The trend towards lower cost Health Maintenance Organizations has
many Americans worried.  Here are the

               "Top 30 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO"
 
 
1.  Pedal-powered dialysis machines.

2.  Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental
    procedure," 

3.  Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter
    of "War and Peace,"

4.  You ask for Viagra.  You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.

5.  Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

6.  Exam room has a tip jar.

7.  You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the 
    instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.

8.  "Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"

9.  Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal 
    thermometers.

10. "Take two leeches and call me in the morning,"

11. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding    
    turnip.

12. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

13. Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia
    Farrow's doorstep.

14. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to
    walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.

15. "Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.

16. Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.

17. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left
    when you enter the trailer park,"

18. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.

19. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is
    "an apple a day."

20. Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, 
    Dr. Fine.

21. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

22. Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams.

23. Pre printed prescription pads that say "Walk it off, you
    sissy."

24. To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, 
    the doctor just French kisses you.

25. Recycled bandages.

26. You can get your flu shot as soon as "the" hypodermic
    needle is dry.

27. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave
    to goodwill last month.

28. 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK

29. Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an 
    oversized 2-sided copier.

30. Enema?  The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.