This page is about me and my new life partner: ovarian cancer. I may not be able to email or call everyone during this time, but this is where you can always come to see how I'm doing, see what's running through my mind, and all the updates in my life.

I've moved my journal to http://lindabear76.blogspot.com. I ran out of space here on geocities. Feel free to visit this page whenever you like. Pictures will still be here but I wont be posting any new entries on this website anymore.

Sorry I haven't posted anything in awhile. I'm doing just great. It's been 1month since my last chemo! It's the best feeling. Last weekend Gerry and I put together a BBQ to celebrate surviving months of chemo. It was a GREAT turn out. I'll have pictures soon.

My body is still sore. My muscles are so stiff. Every morning it hurts to step out of bed. It's tough walking up stairs. My mind and spirit is up, but my body just isn't bouncing back as fast as I want it.

Right now, I'm sitting in a hotel room here in sunny San Diego. (Free wireless internet *yea*!). It is SO BEAUTIFUL here (well, not the hotel). It's breath taking. The weather couldn't be better. 75 degrees without a cloud in site. This trip is well deserved. A little treat for the beating I've taken these last few months. This is Gerry's first time in San Diego. I've been here 2 times already, but I can't get enough of this city. We'll be heading out to Sea World tomorrow. we'll spend the weekend at different beaches, check out Seaport Village and Balboa park and later drive up to La Jolla. This is going to be a great weekend. We'll be out here for 5 days. Watch out for the pictures coming soon.

I stepped out on my own for the first time in a week. I need to stretch my legs. Well, I didn't actually do a whole lot of walking. Just went out to check my PO Box, got a nice refreshing Aloha Pinapple from Jamba Juice and headed back home. Actually, just from that, walking back to to apartment got my heart rate going.
I got all the way to the elevator and realized I forgot my Jamba Juice in the car! I headed back to the car, when I got a call from a friend. I started chatting with her while standing in the parking lot. I saw this cute little tiny kitten run past me. Couldn't have been more than a few weeks old (looked about the size Snowball was when I took her home -she was 5wks old). So I'm talking to my friend on the phone... when I hear this cat cry. I'm looking around... I don't see anything. It get's louder! I'm thinking, ok that kitten is probably having a fight with another cat. I start heading to my car and I still hear the kitten... which is now screaming. I'm looking around this truck that's parked next to mine and I heard the scream again. I look down... I see the kitten's little head wedged between the truck's wheel and the cement block thingy! Poor thing was trying to push through but got stuck. Dumb cat! I wanted to help somehow. I tried to use my foot to push his head so he'll know to back up. The kitten screamed again. I wanted to pull him out... but I didn't want to touch him either. It's still a stray cat! The kitten closed his eyes... and looked like he was going to die. I felt so sad. Then another little kitten comes around (I'm thinking it's his sibling.. they looked about the same age)- probably thinking the same thing I did...DUMB CAT! good thing I know which apartment the owner of the truck lives in. We actually got home at the same time. I knock on his door and asked if he could kindly move his truck back to save this little kitten's life. I think he thought I was joking or something. Why would I joke about something like this????!! With my luck this guy probably hates cats. As we are walking over to the truck I explained to him how I found the kitten by his cries. And from the way he said this... he didn't sound like a cat lover.. he was like.."yeah, there's alot of stray cats around here..." It was just the tone of his voice. So we get to the truck and I show him the helpless -now looking lifeless- kitten that's wedged under his tire. The guy let out "Oh gees". I thought I heard a little compasion in his voice. He starts up the truck and backs it up a bit. The kitten suddenly comes to life .. not knowing where to run.... He ends up jumping up into the wheel well of the truck!!
DUMB CAT!

I want to take those kittens home.

