I don't understand it. I don't wanna' understand it. You have gross emotional problems. And things are not okay between us."
Buffy: "What guy could resist your wily Willow charms?"
Willow: "At last count? All of them. Maybe more."Willow: "Great, I'll give Xander a call. What's his number? Oh yeah, 1-800-IM-DATING-A-SKANKY-HO."
Buffy: "Meow!"
Willow: "Really? Thanks, I've never gotten a 'meow' before."Buffy: "Have you dropped hints?"
Willow: "I've dropped anvils."Willow: "Well, I like you. You're nice, and you're funny, and you don't smoke. Yeah, okay, werewolf, but...that's not all the time. I mean, three days out of the month, I'm not much fun to be around either."
Willow: "My boyfriend's in the band."
Amy: "Cool."
Buffy: "I think you've now told everybody."
Willow: "Only in this hemisphere."Willow: "Really?! Me? Teach the class?! Sure!"
Jenny: "Cool."
Willow: "Oh wait. What if they don't recognize my authority? What if they try to convince me that you always let them leave class early? What if there's a fire drill? What if there's a fire?!"Willow: "Giles! I made them laugh. Did you hear? I did...the joke thing."
Buffy: "I don't want you putting yourself in any danger, Will."
Willow: "And I don't want danger. Big no to danger."Willow: "I don't wanna' be our only hope. I crumble under pressure. Let's have another hope."
Season 3
Xander: "I can't wait to see Cordelia! I can't believe I can't wait to see Cordelia."
Willow: "I wonder what our first homework assignment's going to be! Hey, you're excited over Cordelia, okay? We've all got issues."Buffy: "I'm the bad. I can take my lumps... for a while."
Willow: "All right. I'll stop giving you a hard time... runaway."
Buffy: "Will!"
Willow: "I'm sorry... quitter."Willow: "What if they're lying in wait to arrest me and, and throw me in detention and mar my unblemished record?"
Willow: "Mmm, sage. I love that smell. And Marnox root. You know, a smidge of this mixed with a virgin's saliva..."
Giles: "..."
Willow: "... does something I know nothing about."
Buffy: "Willow, it's okay that you're helping Cordelia. We're best friends. I'm not going to hold it against you."
Willow: "No, I'm not a friend, I'm a rabid dog who should be shot. But there are forces at work here, dark, incomprehensible forces."Willow: "Kiss rocks? Why would anyone want to--oh, wait, I get it."
Willow: "This is a nightmare. This is... my world is spinning."
Xander: "It's not that bad, Willow, really."
Willow: "740? Verbal?? I'm pathetic! Illiterate! I'm Cletus, the slack-jawed yokel."Willow: "1430! Buffy, you kicked ass! Okay, so academic achievement gets me a little excited."
Willow: "It's a very intimate situation. It's all sexy, with the smoke and the sweating, and the shoe rental..."
Xander: "You're turned on by rented shoes?"
Willow: "That's not the issue."Spike: "That smell, your neck. I haven't had a woman in weeks."
Willow: "Now, hold on! I'll do your spell for you, and, and, I'll get you Drusilla back, but there will be no bottle in face, and there will be no "having" of any kind with me. All right?"Willow: "That's right, puppy. Willow's gonna make you bark."
Buffy: "What are you doing for Christmas?"
Willow: "Being Jewish. Remember, people? Not everybody worships Santa."Sheila Rosenberg: "Willow, you cut off your hair. That's a new look."
Willow: "Yeah, it's just a sudden whim I had--in August."Willow: "Mom, I'm not an age group. I'm me. Willow group."
Willow: "I'm a rebel. I'm having a rebellion."
Shelia Rosenberg: "Oh, Willow!"
Willow: "I worship Beelzebub. I do his biddings. Do you see any goats around? No, because I sacrificed them."Willow: "All bow before Satan!"
Sheila Rosenberg: "I'm not listening to this."
Willow: "Prince of Night, I summon you! Come fill me with your black, naughty evil."Willow: "Now, when you say fired, do you mean fired?"
Xander: "You're not cruising past that concept any time soon, are you?"
Willow: "Well, it's just-- I mean, he's been fired. He's, he's unemployed. He's between jobs."
Buffy: "Giles isn't going anywhere, Will. He's still librarian."
Willow: "Okay, but I'm writing an angry letter."Buffy: "Willow, you okay?"
Willow: "Yeah, I'm fine. The shaking is a side effect of the fear."Buffy: "Should I burn them?" (referring to demons)
Willow: "I brought marshmallows. (stunned silence) Occasionally, I'm callous and strange."Buffy: "Do you remember the demon that almost got out the night I died?"
