Have you ever suspected that your cat may be from another planet?
Do
you sometimes wake in the night to find your cat standing on top of you,
peering into your face, as if poised to perform some diabolical
extraterrestrial experiment?
When you feed your cat, does he or she
look up at you skeptically as if to say, "My rations in the spacepod were
much better than this."
If so, your cat may be from outer
space.
Many people live with cats from outer space. They may not
realize it for years. Then one day, they're reading the Weekly World News and
they notice that the pictured space aliens bear remarkable similarity to the
moony-eyed, potbellied feline enigma crunched on their lap. Reading further,
they begin to suspect that their own cat may be involved in the alien
abductions. They consider bringing it up with the cat, but fear that they
themselves may end up rocketing across the galaxy on a spaceship full of
cats, an empty bag of kibble stuffed in their mouth.
How to Tell If
Your Cat Is from Outer Space:
If you suspect that your cat may be from
another planet, ask yourself these questions:
*Do you sometimes wake
in the night to find your cat fighting with extraterrestrial beings from
another dimension that no one but the cat can see?
*Does your cat
often simulate life in an anti-gravity environment by rolling on his back to
look at you upside down, or stretch into peculiar ballet positions in your
arms? Does your cat pretzel into strange sleeping postures that suggest she
has undergone extensive astronaut training?
*Does your cat try to
communicate with extraterrestrials by meowing at the TV, sitting on
short-wave radios, lying on the computer monitor, or in any way attempting to
serve as an antenna for a piece of consumer electronics?
*Does your
cat stare at walls for hours as if receiving radio messages from the
mothership through the plasterboard?
*Does your cat respond to the
phrase "Beam me up!" Does your cat respond to anything in
Klingon?
*Does your cat meticulously push the sand around in her
litterbox so that it looks crater-pocked like the lunar surface?
*Does
your cat's style of communicating with your computer seem more advanced than
your own? For instance, does the cat sit on the monitor and look at it
upside-down, or lay on the keyboard until the computer won't stop
beeping?
*Does your cat seem more intelligent than you are sometimes -
and superior to you as well?
If you've answered "yes" to any of the
above, your cat may be a visitor on earth, sneakily gathering reconnaissance
information to aid his race in their plan to conquer human civilization and
blanket the earth with carpet-covered kitty condos. Whatever you do, don't
give him directions to the carpet store.
What Cats from Outer-Space
Look Like:
Cats from outer-space look very much like ordinary cats.
They have four feet, a tail, whiskers, ears that swivel side to side to pick
up sounds from deep space, and eyes that look at you as if they can't believe
how dumb you are. In addition, they are remarkably adept at getting you to do
things that you wouldn't ordinarily do: like pulling yourself out of bed at 3
a.m. to freshen the bowl of liver bits, or opening the back door a dozen
times in less than an hour to let the cat in and out.
What to Feed
Cats from Outer Space:
Nothing that you feed your cat from outer space
will be as good as what they ate on their home planet - and they will remind
you of this frequently. So don't even try to placate them.
Special
Care Tips for Cats from Other Planets:
Remember that sometimes your
cat will slip into an alternate universe in which he will confuse you for a
giant spaceship vending machine - one that he needs merely to stand in front
of meowing in order to elicit bowls of tuna and bits of cheese. Depending
upon what corner of the galaxy your cat harkens from, he may confuse you for
a robot instead - one that he must repeatedly trip in order to procure treats
and transport from.
How Cats from Outer Space Differ from Cats Who've
Been Abducted by Aliens:
Finally, you should not confuse cats from
outer space with those who've been abducted by aliens. While the two kinds of
cats are similar in many ways, cats who've been abducted by aliens like to
run through the house crazily at night, jumping over furniture and scooting
behind potted plants, re-enacting their escape from green men in
saucer-shaped ships.
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