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saturday 23 february 2002

it's been four days without an update. you can whinge and moan at me as much as you want, but it won't make any goddamn difference, i won't be listening. to tell the truth, i've had a bad influenza infection this week. mucus has been oozing out of every major orifice above my shoulders, which i probably don't need to tell you doesn't make me feel very virile or attractive. in fact, the only thing that's been able to cheer me up recently is my little friend, Eduardo, who you can see to the left. ain't he somethin'? on my television machine last night, i was fortunate enough to have that delightful romantic-comedy romp, Aliens, made available for my viewing pleasure, a Director's Cut, no less. like the promo said, it was indeed Aliens as i have never seen before; last time i watched, i'm pretty damn sure that there wasn't an ad break every 10 minutes, nor was there a tv3 logo in the bottom right hand corner for the entire duration. talk about QUALITY PROGRAMMING!!!!

watching this movie got me thinking; even though sigourney weaver wiped out the queen (before scooting off to get some boobie implants), i am still convinced that aliens walk among us (or slither or crawl or amble, whatever). look at the beatles. HOW THE HELL DID THEY BECOME SEX SYMBOLS?!? they look like those black and white photos of my dad at his first job working at the local drug store, where they sold bubblegum and cans of cigarettes for fifty cents, goddamn it. obviously, they must have come to earth from some distant planet called twictzoid 9 or something, with the sole mission to make the music of earth exactly the same as their own. it's a good thing they did too, or we'd all still be listening to alan sherman. not all aliens do good, however; i present to you another shining example: celine dion. few people know that she is actually an alien who crash landed here during the time of the ancient egyptians in ancient egypt, where she lived for twelve seconds, and, well, died i guess. the egyptians were quite taken with her appearance, possibly due to the fact that these particular egyptians enjoying eating those red berries on that tree your mother warned you about. distraught, they decided to give her a proper burial inside her gigantic, pyramid-shaped space cruiser, wrapping her up in some mysterious white paper they found inside a small room on her ship which contained a small porcelain bowl, which was there for reasons unknown. she was then resurrected many years after, and the world's hearing suffered all the more.

aliens. they're everywhere. well, they're not everywhere, but they certainly are in a helluva lot of places. but, you can rest easy in the knowledge that they posess no harm to us humans. not physically anyway, for they will forever clog up our popular culture with their bad singing, wooden acting, or just overall inane drivel. the only cure for alien is ignorance, so if you see any of the following aliens, immediately ignore them, and your soul will be spared: robbie williams, mr t., slipknot, george bush, michael bolton (the other one), dj jazzy jeff, mariah "i can act!" carey, alicia silverstone, freddy prinze jr., that guy off dawson's creek, meg ryan, amy grant, *nsync, carrot top, matthew perry, pauly shore, gweneth paltrow, tim allen, puff daddy, "stone cold" steve austin, that jamaican muppet, roddy james dio, twisted sister, lemmy from motorhead, backstreet boys, the jacksons, keanu reeves, fred durst, any token black comedian, craig david, kylie minogue, that dick from sugar ray, <insert ex-girlfriend/boyfriend here>, creed, britney, pristina gaguilera, whoever decided that hacky sack was a good idea, and that guy at the dairy (he over charged me by 50 cents, the bastard. i could've got a can of cigarettes with that.)

Homer sez: "Grand Funk Railroad paved the way for Jefferson airplane, which cleared the way for Jefferson starship. The stage was now set for the Alan Parsons project, which I believe was some sort of hovercraft."

tuesday 19 february 2002

as we breathe, eat, think and fart right now, in a faraway land called 'afgahnbiscuit', or something, a "war on terror" is being fought. however, thanks to secret documents i bought off ebay, i have discovered a far more scary enemy, far closer to home. be warned, this information i'm about to pass onto you is enough to make arnold schwartzchwqieujkfjaneggggar fill his knickers with lumpy gravy.

questionnaire emails. we've all had them at some stage. we have all had that feeling when we see an email called something like "FWD: OMG this is so kewl!!!! LOLOLOLOLOL=) Fill this out plzzzzzzzz!", followed closely by some startegic use of the 'delete' function on whatever email account we use. we delete because they are, as all smaraty people know, bad, annoying and pointless.

in fact, the majority of email forwards are evil. anyone who has ever gotten a chain letter, petition, "how guyz should treet there grrrlz!!!! LOLOLOL this is sooooo cute!" or the same picture of a murder victim you saw on rotten a week ago will know what i mean. in other words, anyone who has had the internet for more than four minutes knows what i mean. they are all bad, with the rare exception that is actually something you haven't seen before and, even more rarely, geniunely interests you. however, the questionnaire is the worst of the lot.

the person who sent it to you obviously has your email address, unless they're randomnley going through email databases trying to make friends (i'm looking at YOU, nigel), so you would think that, whatever information is on there is either information you already know, information you didn't want to know, or information that you never gave a shit about before. the opening of a questionnaire means that you are required by the laws of the universe to respond in kind, else a pack of ravenous gnomes with shotguns will come around to your house and steal all your ham, and we wouldn't want that now, would we? the questions contained in these pieces of tarnished digi-matter often range from "do u like any1?" to such topical questions as "hav u eva had a crush on me? (b honest!)". wow, you should work for the un! or the fbi! or the cia!

i like to think my friends are as, if not more, intelligent than i am, so i also like to think that they have little interest in what my favourite colour is, or how often i masterbate, or if i sleep with a soft toy. therefore, i have come to the logical and really quite obvious conclusion that these questionnaire emails are made by the government and are freely distributed in email accounts throughout the globe by guys called nigel.

