jokes
Hiedi's Jokes Page!!!
Hello Everyone!! This Page is for those of us who like to laugh at the funniest of jokes and stuff. I will be adding these as fast as I can get them online. Hope you like. These are some of my favorites, so if you don't like it, send me some that you think are better. My email is at the bottom of the screen.


Here are some Jokes that made my list.


The Parrot "Jesus Saves" Doctor's Orders
The Amazing Diagnosis Machine  Balloons Things that Make you go Hmmm… 
 The Princess and the Frog  Leroy  Married Life
 Signs for Mother  $100 Dollars  Only In America
 Satisfaction  Chinese Detective  The Revenge

Here are some funny links to come jokes to look at. teehee.

 http://www.jokes2000.com/jokes/files/joke8926.htm

Jokes in the Mail

Jokes from AOL

Virtual Insults

Oracle Humor

Wrecked Humor

Miscellaneous Humor

Miscellaneous Jokes

The WET SPOT

More HUMOR!!

Lots of Jokes





The Parrot

A guy decides he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After Looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says out loud, " Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The Parrot answers the guy's question, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understood every word", says the parrot. "I'm a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh, yeah?" the guy asks. " Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, " this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it cause of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer me, can't you?"

"Of course, I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy...And I am especially good at ornithology. (Study of birds) You ought to buy me. I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the price tag: $200. He says, " I can't afford that."

"Psst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing.

" Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20, just make an offer."

The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy was delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Psst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage.

"I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "But it's about your wife and the mailman..."

"What?" says the guy. "What?"

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asked the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and slid his hands up the nightgown and began feeling her all over," reports the parrot.

" My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"

" Then he lifted up the nightgown, got on his knees and began to lick her body, starting at the breasts and slowly going up and down..."

The parrot paused for a long time...

"Well! What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

" I don't know," says the parrot, " my dick got hard and I fell off my perch!"
 

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Jesus Saves

Jesus and Satan were having an argument about who managed to get the most out of his computer. This has been going on for days and God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So, down they sat at the keyboards and typed away.

They did spreadsheets.

They wrote reports.

They sent faxes.

They sent out email.

They sent out email with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did some genealogy reports.

They made cards.

They did every known job.

But just a few minutes before the two hours were up, a streak of lightning flashed from the sky. The thunder rolled and the rains came down hard. The electricity went off. Satan was upset. He fumed and fussed and he ranted and raved. All to no avail. The electricity stayed off. But after a bit, the rains stopped and the electricity came back on.

Satan screamed, "I lost it all when the power went off! What am I going to do? What happened to Jesus' work?"

Jesus just sat and smiled. Again, Satan asked about the work that Jesus had done. As Jesus turned his computer back on, the screen glowed and when he pushed "print" it was all there.

" How did he do it?" Satan asked.

God smiled and said, "Jesus saves."
 
 

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Doctor's Orders

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures, he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies:

" I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and."

Interrupting him, the doctor asks, " And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?"

"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"

" Well, I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know! But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it:

Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came, she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes".

Two weeks go by and the man is back. " Well, how do you feel?"

"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way, you have a lovely home"
 
 
 

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The Amazing diagnosis machine

One day, a man complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor is. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00.

Jeff figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper, which read:

You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant ... twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.
 
 
 
 

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Balloons

A little boy walks into his mother's room and catches her topless.

"Mommy, Mommy, what are those?" he asks pointing to her breasts.

"Well, son," she says, "These are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven."

Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied. Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen.

"Mommy, Mommy! Aunt Elsie is dying!"

"What do you mean?" says his mother.

"Well she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both of her balloons are out, Dad's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling,

"God, I'm coming! God, I'm coming!"
 
 
 

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Things that make you go hmmm.

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
2. I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
3. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
4. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
5. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
6. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.
7.STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
8.You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
9. If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
10. As I said before, I never repeat myself!
11. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
12. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
13. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
14. After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
15. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
16. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
17. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
18. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
19. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
20. Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
21. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
22 If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
 
 

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The Princess and the Frog

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: "I don't fucking think so."
 
 
 

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Leroy

Three ladies, with boyfriends all named "LEROY" were at a bar when one of the ladies said, "I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy, mixed up with your Leroy. Why don't we all name each of our Leroy after a soda pop?"

The other two ladies agree, and the first lady jumps in and says, "OK, then, let me go first...I name my Leroy, 7-UP!"

The other two ladies jump in and ask her, "Why 7 UP?"

"Because my Leroy has 7 inches and it's always UP!"

All three ladies holler, hoot, and slap each other a high five.

When the second lady says, "OK, I'm next, and I name my Leroy, Mountain Dew!"

The other two ladies ask, "Why Mountain Dew?"

"Because my Leroy can Mount & Dew me anytime!"

All three ladies proceed to holler and hoot and slap each other another high five.

The third lady then stands back and starts thinking and says, "You know, those two Leroy's were good, but I'm gonna name mine Jack Daniels."

