THE NIXON-CLINTON CONNECTION

Stuart K. Hayashi

(Note: Though the following information is accurate, this piece was written solely for humorous purposes, and in no way should be interpreted as some allegation of conspiracy) Enjoy! =)


           Have you ever hear people talk about how eerily similar President Lincoln and Kennnedy were? That's all bull; the real eerie similarities are between Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton.

           Both of them were presidents. Clinton served as Arkansas' governor during Nixon's stint as president. During the Watergate scandal, Clinton said, "Yes, the president should resign. He has lied to the American people time and time again, and betrayed their trust. He is no longer an effective leader. Since he has admitted guilt, there is no reason to put the American people through an impeachment. He will serve absolutely no purpose in finishing out his term, the only possible solution is for the president to save some dignity and resign." Talk about irony.

           Both the names Nixon and Clinton end with -on and both names are two syllables. If you switch around the letters in Clinton, you get Nilcton, which sort of looks like Nixon.

           Clinton's first name is William. Nixon's first name is Richard. Both William and Richard have seven letters in them. Th shorter version of William is Bill. The shorter version of Richard is Dick. Both Bill and Dick have four letters, one syllable, and i as their second letter. Also, neither nickname starts with the same letter of either president's real name.
           Nixon's middle name was Millhouse. Clinton's middle name is Jefferson. Both Millhouse and Jefferson have nine letters in them.
           Nixon's nickname was "Tricky Dick." Clinton's nickname is "Slick Willy." Notice that Tricky means the same thing as Slick, and, if you take away the -y of Tricky, you get Trick, which rhymes with Slick. Also notice that both nicknames are three syllables. Also, "Dick" and "Willy" are both used as euphemisms for a certain part of the male anatonomy.

           Both presidents are well-known for lying. Nixon was involved in th '70s scandal Watergate, and Clinton in the scandalous '70s Whitewater land deal. Notice both scandals have th word water in them and took place in th '70s.

           Nixon was a Republican president with a Democrat congress. Clinton is a Democrat president with a Republican congress.
Republicans were angry at Nixon for compromising with Democrats too much. Democrats are angry at Clinton for compromising with Republicans too much.

           Nixon's vice president was Gerald Ford. Clinton's vice president is Albert Gore. Notice that both Gerald and Albert have six letters in them, are two syllables, and have -er- in them. Both names share th letters a, l, e, and r. The last names Ford and Gore both have four letters, are one syllable, and have or directly in th middle. Notice that Gore's last name begins with G, while Ford's last name begins with F, and that G follows F in th alphabet. Also notice that Gore's last name ends with e, while Ford's last name ends with d, and that e follows d in the alphabet.

           Since Nixon resigned and Clinton was "found" "not guilty" by the Senate, neither of them were forced from office by Congress. Also, neither served any jail time for their crimes. Both times these scandals erupted were in the Year of the Tiger on the Chinese Zodiac. Nixon's scandal erupted on the second year of his second term. Clinton's scandal erupted on the second year of his second term.

           Nixon had the paranoid fear that billionaire Howard Hughes was trying to get him out of office. Clinton has a paranoid fear that billionaire Richard Mellon Scaife is trying to get him out of office. Both of these billionaires inherited a several million dollars from their parents, and then greatly expanded their family fortunes.
           Both the names Howard and Richard are two syllables and end with -ard. Howard Hughes' middle name was Robard. Both the middle names Robard and Mellon have six letters and are two syllables. The last names Hughes and Scaife both have six letters in them and are one syllable.

           A movie called Nixon was made about Nixon, without his permission. A movie called Primary Colors was made about Clinton, without his permission. Neither of the movies painted flaterring pictures of their respective presidents.

           Nixon started the Environmental Protection Agency. Clinton's vice president—Al Gore—is the most environmental wacko vice president in American history.

           Nixon appointed Dr. Alan Greenspan as Chief Economic Advisor. Clinton re-appointed Dr. Alan Greenspan as Chairman of the Federal Reserve. The mainland's economy is doing well because of Alan Greenspan, and Clinton is taking all of the credit.
Nixon took office after Lyndon Johnson, who was a wrinkled, grumpy old man. In Johnson's time, the economy was bad. Clinton took office after George Bush, who is a wrinkled, grumpy old man. In Bush's time, the economy was bad.

           When Nixon ran for re-election, one of his biggest campaign contributors was the Chief Executive Officer of McDonald's. Also, Clinton eats at McDonald's more than any other president.

            The aspetos in the White House supposedly made Nixon hallucinate. And Clinton once smoked pot. So both of these presidents may have gotten "high" some time in their lives.

           Nixon said, "I am not a crook." Clinton says his wife is not a crook.

           Nixon had a big nose and a head shaped like a potato. Clinton's daughter Chelsea has a big nose and a head shaped like a potato.

Creepy, huh?

           But wait! There's more! Did you notice that the differences between Lincoln and Kennedy are the same as the differences btween Nixon and Clinton?

           Lincoln was not considered good-looking, but Kennedy was. Nixon was not considered good-looking, but Clinton is.

           Lincoln was not a womanizer, but Kennedy was. Nixon was not a womanizer, but Clinton is.

           Lincoln was a Republican, while Kennedy was a Democrat. Nixon was a Republican, while Clinton is a Democrat.

           Lincoln had black hair. Nixon had black hair.

           Lincoln and Nixon did not have a weird accents. Kennedy had a weird accent that's easy to make fun of. Clinton has a weird accent that's easy to make fun of.

Neat, huh?

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This essay is Copyright © 1998 Stuart K. Hayashi, and may not be reproduced by any means without his written consent. All rights reserved.