September 29, 1999

Being away from the computer isn't a big deal, really. But I was itching to work on my site, and also, i missed Bill a lot. Aside from Rob and Elyse, he's my best friend and my only source of communication with him is via the internet. When I don't talk to him for a day or two, i feel a little empty, like I'm missing out on something. And at the same time, I feel anxious to tell him about shit happening in my life. I have a lot going on in my head all the time, so I need folks to unload my thoughts on, and he's one of the best listeners I know. i feel refreshed after talking to him, so when I don't get to, I feel like there's a buildup inside of me that's ready to burst any second. I dunno why it's so important for me to be able to do that with him, because I unload on Rob and Elyse too, but i don't feel completely done until I've talked to Bill, too. Weird, isn't it? I can't quite explain it. Maybe it's because I can talk to him about areas of my life that i don't feel 100% comfortable talking about with Rob or Elyse. And that's not to say i hide stuff from them; I don't. But the way I present stuff to them is a little different. For example, I feel like I can rave about them to Bill and not feel weird about it. And when I have a teeny gripe about Rob, I can talk to him about it and he usually manages to get me past it. When I have a problem with Rob, i tell him (it's not often, believe me.) but there's some things you can't be blunt to people about without fear of hurting their feelings, or wondering if what you're saying to them is presented in the right way, so as not to make them feel bad. Rob's pretty sensitive, so I try to just work things out in my head or discuss them with someone I trust before presenting him with it. Usually I don't even have to, especially when I talk to Bill, because by the time we're done talking about it, I've resolved the problem without ever having had to involve Rob at all. This is good, because I am paranoid about making anyone uncomfortable, especially people I love. Does any of this make any sense?? I'm basically just spewing thoughts at this point, so if it doesn't, forgive me. :)
Anyway, I guess I'm just saying that i'm glad I have Bill to talk to. He gets my brain pretty well, and most don't, despite my extreme openness. Even Rob doesn't quite get me sometimes, and I'm closer to him than to anyone. I know I confuse him from time to time, and I feel bad, because I think it irritates him a little. I spend a lot of time away from him, so a lot of my thoughts get pushed aside when I talk to him, and he only gets the important stuff from me when we talk. Then when something little comes up, and I seem to be contradicting myself to him, because I've changed my opinion, or have different feelings, I think it throws him for a loop, a little. For example, a few weeks ago, I decided I was through with looking at or responding to personals ads. i told him if something interesting came along, he could respond. But over the course of these few weeks, I've felt more and more like I don't care to meet anyone through these ads, that I want to throw in the towel completely for a while. It was a random decision, I don't even remember what brought it on. But it was so miniscule to me, and since he hadn't been emailing me any responses, I figured he wasn't doing it at all anymore anyway. This morning I was in his office, and there was an ad in his mailbox that looked interesting to him. As he started to reply to it, I was like, "What are you doing??" And, he thought I'd be okay with it (not that it bothered me or anything, I just had forgotten to tell him that it doesn't interest me at all anymore, and to stop bothering with it.) and he seemed surprised by my reaction. Slightly irritated, even. So I felt kinda bad. But it was something unimportant in my brain, so the message never quite got to him until it was too late, basically. I work in mysterious ways, I guess. My brain hurts. I go bed now.

So. I suppose you wanna know just where the hell I've been, right? "You lousy jerk! This is supposed to be a journal. You know, one that you update on a daily basis? Slacker!" Now, now. Let's not get hasty in our choice of words, aight? I've been absent from cyberspace because, as usual, the computer went kerplunk last Friday and it didn't come back from the shop until today. So nyah. I did try to put up a page yesterday while I was up at Rutgers, posing as a student so i could utilize their computers for Photoshop, but Netscape crashed when I tried to save it, and I just gave up. It was nothing special anyway, believe me. So what have I been doing with myself for the last 5 days? Well, to be honest, basically I just spent a lot of time with Elyse, which was a lot of fun. A basic rundown: We went for coffee. We watched "Bad Dreams" and "Bloodsucking Freaks". We took pictures of street signs. We also got to know each other a little better, and I can't speak for her, but I feel as though I've gained a very good friend in her. I truly enjoy being around her, and I think the feeling is mutual. This is refreshing because the last few friends I've made were cool, but it was like, "I'll hang out with you at my convenience," which, in the case of the folks I've met lately, isn't often. I don't think it's got anything to do with me so much as it has to do with them. I know I'm 100% capable of being likeable. I have people telling me so damn near every day, so I don't feel depressed about meeting some fair-weather people. But meeting Elyse has made up for that. She actually calls me on the phone. Everyone I've met in NJ so far, I've had to leave more voice mail messages in three months than I ever care to in a lifetime. And of course, they rarely, if ever, call back. And if I call Elyse and ask her to hang out, 9 times out of 10, it's a yes. So there's an even mix of give and take in this friendship, and I feel so good about that, because it's ABOUT DAMN TIME! I think I'm a pretty good friend, and for some reason, it's been hard for me to find the same in others. i guess it all comes down to my ancient theory that if you're nice, people will walk on you. Not that I've been walked on so much, but I've told people that I've been pretty bored and lonely since moving here, and it seems as though none of them gave a shit. If they did, they'd return my phone calls and not cancel plans at the last minute. Or at least, they'd be accessable. I can't count how many times I made plans with Nicole, thinking we were going out, and then when I call her the day of our plans, she's nowhere to be found, or has to back out. Rediculous. But anyway, enough griping. I'm happy to have made a friend who lives closeby, whom I connect with on many levels and enjoy being around, and who also seems to enjoy being around me as well.