Greg Proops

Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, cotton mouthed dopeheads (looks at Paul), distinguished adversaries, exalted moderator, beloved collegues, boys and girls, tree shoes, and pollaroos...get up on this.  I'm about to throw down, and you know just what to do...that's the customary silence I have come to appreciate from Australian audiences.  I listened with great interest to Mr. Mc Dermotts' comments.  Paul suggested it would be easier for us today if we generalize...having seen Paul’s work in the past with the Doug Anthony Allstars, and how well I remember their act - the emu dance, the beer spraying, the general atmosphere of intellectual incondescence...one can but accept generalizations from a man who put his penis in girls faces in the crowd and sang. 

I also find it unique that he would comment upon the Heavens Gate cult, and trivialize our tragedy four your humour here today.  It's that kind of generosity of spirit that I've come to know and love here in Melbourne over the past week.  I want Paul to know that as an American, and representing the other American on the team...and you may have noticed someone was from Scotland in the middle, that would be the little shortbread.   I take your jibes and japes in the spirit in which they were intended, because being from America we can take a few hits - we have a fucking planet to run.  In any case, this opposition that ignorance is bliss is at once, ignorant...and blissful.

  Many things constitute bliss - sexual ecstasy, chocolate perhaps, kisses from a child...evidently not here in Australia...but alright, it's that judgmental quietude that I have come to love..."not bloody likely mate" ...Ignorance, however is not amongst the things that create bliss in my estimation.  Now, since Rich is from Kentucky, I'm from Phoenix Arizona, and Rhona's from Scotland, I think we represent ignorance quite well.  Now, my parents live in Mississippi, which is in the deep south of the United States, a very enlightened part of our country...much like Tasmania, but without regrets. It's the kind of place where they have state executions followed by a catfish fry.  Ladies and gentlemen, "Hey he burned up real good! bing! lets eat!" 

That's how they are...and I realized why America comes off as an ignorant place.  Perhaps it's the prevailing attitude of Neo-nazi, psycho-Christian, gun toting, truck driving, gimme cap wearing (?) and militia armband, Tim Mc Veigh rally, antichoice, redneck, huge belt buckles with their name on which they wear upside down so they can go, "Shit! That's my name!" attitude that prevails.  And, by large psycho-Christians set the agenda for everything in my country, cause my country was born of ignorance. The English sent over a group of well-armed psycho-Christians...called the Pilgrims, who had no knowledge of the native language...and bought no farming implements with them.  Two hundred and seventy five years later, I hear this all the time in England, "...well, all Americans are fat and stupid."...Really?  Well, thanks for sending over the best and brightest to start the party huh!

If we define ignorance, ignorance is of course ignore - ance of things that you might know.  For instance, the psycho-Christians in my country who believe in Jesus, the king of peace...feel the need to

shoot people who disagree with them...which I believe Jesus would've done...had he been packing heat back in the holy days, "Alright you Philistine assholes!  I'm the law west of the river Jordan! Lucas!  Get the disciples!  Form a posse!"..."I don't think so"..."Shut up Thomas". 

Ignorance takes many forms, the fear of outsiders is a prevalent form of ignorance...and right here in Melbourne, right here in Australia, there are people who don't wish foreigners to immigrate to this country.  These people are ignorant in that if you've ever been to a place where everyone is homogenically white, you know it's the most boring goddamn place of the world.  Sweden.  I rest my case.  If Abba and the Cardigans are rocking your world, you may want to think about getting some ethnic types in there.  In conclusion, I have no conclusion.  Ignorance is many things, but it does not create bliss in that bliss means happiness, In order to belong I think you might have to know something occasionally.  I have no conclusion to work towards, so I'm going to go back to the podium and pretend I do.  Thank you.

*******************************************

Paul Mc Dermott, ladies and gentlemen.  What a conclusive and persuasive argument.  How generous of him to share his antique joke collection with us here today.  Jokes that the younger people might not have heard, but those of you that are older have heard, time and time again.  We found out that Paul likes to watch.  Clearly, Anthony's drawing of him was erroneous.  There is an old, ignorant saying that men in show business use, which is, "You're not funny unless you have a dick."  Paul has proved the exception to that today.  Paul of cuse, or of course if you wish to use all the letters in the word, used visual aids and signs to illustrate his point.  Our team, alas must rely on wit. (Paul says, "risky")...and yet I feel safe in the assumption that it would get the quietude that it deserved.  Since the bandicoot of bulls*it has stopped his meanderings, and shall return to his burrow with his powerful four flippers a flailin', I shall address the point in some small degree in conclusion here today since I have been drawing furiously pictures of myself with a larger penis - but I have run out of ink, ladies and gentlemen, cause I'm trying to make it life sized.  I'm not certain how to address it in conclusion here.  I know that everything in Australia is given a hilarious and illiterative, dominuative name.  All I can say is that "Iggy is not blisso."  A good comedian would close there...but unfortunately it's me who's finishing up today.  Failing to have a closing line to top that, I would like to say that our panel is extremely honoured to be invited to debate here today, against these distinguished comedians...and your hand movements, Lisbeth Gore are turning me on more than I had imagined, and I thank you.