| Title: My Soul in Six Pages Author: Gillian Silverlight Distribution: My site, those that have permission already to post my fic, all others please ask. Disclaimer: They belong to Joss and the WB; I just play with them. Summary: Sequel to ‘Five Pages to Heartbreak’ in the ‘Pages’ series Rating: PG Lyrics: ‘The First Time I Loved Forever’ by Lisa Angelle My Soul In Six Pages “Here! Stuck to the back of this blank one, there is more writing.” Spike held the sheets of paper carefully as he gently worked the blank section off of the one with her familiar writing. With trembling hands, they both leaned into the page, hoping against all hope. *********************************** ‘The first time I loved forever was when you whispered my name. And I knew at once you loved me for the me of who I am.’ When you whispered my name, Angel; I was already in love with you. I may have been 16, but it was a love forever. And forever means that. I may change, you may change, the nature of our love may change, but it’s there. And it is and always will be. As long as you hold me in your heart. When you finally stopped calling me ‘Slayer’ and finally called me ‘Buffy’, I was already way over my head in love with you as well, Spike; even if I was fighting it every inch. I’ll love you forever, Spike. We have room in our hearts for many people. My friends, Giles, you Angel and you Spike. You are the ones who love me for who I am, or perhaps in spite of who I am. Others haven’t or couldn’t. So many people have left me and have left these gaping bleeding wounds in my heart. I’m bleeding to death inside. ‘The first time I loved forever I cast all else aside. And I bid my heart to follow, be there no more need to hide.’ I let you inside, Angel. And now, I can’t allow anyone else in because I’m so frightened. I kept nothing hidden from you, and now I have to hide everything. ‘And if wishes and dreams are merely for children, and if love's a tale for fools, I'll live the dream with you.’ What is every woman’s dream? To love and be loved, to marry, to maybe have children. I don’t get that. I’m not allowed. I would have joyfully gone into those dreams with you. But love is simply a story for fools and I’ve been a very big fool. I could live that fantasy except for the children part, with Spike, I think. But with my heart so wounded and bleeding… Funny how something made of ice and stone can bleed. I guess I’ll never know. ‘For all my life and forever, there's a truth I will always know. When my world divides and shatters, your love is where I'll go.’ What does this all mean? It’s been too much to bear. My world has shattered and been divided into so many pieces, I can’t even begin to find the parts of it. I’ve lost parts of me as well. So Spike still won’t get his wish. He won’t get to be here for that ‘one good day’. I’ll have that by myself. I know it’s selfish, but I’ve picked up so many pieces for so many others, its time for someone to pick up the pieces after me. I love you, Angel and always will. Hold me in your heart and I’ll be there. Spike, I love you too. I’m so sorry I couldn’t be there and be what we both wanted. Take care of everyone for me and know I truly did love you. But I’m tired. That death wish has found me. The funeral is over, Dawn will go to bed soon and I’ll leave forever. There will be another Slayer to follow me. Be good to her and teach her and keep her safe. I’m gonna tear this up and throw it away so no one will find it. My one last bit of protection, I guess. Goodnight, my always love, and my never got to be love. ******************************************* Two voices gave vent to the agony inside of them at those words on paper. With no word to each other, they ran. They ran out the door of the mansion and down the street moving as a dark wind in the night. They ran with that preternatural speed that master vampires learn. On their very heels was the danger of the woman they loved and had hurt so badly. Both of them, the dark haired vampire who had tasted the golden love of the Slayer; and the blonde vampire who had only dreamed of her love, ran with the wings of fright tugging at their coat tails. Angel burst into the house on Revello Drive. Spike couldn’t get past the barrier. “Spike, come on, now! I’ll need you.” Angel rasped hoarsely at his childe. Spike tried again and still couldn’t get past the wall. “She’s still alive, I can’t get in! Wake Dawn and tell her to come let me in! Hurry, Angel!” Spike was frantic. Buffy was up those stairs and he couldn’t get to her. Angel took the steps two and three at a time, yelling for Dawn as he vaulted up them in a headlong rush. Dawn came out of her room, looking pale and frightened. She had been awake. ”Angel.. It’s Buffy.. I can’t wake her!” “We know. Go invite Spike in. NOW! I need him, Buffy needs him!” Angel found the door to Buffy’s room locked. He kicked it open. Dawn almost fell down the stairs as she hurried, yelling for Spike. “Spike, you’re invited! Get in here! Angel needs you, help Buffy!” Spike fell through the barrier, catching himself before he hit the floor. “Nibblet, I love you. Call Giles and Red, NOW!” In his anxiety, Spike’s face had morphed as he bolted up the stairs to Buffy’s room. Angel held her limp body, tears streaming down his face. Spike looked around taking in the bottle of booze he’d had go missing from his crypt and the empty pill bottle on the floor next to it. “Angel, get her in the shower!” Spike dropped his duster, kicked off shoes and stripped off his shirt in seconds as he headed to the bathroom, stepping quickly in the shower to turn on the water as Angel followed him with Buffy. Angel handed the limp blonde slayer to Spike standing in the cascading water of the shower. Spike quickly held Buffy under the spray, rubbing her cheeks, talking to her, pouring out his heart, pleading with her to wake up. Angel stripped to his pants and got into the shower with Buffy and Spike. Helping to hold her, rubbing her arms, and talking to her as well. Dawn appeared at the doorway. “I called them. They are on the way. What do I do now?” Her voice was full of fright. “Nibblet, listen carefully, go look in your mum’s bathroom for a poison kit, it will have charcoal and some stuff to make Buffy throw up. I know your mum had one. Bring it to us and then make a pot of coffee. You’ve seen your mum do it, you’ve seen me do it. You can too, Buffy needs it, Dawnie.” Spike told the frightened teenager. She mumbled and ran back out the door. Gillian Silverlight 4/22/01 |