Willow: "Every nightmare I had that doesn't revolve around academic failure or public nudity is about that thing. In fact, once I dreamt that it attacked me while I was late for a test, and naked."Willow: "Oh, Buffy. Don't cry. I'm sorry. I was too hard on you. Sometimes I unleash. I don't know my own strength. It's bad. I'm bad. I'm a bad, bad, bad person."
Buffy: "He even has that test to see if you're crazy that asks if you ever hear voices or if you ever wanted to be a florist."
Willow: "Ooh, I used to want... Wait, florist means crazy, right? I never wanted to do that."Willow: "I'm eating this now. It's not lunch time, I don't even care."
Willow: "Old reliable? Yeah, great. There's a sexy nickname."
Buffy: "Well, I didn't mean it as..."
Willow: "No, it's fine, I'm Old Reliable."
Xander: "She just means, you know, the geyser. You're like a geyser of fun that goes off at regular intervals."
Willow: "That's Old Faithful."
Xander: "Isn't that the dog that the guy had to shoot...?"
Willow: "That's Old Yeller."Willow: "Maybe I'm not just some doormat person. Homework gal."
Xander: "I'm thinking nerve strike."
Willow: "Maybe I'll change my look. Or cut class. You don't know. And I'm eating this banana. Lunchtime be damned."
Buffy: "Will, wait. I'm really sorry."
Willow: "Buff, I'm storming off. It doesn't really work if you come with me."Willow: "You heard right, mister! I'm always ready to work some dark mojo. So, tell me, is it dangerous?"
Anya: "Oh, no."
Willow: "Well, could we pretend it is?"Buffy: "Now, you're sure you're up to this?"
Willow: "Don't worry. I won't do anything that could be interpreted as brave."Cordelia: "What? Do I have something on my neck?"
Evil Willow: "Not yet."Willow: "Buffy did the reading? Buffy understood the reading?"
Xander: "I can't help it. It's my nature."
Willow: "Maybe you need a better nature."Faith: "You hurt me, I hurt you. I'm just a little more efficient."
Willow: "Oh, and here I just thought you didn't have a comeback."Willow: "So Faith was like, 'I'm gonna beat you up,' and I'm all, 'I'm not afraid of you.' And then she had the knife, which was less fun."
Willow: "She's right. I mean, you've seen one big hairy bringer of death, you've seen them all."
Harmony: "You know, I really wish we could have got to know each other better."
Willow: "Me, too."
Harmony: "I mean, you're so smart. I always wanted to be like that."
Willow: "Thanks, you're so sweet!"
Harmony: "I hope we don't lose touch."
Willow: "No, we'll hang out. Oh, I'm gonna miss her."
Buffy: "Don't you hate her?"
Willow: "Yes, with a fiery vengeance. She picked on me for 10 years. The vacuous tramp. It's like a sickness, Buffy. I'm just missing everything. I miss P.E."Willow: "Oh, this is frustrating."
Oz: "Nothing useful?"
Willow: "No, it's great... if we want to make ferns invisible, or communicate with shrimp, I've got the goods right here."Oz: "You think I don't care?"
Willow: "I think we could be dead in two days time, and you're being ironic detachment guy."
Oz: "Would it help you if I panicked?"
Willow: "Yes! It'd be swell."Willow: "I feel different, you know? But I guess that makes sense. Do you feel different? Oh, no, you've already... Probably no big change for you. It was nice. Was it nice? Should this be a quiet moment?"
Season 4
Willow: "Buffy wouldn't just take off. That's just not in her nature. Except for that one time she disappeared for several months and changed her name, but there were circumstances then."
Willow: "Toenails?"
Buffy: "Evil toenails. I took them off the floor last night when she was in the bathroom. She thought I was asleep."
Willow: "Good thinking. 'Cause in the middle of the night, those toenails could have attacked you and left little half-moon marks all over your body."Willow: "Hey, look, Parker's here."
Buffy: "Yeah."
Willow: "You're not looking? He looks really cute in green."
Buffy: "Teal. He's reflected in the mirror."
Willow: "You know, when you spend all week with a guy, you're allowed to look at him directly."Willow: "Did it happen with Parker?"
Buffy: "Yeah, it happened."
Willow: "Well, and? Details! I mean, not details, I don't need a diagram. But, you know, like maybe a blurry watercolor."Willow: "We have to make sure she has fun. We have to force fun upon her. Yeah, and if Parker shows up, we'll just ax-murder him. That's halloweenie."
Willow: "Look, we found the stairs. Buffy didn't find the stairs, no sir."
Willow: "He deserves a torturous and slow death by spider bites. Well, for today we'll just have to throw spitballs at his neck in class."
