Bill Clinton Jokes
SECTION: Q&A Jokes
Q: How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter's finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and Bill Clinton's campaign limo?
A: A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Q: What does Jeffrey Dahmer's victims and The Clintons' hair styles have in common?
A: They both look like the work of a butcher...
Q: If The Clinton's were younger, do you think they would have known the Clampents?
A: Possibly, Bill might have made Jethro's acquaintance in the 6th grade.
Q: Why doesn't Hillary cut Bill's hair?
A: He won't pay her $300.
Q: What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton?
A: His face
Q: What is the Arkansas state flower?
A: Gennifer
Q: Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian problem in less than 48 hours?
A: Put Janet Reno in charge.
Q: What did the band play at Clinton's inauguration?
A: Inhale to the chief
Q: What's the difference between a Bill Clinton and a carp
A: One's a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other's a fish.
Q: Why is Bill Clinton apprehensive about going to the movies?
A: Because he's afraid the usherette will ask to see his stub.
Q: What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull?
A: The pit bull doesn't carry a briefcase.
Q: How does Bill Clinton say "Fuck you"?
A: "Trust me."
Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?
A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.
A: One has two boobs, the others *are* two boobs.
Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow?
A: By the wise look in the eyes.
Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies?
A: He's the stiff one.
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two -- One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.
A: None -- He'll only promise "change."
A: HE DOESN'T! He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames Republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Because they're sending their turkey to the White House!
A: Because they can't afford any more pork
A: Reagan ate all the jellybeans
A: They've been having turkey FOR YEARS
A: Because Bill is having Gennifer
A: Because Clinton "invested" all the turkey.
Q: What was Bill and Chelsea Clinton doing in the voting booth?
A: Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics, how to screw the people!
Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
A: A girl that can run faster than the Governor.
Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes *he* did?
A: A dead girlfriend.
Q: What's the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?
A: NO FEE - If No Recovery!!!
Q: How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?
A: They were dating the same girl in high school.
Q: How does Hillary know that Chelsea's got her period?
A: She tastes blood on Bill's prick.
Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.
Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his face?
A: If his lips are moving, then he's lying.
Q: What are Bill's two favorite campaign promises?
A: ``The check is in your mouth'' and ``I won't come in the mail.''
Q: What do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?
A: Neither one is very bright.
Q: What does Clinton do to lose weight?
A: Runs away from the draft.
Q: How can you tell when Clinton is ready for battle [in Bosnia]?
A: He's got his jogging suit on.
Q: What's Clinton's favorite baseball team?
A: The Dodgers.
Q: Why does Hillary always try to get on top?
A: Because Bill can only f--- up. A: He could not make it as a Naval Aviator
Q: What would Clinton do if he did not get into politics?
A: Become a botanist and play with Flowers
Q: What's Bill's fondest wish now?
A: That someone would wave a hand at him using more than one finger.
Q: Why do they put Bill Clinton's picture on the insides of toilet bowls?
A: So the assholes can see who they voted for.
Q: What's a Clinton sandwich?
A: Pure bologna piled high and deep.
Q: Did you hear that the Clinton's had Air Force 1 remodeled?
A: Now it's got two left wings.
Q: Why is Bill Clinton called "middle of the road Democrat"?
A: Because he's got a wide yellow stripe down the middle of his two-lane back.
Q: Why is Bill Clinton's economic plan called positively atheist?
A: Because it hasn't got a prayer.
Q: If Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument, who'd land first?
A: Who cares?
Q: How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck?
A: Trying to save both faces.
Q: If Bill and Hillary and Al and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat capsized, who would be saved?
A: The United States of America!
Q: Why does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly?
A: Heredity.
Q: Why did Bill and Hillary send Chelsea to a private school?
A: If they sent her to a public school, the secret service would be out-gunned!
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his father?
A: Bill Clinton's father only screwed *half* the country.
Q: What do Clinton and JFK have in common?
A: They haven't had any brains for the last thirty years.
Q: What happened when Bill Clinton got a shot of testosterone?
A: He turned into Hillary!
Q: Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to commemorate President Clinton's election?
A: It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter!
Q: Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely?
A: Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President!
Q: My brother explained why Bill Clinton is having so many woes:
A: Bill Clinton has been in the Flowers and weeds!!
Q: What do the Titanic and the Clinton Administration have in common?
A: .........going down fast
Q: How many Clinton administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two -- one to screw the bulb into the faucet while the other tells us that everything possible is being done to help the situation.
Q: How many republicans does it take to raise your taxes?
A: None. The democrats do that.
Q: Did you hear about Clinton farting during his press conference today?
