| Title: Nine Pages to Forgiveness Author: Gillian Silverlight Distribution: My site, those that have permission already, others please ask. Disclaimer: Joss and the WB own them, I just play with them. Summary: Sequel to ‘Eight Pages of Love’ in the ‘Pages Series’ Rating: PG Lyrics: ‘I Knew I Loved You Before I Met You’ By Savage Garden; ‘A Case of You” by Joni Mitchell; (Paraphrased re: gender change) ‘Only On My Own’ from Les Miserables Nine Pages to Forgiveness Spike had gone down stairs as Angel curled around the small golden haired slayer he loved. She reached out in her sleep to put arms around him and pull him close. Snuggling into his chest, she mumbled. It was one word, but she was still so drugged and asleep that Angel couldn’t tell if it was his name or Spike’s or something else entirely she had said. He lay there holding her, stroking her hair and talking to her, telling her she’d be ok, that he loved her. Buffy started to move in his arms, small sounds almost like tiny pain noises fell from her throat. Angle stopped talking to her and she quieted. He remembered the words she had written and realized that his words of love were causing her pain; so he just held her quietly not knowing what else to do. All the things Buffy had said in her diary ran in circles through Angel’s head. He knew he needed to explain some of them and ask for forgiveness from her on a lot of them. He had to convince her to forgive herself as well. And if she could find some happiness with Spike… Angel had to face that regardless of what he’d wanted for this lovely golden girl next to him; she wasn’t normal and a normal human male would never be someone she’d be happy with, never mind that he’d always be jealous of them. Angel would be jealous of Spike too, but for some reason he couldn’t quite put his finger on, the thought of Spike didn’t feel as bad. Buffy stirred in her sleep, snuggling closer to Angel, nestling her head into the curve of his chest. He wanted her so badly. That one time had been everything he could ever have dreamed of in his entire life, or unlife. And it was the reason he’d lost his soul. As painful as it was, he’d come to understand that he could be with someone else and not lose his soul. It was only Buffy that could cause that. He wondered if it was because she was the Slayer and he a vampire, or just simply because he loved her so very much. Either way, it didn’t matter. It was there. Angel wondered where Spike had gone. He’d been away for quite a bit of time now. Then it hit him. Spike had started to write a note back to Buffy while they were at the mansion. That must be where the blonde vampire was now. Angel realized it wasn’t such a bad idea at all. Maybe when Spike eventually came back up to relieve him, he’d go find some paper and do the same. ******************************************* As Spike walked into the bedroom, Angel looked up at him. Spike raised his eyebrow in a question at the dark haired vampire. Buffy was curled around him, still sleeping. Angel shook his head slightly as a frown crossed his face. “She’s been asleep the whole time. Are you ok?” Angel asked the younger vampire. Spike looked like hell. “Yeah. I’ll take over for a bit. Why don’t you go grab us both something to eat. Maybe they can make a bit of soup for her downstairs. I’ll try to get it down her.” Angel eased out of Buffy’s grasp and let Spike slip into the place he had laid beside the fragile blonde girl. Angel went down stairs. Out in the kitchen, the older vampire found Giles and Willow, talking and making some kind of broth or soup for Buffy. “It smells good, Giles. What is it?” Angel asked out of curiosity and to ease the previous tension between he and Buffy’s watcher. “English beef tea. It will be good for her when we can finally get her to drink something. How is she doing?” Giles asked by way of accepting the unspoken apology. “She’s sleeping. She stirs in her sleep and hangs on to whoever is with her. She doesn’t want to be alone. That much is pretty obvious. I don’t think that we’ll understand everything until she wakes up good, if then.” “So Spike is up there with her now?” Giles asked. There was a note in his voice that said he was going somewhere with this conversation. “Yeah. What is it you want to know, Giles?” Angel was tired and hungry; He wanted to go pick something up for both him and Spike. Just cut to the chase here. “I see. I didn’t realize I was that obvious.” Giles said half to himself and half to Angel. “Spike told her a while back that he loves her. Granted he’s been trying to curry favor with her, helping her out and such. Yet, he doesn’t have a soul as you do. How is it possible for him to be in love with her?” “He’s always been a bit odd, for a vampire. I’ve known him since he was Turned and if he says he loves her.. Well, it explains a lot of what I’ve seen from him tonight. I’d say he loves her. That’s not something you have to worry about. After all, he stayed for 100 years with Dru, crazy as she was. I’ll also tell you that part of what we learned tonight is that Buffy loves Spike too. She’s tried not to, according to what she said, and she’s tried to stay away from him because she felt you and her friends wouldn’t agree with her feelings. That’s part of what drove her to this point.” Angel explained to the watcher in front of him. “I wouldn’t tell her that you know. I’d let her bring it up to you.” “Oh Bloody Hell! Why didn’t she just tell us instead of doing