Willow: "She shared something very intimate with you, and you act like it's nothing more than a bag of... some kind of snack food."
Parker: "Willow, I'm not sure I need to explain my actions here. But if that's what you want..."
Willow: "Yes. Followed by an admission of undeniable guilt, but go on."Willow: "Because the Bronze is nice and familiar. It's like a big comfy blankie."
Oz: "Will, I was under the impression that I was your big comfy blankie."
Willow: "Aw, you're my person blankie. This is my place blankie."Willow: "Okay, say that I help. And you start a conversation. It goes great. You like Buffy, she likes you. You spend time together, feelings grow deeper, and one day, without even realizing it, you find you're in love. Time stops, and it feels like the whole world is made for you two, and you two alone. Until the day one of you leaves, and rips the still-beating heart from the other, who's now a broken, hollow, mockery of the human condition."
Riley: "Yep, that's the plan."
Willow: "I figured it was."Willow: "Why should I trust you?"
Riley: "Just sort of hoping you'd think I have an honest face."
Willow: "I've seen honest faces before. They usually come attached to liars."Spike: "I'm only 126!"
Willow: "You're being too hard on yourself. Why don't we wait a half an hour and try again?"
Willow: "Oh, thought... we're just assuming someone else cut off the ear. What if it was self-inflicted, like Van Gogh?"
Buffy: "So, she brutally stabs herself, dumped the body, then cut off her own ear?"
Willow: "No, she cut off her ear, then killed herself, then dumped the body... I'm really off my game, aren't I?"Willow: "See, I don't get that. All this "leaving for her own good" garbage. Because that's what it is! You can't just give up because there's obstacles. You know, what kind of--"
Angel: "Willow."
Willow: "Sorry. My stuff."Buffy: "So, not stellar, huh?"
Willow: "Talk. All talk. Blah, blah, Gaia. Blah, blah, moon. Menstrual life-force power thingy."Spike: "I mean, am I even remotely scary anymore? Tell me the truth."
Willow: "Well, the shirt is kinda... not very threatening. And the short pants... But, you know, it could also be 'cause I know you can't bite. Which I guess isn't what you really need to hear right now..."Xander: "Want one?"
Willow: "No, thanks. Those things usually taste kind of tasteless, then leave a bad aftertastelessness."Buffy: "That would never happen."
Willow: "Well, no, Buff, that's why they call them cartoons, not documentaries."Willow: "Thanks for coming with. Hunting for a psychopathic super-bitch is definitely in the above-and-beyond category."
Tara: "It's okay, really. So, what do we do if we find her?"
Willow: "Run. Flee. Maybe skedaddle."Willow: "What?"
Tara: "You said recon. You're, like, cool monster-fighter."
Willow: "Well, technically, Faith isn't a monster. And as far as fighting, I'd be lucky to bruise her fist with my face."Willow: "She's like this cleavagey slutbomb walking around going, 'Ooh, check me out. I'm wicked cool. I'm five-by-five.'"
Tara: "Five-by-five? Five what by five what?"
Willow: "See, that's the thing. No one knows."Buffy (Faith): "Faith is evil."
Willow: "Yeah, I hope they throw the book at her."
Giles: "I'm not sure there is a book for this."
Willow: "They could throw other things."Willow: "I wish those Council guys would let me have an hour alone in the room with her... if I was larger and had grenades."
Willow: "We'll get together with Buffy another time. Sometime soon. I think you'll really like her."
Tara: "She's not your friend."
Willow: "I may have overestimated the 'you liking her' factor."
Tara: "Do you like cats?"
Willow: "I'm more of a dog person, myself. But I'm not, like, death to all cats."Riley: "We got demons coming out our ears."
Willow: "That's a metaphor."
Tara: "I got it, thanks."
Willow: "I'm overhelping, aren't I?"Oz: "This warlock in Romania sent me to the monks there to learn some meditation techniques. Very intense. All about keeping your inner cool."
Willow: "Good. 'Cause you were such a spaz before."Spike: "Can you fix 'em?"
Willow: "Crack a government encryption code on my laptop? Easy as really difficult pie."
Spike: "You're not exactly the whiz these days, either. God, I'm never gonna get paid."
Willow: "I am a whiz."
Tara: "She is a whiz."
Willow: "If ever a whiz there was."Tara: "Things aren't going very well."
Willow: "No! This drama class is just... I think they're really just doing things in the proper way, and now I'm in a play, and my whole family's out there, and why is there a cowboy in "Death of A Salesman", anyway?"Willow: "I don't know why it's after me."
Buffy: "Well, you must have done something."
Willow: "No, I never do anything. I'm very seldom naughty."
Season 5