because of a deal the governments have cooked up between themselves and Hotmail, Yahoo!, and the rest (whereby they exchange free access to all their databases in exchange for the much-coveted "Britney 8-minute blow job video!!!"), they can read any responses you give, gaining information about you, the individual, that might seem fun, but is really extremely useful in figuring out ways to kill you and maim your entrails.

let's say you admit to sleeping with a dragon ball z doll. while that does single you out as a sad fucker, it also lets the government figure out that, if you sleep with a dbz doll, you must like the show, therefore, you must have no imagination, therefore, you must constantly watch tv, therefore, they can steal the batteries from your remote, causing to die from boredom! it's just that simple!

or perhaps you were to let slip exactly how many piercings you have. that was your second mistake, now they know exactly how much power to supply to that electromagnet, meaning they can easily drag into a pit of ferocious mountain squirrels.

i say this not make any point, nor to make any money from this information. i tell you this only so that you may be spared. so, the next time you see "FWD: OMG, this is the kewlest thing EVAR!!!!", you know what to do.

the madness must end.

Homer sez: "I'm off to make some bathtub toast!"

monday 18 february 2002

as my new zealand fan base (which is fucken huge, by the way, there's no denying it) will probably be aware, underdog kiwi actor kevin smith died recently, after falling what is alledged to be six stories while filming in beijing. what a bugger.

if you're unfamilar with his work, he had a small role on xena: warrior princess, numerous movies and plays, a tv show appearance here and there, as well as a spot on pulp comedy a few years back. and now he's dead, right before what would have been his "big break". cool people always die before they should.

i almost had a coronary when i heard the news; i thought that the director of clerks and jay and silent bob strike back had died, so while it's sad that mr smith has passed on, i'm kidna glad it wasn't the OTHER kevin smith. jay and silent bob live on.

label me insensitive if you must, but i'll have you know that i respected both kevin smiths a lot, so either way, it's a loss i feel.

today i downloaded "satisfaction" by the stones; damn that's a good song.

by the way, i intend to make these updates quite often, at least every couple of days, unless i'm unusually busy, and archive them every week, so this page doesn't get too big.

msn madness!!!! (names changed to protect the innocent)

Homer sez: "Feelin' stupid? I know I am!"

sunday 17 february 2002

alright, it's the first update of the rejuvenated Burnt Hamster. i don't have much power left in my creativity muscles right now (i'm working on a few new features for the site, so they're fair exhausted; please bear with me), so i'll treat you to the coolest song ever!

THE COOLIST SOHNG EVAR!!!!!!!! I'M TUFFF!!!!!!!!

it's all about the pentiums - weird al

what y'all wanna do? * wanna be hackers? code crackers? slackers? * wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers? * 9 to 5, chillin' at hewlett packard? * workin' at a desk with a dumb little placard? * yeah, payin' the bills with my mad programming skills * defraggin' my hard drive for thrills * i got me a hundred gigabytes of ram * i never feed trolls and i don't read spam * install a t1 line in my house * always at my pc double clickin' on my mizouse * upgrade my system at least twice a day * i'm strictly plug-and-play, i ain't afraid of y2k * i'm down with bill gates i call him money for short * i phone him up at home and make him do my tech support * it's all about the pentiums, whut?

you gotta be the dumbest newbie i've ever seen * you've got white-out all over your screen * you think your commodore 64 is really neato * what kinda chip you got in there, a dorrito? * you're usin' a 286? don't make me laugh * your windows boots up in what, a day and a half? * you could back up your whole hard drive on a floppy diskette * you're the biggest joke on the internet * your database is a disaster * you're waxin' your modem, tryin' to make it go faster * hey fella, i bet you're still livin' in your parents' cellar * downloadin' pictures of sarah michelle geallr * and postin' "me too!" like some brain-dead AOL-er * i should do the world a favour and cap you like old yellar * you're just about as useless as JPEGs to helen keller

it's all about the pentiums! yeah! x4

now, what y'all wanna do? * wanna be hackers? code crackers? slackers? * wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers? * 9 to 5 chillin' at hewlett packard?

uh, uh, loggin' in now

wanna run wit' my crew, huh? * rule cyberspace and crunch numbers like i do? * they call me the king of the spreadsheets * got 'em all printed out on my bedsheets * my new computer's got the clocks, it rocks * but it was obsolete before i opened the box * you say you've had that desktop for over a week? * throw that junk away man, it's an antique! * your laptop is a month old? well that's great * if you could use a nice, heavy paperweight * my digital media is write-protected * every file inspected, no viruses detected * i beta tested every operating system * gave props to some, and others? i dissed 'em * while your computer's crashin', mine's multi-taskin' * it does all my work without me even askin' * got a flat-screen monitor, 40 inches wide * i believe that yours says "etch-a-sketch" on the side * in a 32-bit world, you're a 2-bit user * you got your own newsgroup, alt.total-loser * your motherboard melts when you try to send a fax * where'd you get your CPU, in a box of cracker jacks? * play me online and you know that i'll beat you * if i ever meet you i'll control-alt-delete you

WHUT?

it's all about the pentiums! yeah! x4

now, what y'all wanna do? * wanna be hackers? code crackers? slackers? * wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers? * 9 to 5 chillin' at hewlett packard? * WHUT?

word to your hard drive.

Homer sez: "When you think about it, mud is nothin' but wet dirt."

what the hell is this shit?