A: It got picked up by the microphones and went out over TV :)
Q: How many Clinton White House officials does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 0, They like to keep him in the dark!
Q: Why was Hillary SO interested in Whitewater?
A: She had heard whitewater could be found going over a dike (dyke).
Q: What do you get when you cross a lesbian and a gay?
A: ChelseA:
Q: Why do liberals travel in threes?
A: One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals.
Q: What kind of neckwear does Hillary Clinton look best in?
A: A noose
Q: What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in?
A: Handcuffs
Q: What Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble?
A: Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia
Q: What's the best place to photograph Clinton Administration officials?
A: A police lineup
Q: What do you get when you cross a lesbian with a draft dodger?
A: Chelsea!
Q: What's a conservative?
A: A liberal who made it through adolescence.
Q: What is a conservative?
A: A liberal who's been mugged.
Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?
A: ChelseA:
Q: You know what the problem with political jokes is, don't you?
A: They get elected.
Q: Dan Quayle, Ted Kennedy, and Bob Packwood were in a spelling bee.Who won?
A: Dan Quayle, because he was the only one who knew that "harass" was one word....
Q: What famouse Arkansas State Supreme Court decision is Hilary Clinton famous for?
A: If you divorce your wife in Arkansas, is she still your cousin?
Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton a miracle child?
A: Because lawyers use their personalities for birth control.
Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
A: To tax the chicken.
Q: What do you get when you cross Chelsea Clinton with a tit.
A: The ugliest hooters on earth.
Q: What has two wings and a crooked willie?
A: Air Force One.
Q: Why can't Bill Clinton file a defamation of character suit against his critics?
A: Because Bill Clinton has no character to defame
Q: If called to testify in a trial how long will it before before Clinton commits perjury?
A: When he's sworn in.
Q: Did you hear that Bill Clinton is going to have a sex change?
A: Because he wants to know how the wemen feel when being screwed.
Q: What does Bill say to Hillary after having sex?
A: I'll be home in 15 minutes.
A: Come pick me up before she calls the cops!
Q: How many helicopters does it take for White House aides to go play a round of golf?
A: Depends on how many were photographed.
Q: What does Hillary do after she shaves her pussy every morning? A: Sends him to work!
Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
A: To tax the chicken.
A: Because Hillary pulled him by his balls.
Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
A: To meet the chick.
Q: How are Boris Becker and President Clinton alike?
A: Both aren't as successful when they're not on grass...
Q: What's yellow, hen-pecked and lays chicks?
A: Bill Clinton
Q: Did you hear they put two new faces on Mt. Rushmore?
A: Yeah, they were Bill Clinton.
Q: What is the best way to kill Clinton????
A: Give him somthing that reads: DO NOT INHALE.
Q: Did you know that Clinton's cat can play Chess ?
A: Inside Information: The cat isn't really all that good at Chess. The last time they played best of five, Clinton won three games to two.
Q: Who becomes president of the U.S.A: when the President Dies
A: Bill Clinton of course!
Q: What was the first thing Clinton said when Francisco Martin Duran started shooting at the White House?
A: Oh shit You're husband's outside and he's PISSED!
Q: What do the Republicans have that Bill Clinton wishes he had?
A: A mandate to govern.
Q: Why did Clinton want to go into Haiti anyway?
A: He overheard his advisors talking about a hot spot that one risked HIV infection from entering & he thought they were talking about Gennifer Flowers.
Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat?
A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented.
Q: What did Hillary tell Bill when the Paula Jones story broke?
A: "You putz I TOLD YOU to let Teddy Kennedy drive her home!
Q: What did Clinton say to Paula Jones when she broke her story?
A: "I said `Do my erection', -not- `ruin my re-election.' !!"
Q: What's the difference between Hillary & Liberace?
A: Hillary's aides haven't killed her yet.
Q: What did Boris Yelstin say when asked if meeting Clinton made want to convert Russia to the type of government they have in America?
A: "Hell no, I ain't let my wife run the country!!"
Q: What's the difference between the Panama canal & Hillary?
A: Well one's a busy ship-filled ditch & the others a dizzy shit-filled bitch.
Q: Why did all the faggots vote for Clinton?
A: Because faggots like assholes better than Bush.
Q: Why doesn't Bill like old houses?
A: He's afraid of the draft.
Q: What's the differents between Bill Clinton and an elephant?
A: About 20 pounds and a jogging suit.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
A: Koresh only burned 85 people.
A: Some people still believe in David Koresh.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin?
A: Some of Stalin's subjects admired him.
Q: How many Hillary Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One - she just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
Q: What does Ted Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wished he had?
A: A dead girlfriend.
