GOLDEN GIRLS

EPISODE #2 HOUSE HUNTING

(ROSE AND DOROTHY ARE LOOKING THRU REAL ESTATE BROCHURES)

ROSE

I like this one.

DOROTHY

Well I do too, but don't you think we could find a house that isn't already condemned?

ROSE

But Dorothy, it's the oldest house in Miami. Who wouldn't want to live in a house so significant in history?

DOROTHY

Someone who wants to live long enough to get to the 2nd floor before they fall thru a floor being held together by termites.

ROSE

Oh I think it would be fun.

DOROTHY

That's the exact same words Stan said 9 months before I had my 1st child.

ROSE

(smiling) You lived in a house with floors held together by termites?

(BLANCHE WALKS IN)

BLANCHE

Hey girls. I picked up a few more brochures for us to look thru.

DOROTHY

All these are for Miami?

BLANCHE

Well are we definitly living in Miami?

DOROTHY

(sarcastic) No, I figured we could live on the moon. It's cheap and you never have to worry about running out of space.

ROSE

Well, that's a silly idea. What would we do with all these brochures? Well, I guess we could give them to the poor.

BLANCHE

Well I was just wondering. I mean while you've been gone, I have dated at least every man in Miami that wasn't married or had too serious brain damage.

DOROTHY

Blanche, that would make you...a...

ROSE

Horny slut?

BLANCHE

All I'm saying is that I'd like to go to a new city and meet new men.

DOROTHY

Get online like everyone else.

(Sophia is at Shady Pines teaching everyone the macarena)

SOPHIA

Stop the music! Stop the music! (music stops) Now how many times do I have to tell you all. We're doing the macarena, not eating macaroni.

AL

(comes up to Sophia) I think I might need a private lesson Sophia.

SOPHIA

You need a lesson to learn how to touch your body and shake yourself all about?

AL

I like the hokey pokey better.

SOPHIA

Well pretend you're doing the hokey pokey and looking for your medical alert tag at the same time. Basically the same thing.

(The music starts and they start doing the macarena, right then Blanche, Rose and Dorothy walk in and look shocked)

DOROTHY

Looks like a Dirty Dancing 50th Anniversary reunion movie.

BLANCHE

This is too funny, I have to get my camera out of the car. (walks away)

ROSE

I think they are adorable.

DOROTHY

You would. MA! MA!

SOPHIA

(jumps) What?!? (turns around) Oh it's you. You know it's dangerous to sneak up on someone my age doing the mararena. I could get stuck doing one of the moves.

DOROTHY

I'm sorry ma. Next time I'll send in a news crew to come in and videotape you to get your attention.

SOPHIA Well make sure they don't come in on Sunday. We have double rehearsal with no breaks. You know what that does to a bladder that's the size of an acorn? It's not pretty...or dry. By the way, meet the gang.

DOROTHY

Not right now ma. Maybe later.

SOPHIA

Who's asking you if you want to? You're going to anyways. This is Emily. She likes to believe she's only 20 years old. So don't flash any mirrors at her. Last time someone did that, she fell on the floor and demanded a face lift. This is Jack, he's cute, sweet and if you weren't already married to such a rich sucker I'd set you up.

DOROTHY

Ma, he's looking at me strange.

SOPHIA

What did I always tell you pussycat if someone ever stared at you?

DOROTHY

Smile big and undo 2 buttons on my blouse.

SOPHIA

(pause)Bad idea. You landed 2 suckers but for you 3rd time is definitly not the charm.

ROSE

We're going house hunting Sophia. Wanna come?

SOPHIA

Me? Why do you want me? Of all the people to take house hunting, you're asking me? Well you know I'd have to check my schedule, I'm pretty busy...

DOROTHY

You want us to beg don't you?

SOPHIA

You got a problem with that?

BLANCHE

(comes back in) Oh shoot. You're doing with your little dance and I've got my camera. Now what am I gonna do with it?

SOPHIA

Set it on time lapse and hang it on your ceiling like you usually do. Come on let's go. I've got dibs on the front seat.

(They are looking thru a house with the owner)

MR SIMPSON

It's got 5 bedrooms. 3 bathrooms. Several closets.

DOROTHY

How much?

SIMPSON

Has an extra large kitchen. Perfect for the little homemaker.

SOPHIA

The only thing little in this house is your brain. How much?