The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That's not a soda pop... that's a hard liquor!"

The third lady shouts, "THAT'S MY LEROY!
 
 

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Married Life

( \ Married life is very frustrating:
\ \
/ /                  /\ In the first year of marriage, the
/ /   .-`````-.    / ^`-. Man speaks and the woman listens.
\ \  /        \_/ {|} `o
\ \ / ---.     \\ _   ,--' In the second year, the woman
\ \/ /         \, \ ( `^^^ speaks and the man listens.
\ \ / \         (\ )
\ ) \ ) \       ) \ \ In the third year, they both speak
) /__ \__ )   (\ \___ and the neighbors listen.
(___)))__))(__))(__)))

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way that she wants it.

She'll probably be thrilled."

So the fellow did. The next day his buddy asked, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said the fellow.

"...And did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!!!"
 

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Signs for Mother

A mother had three daughters and on their wedding, she asked each one of them to write home and tell her about their married life.

The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message, "Maxwell Coffeehouse". The Mother is confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad, and it said; "Satisfaction to the last drop..." So, Mother was happy.

Then the second daughter got married and after a week, she sent home her reply. The message read "Rothmans". So the Mother looks for the Rothmans ad, and it says; "LIVE LIFE, KING SIZE". And Mother is happy.

Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. It took 4 weeks for a message to come through. When it did the message was simply BRITISH AIRWAYS". Mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a BA ad. She
found one and fainted.

The ad read: "FOUR TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK"
 
 

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$100 dollars

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.
When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

John admitted that, well, yes he did. She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."
After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 p.m. on Friday.

Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 p.m. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 p.m. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?" Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."
Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?" She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!'
Finally she says, "Yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said
that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back".
 
 

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Only in America . . .

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance!

Only in America...are there handicap-parking places in front of a skating rink!

Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions!

Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, a large fry, and a diet coke!

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters!

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless pieces of shit in the garage!

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place!

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight!

Only in America...do we use the word "Politics" to describe the process so well. "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures!"

Only in America do we have drive up ATM machines with Braille lettering!
 

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Satisfaction

There was an older man who'd married a younger woman. All was going well... except in the
bedroom. He couldn't last long enough to satisfy her. She said it didn't matter but he knew it
was getting her down. So he went to the doctor and asked for help. The doctor said 'Well, there's one easy solution. Before you have intercourse with your wife, satisfy yourself first, that way you'll last longer when you're with her.'

The next day the man gets a call from his wife while he's at work. In a husky voice she tells him "I'm going to ravish you when you get home tonight. We're going to have a mammoth sex session." The man can't concentrate on work for the rest of the day. Finally 5:30 comes
round and he's the first out of the office, eager to get back to his wife.

While he's driving, he remembers his doctor's advice. So, he pulls over onto a quiet road. But he can't just sit there in his car having a wank, so he decides he'll lie under the car and pretend that he's fixing he car. He crawls under the car, closes his eyes, imagines his wife naked and starts wanking.
 

After a while he feels something tugging at jeans and this voice says "Sir, this is the Police, would you mind telling us what you're doing?"

Not wanting to lose this wonderful image of his wife he kept his eyes closed and said to
the Policeman, "I'm just fixing the axle of my car".

To which the Policeman replied, "Well while you're down there you'd better check the brakes
as well, because your car has crashed into a tree half a mile down the road!'
 
 

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Chinese Detective

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later he received
this report:

Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.

No fee.
 
 

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The Revenge
 
 

Here is this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk pulling a wagon and dragging a flattened frog on a string behind it, when he comes up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute. He knocks on the door and the madam comes to answer it, sees him and asks what he wants. He says he wants what she is selling inside, and has the money to buy it and isn't leaving until he gets it. She thinks she could have some fun with him, so she tells him to come in. Once he gets in, she tells him to pick one of the girls he likes. He asks her if any of the girls have any diseases and, of course, the madam says no. He tells her he has heard all the men in town talking about having to go to the hospital and get shots after making love with Mable, and she is the girl he wants and he has the money to pay for it. The madam tells him to go upstairs and go to the first room on the right.

So, he heads down the hall dragging the frog behind him. Ten minutes later, he comes back down still dragging the frog. He pays the madam, picks up his wagon and starts to head out the door. The madam stops him, and asks him why he picked the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others.

He replies, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my mother and father are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. When they leave, I am going to make love to the baby-sitter and give her the disease When mom and dad get home, dad will take the baby-sitter home and,
on the way, he will make love to her and he will catch it. When dad gets home, he and mom will go to bed, they will make love, and mom will catch it. In the morning when dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk and he will make love to mom and he will catch it, and HE IS THE SON-OF-A-BITCH WHO RAN OVER MY FROG!!!!"
 
 

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I hope you liked my jokes page. I will be adding more soon. Any comments, email me at
Hiedi@hotmail.com

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