I think I am going to turn into one of those old ladies with 50 cats....
I found Snowball infront of Albertsons (grocery store) -i could have swore she called out to me. I was walking into the store not even being aware of my surroundings...when I hear this little cry. I stopped in my tracks... and backed up. There she was... in a box with 3 other kittens and a little boy holding the box sitting on a bench. I went over and picked her up. She was SO TINY! I asked the kid how much he was selling the kittens for. He said free. And pointed at the box...which said.."free". He told me his cat had babies and his mother told him he couldn't keep the kittens. He also told me they were 2months old -which I found out to be a lie when I took her to the vet.. vet told me she couldn't be more than 5weeks old by the looks of her teeth. I ended up bottle feeding her first-. So I'm standing there.. with this kitten in my hands. Thinking........ should i? I put her down... and told the kid I'll be back after I do my shopping. Right away I called Gerry... and I asked him... "if i had an oppurtunity to get a cat ..for free, should I?" He was like... "I don't care... it's up to you." See, Gerry (at the time.. or so he said) was not a cat lover....said he was allergic to them. I tired to shop, but found myself right in the pet aisle. And I swear.. I heard her calling my name. I was in the store for not even 10 mins, I went back out and took Snowball home. Actually, I took her to Petco to get some cat supplies. Then took her to Gerry's work to show her off. Gerry fell instantly in love. =) (with snowball that is). That was 2 years ago... my has time gone by so fast. She's all grown up now!

Monday... 1 more day of Neupogen. Last night my body started aching pretty bad. I had a hard time sleeping. I'm expecting Tuesday and Wednesday to be worse. Once Wednesday comes around... and I go in for my lab... That's it! No more chemo, no more shots!

So, what happens next? Every 3months a blood test and a visit with the oncologist. Looks like this is what I'll be doing for awhile. Definately for the first year. My doctor said, he'll keep a close eye on me. If the cancer comes back within 6 months, then the cancer was more aggressive than they thought, and I'd need a stronger dose of chemo. If it comes back after the 6months, then I'd go back to 6 more rounds of the same chemo. Let's just hope this is it forever. I don't have to do any CT scans or anything, unless I feel like something's wrong. CT scans are not fun... so I'm glad I don't need one. For those of you who had CT/PET scans knows what I mean. Calling Barium smoothies doesn't make it taste any better. *yuck*!

I never thought this day would come. I remember day 1... how horrible I felt. #6 seemed so far away. It's been a looooooooooong 5months. Chemo yesterday went really well. They used a fresh vein, one they never used before. It did start to hurt right at the end. It's weird... my arm always starts to hurt at the end of the Carbo when the saline kicks in. At the end of the infusion, the nurses came out singing@! "its your graduation day today..!" They carried a balloon and read a certificate. It was so cool. There was an older man sitting next to me. It was his first day of his chemo. I got a chance to talk to him a bit...he was nervous.. *sigh* i remember being there. What sucks is he has lung cancer and he get radiation along with chemo.
I'm so ready to have my hair grow back. The feeling in my fingers to come back. My energy back. My life back. I don't even know what to expect when I'm back to "normal". I'm uterus/ovary-less. My muscles are so tight from practically being bed rested since March. I'm feeling so tired right now. But I just can't sleep any more. When I go back to sleep, I wake up feeling like I had too much sleep. this is an annoying feeling. Because i feel like I can't get up.. but yet, i can't sleep.

weekend before chemo #6
this weekend me and Gerry went to Fremont's Art and Wine festival. Its an annual festival held here in Fremont. This is where local artists come out and sell their work. Along with food booths and wine. I love going to this festival because it just inspires me to do something of my own. One day, I'll have my own booth. It was pretty hot out. We even went early in the morning (10:30am). Sunday, we went to Aloha Fest in San Francisco. We were planning to leave early by 10am but we ran late. We got stuck in traffic at the toll plaza by the Bay Bridge. It took us just about an hour to get through 1mile. When we left our house, it was pretty hot. I don't know if your familiar with San Francisco, but weather out there is tricky. By the time we got to the festival... it was COLD!! The clouds rolled in, the wind kicked up. We didn't stay long. Just long enough to watch a few performances and to browes some booths. If it wasn't so windy and cold, it would have been more enjoyable. The place was packed with people though.

