i woke up one morning fairly recently and discovered that I must be Freya. I've always been the loving and nurturing type, but it seems like now, everyone wants me to be their mother. and that's okay, i'm not really complaining. but it's just weird. yeah, i enjoy being a caretaker of sorts, but that doesn't mean i want to take care of myself, too. i keep finding myself running to my friends and complaining about everything in my life, and it's always, "Don't worry, Michelle. Things will work out." That seems to be the best answer anyone ever wants to give. no one ever wants to be consoling. well, okay. SOME folks do. but i dunno. what the fuck am i talking about, anyway? i guess i just need a break. god, what i wouldn't give for even a few hours of pampering that I'm not doing by myself for myself. i'm not talking about gifts or vacations (though those would be nice too,) just something i can indulge in selfishly. i've been so incredibly stressed out over the last couple months (oh HELL, who am I kidding? reading back on this journal, I think I've been in constant stress mode for much longer than that...) that i just want a break. i need a sugar daddy. yeah, that's it. grr, no it's not. i dunno. i guess i just want to be taken care of, even if it's just briefly. i want to make love without being the one to initiate things. i want to be cherished, and adored. i want to be taken on an emotional rollercoaster that doesn't involve negative feelings, for once. i know i'm not ready for a serious relationship right now. i've been hurt far too badly in recent months, and i don't think i can go into a relationship right now with a clear mind. but i can't help but want all of those things. and i want even more than that. i've never been given flowers. i've never been on a real date (yeah, of course i've gone to movies and dinner with boyfriends of the past, but it's not the same. I want to be taken out. I want to do something that requires me to dress up and look good. knowwhutimeen?) and i've never really been romanced. oh, i've had tastes, but that's just it. they were tastes. samples. bite size pieces. is it selfish for me to want all of that? Am i not getting it because i'm not deserving of it? I do so much for everyone I care about; i would imagine that things like this are totally long overdue. i'm complaining again. why can i never be satisfied with what I have??? maybe i just always want the things i can't have. it seems to be common practice for me, which is why i always manage to get hurt no matter how hard i try to do good for people. close friends keep telling me i need to focus on myself and forget about being Freya for a while. but it's so hard for me.
why couldn't I just be Aphrodite? Even for just one fucking day? Arrgh. |