Better Stick to the Trading Cards

Standard newspaper response, though possibly more sarcastic than any of the others I have run across. I wish I was the most existential cartoon character. Admittedly, mind you, he has a point about the Public Service Announcement tacked onto the ending. Tell us what you really thought, Jeff!

 Written by Jeff Giles for Newsweek. November eighth, 1999

   Possibly it will not shock you to hear thatPokémon: The First Movie is God-awful. Bad storytelling. Retrograde animation. This movie's got it all. What's a little surprising, though, is how dark, ominous and pretentious--how crazily unfun--the movie is. Will you be able to keep your kids away? Of course not. On the upside, it's hard to imagine them wanting to see it twice.

   "Pokémon" is a "Frankenstein" parable. An evil scientist has found a fossil of the great Pokémon Mew and extracted DNA. In a gloomy underwater lab, he creates a fearsome clone called Mewtwo. Mewtwo has issues. "These humans care nothing for me," he gravely intones. "Am I just an experiment?" Apparently, he's not just the world's strongest Pokémon--he's the most existential. Mewtwo turns psycho and invites people who train Pokémon to his storm-racked castle. He wants to build an evil army of Pokémon clones to kill everyone and everything. Ash, Misty and Brock--friendly kids from the TV show--turn up with Pikachu and posse, and set about saving the day, world, etc.

   It's worth giving away a few last-minute plot details just so you know when your kindergartner is going to start crying. In the final battle, Pikachu, that adorable Teletubby wanna-be, gets menaced, then sees his beloved Ash lying dead on the battlefield. You know Ash will somehow be brought back to life. Your kids may not. The movie ends with the obligatory--and mind-blowingly hypocritical--revelation that fighting is bad. This movie is worse.