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So i've been thinking a lot about what I wrote in yesterday's entry. Yes, I was, in fact, complaining. It's just that i often feel like I'm being pulled in fifty different directions. So many people are competing for my attention, and if any one of them gets neglected, they get angry with me. and then I feel bad, i feel like i'm not doing my duty as a good friend. but who do i go to when *I'm* the one who needs a shoulder to cry on? Admittedly, I usually go to Ben, because he's my best friend and he understands me better than i understand myself sometimes. But he's going through a lot of heavy shit right now, so why should I put any added burden on him? I'd rather be his source of comfort at this point, because that's what he needs. i dunno. i just feel so uneven. i just want someone to wave a magic wand and make me feel better, already. i keep looking inside myself to find out just what's going on with me, and the answers i find are never satisfactory. i don't know what to do to change things. it's weird because for the most part, things are looking up. things were weird between Ben and I for a while, now things are better. things were bad with Rob and I, now things are better. things were weird with Bill and I, now things are getting weirder and more confusing, but hey, it's BETTER than it WAS. well, at least in some respects. it all intertwines to make one hell of a crazy conflict. separately, all of those things are fine and dandy, but link them together.... now I have a migraine. and then there's feather, who i adore but there is something pulling at my sleeve telling me to be wary, which fucking irks me. Renee feels like I'm neglecting her. But as far as that goes... the road goes both ways, you know? She doesn't call me very often, if at all, unless I leave her a message. I can't go out of my way to contact people when I have fifty others competing for my attention. I have to let people come to me. If they don't, then they don't. I get in touch when I can. I guess that sounds kind of mean, but it's true. And I've never been good at keeping in touch with anyone. I'm the type that returns calls and emails. That's just the way I am, it's the way I will probably always be. I guess that must piss some people off, especially if I only go to them when I need someone to talk to about whatever issues I'm having. It seems like there are fewer and fewer people I can go to, while more and more people are piling up to come to me for solutions. And the people I CAN go to, have enough of their own issues. I can barely solve my own problems. How am I supposed to solve anyone else's? And the thing that SUCKS about that, is that I can't help it. I care about you, you've got an issue, you come to me, I will do everything in my power to help. In that kind of situation, I cannot say no. Ever. Of course, if it's someone like Josephine, who has an asshole abusive boyfriend, and she complains and complains, all the time asking what she should do, and then doesn't take my advice (Leave him, DUH) that's when I walk the fuck away because I'm wasting what litte energy I have and getting pissed off to boot. I just need to relax. I need to be completely free of my own problems and everyone else's. Of course, that's never going to happen, because I can't say no, and no one is going to put aside their issues long enough to be there for me instead. I must be insane to even expect that. I don't even really know why I am this way. It's not like helping people really bears any fruit. What do I get out of it? Absolutely nothing, most of the time. And it's not like I'm selfish. Not by nature, anyway. I'm being selfish now because I feel like I need to be. I feel like I have very little left that I should even give a shit about. And really, it's not fair. I mean, shit.... I do so fucking much and get so little in return. I can't remember the last time my birthday meant something to me, so I guess it didn't mean enough to anyone in my life. (it's coming up in a few weeks. Hmmm, maybe that's why all of this is weighing so heavy on my mind. I fear I'm going to have another lonely, crappy birthday.) Same with Christmas, and Valentine's Day. Halloween is usually good, but that's only because it's an excuse to watch horror movies. I dunno. It's not like I want anything big, you know? I just want to know that people appreciate me. I guess, in some abstract way, the fact that my friends come to me for support is the way they show it. But that's not what I want as a show of gratitude. I guess maybe that's why I've been craving romance so much, because it's passion and it's something that makes you feel wanted and loved and fucking worthwhile to exist on this planet. Romance is not something I am going to get anytime soon, however, because I'm not in a relationship, nor do I have any solid prospects. Besides, if someone were to get romantic with me at this point, it would probably be really damaging to my psyche. I wouldn't know how to handle it. I'd enjoy it too much, and then when it's over, I'd be reduced to a pile of dust. There's a couple of people I think I could and would accept it from, but they're not going to offer it right now, at least not to me.
I always thought that getting away from my parents was going to solve things, make things easier. but it doesn't. My mother doesn't give a fuck about me, so that's completely tainted my views on women (the fact that most of my female friends have stepped on me does NOT help.)
I find it kind of funny that despite all of this bullshit, I still have high self esteem. It's fading a little though, obviously, since I'm feeling that I'm being neglected in every aspect of my life.... I feel like I deserve great things, I'm just not getting them. I love my friends, I cherish each and every one of them. It just doesn't feel like any of them cherish me. I guess, maybe, that everyone has their own ways of showing that they care. And I guess I'm just completely incapable of seeing it at all. Or maybe everything is just peachy and I'm digging for drama. Who the fuck knows? All I know is, I'm not happy and I want to be. |
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