I feel so exhausted... it's time to rest again.

Geez, today is such a boring day. I feel like there's nothing to do today. I worked on my futon slip cover... but ran out of fabric. or i thought i did. I was planning to make a run to the fabric store... but realize I can work with what I have. I'll just have to do alittle more sewing. But I didn't want to continue working on that any more today. I threw on my wig and went for a little walk to the mail box. It's still hot out there. That didn't last long. I was thinking of going to the mall to do some walking there. But being at the mall... I know I'll be tempted to buy something. I don't want to spend money on clothes yet.
Yesterday I stopped by Kaiser to get a note from my doctor to extend my disablity for another few months. I think I'll go back to work the first week of October. Give myself well over a month to recover from that last chemo. Speaking of chemo.... last one is next tuesday!! I'm hoping I get through this one OK. The last 2 times, my arms were hurting like crazy. I don't like that pain.
I'm thinking of moving my journal to an official blogg/journal site. I didn't realize how much space this journal would take up creating my own in Geocities. I'm running out of room here. I'll post it once I know where I'm going.

Just the other day... I found out that a co-worker of mine just pasted away. She also was fighting cancer (Melanoma). A few months ago, we both found out that we were both on medical leave with cancer. I saw her just a month ago. We both looked so different from when we last saw eachother at work. It's hard to grasp that she's gone -- Just like that. That scared me. Had me thinking about myself... I'm terrified of dying. I know I shouldn't be, but... to have someone you know not survive from cancer.....scares me. Unfortunately, she was at a farther stage in her cancer and it turned on her.
She was the one that took Snowball to get spayed. She had a love for cats. She was part of a cat rescue in the community. The last day I saw her, I donated a bunch of old cat supplies that Snowball didn't use any more to her. I'm going to her memorial tomorrow.

I will miss you Alison.

Just when I thought I was doing fine, my body crashes. Tuesday I felt fine. I went and got a CBC (complete blood count)--which is what I do after each round of Neupogen (those anitbiotic injections I have to do after chemo to boost my blood counts). So far, my blood counts have been fine -except that one time I ended up in the ER with a fever. Well, the results of tuesday's test showed my white blood counts were super low. The nurse and pharmacist thought that was unusual since my counts have always been decent. So they asked me to get another test done. And to continue 3 more doses of Neupogen. That night, my body crashed. Here comes the aches and pains! I woke up in the middle of the night in so much pain, I had to break out the Vicodin again. My legs were hurting, my lower back, and my joints --it's a feeling like no other, a deep down ache. not like muscle ache... this is in the bone type of feeling and in the joints. I guess it's close to the flu, but 10xs worse. And for some reason every time my heart pounds really hard, I get these sharp pains down my back and chest--. The next morning I felt like I had been hit by a train. I could bearly move. A good thing about my body hurting so much is that the Neupogen is working. Since the blood cells are produced in the bone marrow it causes the aches and pains. So the aches and pains means the bone marrow is working extra hard producing these cells. Well, I thought since I feel so crappy my blood count should be up. So I went back in to the hospital to get another CBC done. The results... bearly any better. Soooo... I have to do a few more shots. Tomorrow, I go back to check my blood count again.

*sigh* I HATE blood draws... There are some people at the lab that can draw blood without it hurting. Then there's those who tend to choose the spots where it HURTS.
To the lady who draws blood at Kaiser in the ER---YOU SUCK! get a new job. You should not be drawing blood.

I haven't been able to get online lately. I had my 5th dose of chemo just last tuesday (July 19). It went fairly well. I'm finding it harder to bounce back from each dose. My viens are weakening. The last 2 doses, I've experienced alot of pain in my arm during the chemo. I'm getting more tired and so exhausted.

