| Title: Four Pages of Pain Author: Gillian Silverlight Distribution: My site; those that already have permission to post my fic, all others please ask. Disclaimer: They belong to Joss and the WB, I just play with them. Summary: Sequel and companion piece to ‘The Third Page’ in the ‘Pages’ Series. Rating: PG Lyrics: “In Walks the Night” by Heart Four Pages of Pain Angel and Spike were shaken to the core by the words they had read in the last three pages that had been ripped from Buffy’s diary. Spike had found the first page accidentally when the wind blew the page from the trash behind Buffy’s house. He’d taken the page to Angel. Angel had gone back to look for more and had returned to the mansion with several pages he’d found, also ripped from the diary. “Angel, why do you think Buffy ripped these pages from her diary and threw them away?” Spike asked the older vampire, puzzled about the situation? “I don’t know. Maybe once she wrote them, she wanted to get rid of them so she didn’t have to see them again, or to symbolically throw the pain away with the pages.” Angel answered his childe in a weary voice. What they read had both given them hope and hurt them as they realized exactly how much they had hurt this woman they loved. “I don’t think so, Angel. Something doesn’t feel right.” Spike replied, worry creasing his forehead. “Well, let’s each take a page and see if we can find out anything else that will help.” Angel reached for the top page in the pitifully small pile of them they had lying in front of them. Spike took the next one. He lit another cigarette as he braced himself for what he might find in this one. ****************************************************** ‘The night is falling like an angel on your memory And we are well acquainted We are sworn enemies And the lonely beating of my heart tonight is only one more thing I gotta fight’ Spike, you have got to be one of the most aggravating vampires I’ve every met. You’ve been a thorn in my side since day one, in one way or another. Yet, I’ve never been able to stake you. You’ve never been able to kill me. You’ve also been the most honorable enemy it has ever been my privilege to know. And I do know you. I don’t let you know that I do. I don’t let anyone know. But we understand each other. You.. You’ve always known me better than anyone, for some reason. You’ve known me better than Angel ever has, you know? I wish I could come to you, but you know I can’t. Even though you’ll never read anything I’ve written here, I do wish I could come to you. I’m so lonely, Spike. I think you could end that for me, but there is too much damage. I’d only hurt you even more and you’d leave me. So I’ll just stay here alone. Besides, you’d try to stop what I know I have to do. ‘Well I think about you baby Days of heaven that we had Then I get to thinking maybe -Maybe too much thinking's bad’ I’ve thought often about what it might be like between us. I can dream and have my fantasies as well. I just can’t tell anyone. I have to keep them to myself. As hard as it has been to admit it, as I’ve written these pages in my diary, I’ve had to face the fact that I do love you. I’ll never be able to do anything about it, and you’ll never know; but I do. It’s funny in a way.. What was that line we all had to learn from Shakespeare? ‘My only love sprung from my only hate, too early seen unknown, and known too late! Prodigious birth of love it is to me, that I must love a loathed enemy.’ That’s you. You used to be an enemy. If that chip were out of your head, would you be again? See, I don’t know and I can’t take that chance. Its not because you might kill me, but because you might Turn me. That would be the worst thing that could happen. So I can’t let you in. That would be worse than you leaving me. That’s me.. Damned if I do, and damned if I don’t. ‘Well my mind takes no prisoners -pities no one Spares not even me 'til the harm is done Here I go again The night just walked in’ Too much thinking is definitely bad for you. Or at least it is for me. I can see too many of the problems and never any of the good parts. But what if there aren’t any good parts? See that thinking thing again. First there was Angel, and now you. Both of you are of the dark. Both what I’m supposed to be fighting. How can I fight you when I love you? How can I love you if you’re bad or evil? Does that mean there is something wrong with me? God, I know there is something wrong with me, I just don’t know what it is or how to find out or even how to fix it if it can be fixed. Everyone wigged bad enough about Angel, but you, Spike… You’re my own personal dark. The Night in my life. You walk in a room with me, or close to me when I’m on patrol and I feel the night, the dark. With Angel I could feel the quiet inside and I wanted to reach inside of it and be calm. With you, that quiet spot is hidden deep inside. You’re so alive to be undead. Right now, I’m so alive to feel so very dead. ‘In walks the night In walks my fantasy Darkness all around me And I'm dying for the light Reach down for a little strength deep inside’ Every time you come near me, I have to be so strong and so hard toward you. You’re there and my own personal night arrives, my own darkness, the