October 6, 1999

Drill a fucking hole in my head and leave me for dead. I'm sick to death of certain things happening in my life, and I am so prepared to turn my back and walk away from it all.
I suppose you want details. Well, guess what? You aren't getting any. I'll put it this way, (List-form, Alanis-style:) jealousy with no good reason behind it. a rediculous notion that I should explore certain sides of myself and no one should stand in the way of that. the desperate need to get away from everything and everyone in my life, and retreat somewhere private with a computer and art supplies for 72 hours.
soul searching. that's what I need. and it's hard to do that with babies and boyfriends and male friends with girlfriends who are jealous of you, and cute girls who want you but not your boyfriend, and parents all up in your shit.... i could go on and on.
Give me a beer and give me a bed. Chase the demons out of my head.
I always find it kind of funny that along with all the good stuff that happens in your life, a certain amount of bad has to come along with it. And in this point in my life, the bad isn't devastating, but it's stressful as hell. But, where am I to go to get away from the stress? I can't go visit my parents. My mother makes me psychotic. I can't go to any friends' houses in massachusetts, because that inevitably means seeing my mother. I can't go visit Bill, because there's where some of my stress is coming from, and I somehow doubt spending a weekend with him and his girlfriend who thinks I'm a scumbag is going to ease any tension. I suppose I could spend a weekend at Elyse's, but then there's another tension there: we're both attracted to each other (as far as I know, anyway)  and can't do anything about it because she doesn't like threesomes, so that leaves out Rob, who doesn't want me doing anything sexually with anyone without him involved. All the places I could possibly escape to will only further my stresses. And that in itself is pretty goddamn stressful. if I had the money, I could go to Seattle and visit James and Marc, but money is a factor there and it's something I don't have. Maybe I should go to Real World auditions. Boy, would they love this complicated soul.

October 7, 1999

Wow. Stress. Angst. It's a wonder that I'm not looney yet. But since yesterday, I've been doing some thinking. I'm really sick of being angsty. I started to wonder what happened to the Michelle of yore, the optimisitic, fun-loving, always smiling old me.
i want my old friends, i want my old face. i want my old mind; fuck this time and place.
Well, maybe I don't want my old friends so much; the ones I have now are pretty fucking cool and I wouldn't trade them in for new or old models.
There's Rob. He and I have been on kind of shaky ground recently because of the whole bisexual thing. I don't want him to feel bad, but he doesn't want to let me explore on my own. I've decided to just accept this and let life run it's course. If I am meant to know the pleasures of a woman's body, then it will happen eventually.
Then there's Bill, who I consider my best friend, despite never having met him in person. We've had this problem where his girlfriend sees me as some sort of competition and refuses to believe that I'm not. Allow me to say it one last time: I AM DEEPLY AND MADLY IN LOVE WITH ROB. Fear not, my friend, I pose NO threat. And that's all I'm going to say on this topic, ever again. The stress brewing from this situation has had me in one of the worst funks I've been in since I was in Boston. So I'm taking it all, putting it in a little lock box, covering the key with juice from a fresh cow's liver, and putting it in Cecil's dog bowl. I want to have a friendship with Bill, but not if drama is going to brew up every other day as a result.
And finally, there's Elyse. I know that the last time I wrote of her, I didn't know her well enough to completely consider her a close friend. But we've been hanging out much more frequently, and the more I get to know her, the more I like her. Last night, we were on the phone and I was telling her the whole horrid story behind why my mother sucks, and how my father doesn't know what went on when he wasn't around, and so forth. She thinks I should call my dad and just spill; tell him all the nasty things my mother did, and point out all the manipulative things she's done, not just to me, but to everyone. I explained that as much as I'd love to do that, I don't need to drag all that shit up again and have my mother call me after my dad inevitably speaks to her about it. Elyse says, "What's the worst that can happen? She phone harrasses you? So you hang up and get a restraining order. And if she jumps in the car and comes down here, I don't care how I have to get there, but i'll be waiting on your front porch with a baseball bat." Now THAT, my friends, is friendship. When she said that, I came to the full realization of what a caring and loyal person Elyse is, and how wonderfully happy I am to have her as a friend.
I think everyone approaches friendships differently. Some folks are so caught up in themselves or their problems to give themselves over to other people completely. Others, like myself, dive into friendships as though they were a vast pool of opportunity, fun, and intensity. I cuddle with my friends. I flirt with my friends. Hell, if i wasn't so strict about monogamy, I'd probably sleep with my friends, too. I am a very intense and caring person. I can't not be totally in love with my friends, especially if they are the same way. They understand that intensity because they are intense in the same ways as I am. Some people misinterpret that and think that it's a little strange, or unnatural. I can't imagine close friendships being any other way. I wouldn't want it to be any other way. Life is too short to not have close, intense relationships with other members of the human race, especially those who you connect with deeply. I have been so depressed since moving to new jersey because it's been forever since I had friendships like the ones I now have with Bill and Elyse. And now that I have them, I'm stopping this shit of being angsty about all the stupid crap: jealousy, lust, whatever. Because it's not worth it. I'm so thankful to have these people in my life, and I'm not going to let anything fuck with that. I've been given a gift, and I'm going to cherish that and hold on to it for as long as possible.

elyse again. she really wanted me to put this picture up, so I'm complying. but only because i feel like being nice. :)

Rob, Liam, and I, the day I came home from the hospital after giving birth. Ain't we sweet? :)

Bill with Mistress Lilith. (cool hair, eh?) some guys have all the luck, I'm tellin ya.