SIMPSON

You know each bathroom has a shower, sink and brand new tiles.

DOROTHY

We're not buying a house for the Queen of England. How much?

SIMPSON

500,000.

ROSE

500,000? That's crazy?

BLANCHE

(seductive) Mr. Simpson, what's your 1st name?

SIMPSON

Kyle.

BLANCHE

Kyle, don't you think 500,000 is a bit much for a house that's not even new?

KYLE

Well...

BLANCHE

Now Kyle, how about 300,000 and (whispers)

KYLE

Uh I don't think so.

BLANCHE

Oh..you're married?

KYLE

No

BLANCHE

Oh. Um..gay?

KYLE

No.

BLANCHE

Then what is it? Don't you find me desirable?

KYLE

Actually..no.

BLANCHE

Oh. Your fly's undone.

KYLE

No it isn't.

BLANCHE

Want it to be?

KYLE

What are you saying?

BLANCHE

I'm saying that I don't like to admit this but I think you should know. My sister is Lorena Bobbit.

SOPHIA

Yikes! I hate to guess who your brother is.

KYLE

What does that have to do with anything Mrs. Deverauex?

BLANCHE

Don't ever tick me off and refuse sex. I don't handle rejection well.

KYLE

Is that a threat?

BLANCHE

Maybe.

KYLE

Well I don't like being threatened.

BLANCHE

What are you gonna do about it big boy?

(Next scene is all 4 of them in jail)

BLANCHE

This is depressing.

DOROTHY

This sucks.

ROSE

This stinks.

SOPHIA

Oh come on, I haven't had a good bowel movement in days. What was I supposed to do? Hold it in? I would be sky rocketing by now.

(They all look at her) ROSE

(stands up and walks around) Oh I hate being in jail.

DOROTHY

Oh come on Rose, it's not like you've never been in jail before.

ROSE

Well that doesn't mean I'm happy to be back. (sits back down) You know this reminds me back in St. Olaf...(the others roll their eyes) there were these twins..Kip and Skip Hanseltonskipper. They were constant competition with each other to see who could get in jail the most. They kept it up for years.

BLANCHE

Who won?

DOROTHY

Does it matter?

ROSE

Well neither of them did.

BLANCHE

You mean they tied?

ROSE

Well, no. Skip was in the middle of stealing a car and had a heart attack and died. And at the time they were tied so to keep things fair, Kip went to that same car and shot himself in the head while stealing it.

DOROTHY

Why did he do that?

ROSE

Oh didn't I mention that Skip put in his will that if he died first he wanted Kip to kill himself so they could continue their competition as ghosts.

SOPHIA

Do you think they'd let us go if we let them throw Rose in the gas champer?

DOROTHY

If you wanna throw someone in the gas chamber,throw Blanche in there.

BLANCHE

Me?

DOROTHY

Yes you. If it wasn't for you acting like a combination of Xena & Lorena Bobbit, wouldn't be here now.

BLANCHE

How was I to know he was gonna call the police?

DOROTHY

You practicly dared him to.

BLANCHE

Well I dare a lot of men. You don't see all of them sending me to jail do you?

DOROTHY

That's because they're too busy unzipping their pants.

BLANCHE

Jealous?

SOPHIA

Would you two shut up? One of you is acting like a slut. Another is acting likea ditzy blonde and the other is acting like a loudmouth. Keep it up and everyone in here is gonna figure out that I'm the only sane one here and start hitting on me.

DOROTHY

Oh ma.

SOPHIA

What? You think cause I got more wrinkles than a 10 year old bed sheet I couldn't be found desirable? A lot of men find me desirable.

DOROTHY

Name 2. SOPHIA

Your father and Cary Grant.

DOROTHY

Pop's dead, he never saw you with these many wrinkles. (pause) Nobody's ever seen that many wrinkles.

SOPHIA

What about Cary Grant?

DOROTHY

Oh ma, you never met Cary Grant.

SOPHIA

Picture it. Hollywood. The early 1950's. I was on a trip with a friend of mine. I wasn't really into Hollywood but hey she was paying. I meet a wonderful young man named Cary Grant. We spend the next week together. Of course not being much of a movie watcher at the time I didn't really know who Cary Grant was. After a week it's time to go home. As I am leaving, he says time he spent with me was: "An Affair To Remember". Later on he makes a movie called: "An Affair To Remember". Draw your own conclusions.

DOROTHY