this!” Giles was furious with himself for his own perceived insensitivity. “Com’on Giles.. After what happened with me, did you really think she’d just up and confess to being in love with another vampire? Especially one without a soul, even if he was chipped?” Angel asked in a teasing tone that covered the seriousness of his question. “I see your point. So what do we do now?” Giles wasn’t sure where to go from here. “Leave it to her. Give her your support and your love. Right now, I’m gonna go get something to eat for me and Spike over at Willy’s. I’ll be back in a bit and then I think I’ll take Spike’s idea and trying explaining as much to her on paper as I can.” Angel got up from the stool quite wearily and headed out the door. As he walked out, he heard Spike’s voice behind him calling Willow. *************************************************** Angel had gotten back from a food delivery run for himself and Spike. Dawn had shown him where the notebook and pen were that she had given Spike for his letter to Buffy. Angel sat down at the same desk in the corner and started to write out his feelings to Buffy. **************************************************** ‘Maybe it's intuition but some things you just don't question Like in your eyes I see my future in an instant And there it goes I think I found my best friend’ Buffy love, I’m not sure where to start this except by saying how incredibly sorry I am that you are hurting so badly about everything that has happened between us. I never meant for that to happen, not ever. But then there was so much that I never expected either. When Whistler showed you to me the first time, I never expected to fall in love with you, but that’s what happened. I came to Sunnydale knowing who you were, what you were and that I loved you. I fought against it, but it didn’t help. I didn’t know there was a clause on my soul. I had no idea.. I was hesitant to make love to you not because of that, but because you were still young, because there was so much I felt you deserved that I knew I could never give you. ‘I know that it might sound more than a little crazy But I believe I knew I loved you before I met you I think I dreamed you into life I knew I loved you before I met you I have been waiting all my life’ When I lost my soul, I still loved you. I was lost inside of my demon but I still loved you. The bad thing is that in a strange way, Angelus also loved you and because of that he tried to destroy you. I’m so very sorry my love. I know it was so very painful for you to send me to Hell, instead of Angelus. I do understand. It was like when I came back from Hell and finally found myself again. I knew what I had done to you, to your friends and I’d have given anything to take that away. I wanted so badly to be with you, but I was still hiding from myself what I couldn’t give you, what I could never be with you. I’ve never loved anyone other than you, Buffy. Not when I was human and not since I was Turned. There has been no one in my heart except you. Sometimes I’d think that you were a dream and I was afraid to wake up for fear you would be gone. But I knew, I knew that sooner or later one of us would have to go. ‘You're in my blood like holy wine, Tastes so bitter and so sweet Oh, I could drink a case of you and I would still be on my feet,’ Sometimes I almost wish the arrow had done it’s work. I could have killed you, Buffy. I almost did. I’d never have been able to live with myself ever again if I had. But like you always did, you gave yourself to me completely to save me, to keep me whole. When I gave back that day to the Powers That Be, it was no different that you giving me your blood. You didn’t take no for an answer, you made me drink you. If I’d known you were going to try and kill Faith, really known; I’d have tried to stop you. I would not have wanted you to stain your own soul like that just for me. Could I do any less for you? The PTB’s said you’d die if I stayed human. The one thing I wanted more than anything in the world because it meant I could have you, I had to give back. That you’d not even remember what had happened.. That was even worse. Just as you offered your life to save me, I offered my life to save you. ‘I remember that time you told me, You said love is touching souls Surely you touched mine Cause of you pours out of me in these lines from time to time You're in my blood like holy wine, Tastes so bitter and so sweet’ I was reminded before your prom that I couldn’t give you what you should have in your life. It doesn’t matter now who reminded me, but they told me the truth. I didn’t realize what your prom would mean to you. When I was in school so many hundreds of years ago, we didn’t have any such thing. I’m so sorry, Buffy. My love, I never wanted to hurt you and I felt if I stayed any longer I’d hurt you even more. I would beg of you to please forgive me for all that I have done to you. And please, please my love, forgive yourself. I want you to be happy. As much as I hate to know and say it, I know that sex is an important part of your life. Being able to express physically your love for someone…. I can’t do that with you and I’ll always want to. I can’t even take the possible chance of trying for children with you because of that.. Spike is right. The only way a vampire can even possibly have a child is with a Slayer and it has to be repeated ‘exposure’ shall we say. One night won‘t do it. But know too, that I’ll always, always be thankful for the most wonderful gift in the world that you gave me. You allowed the to be your first true love, your first lover. The first man to every hold your beautiful body in that most intimate of ways. That is precious to me, Buffy. And precious because you gave that to me and not someone else who might not appreciate it. Never ever think that you are not worth more, my love. You are. If there were a way to not lose my soul, don’t you know I’d fight everyone possible for you? ‘I love her, but everyday I'm learning All my life, I've only been pretending. With out me, her world will go on turning A world that's full of happiness that I have never known I love her I love her I love her But only on my own.’ But as much as I want you and can’t have you, I still want you to be happy. If you truly love Spike, if he might have a chance at making you happy, I want you to take it, please. He doesn’t have a soul to lose, he does love you, and he can try to give you children. They’d be my grandchildren in a way, so I’d still feel they were a part of me. He’s loyal and can be here to protect you where I can’t be. Don’t let someone else tell you who you can or can’t love, Buffy. If he can make you happy, grab that with both hands and don’t ever let it go. My heart and my love will always be yours. ************************************************* Angel folded the pages over and talked slowly back up the stairs. He hated to even give this to her. He hated the thought of her being with anyone else, even Spike, but he hated the thought of her being gone forever even more. Buffy was sitting up in bed when Angel walked back into the room. She and Spike were talking as the blonde vampire sat holding her hands and looking into Buffy’s face. Angel could see the love shining from Spike’s eyes. There was an answering glow on Buffy’s face as she looked at Angel’s childe. “Spike, Buffy.. Can I talk with her just a few minutes?” Angel asked the pair of them. Buffy looked at Spike who gave a slight nod to his head. The younger vampire leaned over and kissed her cheek as he walked around the bed and out of the room. Angel walked over to the bed to sit next to Buffy. He handed her the letter he had written. “I tried to tell you how I feel and to explain a few things as well, Buffy. Please read it and then we can talk about it if you’d like.” Angel kissed her cheek as well and walked across the room to stare out the window. If he’d had to breath, the vampire would have been holding his breath from the anxiety of waiting while Buffy read his words. After what seemed like an eternity, Angel heard Buffy get off of the bed and walk carefully over behind him and put her arms around him from behind. “I’ll always love you too, Angel. I do forgive you. I’d forgive you anything.” Buffy said quietly to the tall brooding vampire. Angel turned around in her arms and wrapped his arms around her. “I remember standing here so many times; holding you, kissing you until we were both about to melt from it.” “I meant what I said, love. I want you to be happy. If you can be happy with Spike, please try to be.” “I am Angel. He asked me if I’d have him, and I told him I would. I don’t know if it will work for us, but we’re going to try. I told him that I wanted all of us to talk about this and that you’d stay here with me while he goes to get his things and moves in tonight. I don’t want to be alone at all. But after thinking about it, it might be better if you went with him and Giles and Willow stayed here with me while he gets his things. I want him protected too and you can do that. They can’t.” Buffy explained to Angel in a rush. “Darling, I’ll be glad to go with him and protect him for you. Should we all talk first or afterwards? We only have about an hour or so before sunrise.” Angel’s heart was bleeding inside, but he had to do this. He loved her; this is what he’d asked her to do. He wanted her to be happy no matter where it came from. “If you’ll take me down there, I can wait with Giles and Willow while you two go. You can both stay here for the day. Please?” Buffy asked wistfully. Angel kissed her softly on the forehead. “Sure, Buffy. Let’s get your pillow and wrap you up in a blanket.” “Did the two of you really hold me up in the shower and then strip me, dry me off and redress me?” Buffy asked Angel, looking a bit oddly at him. “Yeah, we did. Why, love? We behaved completely.” The older vampire told her, laughter glinting in his eyes. “I should have known. The first and probably only time I’m in that situation with the two of you.. the two men I love; and I’m unconscious.” Buffy sighed. Angel chuckled and scooped her up in his arms, blanket wrapped around her, as she clutched her pillow. He carried her down the stairs to the couch. Spike came over to where Angel was laying Buffy on the couch, trailed by the Watcher and the witch. “I’m going to go run a quick errand with Spike and then we’ll be back before dawn. Buffy wanted to be down here with you two.” Angel explained. “Now, Buffy?” Spike asked her quietly. “Yeah, we’ll all talk when you get back. Hurry, love.” Buffy reached out her hand to the younger vampire who came to kiss her quickly on the lips before rising to leave with Angel. As the two vampires headed out the front door, they heard Buffy tell her two friends, “We’ll all need to sit down and talk as soon as they get back. Can we just keep all the heavy stuff until then please?” Gillian Silverlight 4/30/01 |