| Title: The Page Author: Gillian Silverlight Distribution: My site, those that have permission to post my work, others please ask. Disclaimer: They belong to Joss and the WB, I just play with them. Summary: Spike learns some very disturbing information about Buffy’s feelings. Rating: PG Lyrics By Shy (THC) Verucka- “Need To Destroy” The Page Spike was walking behind Buffy’s house. It had been several days since Joyce had died. The funeral had taken place. Angel even came to town to be there. He’d held Buffy while she cried. Spike had wished it had been him she’d turned to for comfort. He’d wanted to hold her. It would have been comfort for both of them The blonde vampire felt every day of his age. They weighted across his shoulders and inside of his heart like the mountains in the distance weighted upon the earth. He looked up at the windows of the house. They were dark. Buffy was either asleep finally or sitting staring into the darkness again as he’d seen her do so often lately. A slight breeze gusted past, and slipped the light plastic lid from the waste can. A page ripped from a book blew past his feet. He could see the writing on the page. It looked like Buffy’s writing from a glance, so Spike grabbed the page before it could disappear. It was Buffy’s handwriting. It was also sure to be Buffy’s tears that had stained the page and blurred the writing in spots. Spike took the page and walked over to the base of a tree and sat down to read what his love had written. *************************************** ‘I step out of my skin you wouldn't know me now’ You used to think you knew me, and you did. In some strange way you knew me better than anyone else ever did, including myself. But that has changed. I’ve changed. I’m not sure who I am any more, just that I’m not the person you knew. You’re not the same person I knew either. I can see the changes in you. I don’t want to talk about them, because then they become real. And if they are real, I have to look at them. If I have to look at the changes in you, then I have to look at the changes in me. I’m not ready to do that. ‘couldn't you go away? shouldn't I?’ That’s why I tell you to go away. It’s why I run away from you. Oh, it’s not always by physically moving. I fight with you to make you leave, to make me leave. I fling hurtful words at you to hold you away from me. I keep me from coming closer to you. Getting too close only hurts. Whoever I get close to always leaves. I don’t really want you to leave but I can’t tell you that. I need you. I come to you for help and protection and when I feel bad. Because I know you’ll be there. You’re always there. I can depend on it. But I don’t dare depend on that, if I do, even once… you’ll not be there and hurt me. ‘leave me the hard part it's all I want I need’ It’s really better this way, you know. I know it’s selfish of me, but I can’t do what I must do any other way. I can’t save the world, my friends, you and myself if I’m the one that hurts. It hurts enough already. I could love you, you know. It’s the easier way out. Resisting you, resisting what I feel is so much harder than you’ll ever know. You have the wanting part, I have the resisting part. Yours is so much easier. I know. I’ve been there, where you are.. ‘I won't be your soft one I won't be encircled you might become something I need’ As much as comfort from you would help me right now, I can’t do that either. I can’t give into that feeling, that shelter I could find in your arms. Better to find nothing in my own arms, or more pain in the arms of someone I can’t have, as you can’t have me. The pain keeps me alive. It reminds me to breath and put one foot in front of the other. If I ever came to you for comfort, I could never turn away from it. Once I give in… I’ll need you more than I do now. I don’t dare! ‘and you must not must not get closer’ So I can’t let myself get any closer to you. I’d never be able to resist you. I hate this, you know. Because I want you. You’d be loving, and kind. I know that’s not a word you think about yourself, but you are. You’re kind to me, to my family, to my friends. No it may not be the way most people think of as kind, but it is. To do something that will hurt you, just to resolve a problem quickly that the rest of us might talk to death, is kindness. You’re strong, and so incredibly sexy and attractive. You’re loyal. God you’re so loyal! And you love me. ‘couldn't I go away with the dust of your words in my mouth?’ That’s the problem too. You love me. As badly as I’ve treated you and keep treating you, you love me. To know how much I want you and want to need you, to give in and love you, yet I can’t. Then to hear you tell me you love me.. It’s like ashes in my mouth. To be given the one thing I can’t have… Oh, I can’t have one other thing you know about, but it’s gotten better. I know you don’t know it, but you’re the one thing that could solve that problem once and for all for me. You are the only one that could move me past that wanting and can’t have place I’ve been in for so long. So I can’t. ‘I can't rely on you to know my soul don't show me your weakness I might become something you need’ You want to give so much to me, but even knowing that you love me, shows me a weakness in your armour you present to the rest of the world. It’s more than just me I have to fight constantly. What if I let you in, and you needed me? I’d disappoint you. I’d make another mistake and not be there when I should, when you needed me. Or even worse, I might have to sacrifice you for that stupid, indefinable ‘greater good’. Greater good for who? Not for me. If that happened, it wouldn’t be for you. It never is. You know that now. You know what I had to do before. Then too, how can you know who I am, deep in my soul when you don’t have one? Everybody says you don’t have one. If you do, please don’t tell me. I can use that lack as another bit of armor to hold you away. ‘something you need something you need to destroy’ If you don’t have a soul, If I make a mistake, If you lied to me, If you haven’t changed, If you’re who you used to be under neither all of that. Or if you just stopped loving me and wanting me, I couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t do it again. You’d have what you wanted the first time you saw me. I’d simply be destroyed by you. I’m so very very sorry. **************************************************** Spike held the page in his trembling hands. His unbeating heart felt like someone had ripped it out and torn it to shreds. Blood stained tears ran down his face to mingle with the tear stains already on the page he held. He understood now. He understood why she could go to Angel for comfort. He understood why she was so cruel to him and to herself. Spike got wearily to his feet, still holding the page in his hands. He felt the desperate need to talk to someone about this. The problem was, the only person he could talk to about it was the one person that had helped to create this whole problem. There was no other choice. If he was going to keep any kind of sanity after reading this, Spike had to talk to him. The blonde vampire was only a shell of himself as he clutched the page in his hand as he slowly walked to the mansion. Angel had not left yet. Gillian Silverlight. 4/16/01 |