May 12, 2000

i feel yucky today. I'm tired, bored, and I feel like I ate something bad. BLAH.

I have absolutely nothing to write about.

So you're probably wondering why I'm bothering, right? Well, if nothing else, it's to appease my legions of fans who keep complaining that I don't put up new journals enough. Now you can all shut up and read.

Wooo-fucking-hoo, right?

I said, RIGHT?

That's better.

Yeah, so anyway, I don't even know where to begin. I think it's kinda obvious by now that I am in a pissy mood and would probably be better off taking a nap or drinking some plop plop fizz fizz oh-what-a-relief-it-is, but no, here I am, sitting in front of the laptop, the odor  of my now ice cold coffee from earlier this morning drifting happily up into my nostrils, and my soggy, squishy brain making a feeble attempt at entertaining you, dear reader. I better get some sexual favors for this.

Speaking of sex, I've come to a conclusion. I know I've said in the past that I'm misogynistic, that women bug the hell out of me with their jealousy and cattiness and swaying hips. I don't think I meant it much then, but I think I do now. Seriously. I came to the realization today that I have not had a lasting friendship with a member of the same sex since high school. And even back then, the roots of my misogyny were starting to grow; my closest female friends were always stealing my crushes away from me (because lets face it, a flat stomach and nice tits will always win out over brains and compatibility.)

Why am I coming to this conclusion now? I have a new female friend in my life. Not that she's stealing anyone away from me or anything, but the last few times I've gone out with her, she gets hit on repeatedly, and I don't get so much as a hello unless she introduces me. Not that this should really bother me, since getting hit on is extremely annoying. But I think it's obvious where I'm going with this. Being with her makes me feel ugly and unwanted. Stupid and childish, isn't it?

Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. It's not like I've ever had problems getting a boyfriend (although getting a girlfriend proves tricky time and again...) But nevertheless, I don't like the feeling I get when this happens. She's not the first person this has happened to me with; as a matter of fact, it has happened to me with every female friend I've ever had since high school. Attractive girls flock to me, and want friendship out of me, which I usually give until they stomp on me in some way or another. Come to think of it, it's a good thing I wasn't close with any girls while I was with Eric, because someone would have no doubt tried to take him from me at some point. Not that any of the guys I've been with were unattractive, but he was model quality. Too bad his personality didn't match his good looks.

I guess maybe it's a jealousy issue, though I don't want it to be. I'm always thinking to myself that I'm better than the girls who are getting all the attention, not only looks wise, but usually brain wise as well. I'm not just thinking it, I'm believing it. Whether it's actually true or not is up to who you ask, I suppose. I really don't have any image issues with myself. I think I could bear to lose 20 or 30 pounds, but I also figure that if it bothered me that much, I'd do something about it. Other than that, I'm pretty content and think myself kinda desirable. So why is it that when I go out, no one looks at me, but whoever I'm with is the center of attention?

Yes, it's true. the women I choose as my friends don't just get hit on. They get hit on by *groups*. They get looked at by everyone, and talked to by the ones with some balls (or who are drunk enough to have balls.) So it's bad enough if they get hit on once, but it has to happen 2, 3, sometimes 4 or more times before the night is through.

My new friend, despite her violently jealous boyfriend, likes it. She also likes rubbing it in, which really grates on my nerves. She even went so far as to call me today to tell me how many more guys tried to pick her up after I left from hanging out last night.  It's my personal opinion that she uses her jealous boyfriend as a way to generate attention, in the hopes that some guy who is stronger and more attractive than her current mate will take her away from her oh-so-shitty situation. If I had a dime for how many times I and our mutual friends (and even STRANGERS!) have told her to ditch this guy, I could afford to take a much-needed vacation.

I almost feel bad talking about her like this, but as is the case with every other girl I become friends with, I think they're great for the first month or so that I know them, and then their true colors start to come through. Don't get me wrong, she's a nice girl. She probably doesn't even realize what she's doing. But it is getting on my nerves, and not just from a jealousy standpoint. She often stretches the truth or says she won't (or will) do something, and then doesn't. For example, there's a guy at work who has a thing for her. She's not attracted to him in the least. She tells me this all the time, in fact, she even said she was a little afraid of him. And yet, when we hang out around him, she's flirty and touchy feely. This situation has brought up issues at the workplace because he said to one of my male friends that he wanted to "fuck her silly and make her forget about her boyfriend." He then proceeded to ask her to go out with him alone one night, and her reply was, "I can't." Not "No, I'm not interested in you like that." I told her what was said, only because it rubbed me the wrong way and also, if someone said that about me, I'd damn well want to know about it. Well, my friend who told me got angry at me for telling her what he described as "guy talk". Understandable. But it wouldn't have been so bad if she hadn't gone to management and said she was worried, AND told her boyfriend, even though she swore she wouldn't. So now this guy is being watched, he doesn't trust his supervisor (my friend) anymore, her boyfriend wants to kill him, and she is constantly looking over her shoulder because she took what he said the wrong way. She took the comment to the extreme and now thinks he wants to rape her. But the reality is, she's brought it upon herself. She's very flirtatious, and very touchy-feely, but she doesn't expect anyone to think that she wants them. She even does it to me, and if I didn't know better (I'm also not physically attracted to her, so that helps) I would probably be having the same thoughts that all the guys at work have about her.

The way I see things is, She is my friend, but I don't plan on letting the roots of the friendship grow too deeply. I don't trust her, and I can't be friends with someone I don't have some trust in. Besides, she's beginning to look like the stereotypical model of what I despise in a female.

Sigh. Why can't I just make a clone of myself to hang out with? Can't there be any girls out there who aren't manipulative, catty, or otherwise screwed up in some really disturbing way? I'm beginning to lose hope. Thank god guys are cool. Guys are good. I like guys. Guys have good brains. Guys aren't catty and scandalously tantalizing. (Well, some are. :))

QUIT YER BITCHIN! take me home!