OK, last time I wrote, I told you about making decorations for Emily and Aaron's birthday party. I posted some pictures up on the picture page. The decorations were GREAT! I even built a boat to place on the ceiling. John did the decorating. We stayed up until 4am just decorating the room. But everyone was impressed. It was well worth it.

My dad was out here visiting last week. Gerry drove me down to stockton to visit him(4th of july weekend). I hadn't seen my dad since Christmas, so it felt real nice to see him again.
Today I'm feeling much better. I finally got my sewing machine! I had it on lay away for about 2 months now (there's nothing wrong with lay away). I'm working on a slip cover for my futon. Another project of mine right now is working on decorations/props for Emily's 3rd and Aaron's 1st birthday party this weekend. It's going to be "Finding Nemo" theme, so I plan to make cardboard cut outs of the characters of "Finding Nemo" and brain storm with John on how to decorate the house. John has some nice ideas too. I'll take pictures to show you how it turns out. It'll be fun! I'm also making cup cakes for the kids. Still trying to find out a cool way to decorate them to fit the theme. I'll definately be busy this week up to the weekend. Can you believe it, next week's already that time for chemo. *sigh* Let me not think about that right now, untill after the party.

5 days after chemo #4-- how do I feel...? I feel like crap. I feel so exhausted, I hate it! It doesn't make it any better that it's so fricken hot out. The last few days I've been too tired to even get out of bed. My stomach feels funky. I really haven't been able to hold food down. Last night I threw up just stomach acid. It burned on the way up. My throat still hurts from it.
I'm back on Neupogen injections. Looks like I'm on it until the last chemo (only for 5days after each chemo that is). Just for preventative measures. Sux. Getting these shots just increases my chance of bone/joint pains and having them last longer. I really hate feeling so tired. I'm always running out of breath it feels like. Just from walking across the room, my heart is practically pounding out of my chest. Feels like I ran a marathon.
My arm is bruised. At the end of my infusion, my arm started to REALLY hurt around the iv site. It was already at the end of it so they were able to take the IV out. It's still pretty tender around the area.
I hate how I feel............

Last week I kept myself busy. I pulled out my webcam and convinced my sister-in-law in Stockton (Mony), and my brother Jack to buy one too! It was pretty cool to be able to see and talk to everyone (in Milwaukee and in Stockton) over the internet. We were on this just about every day - all day. I spent an entire day just watching Aaron and Emily play. After watching them online, I started missing them so much that I had to drive down to Stockton to see them. I spent a few days down there. It was so much fun to be able to hold the kids again.

Sunday, Gerry and I went to a company picnic at Paramount's Great America. I haven't been to a theme park in so long. Boy was I exhausted by the end of the day. But we had fun. We didn't get to ride a whole lot of rides (the lines were toooooo long). We got to ride Rip Roaring Rapids, road on one of those Sky lift thingys that take you across from one side of the park to the other, and played in the water with a bunch of kids at Boomerang Bay! It probably would have been better if I had a kid with me in that area, but I went in anyways. =)
I had a great week. It's already that time for another dose of chemo tomorrow. 3 down... 3 to go.

The other day I went to L&L Hawaiian Drive-in (hawaiian fast food) to have lunch with Gerry. Right infront of the door there was this old homeless women begging for money. She hands me this small card (about the size of a business card) that reads something like... "I'm homeless. I'm selling cards....." Well, I didn't read the whole thing. It was obvious she was asking for money, so I think. Well, I go into my purse and dig out some change. It was probably like 55cents or something. I hand it to her. She looks at it in her palm and says...."That's it? I'm hungry!" (in a whiney voice). I'm shocked. I'm trying to help you out lady! While we were eating inside, we saw a man who was eating outside offer the lady his sandwich. She turned it down. If she's so hungry why didn't she take the sandwich?? HOW RUDE.

