September 30, 1999

wiccans believe that color affects your mood and your health. (I think other religions and lifestyles do as well, but I'm only sure of wiccans.) Right now, I'm feeling pretty red and black. I'm not sure what the wiccan definition of red and black is, but for me, it's anger, confusion, lust, and desire. I've been having this fight with myself internally for so long that I feel like I'm going to explode. It's like my bisexuality is a collar and leash I have to wear all the time. And I'm pretty sick of it. Confused? I can understand that. I write like I think, so I suppose an explanation is in order. Rob and I are a solid unit. Or, at least, somewhat of a solid unit because I think this whole issue is ripping our seams a little bit. His big fantasy fetish is lesbians. Forget all the BDSM. Sure, it turns him on, but he'd give up all the D/s stuff in a heartbeat if he could have two women fucking in front of him instead. And it's not a lecherous thing, in my opinion; it's just what turns him on. Yeah, I know, 9 out of 10 straight men love that shit, and a lot of bi girls (and even straight girls) feel like they have to get a girl in bed with them to crave some weird desire of their boyfriends'. With Rob, this isn't the case. He wants it for himself, but he wants it for me, too. Which makes me feel pretty good about it all; I don't feel like I have to put on a show for him and simulataneously drag some girl into it who doesn't give a shit about anyone's desires but her own. However, I've found that the only women who want to get into a threesome are the desperate ones, and since my standards are so high they could reach the moon, those girls aren't an option. Everyone else just doesn't want to enter an existing relationship, even just sexually because a.) they feel they won't get the attention they deserve, or b.) they feel like they won't get the attention they deserve, so they go into it with the intent of trying to get one of the two's complete attention, which results in jealousy. Rob seems to think that because physically we aren't in very good shape right now, that's the reason we can't get a third person in on the fun. I don't agree. Plenty of women have found us both attractive and just stated clearly, "threesomes aren't my bag." And I don't think that's an excuse, too many people have said it to me sight unseen. So the subject of allowing me to explore my bisexuality without him came up. At first, he was open do letting me to that, then he said only if I do it once because he doesn't think he can handle me doing it regularly. He knows I wouldn't leave him for a woman, because  a.) my feelings for him are too strong, and b.) I don't think I could love a woman in the same context as i can love a man. I think he feels like he'd be hurt because he'd be missing out on something that he wants. So I don't know what to do. It feels like there's no happy medium. I feel like my only option is to ignore my wants and desires just to keep him happy, and that's kind of sick and sad, aside from the fact that it wouldn't *really* make him happy. He wants this for me just as much as I do, but he doesn't feel ready to sacrifice being involved.

Right now, I don't know where this is going to go. I don't want to resent him, but if things continue the way they are, it's inevitable. And it's not completely his fault. Other women are not willing to bow to our restrictions. They don't want to feel like the ornament, the toy. Perhaps some do, but the ones I've found.... *shudder*. What to do, what to do. I wish I could just ignore my desires. I want to. I feel as though I have to. But that isn't going to make either of us happy.