fantasy I sleep with every night for a long time now. I rather sleep with you. Could that happen? I mean, if we had ever managed to be together, if I’d been able to open that icy cavern called my heart; could you sleep with me at night instead of being awake? What do vampires do when they are awake at night? I’ve seen you awake during the day, so it’s not like you have set hours your body forces you to keep. You just can’t go into the sunlight. Angel told me he wanted me to find someone to walk in the sunlight with me. I told him I didn’t look that great in direct light. But you saw me do that, and saw how miserably I failed at it. What’s wrong with me, Spike that I go for the monsters, the demons? I go out and fight the demons, the other vampires every night. I’m supposed to be working for the good guys, the ‘light’ as Willow would call it. Yet here I am attracted to the dark. I’d ask if you knew how frightening that is, but I know that you do know. I’m the Slayer. The scourge of vampire kind. Like you said.. Once you’re a vampire you have nothing to worry about except for one girl. And this time it’s me. So not only do I fall in love with a second vampire, one who has killed two slayers already, but you fall for the slayer you wanted to kill. It’s definitely the universe having a major joke on us. What a pair we are, Spike. ‘Well I know I love my freedom But lonely feelings come and go And night time is a season Feel the cold wind blow And I toss and I turn and I walk the floor I don't wanna cry - don't wanna cry no more Here I go again The night just walked in’ I feel so alone, especially now. I can understand how you feel. Alone, isolated. I can’t even hug a normal guy without having to think about what I’m doing constantly or I’ll hurt him. I can pound you into the floor and you get up and just keep coming. You’re not a vampire; you’re that damned pink energizer bunny! But I’m so tired of being alone, of being hurt, of crying myself to sleep at night. This has been the proverbial straw, you know? I can’t do this any more, Spike. If I thought I could trust you to not Turn me; I’d give you that ‘one good day’ you want. You were right about that death wish. It’s here now. To trust you, I’d have to let you in, but to let you in; I’d have to trust you. I’m really a mess. ‘I reach down for my sanity If only these eyes could see through all the emptiness I found around me In walks the night’ You’re the only one who even still knows me at all. That’s one reason I can’t let you near me. You’d see too much and tell someone, or just try to stop what I know I have to do anyway. I can’t let you do that. I feel so empty inside. I just want the darkness to fill me up and rock me gently to sleep where there is no more pain, no more loneliness. I just need the pain to stop. It’s tearing me to shreds. It makes it harder to stay away from you, so I get even angrier with you. But it’s not really you that I’m angry at, it’s me. I wish I could be angry with Angel, but I can’t. That was me too. I insisted, I pushed it, I cost him his soul, I threaten it every time I see him Maybe the problem isn’t you or Angel at all. Maybe you were right. The problem is me ‘I can almost feel you in the darkness all around Still I'm waiting for the break of day Waiting for a miracle A dream that won't wander away’ I can always feel you when you are there, you know. I could never feel Angel that way. Oh, I knew when he was around, but it was so vague. Not like you. I can feel you like a vibration in the air. It’s there with every breath I take. The sense of you fills me up. I know that is a danger sign for me. You have no idea how hard I have to fight sometimes to think when you’re around. I wish…. I wish I could have known you when you were William. You must have been a very good man. Then again, that’s not a great idea. I’ve seen what I do to good men. I really do need a bit more monster in my man. ‘I reach down for my sanity If only these eyes could see through all the emptiness I found around me In walks the night The night just walked in In walks the night The night just walked in Maybe I'll be all right In walks the night’ Falling in love with two vampires, one with no soul at all, I have to question my sanity. I don’t think there is much of it left. But I have to keep you away because you always do see too much of me and right now I can’t let you see what’s inside. Because my own personal darkness, my own personal night has come to fill me up. ********************************************** Spike put down the sheet of paper. He would exchange it with Angel as soon as the brunette vampire was finished with his page. From the looks on Angel’s face, he wasn’t doing much better. That constant calm and indecipherable expression had vanished with the deep and unsettling insight into the slayer’s heart and soul and mind. As Spike waited, he thought about it. Perhaps he should put his own thoughts down on paper for her. She was right; it was easier to tell everything to a blank bit of paper. It didn’t interrupt, or talk back and never looked you in the eyes. You had to do that to yourself. The miserable blonde vampire reached for a sheet of paper and pen. Gillian Silverlight 4/21/01 |