November 9, 1999

I just got soap in my eye while washing off makeup. Oh, the trials and tribulations of being a woman. Bah. I often wonder why I even bother wearing it sometimes. I was never one to cake my face with the shit, and even still, I just put on a little eye shadow and liner, lip gloss, and maybe a little glitter if I’m going out somewhere club-like. I’m so tired right now that it’s hard to think correctly; getting soap in my eye didn’t help any.
I sound bitchy, don’t I? I’m going through a bit of a bitchy phase right now, I suppose it’ll pass eventually because bitch isn’t a part of me unless there’s hormones or PMS involved. I was informed today that postpartum depression can often last over a year. That explains my major mood swings and occasional thoughts of suicide. (Note: I said occasional. And when I have had those thoughts I’ve dismissed them almost as fast as they’ve entered my head. So any of you reading this who are worrywarts when it comes to me, chill. I’m just going through emotional changes that are completely natural and probably, in some sick way, healthy.) It sucks having to deal with depression. Mine isn’t very serious, but I guess that for me personally, any level of depression isn’t quite right. I’m pretty happy most of the time and I don’t often let stuff get to me. Just in the last 5 or 6 months have I been not quite myself. Which is fine. I don’t like it, but I know I’ll get past it at some point so I try not to worry too much.
I feel the worst for Rob. He’s the one who gets the brunt of my wrath, when it’s there. I’ll be fine all day, and sometimes when he comes home my mood just changes. And, being a little on the sensitive side, Rob wonders what he did wrong. And it’s not him, it’s totally me. It’s like, all he has to do is say something I don’t want to hear and I snap into bitch mode. I’m so glad he’s being tolerant of it, because I’m not sure that I would be were I in his shoes. I’ve even been bitchy to Elyse lately, though I believe I haven’t been as blunt about it with her as I have with Rob. It’s been subtle things, like acting indifferent when she tells me something I don’t particularly care to hear. That’s so not me, and it bothers me sometimes.
My parents want us to come visit some weekend in December, before Christmas. I put off setting a date to go because I didn’t really want to go visit them. I just saw them in July, I’m not in any rush to get back up there. Though I do want to see my dad and have him see Liam. But I never look forward to seeing my mother, which isn’t any surprise. But I did go ahead and ask for those days off from work, so I guess I’m going after all.
Speaking of work, I need a new job. The video store just isn’t doing it for me. Sure, it’s flexible. Sure it’s easy work. But there’s someone working there who is a little rat, bending the truth and going to the owners and saying shit about me. I got a lecture last time I worked and I wasn’t too pleased about that. I don’t make enough money there, anyway. Elyse just got a job as an erotic dancer at a club in long Branch, and I tried to get some DJ work there. It was looking promising until tonight. The owner told Elyse not to bring me there anymore; he says my presence is bad for business. Bunch of bullshit, am I wrong? The DJ they have there is a dick to the dancers, and shows up when he feels like it. So there goes the possibility of having a cool job and feeling good about replacing an asshole.
So I’m beginning to wonder where I should look for work. I have no degree, so all I can get, pretty much, are shit jobs. Even if I worked at Rutgers like Rob suggested, I’d end up being a janitor. Stop me if I’m wrong here, but I think I have enough brain cells to do something much more challenging than scrubbing toilets and mopping floors at a university. It really is a sin that in order to get decent work in this country you need a stupid little piece of paper that you basically just shell out a few hundred grand for.  I have quite a few talents that I could get paid very well for, but no one out there is going to give me a chance because I don’t have four full years of college education under my belt. I taught myself how to use photoshop. I think that’s much more commendable than someone who sat in a class and learned it while paying however-many hundreds of dollars to have some schmuck stand in front of a classroom and teach it to them. Corporate companies don’t see it that way unfortunately. And it’s not that I don’t want to go back to school. I do. However, I’m at a place in my life right now where I need to be working and not making 5 bucks an hour. I also want to enjoy my work. I’ve spent the last ten years working mostly at jobs I hated, and the ones I did like, I had flakes for bosses who would, from time to time, pay me in bags of weed because they couldn’t afford to pay me actual cash that week.
I’m so bitchy. I should just go to bed. I think I will.