i feel so fucking clueless.
why have i put myself in this position? i guess maybe i really like the pain and the suffering, but i know in reality i don't. maybe it's easier to deal with, i don't know. i can't imagine why it would be easier to accept pain than it would be to accept happiness. but i guess it is, because that's exactly what i am doing.
feather told me that myself and a certain someone are going to have a child together eventually. "THEY" want it to happen, he says. the thought completely frightens me because a.) i swore up and down after i had Liam that I would not have any more kids, and b.) because said person does not have his life in order enough to be a father, and neither do i. and it feels like neither of us ever will. it's hard enough that i'm already a mother and trying to cope with that, still, after two years. is that fucked up, or what? I've been a mom for two years and i STILL feel like i'm not doing the right thing.
i guess i am, to a point. Liam is a happy, smart, and healthy child. but i am not healthy or happy. i like to think i'm smart, but sometimes i think i am the world's biggest fucking asshole moron LOSER because i keep making dumb mistakes. and they aren't even really mistakes, it's more like i keep doing the same things over and over again. i'm stuck in this bizarre pattern that i can't get out of no matter how hard i try. i am fully aware that in order to survive in this world, you have to know how to take care of yourself. you have to work, you have to play, you have to love. i do all of that except work, unless you consider mommyhood a job, which i don't. work is something you get paid for in currency. motherhood is something you get paid for in unconditional love and getting to watch your child mature into a responsible and intelligent human being.
something has to be done. i don't know what, exactly. i need to stop procrastinating and grab the bull by the horns, in every aspect of my life. i have to stop being so goddamned afraid. i don't even know why i AM so afraid, either. it makes no sense. what the fuck is so scary about getting a fucking paycheck? I know I'm not that lazy. I am, to a degree, but i pretty much do what I have to do. but it's not enough. there's so much more i should be doing. i'm just not sure what, exactly, and i'm not sure how to get over my fears. i keep making up excuses, and, it's funny, but i'm starting to tire of them. of my own damn excuses. no one can help me except myself. i know i don't have too much self loathing; i guess maybe i do and i just keep it buried because I like appearing confident. and I am confident about most things. I guess that because i've had so much rejection and so many lies dealt to me, the confidence is waning a lot. I know, I know... life is always going to be full of pain and obstacles and rejection and i'm going to have to take things as they come and stop trying to avoid getting in those situations because i'll only hurt worse in the end. i'm getting to the point where i don't know who or what to believe anymore; it's like everyone tells me something different, and then i've got my spirit guides telling me something else, and i don't know what i can believe and what i can't. i'm trying so hard to be open, and to take all of this information that's overloading me and trying to process it so that it results in a solid answer. it never fucking does. maybe i'm just completely fucking crazy at this point. maybe i have completely lost it, maybe i need to be checked into the local institute so I can finally get my life in order. I don't know what the solution is. i just know that *I* need to do SOMETHING. i'm trying so desperately to figure it out. i'm just tired of taking the easy way out because it doesn't get me anywhere. it never has, so i doubt that it ever will.
and that's just on a survival tip. as far as personal relationships, that's just as, if not more confusing. there's too much weirdness in that department, and a lot of the reason why is because he and I are both in the same motherfucking boat. the only difference between us is that i'm getting tired and i want change, and i don't think he does. i think deep down, maybe, he does, but, for some reason, despite all of his pain and depression, it's easier for him to just exist instead of live. i don't want to just exist. i want to enjoy life for once, because i never fucking have before. i don't know how to get him on the same plateau as i am, because i don't know if he's really ready to make changes. and it's not that i want him to make changes for me, i want him to make them for himself, because he is capable and deserving of being very successful and happy. i know i am too, and i'm tired of waiting for it to be handed to me. he is one of the few things in my life that make me happy and make me hopeful about the future, but i'm having my doubts because if we both don't get our shit together, if not at the same time, then at least reasonably close, one of us is going to be unhappy, and it's probably going to be me. for no other reason than because i can't be a mother to a grown man who is completely cabable of being successful, powerful, and happy, but who is too afraid to be those things. I don't like being dependent on other people. Sometimes you have to be, and I think I have been for far too long. I've worn out my welcome as far as being dependent goes. And I haven't been doing it that long. I just realized, hey, i'm fucking twenty four. i have no college degree, my work experience is shit, my family doesn't help and doesn't want to, and here i am, just EXISTING. I may as well be dead to the world, because the world doesn't even know that I'm here. I don't want that for myself anymore, and because i love him, i don't want that for him, either. i have no idea what it will take to make him realize that he needs to make changes he doesn't want to make right now. i don't think just telling him will do it, because i've tried to tell him that he needs to do certain things a certain way, and he never does. but i don't give ultimatums, and I don't feel like I should have to. i just want happiness. for myself, for him, for my immediate family, and for anyone who has had to deal with my whining ass for the last however many years. all of my friends are concerned about me; they don't understand why i'm so depressed all the time, and when i try to explain what's bothering me, they don't really LISTEN. They hear what they want to hear and then they spew it back at me in this deformed way that does nothing but make me more upset. the exception is feather, because he sees things the way they really are, and he has yet to give me bad advice. Sigh. I know what I have to do, but I'm so afraid. I've never been this afraid. i don't want to lose what little i have, and i want to gain some happiness already. i know i have to work to get to it, and i know it's going to be hard as hell, but it has to be done because i can't sit on this fat ass of mine forever. i am never going to succeed if i don't do something with myself and with my life.
sigh. enough rambling. i probably lost you all 5 paragraphs ago anyway.