December 4, 1999... The first journal entry in nearly THREE weeks!

I am getting so lax with this webpage that it isn't even funny.
I haven't been doing anything important (although the fear of Internet Explorer crashing while I try to work on the page and losing everything has been part of my deterrent) that would keep me from updating, I just haven't been doing it.

Today, my friends, that all changes.

The funny thing is, I've had all these ideas lately. Ideas and dreams, both worthy of writing for the sake of entertainment. But have I? No. Yesterday I decided to get back on the newsgroups. Get my writing skills back up to par, and flowing. When I stop writing, it takes a long time for me to get back in it, and seeing as how I'm in webrings that will pull me out if I don't update often enough, I don't want to get caught in a slump like that.

People keep encouraging me to write. And I never oblige. At least not right away. I'm rectifying that situation now, seeing as how I told Bill I would write today. I had intended on putting down a story based on this bizarre dream I had about Mike Patton killing me for breaking up with him, but I'm choosing to be faithful to my loyal viewers and my webrings instead.

Speaking of Mike Patton, he seems to have wormed his way back into my heart after all these years. I guess it was the Mr. Bungle show I attended a few weeks back. Ever since, I've had cravings to listen to Faith No More and Mr. Bungle, he's been in my dreams a few times, and I watched "You Fat Bastards" (Live FNM video from 1990) for the first time in like, 6 years. And I found out the old flame got married. Oh, I was depressed for a couple days after that. My bedroom was a shrine to Mike Patton in the early 90's. And I regret not staying the full length of the Bungle show. I could have made it a point to meet him afterwards.They played two sets; no opening band. The hour and a half I saw was killer, but it was too smoky, hot, and crowded in there for me. I'm not usually sensitive to that stuff. I remember thinking that I was glad I didn't have Jason with me. He never liked club shows all that much because he hates smoke. Though I wonder if he'd put that in the back of his mind to witness Bungle in action. I think he would wear an oxygen mask for the occasion, personally. For his sake, I hope that when Bungle heads to Florida, they play at Jannus Landing.

Liam is progressing rapidly. He's not so much a baby anymore as he is a little boy. His favorite word is "Bob", which he repeats over and over again, much to the delight of his grandfather, whose name is Bob. I took it as an indication that he's a pure SubGenius child, and now my faith is renewed. His father taught him a few days ago how to clap. Now he does it all the time, while drooling and saying "BobBobBobBobBobBob..." at the top of his lungs. He's also attempting to walk, by means of standing up, holding onto things, and taking shaky steps. Rob and I are in big trouble now. He also knows how to climb stairs. Double uh-oh.

I've been very happy lately. I've been trying to dig into the roots of my depression, to see if it's more than mere post-partum shit. I came out of my digging to FULLY realize that I had done some shitty things to people in the last couple of years, without even really realizing it, because I was stupid and a hell of a lot more selfish than I am now. I guess having a kid does that to you. I decided that since I've become better at being a human bieng by way of natural processes, my baggage can be put aside and I can be happy again. I feel a little distancing with Elyse, but weirdly enough I'm not that bummed out by that. I love her and all, but lately, I can only handle so much of her before I want to go away and cleanse myself internally. I suppose that's for the best, that I'm finding this out now, early in our friendship. I do have this habit of diving fully into new relationships without really knowing the person, and that always sets me up for bad things later, since I have always had this problem of not being able to tell people I have a problem with them until it all builds up so much that it all comes out at once. I was good this time, though... the last couple of times she did something that bothered me, I came right out and told her about it. Being with Rob is doing me good, because he's always encouraged me from the start of our relationship to always be up front with him if he's doing something that bothers me. And that is making me do that with other people in my life, too. I've already apologised to Jason for being like that, and also for handling our breakup really poorly. I tried to do that with Eric, too, even though he didn't deserve an apology. He DID stalk me, after all. But I never got a reply from him on that. I felt better knowing that he knows, though. This wasn't stuff I did recently, either. I last conversed with Jason via email several months ago, and Eric, a year ago (but got no reply.) But I guess those were the first steps in getting to this point. I guess it's been weighing on my mind a lot lately, and I'm not quite sure why. I guess because I was sick of being depressed, and I finally managed to figure out some of the source instead of putting the blame on post partum depression.