Q: What's the difference between Janet Reno and a school bus driver?
A: The bus driver stops to let the kids out.
Q: What do Bill Clinton and Jim Bakker have in common?
A: Both of their mistresses made Playboy.
Q: How does Bill keep Gennifer Flowers away from the White House?
A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.
Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.
Q: What's the difference between Clinton and a whale?
A: Whales mate for life
Q: When will there be a woman in the White House?
A: When Hillary leaves town.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a container of yogurt?
A: Yogurt has culture.
Q: What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas?
A: Highway 55
Q: Why does Clinton always have a stupid grin on his face?
A: He IS stupid!
Q: In Arkansas, what is the new use they found for sheep?
A: Wool
Q: What is Bill Clinton's favorite color?
A: Plaid
Q: Why is Clinton prone to losing his voice?
A: He keeps having to eat his words.
Q: How do you know when a liberal is really dead?
A: His heart stops bleeding.
Q: What will Clinton do for the Navy?
A: Give Rear Admiral a new meaning.
Q: How does Al Gore spell potato?
A: T-A-T-E-R
Q: What has 14 arches and 100 munchkins?
A: Bill Clinton's jogging route
Q: Bill, Hillary, and Al are in a boat. The boat sinks. Who is saved?
A: The United States of America
Q: Why is Chelsea growing up a confused child?
A: Because dad can't keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.
Q: Why is Bill not sending Chelsea to public school?
A: He doesn't want her secret service protection to be out-gunned.
Q: Why were there two presidential limousines in the inaugural parade?
A: The first one held the real president while the second one contained the president's spouse, Bill Clinton.
Q: What are the two featured songs at the Clinton inauguration?
A: Back in the USSR followed by Inhale to the Chief.
Q: What did the populist Clinton say to promote his inauguration?
A: "My balls are for everyone."
Q: How has Clinton made his cabinet look more like America?
A: Many of them have sixth grade reading levels.
Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?
A: Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises.
Q: How do you spot Al Gore in a room full of secret service agents?
A: He's the stiff one.
Q: What were the three toughest years in Al Gore's life?
A: Grade 6
Q: If Rodham gets health care, Bentsen gets treasury, and Aspin gets defense, what does Gore get?
A: Coffee.
Q: Where did Bill Clinton get his favorite hand gesture? (Index finger wrapped around the thumb when emphasizing a point.)
A: From pulling down shades in motel rooms.
Anita Hill Quote--
Q: Did you hear about the new Anita Hill doll?
A: Pinch its butt and ten years later it squeals!
Q: Why do the Kennedy's cry during sex?
A: Mace
Q: What will Bill's favorite retail outlet be after his economic blueprint takes effect?
A: Everything's $100
Q: What was the real purpose of Bill's college visit to Moscow?
A: To study economics.
Q: What is Clinton's plan to create thousands of small businesses?
A: Take thousands of big businesses and wait four years.
Q: When will the homosexual political lobby go too far with Bill?
A: When they insist on renaming his office the oval orifice.
Q: Why is Bill infuriated with Chelsea's new private school?
A: They broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform.
Q: Why does Bill want gays in the infantry?
A: That's where all the first class privates are.
Q: What will be the Marine's new slogan?
A: We're looking for a few good-looking men.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?
A: It took Bill less than 100 days to botch a military mission.
Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier?
A: To promote off-shore drilling.
Q: What are Clinton's plans for the military?
A: Transfer Seamen to all branches of the armed forces.
Q: Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin?
A: So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war.
Q: What is a F.A:G.?
A: Former Arkansas Governor
Q: If you had Clinton, Gore, and Dolly Parton on stage together, what would you have?
A: Two boobs and a great country singer!
Q: How can bake sales be used to lower the deficit?
A: Raise enough money to send Clinton a Flo-Bee!
Q: How come there are Jiffypop pans nailed to all the bedroom doors of the White House?
A: To save money on smoke detectors!
Q: How will the White House Thanksgiving turkey be different this year?
A: It will have two left wings.
Q: What does Clinton have in common with his Hollywood pals?
A: They all make a living by lying to people.
Q: Why are females of the White House staff furious at Hillary?
A: She keeps leaving the toilet seat up.
Q: What do Hot Lips (of M*A*S*H fame) and David Koresh have in common?
A: Major Burns.
Q: Why did the Davidians commit suicide?
A: They were trying to keep up with the Joneses.
Q: Why are there more jokes about Waco than Jonestown?
A: The punch lines were too long in Jonestown.
Q: What do David Koresh and Congressman Conyers have in common?
A: They're both black and were burned by Janet Reno.
"more clinton jokes"