Today I received a special package in the mail. It was a "Love-box" from the Fluer family in Iowa (one of the families that helped my family when we came to the states). Most of my childhood memories are of their farm in Charles City, Iowa. To this day, the smell of bacon, the taste of wheat toast and orange juice, the smell of apple shampoo remind me of their farm in Iowa. When my brother and I were younger, they used to wash our hair in their kitchen sink. I'd lay down on the counter with my head over the sink. *sigh* childhood memories are nice

They sent me a box with small comfort gifts and cards with encouraging words...just made me smile. ^.^ I LOVE gifts! They were individually wrapped and I could feel their thoughts and their arms around me when I opened each one of them.

Today the sun didn't shine, it actually rained... but opening the "Love-box" felt like the sun was out!

Good news! After 5 days of Neupogen injections, my blood count is up and I no longer have to get the injections... atleast not unless my blood count goes back down again.

Yesterday was another day of chemo. The infusion went well. Gerry was able to stay with me throughout the entire infusion.

what I found out from my oncologist:

Tomorrow's another day of chemo. My arm still hurts from the last chemo and my 3rd round is already here. Emotions are catching up to me. I'm getting overwhelmed with so many thoughts and worrys. Not only about my health, but now I'm having issues financially. I haven't received a disability check in a month now. I keep calling the Disability office and Kaiser. The Disability office says they don't have any record of my extention, Kaiser says they sent my information over to them already and I don't see a check in my mailbox. Rent was due last week. My bills are piling up. Gold's Gym is still charging me. When is this going to balance out??? I was doing fine before I was told I had cancer. I just started a new position at work where I was giving a nice raise. Gerry and I moved into a smaller apartment thinking we'd finally be able to save money. Then 1 week before our move date... my life is flipped upside down. I didn't ask for any of this. I feel like I'm bearly keeping my nose above water. If it's not one thing it's another.

Ok, March 30, I called the Gold's Gym to put a freeze on my account knowing I wont be going into the gym any time soon and didn't want to waste my money on monthly payments. I talked to the manager, Andrew, that day and he said it was done. Well, I've still been getting charged every month so I call them back again. I called in May and asked them about why I'm still getting charged when my account's supposed to be on hold. They told me they'd get back to me. Well, I get a call from Andrew today stating that there was no record of me putting a hold on the account. I was surprised!! I was like..."You're Andrew right? The manager? I actually talked to you back in March and told you that I just got out of the hospital and that I had cancer and will be going through chemo and that I needed to put a freeze on my account." He was speachless and told me he'd look into it and call me back. I got a feeling he didn't do anything about it when I called him the first time in March. What kind of a manager is that...

I had a litte scare earlier today. I woke up feeling really sick. My head hurted and body ached more than ever. I also had a fever that got up to 100.2. I was told if I run a temp over 100.4, to go into the ER. Well, 100.2 was getting close to 100.4 so I went in. They took a whole lot of blood. Turns out I have low platlettes, but not low enough to be all that concerned so they sent me home. My temp went down to 99.5. I still feel kinda sick. Feels just like the flu. No one likes having the flu. =( Hopefully I get my strength back by the weekend because I get to see Emily and Aaron!!

These past couple of days I've been so tired... stayed in bed. I talked to a pharmacist at my oncology office yesterday about how I've been feeling. I've been told the side effects of Taxotere are flu-like symptoms. He said it's very normal. It felt like it'd never end. Today, I still feel drained, but my body isn't hurting as much. I can think better today.

OH! I want to tell you my session with "Look good...Feel better" on Monday. It was FUN! I learned alot about how to take care of my skin, got alot of tips on nutrition while being on chemo, and I GOT A MAKE OVER! There were about 6 other women there who just started chemo. I had Gerry come along with me. I think I was the only one who was farthest into the chemo, because I was the only one who already lost all of their hair. They asked for volunteers to be their "model" for the day... and I was the first to raise my hand. =) I've always wanted a make over, here was my chance. The ladies had a lot of fun watching me get made over. I was the youngest out of the bunch and got alot of compliments along the way. It really made me feel better about myself. I came home with a box full of free stuff. Their name really says it... because when you look good... you do feel a whole lot better.

