| Title: Five Pages to Heartbreak Author: Gillian Silverlight Distribution: My site, anyone that has previous permission to post my fic, all others please ask. Disclaimer: They belong to Joss and the WB: I just play with them. Summary: Sequel to ‘Four Pages of Pain’ of the ‘Pages’ series Rating: PG Lyrics: ‘It Doesn’t Matter’ By Alison Krauss and the Union Station Five Pages to Heartbreak Angel was feeling more guilt right now than he thought his soul could possibly bear, yet there were more pages in front of them to be read. Spike had picked up the next one, and Angel had to force himself to reach out and lift that next sheet of paper. The things Buffy has said so far, the feelings she had expressed were things he’d never had a clue about. Spike had been right so long ago that they’d never be friends. He’d always love her just as she said she’d always love him. He thought he had been helping her when he let her go to find a new life with what he thought would be a normal man. Her mother had told him that was what he needed to do. But her mother had been wrong. He had been wrong and now all of them were having to pay for that mistake. Just one more thing to stain Angel’s already blotched soul. Finding out that she loved Spike but wouldn’t go to him because of what he, Angel had done to her… he was hurting her, her friends, his childe, as well as himself. He had to try and fix this. Maybe the next page would give him a better idea how. But he wanted to look at that page about as much as he wanted to bathe in holy water. Taking in a deep and un-needed breath, Angel started to read. . ****************************************************** ‘It doesn't matter what I want It doesn't matter what I need It doesn't matter if I cry Don't matter if I bleed’ I know you’ll never get to read this, Angel. I wish I had the courage to tell you in person all of the things I’ve managed to say here already. But it’s been so hard to say them to me; I have no idea how I’d ever say them to you. I’ve loved you since that first night you dropped out of the sky on me at the Bronze. I always felt safe in your arms. I needed you, I wanted you. I used to think we could have found a way to make it work. I know now that it really didn’t matter what I wanted, or what I needed. You made the decisions for both of us. You decided to leave me. You decided to erase the entire day we had together with you being human. Yes, I remember. Do you remember those dreams I’d have? The ones that were always prophetic? Well…. It happened again and I remembered. The Powers that Be must have wanted me to know for some reason. It just seems that I can’t have any happiness at all. I get to bleed for them, I get to cry, but I don’t get to be happy. I bled for you to keep you alive. The tears I cried for you and because of you.. You really have no idea. The problem is, none of it mattered. ‘You been on a road Don't know where it goes Or where it leads’ You had to take the actions you took. The people in LA need you. I needed you. But what I needed or wanted doesn’t matter. Even though you say so, they don’t. Not to you, not to the Powers that Be, not to the Watcher’s Council, and now, not even to me. You have your path you have to walk and it doesn’t walk with mine. It may wander across mine occasionally, but that’s all. As we sat under the tree in the cemetery, you said you could stay as long as I needed you to. Well, forever would have been good. But we kissed and suddenly you had to be somewhere else. ‘It doesn't matter what I want It doesn't matter what I need If you've made up your mind to go I won't beg you to stay’ I begged you not to go before, but you did anyway. I won’t beg you again. Not ever, Angel. I can’t. That doesn’t mean that I don’t care. I do. I’ll always care about you, my love. But what it does mean is that it doesn’t matter any longer. You’re going to do what you want to do, or what you feel that you need to do and I know that I’m not a part of that any longer. You’re working on your redemption, but all I can do is hinder you by tempting you to cast your soul into the wind again. ‘You've been in a cage Throw you to the wind You fly away’ So, my love, you need to do what you have to do and not worry about me. Spike was right you know. All Slayers have a death wish sooner or later. He’ll still be here in town, while you’re gone back to LA. With all the things you have in your past, wanting to be there for the end of a Slayer wasn’t one of them, but it is one of his. He wanted ‘just one good day’. He should be getting his wish very soon. ‘It doesn't matter what I want It doesn't matter what I need It doesn't matter if I cry Don't matter if I bleed’ ‘Why?’ you’ll ask later. Because I can’t do this any longer. I lost you, I lost my self-respect with Parker. I didn’t love Riley like I should have or like he needed, so I lost him as well. He was what you wanted me to have. Normal. But I’m not normal, Angel. Now I’ve lost my mom. If my dad has his way, I’ll lose my sister. I lost my dad a long time ago. I also lost the courage to open my heart and let someone else in. Someone you made, someone you taught and trained, however you sires do that kind of thing. So it means I’ve lost Spike too, without ever really having him to lose. I guess you can say in all of it, I’ve really lost me. I would say that now you’re going to lose me, but you can’t lose what you got rid of, Angel. ‘Feel the sting of tears Falling on this face You loved for years’ I’ve felt so many tears fall down my face, the sting of the salt, the rawness that comes from wiping eyes too often. Do you cry for me, Angel? Part of me wants to tell you not to cry, to sooth you and make it all alright. But when I’ve done that, the only one it has been alright for has been you. It still hasn’t been alright for me and I don’t know how to make it better except for one way. But I love you, Angel. And as hard as it is for me to say to you, I love him too. You made him. You brought him to me in a way, so don’t be angry with him. What did you really expect? Did you really think I could go back to a too hot human male body and be happy after knowing even once the cool, wonderful caress of your flesh? That I could go back to having to restrain my movements or my strength when lovemaking should be a time to let yourself go? You did teach me that. To love with my whole heart and body, my soul, even fiber of my being. So I fell for him. But after what we went through, I fought it. Willow’s spell that went wrong.. but did it really go wrong? Maybe it just allowed us to see what we needed to see inside ourselves. All I know is after that day, after feeling his cool touch on me, after feeling his lips on mine, I was never the same. I couldn’t go back to where I had been. All I could do was go forward, but forward was him and I couldn’t go there again. So anger was all that was left to me. He’ll hurt, you’ll hurt. Take care of each other. I love you and always will. ************************************* “Oh GOD! NO!! Buffy!” “Spike, she’s going to end it. We have to get there in time. Please let us be in time!” Angel came as close to praying as he ever had for over 200 years. “I told you something was wrong. Are these all the pages there are? Look again.. there has to be more. Another one that will tell us we’re wrong in suspecting that she’s going to do something. LOOK AGAIN! Damn'it all to hell!” Spike raged against that which he couldn’t control. The two vampires shuffled the pitiful few pages again, desperately seeking answers. “Here! Stuck to the back of this blank one, there is more writing.” Spike held the sheets of paper carefully as he gently worked the blank section off of the one with her familiar writing. With trembling hands, they both leaned into the page, hoping against all hope. Gillian Silverlight 4/21/01 |