January 7, 2001
	i guess i've been kinda silly lately. not silly ha ha, silly "what the hell's the matter with you, girl?" i dunno. i can't help the way i feel about some things. and i know to some of you who read this, you must find some of my entries rather cryptic. i can't help that. i have a problem with being blatant out in the open like this with some subjects. unfortunately, i often use my journal to put across a message to someone in particular without having to actually say it to them, and i just cross my fingers and hope they "get" the message. sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. but it's something i should really stop doing. it's not lying, but it is kinda cowardly, not saying things to people's faces. i guess it's just that when i'm having intense feelings (good or bad) about something, it's hard for me to form the words. now i am in a situation where i should really be speaking my mind openly and honestly. but i'm so not interested in conflict. it's not even really conflict, per se, but there's a possibility of it. i so don't need that right now. i feel like i always have some fucking conflict going on in my life. or maybe life is just a series of conflicts, and i am, for some bizarre reason, choosing to focus on those instead of the good things. it's so silly of me, but i just want things to be right. a lot of things in my life are right. but some of them need tweaking, and the tweaking, unfortunately, has to be left up to other people because it's not my place to whip out the sledgehammer and start bludgeoning. i know if i did that, then there'd be some REAL conflict. but what i'm fearing is that if i point out that certain things need to be done, that resentment is going to start rearing it's ugly head. or that i'm going to come across in a way that i don't want to. it's complicated. (and it's probably cryptic to you, dear reader, and i apologise. it's really something i can't discuss or name names, and not because i don't want to, but because it would just be a really bad idea.) you don't need a backup. i'm here, i'm not going anywhere; you can trust in that. you've got some news to deliver, and my suggestion is that you deliver it, because the hurt will only become worse if you don't. cryptic enough for ya? there i go, doing it again. sending out messages via this page instead of just fucking SAYING it. i guess i really am a coward. but i still like to see things get done when they need to get done. sigh. i'll probably just blurt it out anyway since it's built up enough at this point. who knows, maybe i'll chicken out at the last minute or get distracted (not that hard for me to do, especially in the presence of certain people.) we'll see.