Almost a week later... and I'm still dealing with the side effects. This weekend hit pretty hard. My body ached more than the first time. Saturday night was bad. My joints hurt, my muscles hurt, my bones hurt. During the day, it seemed fine. At night when I want to sleep is when it hurts. Last night wasn't any different. Today, my stomach hurts, my tongue is numb...I can't stand the thought of taking another pill. I want to cry. I hate this feeling... this pain and discomfort that I can't do anything about. My nose is runny, my scalp itches and it hurts, my eye lashes are dropping with every blink. I'm laying in bed right now. I brought the internet to bed. I'm hoping it'll get better later today. I have that class today, "Look good...Feel better." I've been looking forward to this since I signed up. It would suck to miss it. A full body massage sounds real nice...

my discovery today: Willy Denzey. A Lao R&B singer in France. sounds better than some of the stuff you hear on the radio here.
Lao Press
thanks Lar for sharing this website

Taxotere/Carbo
My second day went well. Way better than the first time. I'm now on Taxotere rather than Taxol. The infusion went fast...3hrs long. I'm feeling tired, woosy, slightly nauseous. We'll see if it gets worse....

Today is Gerry's 29th birthday! We drove out to Santa Cruz and hung out at the beach for awhile. It was so fun and relaxing! It was nice to be out. The weather was perfect! We sat on the beach, listened to hawaiian music... and I painted for the first time in YEARS. check out our pictures in my photo album.

I had to shave my head today. My mo hawk was short lived. I woke up this morning with a bed full of hair. I'm actually OK with my hair (or no hair). I think doing the mo hawk got me one step closer to seeing it gone. But, I don't know about embracing the baldness just yet. I'm uncomfortable having my head uncovered out in public. I have a lot of bald patches... it doesn't look all that great.

After spending a great day at the beach, I dread going through another day of chemo.

Last night I had Gerry help me shave my head. I thought since I'm losing all my hair, why not do something I'd never think of doing (or have the guts to do)... I gave myself a Mo hawk. It's kinda hard to style it because every little touch, my hair just falls off. I'm actually liking this look. It doesn't feel weird... It feels like I have my hair up in a pony tail or something. Very air-ee. I haven't stepped outside yet... Kinda scared to see how people will react. =) But I better get used to it. Gerry really likes the new do.

I went wig shopping for the first time today. It's pretty weird. I've never worn a wig (except last year for halloween). I brought a co-worker with me (a long time wig wearer) because I don't know the first thing about wigs. We went to the American Cancer Society. They give out wigs for free to cancer patients. The only thing about free wigs are... they're UGLY. hehehe They looked like they were made for old women. Alot of blonde/brown hairs, very short.. some curly. Very fake looking. Maybe I'm just not used to seeing myself with anything else but my own hair. I finally found one that look pretty decent. It looked the best out of the ones we tried. It's the only one that didn't look like an old lady. But we were told there is a salon with a hair dressers that deal specifically with cancer patients and provide excellent quality wigs. They will also style it to make it look natural. I'll be checking out that place next week. I also signed up for a class called: Look good...Feel better. It's "a free program that teaches beauty techniques to women cancer patients in active treatment to help them combat the appearance related side effects of cancer treatment." Which include ways to disguise hair loss with wigs, scarves and other accessories and ways to cope with sking changes.

I went to another support group today. This time it was at Kaiser-Fremont and it was for all types of cancers. Again, I was the youngest in the group (everyone looked around 45+). I know there are alot of young cancer patients out there... I wonder where they are? This was a bigger group but very supportive.

