August 5, 2000

Ahhh, August. (This is my sarcastic way of saying, "Hey, look! Another month, another entry! Woohoo!")

I guess perhaps I'm needing some psychological healing. Lately, I've been not quite myself. (That's my sugar-coated way of saying, "I'm extremely stressed out all the time and I need to figure out how to chill.")
I'm also starting to not take as good  care of myself, which since i'm now a mom, and I'm also not getting any younger.... well, let's just say I should probably change some habits if I want to lead a successful, happy life, and hopefully live a few extra years past 30. :)
I think that lately, I have been making better decisions and being more responsible. I'm still on a quest for fun since I was deprived of it for so very, very long, but I think I'm making some headway in the growing-up department. Let me tell ya something: The Real World ain't no real world, sistahs and brothas.  Well, maybe it is for some people, but I think that for most, it looks like a stereotypical yet "jazzed up for the generation X demographic" soap opera.
Not that I don't see my fair share of drama. I see it allllll the time, especially at work. Being a natural born mediator and advice-giver, I often find myself in the midst of drama going on in my friends' and acquaintences' lives. It's probably a good thing that I don't have as many gay friends now as I did when I lived in Florida. I'd be pulling my hair out in painful clumps instead of just dying it bright fucking red once every two weeks. :P (Note: I am not now, nor do I believe I ever will be, against dyeing one's hair bright, abnormal colors. I'm just pointing out that it's one of my many stress-relief techniques, much like buying a new lipstick or painting your toenails. You girls know what I'm sayin'! ;) I am also not saying that gay men irritate me. On the contrary, I love being around gay men. they make me happy.  I was just pointing out that wherever gay men are, drama follows like a shadow. It's always interesting, but if it's anything heavy or serious (abuse, and other big problem kind of issues) it is all consuming for someone like me, who doesn't like to see a friend in a really bad position and devotes more time than is probably legally necessary to assist in solving the problem. *INHALE* :)
It does not help that I attract people who have problems, need advice, and keep on making the same stupid mistakes because they like the sympathy enough to put up with a really shitty situation. These kind of people, I quickly find, I do not want to be around at all because the fact that they ignore their  problems for attention annoys the hell out of me.  Either that, or they're doing something so stupid and dangerous that my advice won't help them, or they won't let it help them. That's a shitty situation, especially if the person is someone you consider a very close friend. It's hard to walk away from someone, but it's easier to do it before they kill themselves. That might sound shitty, but it's true. Think about how fragile your psyche is, especially when you are under stress of any kind. A death, especially of someone you feel very close to, even love, is very shattering. When it comes to family, children, or a spouse, you don't walk away just because you don't want to deal with losing someone you love so dearly. But with a friend, even a really close one, that's a situation where even though it might suck, and it might hurt a lot, you will be able to deal with the actual death better. It may not even affect you much (but I suppose that's where the level of friendship you had for the person comes in.)  There's only so much you can do for certain people. When someone you know is suffering from a mental disability, they aren't always of sound enough mind to really take your advice seriously. They have their minds pretty much set on things, and when their mind gets set on something bad, there's not much you can do about it, and it's hard to deal with, sometimes downright scary.
If they're suffering from serious drug abuse (specifically highly addictive drugs), it's very similar. The person can't think straight enough to make decisions for him/herself, is paranoid, is sometimes violent or rude. Trying to tell a person like this that they need help with their addiction is like trying to walk through a minefield in the dark. This is something that you have to let someone very influential in their life (parent, spouse, child, etc.) take care of. You can (and should try) to help, but don't make it you'r life's mission. If you're like me, and you can't help it, then you need to walk away from the situation before it gets really bad and hard to deal with emotionally.

I'm sorry. I guess it seems like I'm going on a tangent. I'm really just sorting my mental clutter and trying to work through some of my issues through writing. I'm no expert at psychology, but I think I'm analyzing myself a little bit, too. Anyway, hope ya don't mind. :)

I know I have a bit more mental clutter to break through. But since I read some stuff about meditation and it's positive mind/body benefits, i think I'm going to give that a shot. I know, I know, new-age bullcrap. But you know what? If I do it and it works, you'll know. :)