Today is the first day my hair is starting to fall off. Kinda freaked me out. I was in the shower, shampooing my hair... when I saw clumps of hair in between my fingers. I always knew it was going to happen... just didn't know when it'll start. Now I have to brace myself for when it completely falls off. *deep breath*

I went to my first ovarian cancer support group today at the Wellness Community in Walnut Creek. It went well. It was a small group of women. I was the newbie of the group, not to mention the youngest. I got to hear the stories of other women. It felt good to hear that what I've been going through is exactly what they've experienced too. It's amazing how much has changed since I was diagnosed with this cancer. When I came home from the hospital, I felt scared and alone. I had no idea what ovarian cancer was. or and what I needed to do or what would happen next. After meeting other people like me, I don't feel so alone anymore.

My break through today: Learn to ask for help. This is something about myself. I can't seem to ask for help. I'm always the one trying to stay stong and help others before I help myself. And that's something I need to stop doing... I need to take care of myself for once. I've come to realize I'm not well. As much as I want to be well. Physically I have to admit, I'm not. I have cancer, that's not going to change. I can't keep ignoring what's going on inside my body. So, I plan to continue my medical leave from work for the entire length of my treatment and focus on myself.

It's so dark outside. It's starting to rain. Today I realized my pudgy tummy is coming back. I think I better cut down on the food intake. :) got too happy that I can eat normal again, I over did it.
Listening to: Crainberries -"Dream" cool song

Yay! After days of aches and pain and thowing up. I think this is it... I think I'm in the clear for my first week of chemo! *dances* I didn't think I was going to make it through. It was not fun.

Taxol/Carbo
I started out pretty good. Just alittle nervous. I was doing fine for the first 3hrs. At the end of the Taxol, I started to get really sick. Turns out there's alcohol in the taxol and seems that I'm allergic to alcohol. My throat started to tighten up, my heart was racing, my head was spinning. It took about 2hrs for it to pass before I started on the Carbo. Which went well.

I spent about 8hrs there at Kaiser Hospital. I met some nice people there. It's a room full of recliner chairs specificly for chemotherapy. Each chair has its own infusion pump and even a TV. I met 2 lovely ladies while I was getting infused. Linda and Olive who are cancer patients. Olive is such a sweet old lady. Probably in her 70s.

Finally this day has come. But the whole day is a blurr. I got to Kaiser Hospital at 8:00am. I'm scheduled to have surgery at 8:30am unless there are other emergencies. Unfortunately there were alot of emergencies. I started to get nervous. Mom and Gerry were there with me. I waited about 2 hours before it was my turn. They gave me some type of seditive to help me calm my nerves about 15mins before they came and got me. Whatever it was... it felt goOOood. I felt like I was floating. They wheeled me into the operating room. I honestly don't remember laying my head down on the table. Wonder if I passed out..? I remember seeing people walking into the room, I climbed onto the table, sat down... the next thing I know I'm gasping for air... my throat hurts... and someone putting something over my face saying "this is going to help you breath." then I passed out. When I opened my eyes again I saw John (my brother) standing infront of me with a camera... telling me to smile. And from what everyone in the room told me... I did. :) My surgery took about 5hrs. I don't remember a whole lot from that day. Mom, John, Mony and Gerry were there but I only remember seeing John. But I do remember hearing Mom's voice. I found out the big news the next day when I was fully awake. Not only did I have cancer, but they removed everything (full hysterectomy). I went into surgery thinking it would just be one ovary and it's mostlikely not cancer, and came out with cancer and never being able to have children. I don't think it really hit me until a few days later when the doctors were talking about chemo. I guess I was hoping I heard wrong.

My time at the hospital (Kaiser-Hayward) was not a pleasant one. The staff were not polite, my nurse call button did not work until the day I left, my roommate was a roommate from HELL. I spent 4 days in the hospital. There were about 2 nurses who were very nice but the rest... I pee on you!